My Testimony

John 3:16-171
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him
should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn
the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
John 13:34-352
A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also
love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to
another.
JST Matt. 7:123
Now these are the words which Jesus taught his disciples that they should say unto the people.
Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment. For with what
judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to
you again.
I start this off with these scriptures, because I know that many of my friends and family are
religious people, and the topic that I am about to broach is stereotypically hard for religious
people to be open to and be understanding of. So as I discuss this topic, all I ask is that you hear
me out, that you keep an open mind, and that you ponder and pray before jumping to any
conclusions about what you think you understand.
I also want to start with my testimony. I know that God lives and loves me. I know that he sent
his son into the world, to give me an example to strive to follow, and perform the atonement so
that I could return to live with my father in Heaven again. I know that this church holds the
authority of God, to perform sacred ordinances pertaining to the salvation of men. I know that
the Book of Mormon is the most correct of any book on earth, and a man can get nearer to God
by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book. I also believe the Bible to be the word of God
as far as it is translated correctly. I know that my family loves me, and I love them. I know that
by living the gospel of Jesus Christ, faith, repentance, baptism and receiving the holy ghost, and
enduring to the end, I can go back to live with my father in heaven and with my earthly family.
And now for the harder things for people to swallow. I know that there are errors, in the
scriptures. I know they were written by men called of God. However the scriptures are not
perfect. Just as the men who wrote the scriptures are not perfect. I know that there have been
errors in translation, and interpretation. I know that things have both been added, and removed
from scriptures. I know that things have both been inadvertently and purposely changed. I know
that we can look to scripture as a guide to understanding how we should develop a relationship
with God, and that the spirit can speak truth to us through the scriptures. However, just because
it is written down in the scriptures does not mean that it is an eternal truth. I also know that
when the spirit does speak to us it is personalized and idiosyncratic, and that just because it was
1 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/3.16-17?lang=eng

2 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/13.34-35

3 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/7.1-2?lang=eng
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true for us at that moment, does not mean it is true for everyone in every moment. I know that
modern day prophets and general authorities make mistakes, and that they are good men, but
not everything that comes from them is doctrine and should be regarded as eternal truth.
Much of the time I feel as Brigham Young must have felt when he said, I am more afraid that
this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of
God whether they are led by him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blind self-security.
Let every man and woman know, by the whispering of the Spirit of God to themselves, whether
their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not. 4
I believe what Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said in his talk
Scripture Reading and Revelation.
Scripture Reading and Revelation5
scriptures are not the ultimate source of knowledge, but what precedes the ultimate source.
The ultimate knowledge comes by revelation The word of the Lord in the scriptures is like a
lamp to guide our feet, and revelation is like a mighty force that increases the lamps illumination
many fold we believe that God will give new revelations on the meaning of scriptures that were
not evident in earlier times.
Most importantly though, I have a testimony of the truthfulness that we can gain answers to our
questions through prayer. I have a testimony of the principle taught in James 1:5, and many
other scriptures.
James 1:56
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth
not; and it shall be given him.
Matthew 7:77
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
Moroni 10:4-58
And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal
Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart,
with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of
the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1954], 135.

5 https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/01/scripture-reading-and-revelation?lang=eng

6 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/james/1.5?lang=eng

7 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/7.7?lang=eng

8 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/10.4-5?lang=eng
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I know these things because I have studied it out in my mind, and I have prayed and received an
answer from God9 of its truthfulness. For this reason my faith comes from a place deeply
connected to my spirit, and I cannot deny it. It comes from such a place that my doubts cannot
refute it, my misgivings cannot cloud it, and all the evidences of logic of science and the world,
cannot make me reject what I know to be true. I feel much of my experience gaining a
testimony, echoes that of Alma 5:45-46.
Alma 5:45-4610
And this is not all. Do ye not suppose that I know of these things myself? Behold, I testify unto
you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true. And how do ye suppose
that I know of their surety? Behold, I say unto you they are made known unto me by the Holy
Spirit of God. Behold, I have fasted and prayed many days that I might know these things of
myself. And now I do know of myself that they are true; for the Lord God hath made them
manifest unto me by his Holy Spirit; and this is the spirit of revelation which is in me.
That being said, I have had to go on a very long, and very difficult journey to get to where I am
today. To be in a place where I love myself, and love my God. And this path has been a
heterodox one. One that is outside of the prescribed and orthodox beliefs of my religion. And I
dont see myself ever going back to an oversimplified belief in the church again.
My testimony was something that I dont specifically remember getting the first time I recognized
that I had one. Growing up in the LDS church, I was surrounded by wonderful people who helped
me, who loved me, and who supported me. I knew that I could be happy living the life that I was
raised in. I remember once having a conversation with my mother when I was in middle school.
It was a small one, and I doubt that my mother remembers it, but I said, that even if the church
wasnt true, that I would still probably live by the standards that it taught because they were
good standards, and that would help me become a better person. And to some extent I still hold
that belief. I also remember not really having any doubts about the church until I was in high
school.
What first made me question my belief in the church, was hearing that I couldnt live off of the
testimonies of other people. This caused me to then ask myself if I really believed what I had
been taught my entire life. I knew I had felt the spirit on many occasions, I knew that the values
taught by the church could make me happy, but I didnt have this overwhelming confirmation
that this was Gods church on the earth today.
I remember praying about it for months, and I remember not feeling anything extraordinary. And
then one day, I felt an answer. And it wasnt the burning bosom 11, which people hype on about, it
wasnt an overwhelmingly emotional experience, it came to me as a feeling of peace 12, and the
words came into my mind, you already know that it is true, trust in yourself.

9 https://www.lds.org/topics/revelation?lang=eng

10 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.45-46?lang=eng

11 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/9.7-8?lang=eng

12 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/8.2-3?lang=eng#1
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That has not been the only time that I have received a confirmation that the church is true. I
have struggled many times, but I have always come back to ask God, and he has comforted me
in small ways and guided me back to that feeling and reassurance, that what I felt testified of the
truthfulness of what I had been taught.

My Lived Experiences
Now, with all of that being said, I hope that I can talk about this from a place of love 13 and
understanding14, because that is what I am trying to build here. I know that I am not a forthright
person, I know that I am reserved and I dont talk about things, and that is wholly my fault, but
there are moments, like this one that has motivated me to write down my thoughts and
experiences, in an effort to connect with the people around me.
Growing up, I had what I consider an ideal childhood. I had a family that loved me, I had plenty
of food to eat, and a safe roof over my head. My parents taught me right from wrong, how to be
a good person, how to live the gospel, and follow the example of Jesus Christ. I went to a public
school, and developed many friendships with classmates, and neighbors. My parents provided
me opportunities to learn music, play sports, roughhouse with my siblings, and learn the
meaning of honest work. And looking back, I dont regret a second of it, instead I am
continuously grateful to my parents, family, and community.
During my childhood, I also became aware that I was different from the other boys my age. I
remember in first grade hearing from some other first grade boys about a girl who was held back
a grade for kissing the boys on the playground. This, obviously wasnt true, but as the other
boys were talking about how gross it was, I remember thinking, I bet she would like a friend and
I wouldnt mind getting a kiss from a girl. I didnt find this girl till a few years later, but there
were hundred of instances like this, where what I heard from other boys, and what I was thinking
inside conflicted. But this difference became more and more pronounced as I got older. And
really took shape, as I started puberty, and learning about sexuality.
But, for the most part, I was not forced into really thinking about my own sexuality, until taking
sex-ed in sixth grade. Before then, I never considered having an orientation let alone a sexual
one. I had little to no grasp on a concept that had never been discussed with me in my loving
and supportive home. But for the first time, I learned about puberty, arousal, and abstinence.
And if I really had to pinpoint a moment, when I knew that I was aroused by people of my same
sex it was probably during that discussion.
Still, I had no idea, what that meant, I didnt have any preconceptions that same sex attraction
was wrong or unnatural as that was never a discussion in my home. All I knew was that I had
an attraction that other people didnt seem to have. I didnt have any LGBTQ+ individuals in my
life, no role models, or people that I felt comfortable talking with. And again, that was mostly my
fault, I didnt reach out, I didnt ask questions, I didnt seek out more understanding, it just was.
I think that some of the reason that I didnt ask any questions, was because of the atmosphere
and culture that I grew up in. We never talked about anything sexual in my house. At most I
think my parents may have asked me if I had any questions about sex, but I wasnt ready to have
that awkward conversation with my parents, so I said no. And not because of my sexuality, but
because no one likes talking about sex with their parents.
I also remember the first time that I learned about sexual sin in the church. And to be honest, it
scared me, and it caused me to feel a lot of guilt and shame, and caused me a lot of trouble over
the course of many years. I remember it vividly, it was in a priesthood session of our church (I
13 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/love-the-essence-of-the-gospel?lang=eng

14 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/50.10-12%2C19-22?lang=eng#9
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must have been 12 and in 6 th grade). One of the times when all the men meet together to
receive council from our leaders. And I remember sitting on a metal chair in a dark room and
listening to the speaker in the church. I also remember feeling my stomach hit the floor. I dont
remember who gave the talk, but since then, I have looked through church website and found
the talk that was given to me back then. The talk has been published as a pamphlet called To
Young Men Only.
Now today, I have a lot of issues with this talk, from the language that is used, to the negative
and dismissive way that it addresses homosexuality. But back then, I believed that the church
was perfect, that it was true, not because of any firm faith, but because that is what I had always
been taught. I had also been taught that the leaders of the church could never lead us astray,
that God would prevent them from saying or doing anything that would lead us down an
incorrect path. And that is both wrong, and hurtful to individuals of the church. No one and no
thing is perfect, with the exception of God and Jesus Christ. People and organizations can and
will make mistakes. But I didnt understand that, so when I heard this, it scared me.
To Young Men Only15
There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they
can do about it. They are just that way and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious
and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into
that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no
mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become menmasculine, manly menultimately
to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.
All of a sudden, there was something wrong with me, this attraction that I had was all of a
sudden evil and of the devil, and I had done something while growing up to deserve it. And this
thinking was damaging, it hurt me emotionally, and it hurt me spiritually.
Now, I need to take a break before continuing on. Today, it drives me crazy when people say
things like this. It is ignorant, and it is close minded, and it is one of the reasons that many
members of the LGBTQ+ community hate religion. Many good people have done many evil
things in the name of a loving God that they profess to follow. Christians used to beat people
who were left handed because it supposedly meant that they were associated with the
devil...etc. And allowing persecution, and discrimination on the basis of religion is inherently
wrong and evil.
And some of you may say, What about the scriptures? They condemn homosexuality! Its a
sin! I would just ask you to keep an open mind, and consider other possibilities. We have
already discussed my issues with the scriptures, and I on this issue dont look to the scriptures
for clarity. Instead I look to God, and the teachings that I do have a testimony of.
Now, I know that many people will also probably be all up in arms, saying Well I have a freedom
of religion, and thats against my religion! And I say, good for you, but you dont have to be
hateful about it. I hold to the articles of faith on this one.
Articles of Faith 1:1116

15 https://www.lds.org/manual/to-young-men-only/to-young-men-only?lang=eng

16 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/pgp/a-of-f/1.11?lang=eng
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We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own
conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they
may.
You have the right to believe what you want, but so does everyone else, even people of your
same religion. And yes, someone should not be forced to do something that their conscience
cant handle. But if obstinate and hateful discrimination is the only thing that your conscience
allows to do, then you have a lot of growing to do.
And I also believe this article of faith.
Articles of Faith 1:917
We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will
yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
This allows for the church to grow in understanding, it allows for the church to adapt and change
based on new revelation from God. I think that many of us dont understand this, because we
view the church as forever and unchanging, but its not. Not very many years ago the church
discriminated against black men and did not grant them the priesthood based on the color of
their skin18. Then the church changed with new revelation allowing black men to hold the
priesthood. And today, we think wow, why would they have ever denied the priesthood to
someone based on their skin color? God doesnt change, but the understandings that we have
about God and his church change. As we seek for truth and understanding, God can reveal truth
that we are ready to receive. It makes me think of the scripture, 2 Nephi 28:30.
2 Nephi 28:3019
For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept
upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my
precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that
receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be
taken away even that which they have.
We have to be open to new ideas, which can allow for revelation to be received that previous
generations weren't open to, or maybe ready for. We receive truth line by line, and as we seek
truth, God answers. I hope that one day, the church will open its arms to the LGBTQ+
community. That being said, I am cynical and dont believe that it will happen in my lifetime.
So back to my history. From that time on, I always carried around self-doubt. About myself,
about everything that I did, about what I could have possibly done to deserve this curse from
God. However being a boy in the sixth grade, I actually didnt think about it very much, I was
more concerned about being social and having friends, and doing normal things. Every once in a
while, I would be talking with friends and the subject of crushes would come up, and I was always
very careful to make sure that I never said that I was ever attracted to any boys. Only the girls
that I was attracted to, because that was ok, that was normal and accepted. And that continued,
until I was forced to confront my own sexuality.
17 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/pgp/a-of-f/1.9?lang=eng

18 https://www.lds.org/topics/race-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng

19 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/28.30?lang=eng#29
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In the end of the sixth grade school year, I had a friend, and me and this friend used to do
everything together. We would ride bikes, and we would go swimming, and just do normal
things, and it was great. I remember, that we started playing a game of truth and dare that
lasted several weeks. It became our favorite game to play, and we would dare each other to do
stupid things and funny things. This one time we dared each other to eat bird poop, another
time we dared each other to light some gasoline on fire. Normal boy things. But one day it took
a turn, when one of us dared the other to swim across the pool naked. From then on the game
became more and more sexualized. And it continued until I had what I consider to be my first
sexual experience with someone of my own sex. And at the time, it felt good, and it felt normal.
But as soon as it was over, I thought What would my family think?, What does God think?,
and I was sent into a spiral of guilt and shame. I thought that I had failed my family. That I had
shamed them. That I wasnt worthy of their love. And so I resolved to hide everything from
them. I would never let them find out, because if they did, they would hate me. They would
think that I was evil, and perverted. So I cut all ties with this friend, I avoided him and all of his
friends. And I went into the seventh grade looking for new opportunities and experiences.
But my sexuality was not something that I could pretend didnt exist. It was not something that I
could forget. It was an integral part of my life that I could not avoid. Locker rooms were a
nightmare because I found myself attracted to some of the other boys in there, and I was afraid
that at any moment, my body might betray me. It was also at this age, when it became normal
for people to use negative slurs20 about gay people and say things that portrayed anyone who
might be in the LGBTQ+ community as dumb, or stupid, or evil. So I kept my mouth shut, and
marched forward, hoping that one day, God would forgive me for whatever I had done wrong to
deserve this attraction, and take it away from me.
Now, I have talked very heavily about my homosexuality, but that is just because that is such a
big piece of my history, and something that I focused on almost more than anything else for my
teenage years. But I am not gay. I personally identify as bisexual. What this means, is that I
can be attracted to both members of the opposite sex, and of my own sex. Both men and
women. Today there are all kinds of orientations and genders that are recognized as existing,
but this is the one that I identify with the most. I suppose technically I am a cisgender bisexual
man. This just means that I identify as the sex I was born as, and I am attracted to both men and
women. And being bisexual21 has all of its own issues that make it both easier and harder for us
than being completely straight or completely gay.
Growing up, I didnt know that there was anything other than straight people. At least until I was
forced to confront my own sexuality and attractions. Then there was no one I felt comfortable
enough with to talk about these issues. Then there was also a general lack of knowledge and
understanding in my community about LGBTQ+ issues. And so with my limited understanding, I
assumed as many people still do, that there were only two options, either gay or straight. And
because I had this attraction, I thought that this must make me gay, and it terrified me. It scared
me for many reasons, some of which were the social ostracism, because of the negative slurs
that I heard from everyone my age. I also thought I would be kicked out of the church and the
community that I had grown up in. And I feared that my family would reject me and stop loving
me because I had shamed and failed them. So I tried to hide everything that I am, and I started
to exert an iron grip of relentless control over my life.

20 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS0GVOQPs0

21 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGQIv3XFRSw
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To me at the time, it made sense because of the teachings that I had learned growing up, and
which I still shudder to hear in the church. Scriptures such as
1 Nephi 3:722
And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord
hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men,
save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth
them.
1st Corinthians 10:1323
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will
not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a
way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
From the discussions in the church I had come to associate my orientation as a sin, and a
temptation that if I were good enough God would take it away from me. So I exerted as much
control over my life as I possibly could. I took the scripture Mosiah 4:30 to heart which says
Mosiah 4:3024
But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your
words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of
what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must
perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.
And it was exhausting, something that was impossible to maintain, and something that only
made me feel worse about myself every time I failed and had a bad thought. I felt horrible
about myself, and my inability to change myself. I became depressed and for one small
moment, I considered suicide as an option. But, partly because of my fear of meeting my God,
and partly because of the love I still felt from my family. I fled from the option of meeting my
God prematurely. Before I had fixed myself. However, I was so torn up with guilt inside, that
during the 8th grade I tried to purge all emotion from my life. And to some extent I was
successful. I put up emotional walls and barriers to protect myself from feeling anything. And to
this day I am still recovering from the emotional damage I did to myself that year.
As I left the 8th grade and continued on through high school, I continued to exert absolute
control on my life. I made sure that I never allowed people to get close enough to me to be able
to gain a glimpse into what I was really feeling on the inside, and as soon as someone came
close, I moved onto another social group. I developed brain boxes 25, and social circles, that I kept
from mixing at all costs. My school friends, didnt mix with my church friends, which did not mix
with the family or friends that I had at home. I never invited people to my house, and stopped
having birthday parties, because it was too dangerous to let people converge and talk about me.
22 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/3.7?lang=eng

23 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/10.13?lang=eng

24 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/4.30

25 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc
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All the while I was trying to be a normal high school student, and portray an image that
everything was ok. This made me a social butterfly, I was a friend to a lot of people, and had a
few good friends, but no one that I felt close to. I had ostracized myself emotionally from the
people around me. I would go to parties, and activities, and feel alone even though I was
surrounded by people.
I went to school dances, I went on dates with girls, I participated in clubs, and went to sporting
events, and I had what I consider a good high school experience. But one that was rife with
internal struggles, things that I couldnt discuss with the people I considered closest to me. And
through all of it, I tried to be perfect, tried to do everything that I thought that I should be. And
as time continued, I could never get rid of my same sex attraction no matter what I did.
This was also around the same time that I, for the first time, questioned if I really believed if the
church was true. And for many months I struggled. Then after I received my first confirmation, I
despaired, because if the church was true, that meant that everything the church taught was
true, and I was evil, and sinful. I eventually gave up and decided that there was no way that God
could exist, and also be so uncaring and so unloving to leave me abandoned when I was doing
everything that I possibly could. I did not feel his support and love in my trial, I did not
experience my burdens being lifted 26. I failed at what I had been taught, and it caused me to
abandon my belief in God. But even with that, I still continued to portray myself as what I
thought people wanted to see, so I remained active, and I went through the motions never really
believing in anything that I did anymore. But, I believe a part of me never really gave up on God,
and because of this, I never fully turned my back on him.
My thoughts however turned to just waiting until I could leave home and not have to pretend
anymore. It also lead me to science, testing, experimentation, and finding truth. Then my
disbelief, and desire to explore my own sexuality, led me into other issues, like pornography. And
I suffered because of it, I suffered spiritually, and I suffered emotionally.
There were a few instances during this time that I went to church leaders, thinking I need to just
talk with them, try to make them understand, and maybe I can get help. My leaders were
wonderful, loving, and caring individuals, but I could never be completely honest with them. I
was never able to open myself completely and tell them everything that I was experiencing. I
always held back. It was probably because I had guarded this secret with so much force, that it
was that much harder for me to let go of it. Because letting go would mean letting go of the
image that I was trying so very hard to portray to the world.
Then in the year before my mission, I really struggled with whether or not I should go. I lacked
the testimony that I thought that I needed to go on a mission, but every one of the boys I grew
up with was leaving on a mission, and the church had issued the statement that Every worthy
young man should serve a mission. And that was detrimental to me, how could I not go, and
still portray this image of who I was supposed to be. Eventually I was forced again to ask God
whether this church was true, and if it was, I would go on a mission. Again, I received a
confirmation of its validity.
And so I prepared to go on a mission, I met with church leaders, I once again told them about my
issues with pornography and sexual sin, but all the while never telling them that I was really
watching gay porn, and that I was attracted to men. I did everything that I thought I had to in
order to get myself ready and worthy of serving a mission. I figured as long as I followed
instructions it didnt matter the kind of porn that I was watching. I would be cleaned, just the
same. I was eventually pronounced worthy by my church leaders and sent to serve in the Peru
mission field.
26 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/24.13-15?lang=eng#13
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However, while I was on my mission, I always had this feeling that I should have been more open
about what I had done, that I was attracted to men, and this caused me severe internal distress
and anxiety. To the point that my health deteriorated and I lost 50lbs. I believe that I
legitimately had some kind of food issues that caused me real symptoms, and I also believe that
some of my symptoms were exacerbated because of the stress of not only being a missionary,
but being a gay missionary. So I came clean to my mission president, I told him everything,
about being attracted to men, about my sexual experiences. I told him how I had told all my
previous leaders about it, but I had left out the detail that they were not always with women.
He, in his concern for me, had me visit a few times with the mission doctor/councilor. Today, I
believe this councilor was completely inadequate and ignorant of any LGBTQ+ experiences. She
asked me to write a letter to my friend who I had had my first homosexual experience with, in
order to explain to him the damage he had done to me. And when she did, I flat refused. I could
not do that because I didnt blame my friend. He didnt force me, and as far as I knew he had
moved on and never thought about the experience again. And perhaps because of my refusal,
and perhaps because of my continued health issues, I was sent home early. I was forced into
telling my bishop and stake president. I was devastated, and when in the interview, it became
clear to me that my parents would have to be involved, I couldnt speak, and so I let my church
leaders and my parents talk about my experiences, with little to no input from me. And to be
honest, my parents were very open and accepting, and were more concerned about me, and
making sure that I was ok. But I wasnt ready to talk openly about it. Partly because I hadnt yet
really understood what it all meant for me, and partly because my world was crumbling around
me. What I thought I had built up was all stripped away from me, and I felt raw and exposed.
As I went back to church each week, the only reason that I could was because of the testimony
that I had built on my mission of the existence of God, and this being his church. So I put up with
the whispers, the looks from people, peoples genuine and faked concerns, and I began to
withdraw again. I started picking up the pieces and fragments of what I thought I had, and
began walling myself back in.
I was also sent to a counselor in Arizona who legitimately knew what he was doing, but I never
opened up to him. I deflected for the most part, we talked about the wall I was building, and how
as I closed myself off, I was preventing myself from growing. We talked about some of the
frustrations that I had with the culture of the people around me, and how I viewed everyone as
being so perfect, and I hated them for it. And in the end, he did help me get over my issues with
pornography. I found out that I used it as a means of feeling that emotional connection to people
that I had refused to let myself feel. The disconnect that always made me feel alone, even when
surrounded by people, the separation that I created all the way back in the 8th grade when I was
done with feeling any kind of emotion.
There really wasnt any kind of improvement however, until I went back to school, and started to
connect with interact with people who I didnt feel like I had to pretend with. I was finally able
venture beyond my walls and connect with people. However, during this whole time, no one
ever talked about my orientation. No one tried to fix it. Instead, I was introduced to the idea
that being gay isnt a sin, but acting on the desire was. And to some extent this helped me,
because I could just as easily control my actions with men, as I could with women. With this new
found idea, the help I received from a counselor, and moving beyond my issues with
pornography, I felt ready to go back to the mission field and return to the work.
So I went back to Peru, and I went back to work. However, as I was there, many of the same
anxieties that I had before also returned. I still felt inadequate. I still felt as though I was
unworthy because of my orientation. And this anxiety continued to build until I again lost 50lbs
and started exhibiting a lot of the same health issues. But I refused to go home. I figured that
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maybe it was just something that was in the food in Peru, and I was switched to the Spokane
Washington mission, and for a time my health improved. But again those same anxieties, came
back and started eating away at me. Then, when I went to get a physical by a doctor there, they
discovered that I had a hernia and would need surgery. And that I would have to go home for
that surgery. All of this together, made me despair, and I was sent home early for a second time,
but this time with honor.
This second time coming home destroyed me completely. I had my faith in the existence of God,
because of the countless experiences that I had on my mission. But I no longer could allow
myself to believe in the God that I was taught about, the one that would punish me because of
who I was, even when I was doing everything that I could to keep his commandments. So I, once
again, gave up on God. And I would have continued in my disbelief if it hadnt been for my
loving parents, and their faith and understanding.
I remember having a conversation with my father, one that impacted my life more than anything
else, and I can honestly say that if it hadnt been for this conversation, I wouldnt have continued
in the church. We talked about a scripture hidden away in D&C 124:49 which says
D&C 124:4927
Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a
work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to
perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder
them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the
hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.
This scripture finally helped me see that 1st Nephi 3:7 and 1st Corinthians 10:13 werent always
true. That sometimes, God asks us to do things he knows that we cant do, and that once we
have done everything we can do, he accepts it, and we are good with God. This allows us to fail,
and not because we didnt try hard enough, or werent good enough, but because we were never
meant to succeed, but to grow and learn from the experience and then move on.
This was the first time that I had ever experienced a relief and a feeling of peace about who I am,
and was finally able to accept my perceived failures with my sexuality, my mission, and many
other things. Now dont get me wrong, I dont believe that this is a loophole that allows us to
give a cursory attempt at something and then give in, but we need to give an honest full force
attempt at keeping his commandments. Today I also dont believe that finding a same sex
partner is wrong either. But this was also the first time that I was confronting what at first seems
like explicitly contradictory scriptures written by two different prophets to two different peoples.
And it started me on my path of heterodoxy, of finding out what traditions of our fathers were
good ones and could help us get closer to God, and which ones were wrong and could drive us
farther from God.
I stayed at this point of both belief and dissidence, all through my college experience. And this
was a difficult place to be in, because of the culture that is very prevalent in the church. My
entire life, I was always told to investigate the church to find out if it is true, because once you
have that confirmation, everything else about the church is automatically true and good and
right. Because the church is true, it cant make mistakes, and because the church is true our
leaders cant teach us anything that is wrong. And this is something that drives me insane about
members of the church and their complacency with their current understandings. Whenever I
hear something new, I have to study it out, I have to feel it out, I have to pray about it, and I
have to gain a testimony of every single principle because I know and I recognize that the church
is not perfect.
27 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/124.49?lang=eng
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And I disagree with established church doctrines on many different subjects. Many of them
relating to the LGBTQ+ community, and others about the gender inequality that purveys the
teachings and attitudes of the church. But I always come back to the constant confirmations
from God, that this is his church, and that it has his authority.
This path of belief and skepticism is a very hard balance to maintain, and it is one that I have
walked very carefully. I went to college classes and learned sciences and facts and truths, and
theories that I believe because of the evidence that has been presented to me. And then I also
went to church because I knew that it was right. But I didnt feel like I belonged to that
community anymore, I felt like an outsider watching a production being put on by people who
didnt struggle with my same doubts. I believe in science and evolution, and I also believe in
God. Something, that for some reason is very difficult for the people around me to grasp. And
as I progressed through my college experience, I started to become bitter towards the church.
And primarily the unspoken culture of the church of not asking hard questions, and to a lesser
extent the explicit teachings of the church.
Because of this embitterment, I pulled away from the church. Its part of the reason I dont go to
activities and extracurricular activities with the church because it takes all that I can, just to
make it through Sacrament meeting and Priesthood meeting. That, in addition to the same issue
that everyone my age faces, the The most important thing in your life right now if marriage!
mantra that I received almost on a weekly basis. I was again confronted with the idea that I
didnt have to put up with this. And for most of my college career, I would consider myself, the
active-inactive member of the ward. I was doing just enough that I could satisfy my spiritual
needs, without having to put up with the issues that I saw and continue see regularly in the
church. It was also during this time that society became much more accepting of the LGBTQ+
community. And for the first time, I was finding credible research and understanding from the
people around me about human sexuality, about who I am as a person, and what that means.
Because of this openness that people outside of the church had, I was finally able to realize that
sexuality isnt binary, it isnt just straight or gay, but there is a whole spectrum that was created
in the 1940s called the Kinsey Scale 28. And I realized that I was bisexual. And realizing that I
wasnt straight and wasnt gay but bisexual helped me understand myself, and was a huge relief
and a blessing.
But then, came the issues of identifying myself as bisexual. For some reason, bisexuals get a lot
of crap from both straight and gay communities, they think that we dont really exist, that we
are either experimenting, or havent picked a side, or that we really are gay and not just
being honest about it...etc. And that is hurtful, because I know who I am, I know who I am
attracted to, and it is to both men and women. I am bisexual and I exist!
Then the other issue, the one that still keeps me from being open about my sexuality with
members of the church. Because they dont understand. This is this illusion of choice. Well you
may be gay, but you can still choose to be celibate (like unmarried people) and keep the
commandments, so what you're doing is wrong., Well you may be attracted to men and
women, but you can choose to be with a woman, so if you choose to be with a man, what you're
doing is wrong.
The whole idea, that sexuality isnt a choice, but your actions are. Which dont get me wrong is
leaps and bounds ahead of where we were when I first heard of homosexuality as a teenager.
Stepping away from the Youre not born that way, and its a lie of the devil to be anything
other than a straight masculine man. But it still misses the mark.
28 http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html
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Because yes, I being bisexual could hide who I am, which I have done, and live a completely
straight life. But it would be disingenuous of who I really am as a person. If God really didnt
make a mistake with me, there really wasnt any kind of mix up with my spirit as I came to this
world, why should I have to hide who I am, and be unhappy because of it? And I cannot hide who
I am and be okay with it anymore. I cannot be anyone other than myself, and this is a huge part
of who I am. And as I have been on this heterodox journey, I have prayed to my Heavenly
Father, and felt his love, and I have received a confirmation 29 from him, that he just wants me to
be happy. And as I continue to follow him, with real devotion, with faith and with my sexuality,
rather than in spite of my sexuality, I have come closer to God than I ever have been before.
I could honestly say, that I dont ever see myself ever marrying a girl inside of the church. And
it's all because of the culture in the church towards the LGBTQ+ community. I would never
marry a girl without telling her well in advance that I am bisexual. That this is a part of who I am
and always will be. And I dont see that going over well with the women of the church. Purely
based on my history with people, and because of the myths around bisexuals, having not having
picked a side yet. For some reason this frightens people. They fear that we will be less sincere
and devout in our relationships than a purely straight, or purely gay person. That 15 years down
the road in the marriage I might say, You know what Im really gay (or straight), and this isnt
working out, so good luck and have a nice life! That in addition to the added sacredness of
marriage, would definitely make that issue worse in the church.
Then in this last semester, I had two wonderful things happen. I took an institute class, on the
Pearl of Great Price. In this class, for the first time in my entire life, our teacher presented
difficult topics for us to discuss, study, think about, and pray about. Things like race and the
priesthood, women and the church, multiple versions of the first vision account...etc. And for the
first time ever I didnt feel alone in my doubts, but part of a community that was investigating
the truthfulness of the church, and striving to come to a better understanding of God. And it was
exactly what I needed to reinvigorate myself and become more receptive and open to the church
I had almost turned my back on. And I really did almost turn my back on it, because of the
teachings on sexuality, and because of the culture towards the LGBTQ+ community that is still
prevalent in the church. But this class gave me hope for the future that one day the church may
be more open and supportive of LGBTQ+ members, and maybe even one day accept it as ok for
them to marry in the temple. But as it stands right now, I dont expect to see that in my lifetime.
From my perspective, the church has improved considerably. From the farce that was the
defense of marriage act, and some bishops revoking temple recommends from people who
opposed the churchs stance30. To having Boyd K. Packer edit his talk 31 to not say that the
Proclamation to the World was a revelation 32, but instead a guide that members of the church
would do well to follow. To allowing gay men to hold offices in the priesthood, as long as they are
living by the law of chastity. To recently advocating for the protection of work and housing rights

29 https://www.lds.org/manual/true-to-the-faith/revelation?lang=eng

30 http://www.religionnews.com/2015/03/17/mormons-free-back-gay-marriage-social-media-lds-apostle-says/

31 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/cleansing-the-inner-vessel?lang=eng

32 http://lds-studies.blogspot.com/2010/12/revelation-vsopinion.html
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of the LGBTQ+ community in Utah. I hope that this is not where the church draws the line in the
sand. But instead continues to become more open and receptive to the LGBTQ+ community.
This was the most complete history that I have ever written about my sexuality and my church
membership. And I hope that one day I can be out of the closet to everyone in the church
without fear of repercussion, or placing my status in the church at risk. I hope that as you read
through this that you kept an open mind to the journey that I have been on. That you have
gained a better understanding of this piece of who I am. That because of this you dont look at
me different, or treat me different, but instead take comfort knowing that I am doing my best to
follow my savior's example, and be happy in this life. And if I could choose to be gay or to be
straight, I would simply choose to be happy.

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Where do we go from here?

I think a big concern from here on out, is what do I plan on doing?, how does this change
things?, and where do I stand as far as the church and the future?
For the most part, I hope that this doesnt change much of anything. From my perspective, I am
still the same person I have always been, just more open and more honest about who I am, what
I am feeling, my concerns, my doubts, my interests, and ideas. I hope to be accepted for who I
am, and what I feel inside. No, this does not mean, that I plan on whoring around with everyone.
But I dont feel any shame or remorse about pursuing my own happiness and the happiness of
my future partner, with whoever (male or female) comes into my life. And I hope that if I ever
did find someone (male or female) that you would treat them with love and kindness and
acceptance, just as you would anyone else.
As far as my plans go, I plan on living a full and happy life. I plan on eventually moving out. I
plan on getting a career. I plan on finding someone I love, and who loves me. I plan on getting
married. I plan on having a family. I plan on teaching my future children right from wrong, and
giving them the best childhoods possible. I plan on preparing them for life in this crazy and
complex world. And I plan on teaching them the gospel of Jesus Christ. About love and
forgiveness, and about the importance of families. No matter what that family looks like.
I dont plan on distancing myself from anyone, because of the fear of what people might think,
ever again. I plan on living the gospel of Jesus Christ to the best of my abilities. I plan on
praying and learning, and getting myself closer to my savior and my heavenly father. I plan on
staying in the church, and following all of the principles that I gain a testimony of.
And I think that that is a pretty good plan.

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