Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Self Assertion For 000551 MBP
Self Assertion For 000551 MBP
Omnoo,
Inc.
38-293
155,633 B98sa
Butler, Pamela.
self-assertion
for women
new edition
Pamela Butler
1827
Cover and
illustrations:
Doris Harrison
all
Self-Assertion for
Pamela
Women. New
information
privacy.
1981
Edition. Copyright
by
reserved. Printed
in
Street,
New
York,
NY
in
Canada
Limited, Toronto.
Pamela
New edition.
Bibliography.
Women
2. Assertiveness (Psychology)
Psychology.
Title.
Androgyny (Psychology)
HQ1206.B85
1981
155.6'33
80-8904
1
3.
I.
ISBN 0-06-250121-6
88 89 90
11
contents
1
The Nonassertive
Woman
15
Self-Initiation
SPICE:
Emotional Distress
Powerlessness
Depression
12
Negative Feelings
13
Setting Limits
SUGAR AND
<
Positive Feelings
IS
EVERYTHING NICE?
19
22
23
27
34
Androgynous
50
62
57
28
31
32
Catastropnizing
Self-Punishment
From
64
66
69
Self-Criticism to Self-Support
95
Why Direct,
89
93
Spontaneity
To
To
To
To
86
avoid
avoid
avoid
avoid
misunderstandings
emotional withdrawal
95
96.
Summing Up
119
Anger
How
to
Aggression 125
128
129
not aggression
not aggression
is
is
132
23
"'"
Why
expression
Muscle 138
Backing up words with action
1 41
High-level muscle
without
anxiety
anger
Expressing
Spontaneity
One
Final
Word
133
36
137
not attack?
little
40
144
147
148
Limits are
153
by feelings
156
changing
Who Am
How Expect To Be
This
This
Is
How
to Set Limits
Is
152
154
Treated
58
160
183
185
151
190
Criticism that is too broad
Criticism based on value judgments
191
Person-oriented versus behavior-oriented
criticism
92
193
Self-affirmation
Limit setting
Fogging
Delaying
Putting
10
It
196
198
199
Together
200
205
21 7
language 219
Keeping to your own agenda
Women as nonpersons 223
Sexist
Credentials
220
224
Positive Self-Presentation
226
Putting
11
235
240
249
247
245
message 250
Acknowledgment 250
The acknowledgment vacuum
Receiving the
253
12
AND
SELF-INITIATION
Is
Me.
I'm
how
267
268
you 270
Separate
to treat
13
279
SPECIAL TOPICS
238
The Persecutor
285
296
299
Summing Up
14
POWER
303
References
Index
329
321
276
foreword
not new.
Assertive training
is
social revolution,
and
it
It
Andrew
Salter
ninity to androgyny.
personally had the opportunity to
observe this transcendence. The extent to which her life
has been enriched by the simple approach adopted in her
I
book
from
is
members
training: "powerful
and
gentle"; "feminine
"compassionate, sensitive,
and
and competent";
strong." Giving
women the
androgyny makes
it
clear that
Dr.
Alan Salamy
Staff Psychologist
University of California
San Francisco
Preface
to the
new edition
am
a preface to the
new edition of Self-Assertion for Women, Although four
years have passed and a number of reprintings have
I
pleased
to
to write
originally published,
are as relevant
are
still
in
Women,
in
rapid
during
this
period of
Moreover,
in
shops during the past four years, have had the opportunity
issues where assertion is extremely
I
to identify additional
new
and active
self-initiation
or professionally. There
is
when
of victim,
rescuer,
suggestion of
many
make
of
readers, the
it
new
edition contains
an index that
will
concern.
is
an awareness
of
and respect
for
one's
It
that
were introduced
in
the original.
would
like to
go
one
share
final
its
whom
My
thanks
1
clients,
dilemmas.
Carol Inglis was a dedicated typist and a very real sup
port during the writing of this book.
My colleague and friend Portia Shapiro allowed me to
share with the reader her technique of influence
analysis.
to interview
me and
More
concerned with
To Alan
little
girls
are
made
of.
little
of.
woman
1
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
a graduate student
Kay
is
in
She
if
Kay will pick them up at the air
and
city. Kay agrees
suggests that because is so
early, they have breakfast together before returning to her apartment
Feeling mildly annoyed that she was not told of the change in plans
the night before, Kay gets up, dresses, and drives across town to
the terminal. When she gets there, she finds no Carol and no Dave.
After waiting several minutes, Kay goes to the message desk. Carol
has left a note saying that Dave ran into a business acquaintance
and that she and Dave have gone with him for a bite to eat. They
will be back shortly. Forty-five minutes later, Carol and Dave
arrive,
greeting Kay as if nothing has happened. Kay is glad to see Carol;
they are close friends and have not seen each other since the previ
ous summer. Kay is also angry. She resents the hour's wait. After a
moment of debate, Kay decides not to reveal her negative feelings
at the moment. She tells herself that she will bring up the issue later
line
depot
when
in
the
the time
right time
it
is
right.
visit
the
never seems to
Joan, age
forty,
is
practice and supervises a large office staff. Joan is also married and
the mother of two teenage daughters. Joan prides herself on her
efficiency in doing two jobs well. She has always been a hard worker.
is also a self-starter, a self-motivated woman who returned to
She
thirty to
Between her profession and her family, Joan has little time for her
self. At home, her one day off,
Sunday, is regularly interrupted with
phone calls by clients and friends who want to ask "just one legal
question." Most of these telephone conversations last for only ten
or fifteen minutes. However, Joan often finds herself
ruminating
about the legal issues involved long
Joan's
lem
own
time
is
limited also
in
tarial duties.
come
In fact,
to school;
Wanda, age
"too bold."
.jgelf-initialion,
SELF-ASSERTION VERSUS
TRADITIONAL FEMININITY
The woman
feminine role
in
is
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
woman who
is
compas
woman
is
ana
lytical,
independent,
individualistic,
self-reliant, self-sufficient, or
like
of
its
desirability for
woman and
for
a man.
An
missive,
excitable
titive,
easily influenced,
more
adjusted man.
Unfortunately, this narrow assessment of what a woman
should and should not be is almost totally incompatible
undesirable to act
like
learns that
it
is
to her.
its"
this
If
rigid
a sociology professor
at Princeton University,
in
2.
3.
An expectation
1.
status
that
women
will
emphasize nurturing
and
life-preserving activities
An injunction that women live through
rather than for themselves
4.
5.
6.
and
for others
and power
strivings
push" toward
present
in
two
Anderlin
fitting
ability,
frail
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
The reward
protection by a
man
11
unyielding
and submissive.
THE NONASSERTIVE
Many women have accepted
view. For example, at least
at
Stanford
fifty
WOMAN
and limited
the 750 female
this limiting
percent of
Bern tested described
whom
undergraduates
themselves as operating according to a rigid sex-role defi
nition. This percentage is probably higher with women in
the general population. Stanford undergraduates, who are
predominantly young, academically astute, and financially
well-to-do, do not constitute a representative sample.
The acceptance of traditional femininity clearly inter
feres with female assertiveness. Women in our society
are significantly less assertive than men, an observation
confirmed in a study comparing women and men on the
I
tradi
some areas
and not in others. For example, there are clearcut femalemale differences when assertion is conceptualized as a
term encompassing free self-expression in at least four
areas: positive feelings, negative feelings,
and
limit setting,
self-initiation.
My
in
the
her role
wants
to
to
and potentials
instructs her to rely on
talents
status?
By adding,
for
when another
and power
striving,
women.
By allowing
free self-expression
in
only
one important
she
is
to assert
marked
for
men
alone.
objective
adventurous
powerful
concerned with
self-achievement
analytical
nurturing
concerned with
your appearance
affectionate
a non-user of
harsh language
eager to soothe
hurt feelings
to take
a stand
willing
cheerful
self-reliant
ambitious
softspoken
aggressive
gullible
dominant
warm
forceful
gentle
strong
loyal
athletic
yielding
assertive
competitive
a decision maker
self-sufficient
individualistic
a defender of beliefs
a leader
independent
FIGURE
1.1
childlike
flatterable
sympathetic
dependent on others
compassionate
excitable
sensitive to others
understanding
in
our society
is
taught
to
being.
femininity
in
individual.
POSITIVE FEELINGS
the expression of pos
involves sharing with other people feelings
itive feelings
of warmth, appreciation, and affection. The assertion of
The
first
area of self-assertion
a stranger for
positive feelings may range from thanking
a small favor to letting those people close to you know that
ings
prised.
was connected
has been
in
who
is
It
is
in this
rigid sex-role
prescriptions do not
example,
in
men
encouraged women
an
women
to
ex
to follow
four
As
in
relating to
and Adapt
to him.
Much
women
of Morgan's advice to
toward
husbands.
their
may
not have
expression.
teacher
who
10
you've ever said anything like that to me.' And that really
love it!" Karen's new freedom to express pos
felt good.
itive feelings in a female-male relationship is a good exam
ple of a woman overriding her sex-role training to express
herself freely as a complete human being.
I
to
in
own
find
it
when Amy
your dress," she responds with selfdisparagement, "It's about worn out," rather than accept
the positive feedback from someone else. The traditional
is told, "I like
a woman
live
through others,
this role
deemphasizes
nontraditional areas,
it
is
to assert
"who she
role.
11
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
as
and confining as
rigid
role that is
NEGATIVE FEELINGS
The second area of self-assertion is the expression of
negative feelings. The assertion of negative feelings runs
the
"I
gamut from
am
am
upset,"
"I
"I
feel
uncomfortable" to
feel irritated,"
"I
resent,"
"I
"I
am annoyed,"
am angry," to
furious."
In
assertively,
inhibition against
expressing anger
way: "My past life had a repressing effect on my
was scolded strongly by relatives for showing
behavior.
anger.
got the impression that anger was very wrong,
and to let even a bit slip out was shocking behavior. had
models for expressing anger, but it was expressed in an
aggressive, explosive manner. concluded that anger was
was still
terrible and only nasty people let it out. Since
was
with
own
assumed
loaded up
nasty, and
my
anger,
decided to hide it."
in this
to those of
12
the couples
ally tell
know
you
you together.
if
there are
enough
nega
unlikely that
positive feelings to keep
it
is
11
all
SETTING LIMITS
The
third
By setting
draw the
limits,
line." Setting
limits
against
setting
external
example
generally
the issue
go
will
limits with
to
my
friend,
may
this assertion,
I
don't set
my
13
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
cept,
some women
is
essentially iden
tical to
But
if
feelings
ignore
will
my
and go
to the movie,
to surface.
quickly begin
a member of one
know
As
accommodate my
it.
limit
my
And my
group shared,
"If
negative
friend will
I
agree to
friends, against
for
14
The stereotypic
woman
SELF-INITIATION
Whereas through
limit
setting
we
self-
hindered
in
self-initiation: (1)
the expression of
when
competence and
and
(2)
when
in a female-male relationship.
a detailed look at the first
provides
study by
the
behavior of women in
Hall
studied
of
situation.
type
female-male problem-solving groups. She found that within
these groups women acted in a manner which corre
it
K. Hall
all
verbalizations
in
the group,
women
contributed forty-
four percent.
groups.
The
the
a phone
call,
waits to
be asked out
The feminine
role allows
them very
little
illustrates
self-initiation
in
a female-male
relation
like
just
that
human
being. This
was
women,
16
at the
beginning of assertive
training,
were
limited
17
sugar and
spice:
is
everything
nice?
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
large
WOMEN
number
of
women
in their
attitudes
and by
their
for childlike
suggest?"
Before answering these questions, let us put the current
situation of women in proper perspective by examining
the reality of women's lives. In other words, let us look at
how women fare throughout the feminine life cycle, not just
young women, but middle-aged and older women. Sur
prisingly,
is
that
in
one
of the
most
life
cycle
many women do
example,
in
tined to living alone for the last ten years of her life. Statis
tics agree. At the present time, one out of every six women
living in the United States is a widow. Many other women
find
many women
and
will
at least at
live
some
Is
everything nice?
own
Because
nary.
effects
is
with loneliness
and
isolation,
the
can be devastating.
Women who
do
in
a female-male
rela
she
lives
in,
role.
Iris
therapist,
to be more
depressed and
found
is
a reduced
21
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
be
robs a
trolling
ability to
in
her
life,
by expressing
distress,
powerless-
EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
Saturday is my day to do all of my household chores, errands,
watching the kids' soccer games, etc., since work full time during
the week. Last Saturday, as
got ready to leave the house for a
had scheduled for
quick trip to the market in between the jobs
myself, my husband asked me to stop at the hardware store and
pick up an electrical item for a remodeling project he was doing.
As he talked, he added another and then another item to the list.
The more things he wanted, the angrier got. All could think was:
I
He had been
1.
2.
knew
to
Why
hadn't
3.
4.
that, not
knowing
to
put,
could not
make.
However,
swallowed
my
to the store
where
worst fears were realized. They didn't have the exact item, so
required two phone calls home to see if a substitute would be
my
it
tendons
I
in
expressing
So wrote
in
my neck were
was angry
at the
my
unwillingness to
its
outlining a nonassertive
and
tight,
crowds, at
consequences.
22
Is
everything nice?
When she failed to set her limits and say "no" to her
husband's request, Eleanor immediately began to pay for
her nonassertion. She spent the day with an upset stom
ach, a headache, and an abundance of hostile feelings.
Most of us have experienced emotional distress similar
to that described by Eleanor. The human organism is finely
tuned to send out distress signals whenever we are in
tress.
felt
POWERLESSNESS
me
of
sits
seems that
Bob is a successful young executive in one of the many
banks that dot San Francisco's Montgomery Street finan
begins
to
tell
cial district.
me
Bob's job
in
San Francisco
is
It
new. Several
a branch
office to
managed
entail
23
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
any higher
WOMEN
chances
of promotion
were much
greater.
Without any
Bob's decision
real
to
24
Is
everything nice?
As a
like
like trying
anymore."
women who
Barbara,
ing feelings of
and
demands
of family, friends,
own
relationship
relatives.
make a
satisfying
themselves, an environ
develop as a unique individual.
environment
truly
commented
that the
powerlessness. The
(compassion,
for
women
sensitivity, docility)
is
has
one
of
possess
are not those which are
typically
to
me
various
at least four
women had
examples
of self-victimization
which
woman
in
her neighborhood
a small favor that
She hopes
up her
that
if
interests
and moved
to
failed
some
of her
own needs.
observed that both the Intolerable
found herself and her feelings of
change her situation were a direct result
In talking to Barbara,
situation in which she
powerlessness
to
and her
26
role.
conformity to
found that in dealing with
rigid
Is
everything nice?
actually had.
DEPRESSION
When
more
power
form of
Barbara began her move
to California under a great deal of emotional stress. Her
negative feelings intensified when she and Bob bought a
home in the suburbs, and she found that she had no effec
tive means of integrating her own needs with those of
her husband and her children. As Barbara began to ex
perience that she had no control over her own life, and
this experience became progressively more intense, her
debilitating
is,
helplessness.
is
the experience
nonrecognition are
feminine role.
all
of
If
If
this
28
lot
and stop
trying.
Is
everything nice?
to
is
that of the
maker, these
husbands
women
often not
without the
skills
realistically find
needed
for self-support
themselves powerless
These women
to control their
own lives.
Many women actually begin their marriage by relinquish
ing their own power base. These women neglect their own
education to support their husbands through school, ex
pecting that in return they will be taken care of. Instead,
founded, and
they find that their trust in marriage was
that by living for and through their husbands they are left
ill
Many
little
girls
grow up accept29
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
The
particularj/ulnerabijity to
depres
women
control.
In her book Widow, Lynn Caine warns women about the
consequence of basing their feelings of accomplishment
on the achievements of someone else.
A widow
feels
identity
like most
and
when
through marriage,
more
It
is
difficult for
30
is
everything nice?
A second
son's
life.
Again
Because
of the traditional
children,
women
role is relevant.
women who do
in
in
their lives
the
amount
of gratification
and
satis
was
Way We
was a time
in
in
my
breakfast day after day, year after year like some kind of
downstairs maid, as he read the paper and went out into the
world, He was getting out of the goddamned house while
was stuck there like those other wives with cold Pablum on
I
my
shoulder.
versation. ...
My
future really
of having
an adult con
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Francisco Examiner.)
11
came
in
develop
ing her own interests, in caring for her own needs as well as
those of the family, and in learning to assert her feelings
in short, in disentangling herself from the major tenets of
role.
it
was
Is
everything nice?
shes do
not.
demand
Zelda,
who as
her
life
name
is
first,
her
name comes
second.
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
status position.
It
is
colleagues.
ACTIVE, ASSERTIVE,
ANDROGYNOUS
Stereotypic femininity with its injunction against selfassertion is intimately connected to the feelings of help
lessness and the lack of reward and recognition that
women experience. The rigid strictures of the traditional
feminine role undoubtedly contribute to the high incidence
of female depression.
Many women feel that
She
is
a world
in
feelings
behavior that
is
self-assertion involves
Is
everything nice?
I'll
When guys
ask
means power
no more.
I've
least
we
One
night
me
the
for
my
power
number,
to
make me
number as
well so that at
call.
in a bar,
met a real neat guy will call Tom. really
see Tom again, so we exchanged phone numbers. Well,
as it turned out, with classes, other dates, and other commitments,
was busy every night for one-and-a-half weeks straight. Having
not been home to hear the phone ring, began to get anxious, Did
he call? Did he lose my number? Does he want to get together again?
wanted
to
Well,
to
I
me a
line in
Guess what Tom wasn't home that night either. And he wasn't
home the next night. Another week went by and something from
within told me to be assertive and call him at work. He surely must
be there. Ring-Ring-Ring. "Hello, may
speak to Tom, please?"
"Robin! Hi Robin. Ummm- is this Robin?" "No, this isn't. Is Tom in?"
"No, he's at Captain Cook's. thought you were Robin because Tom
I
left
a message here
Cook's
is
Well,
with
35
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Tom want
WOMEN
to
36
taking the
first
step
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
There are
at least five
pressing her legitimate feelings; (4) she may not know what
to say; or (5) she may not know how to say it. Table 3.1 sets
forth
these obstacles.
Many women
is
fall
was
highlighted for
me in a recent
become more
is
little
chance
that
a woman
will
assertive.
Other women
already there.
Their feelings tell them loudly and clearly that they are
being intruded upon, that they are not acting in ways which
would enhance their lives, that they are allowing hostility
to build up. But in spite of their awareness, they do not
tell
38
is
is
blocked
for
a second
The
TABLE
1
Lack
3.1
of
first
step
Obstacles to Self-Assertion
Are you aware that you have the option
of responding in an assertive
awareness
manner?
2.
Anxiety
to
3.
Negative
say?
Do you
self-talk
inhibit
by what you
your self-assertion
tell
yourself?
difficult to find
the
words
to
4.
Verbal deficit
Is
5.
Behavioral deficit
it
manner?
two obstacles
to self-assertion.
BECOMING AWARE
The first step in becoming more assertive is to increase
do not
your awareness of those situations where you
involves
This
express your feelings and opinions easily.
looking at both the specific areas of assertive expression
you find difficult (the assertive analysis) and the specific
people in your life with whom you are unable to communi
own
assertive analysis.
The
first
step
in
this analysis is
to
39
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
difficult 1.
2.
3.
Most
difficult 4.
most difficult,
detail. Your ability to
express positive feelings, negative feelings and so on may
differ depending upon whom you are asserting yourself
with. For example, with women you may find it easy to
express affection. With men, asserting positive feelings
may be more difficult.
Table 3.2 presents a checklist of people with whom
women frequently have problems in being assertive. Ask
yourself how you respond with each person or group of
Having arranged the areas from
you can now look at each one in
first
least to
tion in
list,
terms of
add up
its
difficulty to
40
C3
.03
Q>
CO
CO
0$
II
x
CD
CO
CD
-8
.-^
C\J
CO
LLJ
CO
i
CM co
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
me
that
do
not
my
express
knows
that
If
would
had been direct in expressing my negative feelings,
have saved a day of hard feelings. Although have been responding
now recognize that is a result
in this manner throughout my life,
I
it
of being nonassertive.
As a
this pattern of
in
changing
in
result,
am
direct
know.
is
It
especially noticeable
in
my
career as a teacher.
may
verbally set a limit for a classroom, but then don't carry it through.
am learning, slowly, to do this
therefore haven't set a limit at all.
I
more
results.
my
that we do
in
am
with
tioned above.
Influence analysis
is
The
first
step
analysis
Who
five
people
List in
in
your
life
particular the
effect
your husband
may
them
in
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
(e)
A woman who
to set limits
nonassertive, a
woman who
unable
or say "no," frequently finds that she has
is
is
2.
manner
in
43
FIGURE
3.1
How many
external
Do
they
The
first
step
you
in
demands on you
to do.
that constrain
Your parents
to
seek a promotion
to
come home
for
life
situation.
Now
list
who
of influences
environment.
Who
Positive
Negative
(Support)
(Constraint)
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
(e)
3.
How do
45
TABLE
3.3
Influence Content
Who
Intimate partner
Positive
Negative
(Supports)
(Constraints)
Provides emotional
intimacy, intellectual
stimulation
Has numerous
housekeeping
expectations
Sets time schedule to
Offers praise,
encouragement
accommodate
his
little
sexual intimacy
Boss
Backs up decisions
Rewards work
Sets unrealistic work
Provides training
schedule
Serves as
role
model
Assigns servant-type
tasks (doing per
sonal errands)
Provide understanding
me
Give
love on a
conditional basis
will
Make
Offer financial
love you
time
if.
(I
.
demands
assistance
Friend
Provides opportunities
for intimate
conversation
Goes places
with
me
Expects me to be
always available as
a problem solver
Borrows money,
personal articles
Myself
Enjoy
my company
Criticize
my own
mistakes severely
Recognize my
46
abilities
The
first
step
one
a compliment? Do you
minimize it? Do you allow yourself to experience the
good feelings that a compliment can bring? Table 3.4
lists many possible reactions to both positive and neg
refuse?
to
Who
Influence
Response
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
(e)
in its
women,
some women a
tern. For
Other
women may
find
themselves always
accommo
47
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
3,4
WOMEN
Reaction Possibilities
Tune out
Express anger
the situation
Remain
Cry
Shout
Acquiesce
Avoid responding
Withdraw
Delay responding
Become depressed
Explode
silent
to
my
Explain
demand
behavior
have said
Use sarcasm
Make
Refuse
indirect
comments
drugs
would like
to
later to friends
person
seriously
Minimize
my own
worth
Apologize excessively
find yourself being passive because you confuse selfassertion with aggressive or masculine behavior?
influential
person
in
my
life is
in this
man
the
way:
I
live with.
His
is
He demands
many
positive
ways and
feel
On
process.
often that
Because
would
feel that
make
to his influence
much growth
I'm too
in
the
dependent on
more
like.
48
respond
I'm enjoying
live
I
with
Bill,
do have
my
world of influence
several
women
friends
is
in
The
first
step
my life. On the positive side, enjoy their ability to listen and fre
quently to give valuable feedback.
usually feel encouraged by
their interest in me. When
listed the negative aspects of
my rela
I
and
to the occasion",
in
Even though talk with her on the phone less than once a week, my
mother is a strong influence on me and the patterns of our relation
ship continue to be important in my life. My mother has throughout
my life offered financial support and expressed affection verbally.
usually feel that she enjoys talking with me. However, experience
her as persistently and subtly undercutting me, taking the position
of being superior and more competent at all times and
conveying
the expectation that will fail while seeming to encourage me.
Always
felt that she dealt with me only as a set of needs and
problems.
The pattern that see most clearly is my expecting to lose and to be
rejected. This seems to be a part of my response to eveyone in my
life, both intimates and strangers. It is combined with a
tendency
to withdraw from conflict and difficulty, rather than risk failure or loss.
have in fact spent a lot of energy avoiding difficulty and have enjoyed
few feelings of successful achievement or satisfying self-expression
I
in
the process.
My
goal
is
to increase both the quantity and quality of my riskmany areas of my life. Right now, one of the most
taking behavior in
difficult times for
me
is
when
a three-way conversation.
vously wait for
someone
Bill
or something else to
the future,
want to hold
with
Bill
and another
talking
In
I'm with
in
my own
change
in initiating
the situation.
conversation
when
woman.
up
in
assertively: anxiety.
new
that her
herself, but to
anxiety
will
If
assertiveness
is
so unpleasant,
a permanent companion of
begins to assert herself and
finds that the negative consequences she has always
expected do not materialize, her anxiety will be reduced.
When she finds that the roof does not fall in, the floor does
not swallow her up, and people do not run away from her
Fortunately, anxiety is not
self-assertion. When a woman
eliminated.
relax.
A good example
is
found
in
herself.
underlying
50
The
first
step
of mastery,
hierarchy
is
essentially
list
of assertive situations
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
a moment to draw
up your own assertive hierarchy. Begin by thinking of a
At
this point
situation
like to
item, the
assertive.
is,
it
Make
sure
creates only
rung of
hierarchy item, look at your pattern of external
first
first
be
easy; that
to take
in a
Look
your assertive analysis. In which problem area of selfdo you experience the least anxiety? Put these two
bits of information together to form your first hierarchy item.
Next, think of a situation where you would like to assert
yourself, but the idea of doing so causes great anxiety.
at
assertion
Again,
limits.
difficult
involves
involves
external influence.
with her
focus
now able
to
It also reminds
you not to punish
be assertive in those situations that
to confront assertively.
are too high on your list. As you master the lower items
on your hierarchy, you may find that the higher items seem
less difficult as well. If we go back to our analogy of a
ladder,
52
a person
really
to
rung
five,
taking a
moving to step
goes only the distance of one step,
is
relatively easy.
In
CLIMBING
YOUR
ASSERTIVE
LADDER
FIGURE 3.2 The assertive
It
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
the
same
WOMEN
distance that
it
examine. The
sample hierarchies
for you to
bottom of
bears repeating
woman,
does accompany a woman's initial assertive
of the assertive
it
companion
that anxiety
attempts.
In
shaking, and
My
voice starts
self-assertion
because of anxiety
is
to
deny oneself
full
"Stage
54
i!ifi>ii|!ii
Hierarchy
< ccrcrcoLu.crco
CD
cor-*"
CD
o.<.E=E<.Q.:!jOuj.2LLi
^"CooJ
u5
erarchy
Hierarchies
Assertive
3.5
BLE
ri
cx
CD
what are
you
telling
yourself?
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
if
you are a
WOMEN
woman
confronted the
third
internal dialogue.
In
fact,
becoming more
in
assertive,
ways.
The idea
how
in
what people
that
tell
themselves
is influential
psychologists and
Aaron Beck have based entire systems of psychotherapy
on this premise. Basically, as Ellis explains in his A-B-C
framework, a situation or event A does not automatically
lead to a specific action C. What determines whether a
woman will act or not and the character of her action is
what she tells herself at point B,
Since internal self-talk (what we tell ourselves) can have
a profound inhibiting effect on self-expression,
usually
devote a substantial portion of time during each assertive
training workshop to exploring how each woman in the
group talks herself out of being assertive. As we go around
it
the circle of
members
(professional
women,
students,
women
begin
B occurrences)
that blocks
woman
from expressing
herself.
If
fear that
I
if
people
really
got to
keep
thinking that
might hurt
know me,
my mind
wouldn't
it's
someone's
measure up,
already suspect.
feelings,
so
never say
anything negative.
I'm afraid that
give
I
my
someone
will
58
so
don't
opinion.
think I'm
What
When
I
talk to
guess
tell
my
girlfriend,
always end up
in
what
have
to say.
Each
own
Another
of these
women,
in
self-assertion
woman
is
denigrating her
ments
for her
own
self-assertion.
is
She
express
of these
is in
nontraditional or
inhibiting effect
disagreeing with
another's opinion are actions that are especially vulnerable
to negative self-talk. For example, a woman supervisor
may need to tell her assistant that she is making too many
errors. Although as supervisor she is in a position of legit
imate authority, she will label herself perfectionistic or
bitchy for feeling annoyed about the errors in the first
forcefully, taking
place.
She
will
charge
of
situation, or
think to herself
how
awful
it
will
be
to lose
59
NEGATIVE SELF-LABELING
As we
Most
11
it
"This
60
is
well done.
line.
What
TABLE
4.1
are
you
telling
yourself?
Negative Self-Labels
said.
61
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
The
WOMEN
we have
difficult
she
someone
willing to
way
in
women
There
a second, though less frequent, kind of selflabeling that can also lead to restricted responding. In
going around the circle of members, accumulating nega
tive self-labels,
noticed that invariably a few women
would suggest that positive (or seemingly positive) labels
is
woman
needs
at the
moment.
limit their
self-expression
in
a second way.
What
and feelings
(or
all,
how many
of her opinions
anyone
Anne made
"I
I
vital.
my
opinion
in
it
comes
to
expressing her
own needs,
is
in
that
it
negates practically
all
in
se/f-assertion.
We
One woman,
are emotional
in
63
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
that
assert myself
if
haven't waited too long."
Other requirements? 'Til express myself if can remain
won't be dis
congenial." 'Til say something if I'm sure
liked." Or, "If no one else says what I'm thinking, then
say it." A more complete list of rigid requirements is shown
in Table 4.2. If a woman habitually filters her assertive
impulses through conditions such as these, at the very
least she eliminates her spontaneity, a basic character
istic of self-assertion. At worst, she cuts off large areas
of self-expression that make up who she is as a unique
I
I'll
human
being.
CATASTROPHIZ1NG
Catastrophizing is the third process that blocks selfThe term catastrophizing, as we have mentioned,
originated with Ellis as a way of describing a particular
assertion.
kind of self-talk.
One way
to catastrophize is to think of
all
the horrible
like to
consequences
dialogue with herself went, "If tell Bob I'm angry at him, he
probably won't listen. That will make me feel even worse
than do now, If he does listen, that will really be a disaster.
He will decide that he doesn't like me anymore. He will tell
I
me
all
of the things
111
start
cry
ligent,
I'll
capable
women
fail
themselves
64
ask
my boss
for
raise,
may
not get
it."
(So
What
TABLE
4.2
be assertive
/'//
is vital.
if
it
if
someone
is
can not
if
someone
if
no one else
if
if
jf
if
if
if
if
if
do
else doesn't
is
around
to
it
stands.
it.
see me,
it.
am
am
justified.
if
if
no one
if
my
be liked.
be angry
will
assertion
I'm perfect.
if
it's
if
it's
I
me.
part of
my
job.
is right.
don't antagonize.
if
it's
if
far
at
without flaw.
a matter of principle.
know the outcome.
the time
I
is
can be unobtrusive.
if
if
if
a bad mood.
if
if
in
if
if
not
live
if
if
really
can be
going
witty,
we have
to
bug me.
and
eloquent,
fairly
brilliant.
accurate statement of
fact.)
But then
that
if
65
woman's
would be awful,"
to
Ellis'
list
SELF-PUNISHMENT
There
is
form of negative
has asserted herself:
final
woman
after a
self-talk that
occurs
self-criticism or self-
when
habit
I
of,
do something wrong,
learn.
myself, 'You
tell
How can
1
"
again!
with a pencil.
When
she was doing, she was surprised. She had not been aware
of her silent spanking. In a two-minute nutshell, Charlotte
had given the group a clear example of self-punishment.
She had beat herself figuratively over the head and literally
over the knee.
Unfortunately, our culture seems to promote strong
habits of self-criticism along with
correspondingly weak
habits of self-reward. As Michael
Mahoney and Carl
Thoreson note
their
stringent
criticism
is
The cost
admired.
of self-criticism
is
is
high.
major characteristic
of clinical depression,
TABLE
It
if
if
if
if
if
if
4.3
Catastrophic Self-Talk
would be awful
every person in the world doesn't
ever make a mistake.
can't find a perfect solution.
doesn't want to see
am wrong.
my opinion is
if
if
am
disapproved
me
again.
at
me.
of.
get angry.
get emotional.
my job.
my relationship
am criticized.
I
lose
if
if
am
rejected.
blush or
if
my
voice
is
shaky.
if
if
if
if
me.
challenged.
jf
of
if
if
and approve
someone
if
like
if
if
telling yourself?
do.
ment
is
actually identical.
that vividly
67
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
critical
statements
became
If
It
self-expression.
a new attempt
If
woman
mark, she will soon give up. Self-assertion just will not
be worth the pain and contempt that inevitably follows
68
self-criticism.
to
A new
telling yourself?
if
it
is
occur again.
Unfortunately,
many people
because they
good enough.
Albert Bandura and his colleagues have done numerous
studies in this area. They have found that the children who
adopt the most austere standards for rewarding them
selves are those who are exposed to an adult model who
has an excessively high criterion of self-reinforcement.
Children are particularly influenced by an adult model who
is both demanding and nonnurturing. Many parents pro
vide such a model of rigid self-denial to their children.
Anything less than perfection is devalued, and a mistake
is seen as a catastrophe. Without doubt, a rigid selfpunishment structure can significantly retard the learning
refuse to give themselves available candy
feel their performance on a task has not been
of self-assertion.
FROM SELF-CRITICISM TO
SELF-SUPPORT
assume that you talk to yourself in a negative
Have
you been able to identify any specific incidents
way.
Let us
of expressing your
times
criticized yourself
felt
so
much
after
an
may want
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
stifles totally
Which
WOMEN
label,
requirement,
yourself using most often?
Negative self-label
Positive self-label
Rigid requirement
Catastrophe
write
it
down
also.
Self-criticism
Becoming aware
self-assertion
to yourself.
is
the
of
how you
first
step
in
your
own
talk
interfere with
record of just
how
self-monitoring by
itself
behavior that
pose
of
in
70
telling yourself?
she would review the conversation they had had time and
time again. Most of Meg's rehashing involved finding fault
with something she had said or done. Although Meg knew
that
any minor
situation
aversive stimulation
was
life.
her
"thought-stopping" procedure
a leading behavior
'
thoughts
came
back. As
Meg
explained, "It's
to talk to myself, except in the old
like
not
critical
knowing how
vacuum
a
there's
when
Even
myself,
stop punishing
ways.
left and nothing new to fill it up."
The development of something new takes genuine effort
and concentration. Only in recent years has the psycho
I
in
Many people
71
FIGURE
telling yourself?
a model
of self-support, many
say to themselves.
positive to
This
was
no repertoire
To overcome
this obstacle,
put together a
list
of positive
of
Ellis'
tive
comments
to try out
wish.
to herself
these statements.
if
points:
when preparing
for self-assertion,
useful at three
when engaging
when assessing
the assertive
a signal
can use
to verbally
ferent way.
of
any
self-
in this
world to
live
up
to other
made
tive
was
correct.
By not
requiring herself to be
a mind reader,
73
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
4.4
WOMEN
Positive Self-Statements
It
I'll
feel.
If
my mind goes
blank,
okay
it's
say if
to say
territory.
express my feelings.
My mind has just gone blank."
just
I'm
I
still
was
feeling
little
did
me
it.
to say.
I
deserve a
lot
of credit.
terrific.
They
shaky, but
didn't
important thing
Meg was
is
fall in.
respond as
that
would have
I
liked,
asserted myself.
in
relationship
to
tioned
would always be
where
she would not assert herself in the way she desired. Her
reply actually surprised me. "That really isn't a problem
anymore. Whenever don't assert myself now,
say 'So
what. Now I'm not assertive in this area.
will be in the
Meg
that there
situations
74
future.
Some
problems
15
crime.'
with
that
people
I
who
telling yourself?
isn't
Meg.
75
the verbal
message:
what you say
5
One
called
them
thing with
plan. But
him
to
until
we had had
was concerned
stop working
if
that
didn't
want him
to
do any
would
said anything, so
told
him
and cause
didn't matter
it
to
into
I
Charlie was a
would not have
little
lived
burst into tears and ran into the house. Charlie, when
we discussed my crying, could not understand why was so upset,
and was unhappy with my behavior. However, at the time, was
not able to pinpoint the reason for that unhappiness or to see how
my behavior could have differed.
That did
it!
message
78
role.
Women
learn at
an early age
to
suppress
their true
women
experience
is
not an unfamiliar
become
intimately
com
DIRECTNESS
means
Directness, first of
w hat you think.
ee or
all,
If
your anger
assertive.
In
"But surely
I
was
is
directed,
groups
my
friend
conduct,
woman
after
to
have been
woman
Perhaps
says,
knew
that
they did,
people are often "sneaky." They try to get what they want
in subtle and indirect ways. Powerless and oppressed
79
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
down
Sit
here, Torvald
you and
have much
to
say
to
each
other.
TORVALD:
NORA:
listen to
what
is
settling
of accounts.
As Nora
talks further,
self-assertion.
NORA:
When
was
everything,
it.
TORVALD:
NORA
What
sort of
hands
into
tastes,
is
that to
(undisturbed):
own
an expression
think
11
mind.
won't allow
it
The
forbid
it."
to the appeal,
stranger to you?"
changes
direct self-assertion
home
after the
day
would directly express her
first
she
the phone, interrupt her dinner, and talk for ten minutes
or more before she returned to a cold plate.
This time the phone range at 7:00, but Joyce did not
answer. Instead she completed her dinner. She felt mildly
anxious about the unanswered telephone. What if it were
her mother calling long distance rather than Jenny? What
if there
were some emergency? But she steeled herself
against her anxiety and finished eating. At 8:00 the tele
phone rang again. This time Joyce did answer. Jenny
unavailable for an
emergency
or a long distance
call,
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Jenny know
that
was so
it
(7:00):
JOYCE:
Hello.
JENNY:
Hi,
JOYCE:
Hi,
back
Joyce has
The telephone
rings.
Why
don't
call
you
in
JOYCE:
Hi Jenny.
JENNY:
to dinner.
what's happening?
like
down
just sat
Okay,
JOYCE:
like this:
finished dinner.
She
calls
to talk to
Jenny back)
between 7:00 and 8:00, and would prefer that we talk after
have finished. Otherwise,
have to interrupt my dinner. (Setting
I
limits)
JENNY
(critically):
JOYCE:
That's
Well,
right.
you never
would
But
JENNY:
told
feel
me
that before.
more comfortable
talking after
limit)
Okay.
82
may
is
We
for
to
decrease our
own
I
even
to
keep ourselves
in
feelings.
written
"I
will
hurt
someone's
in
your way.
The major value of direct verbal assertion is that it de
creases the probability our message will be misunder
getting
stood.
As we
will
see
later in
more
detail,
any message
83
TABLE
5,1
Positive feelings
really like the way you did that.
You look attractive tonight.
wanted you to know how much enjoyed the meeting.
Thank you for appreciating me and being concerned about me as a
human being, not just an employee,
I
like
You are
I
Her work
is
outstanding and
goes
really witty.
love you.
Self-initiation
I
right
now.
I'd like to
Will
I
that
can
I'd like to
I
know you
better.
would
check
be able
like to
to
you
tell
like
my
feelings.
Would you be
willing
to listen?
I
What
I
is
this prescription.
your fee?
would
I'm starting to
starting right
do something
my
feel
life
some
and
I'm
now.
Limit setting
I
like to
lend policy.
Pd rather not answer that.
That
I
is
was
not
I'd like to
84
one
of
my
priorities.
in line first.
read
this
book, but
have a no
TABLE
5.1
would
don't
my
That's not
of
don't
decision.
need any
is
help.
part of my job description.
make commitments
for me.
need
to collect my thoughts.
now,
Right
would appreciate your not smoking.
would like to think further about that before deciding what to do.
I'd
I
make my own
it.
Thanks, but
I
responsibility.
to
rather talk
little
later.
Negative feelings
resent your not showing
don't agree with you.
want you to stop that.
The
feel
put
that
was disappointed
time.
completed
down by comments
am annoyed
am
up on
me to make an exception
we had a change in plans.
you want
that
correct
without charge.
you taking my lab
had hoped
for.
like that.
done on my
car.
for you.
would
like
you
to
it
don't like
book
off
my desk without
asking.
am
am
me.
important that
of subtleties,
manipulation, or disguise.
85
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
am
We
The amount
becomes
many women
clear to
and explaining
as they compose
their
can't
commit myself
advance!"
dog two
years
simpler statement such as "I really
don't want to make that kind of commitment so far in ad
vance" would have sufficed. By this illustration,
do not
in
want
concern.
Similarly,
unnecessary explanations
to offer
excessive and
Mitzi
spent
assertion
86
in
was
evident. Mitzi
still
to
and
sounded
like
half
Mitzi
me several years
statement to
she
made
this
time
However,
every
ago."
was
to
unable
Mitzi
another group member,
stop with the
direct assertion. Instead, she continued, "Mom, you know
how much Marilyn needs a coat. She lives in Vermont and
the weather there is much more severe than in San Fran
I
let
And
cisco.
besides,
The sleeves
fit.
just
Each time
down"
position.
heard from
She had
her mother
want
to
Mitzi several
was
own
to.
She needed no
further explanation.
Giving the
In telling
full
picture
visit,
Mitzi
had
87
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
responded very
WOMEN
differently.
There
is
justification
contrast, Josie,
fine line
full
between
picture. Mitzi
two.
in
elemen
needed
months
ing two other adults (not to mention the two children) about
doubles the preparation time. After working hard all week,
couldn't see myself standing in front of a kitchen counter
I
all
ticularly
88
message
did
visiting."
direct verbal
ourselves:
message demands
don't
"I
that
am
we speak
for
want,"
Again, this sounds simple. However, in talking for ourselves,
in using the word "I," we are again going against the dic
tates of the feminine role. Many women are taught that "I"
is
dirty
"I
"I
like,"
and self-centeredness, ac
saw a wall
cording to many in authority. Only recently,
in the
word
useless
most
"I"
the
one
called
that
plaque
"I."
"I"
indicates selfishness
English language.
tariffs?"
Joanna explained
that
89
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
it
law student.
Besides minimizing her power, the word "you" allows
a woman to avoid taking responsibility for her own feelings
and
desires.
of pottery?"
may be an
indirect
way
like this
of saying
"I
piece
like this
statements.
of "you," there
is
another
in
more considerate"
substitutes for
"I
want you
to call
me
when you
And, as
we
to intrude
90
Susan wanted
a group
she has rented a cabin for
whom
We
with several
members
in
in
Susan that they had felt irritated about what she had said.
She had sounded bossy to them.
asked Susan to replay the scene talking for herself,
using "I" rather than "we." She repeated, "I have decided
that / don't want to continue to be responsible for the
am going to tie everything up with the owner
lease, so
of the cabin. I've heard that several people want to keep
I
the cabin
until
April.
It's
fine with
me
if
someone
else
to
make
members no
left
longer felt
them the space
HONESTY
The second
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
you feel; not what your listener wants you to feel; not even
what you might wish to feel. Honesty involves asserting
your feelings exactly as they are, independent of any
shoulds or value judgments or role restrictions. The adult
Nora in A Doll's House also demonstrates honest self-
assertion.
with him
Nora honestly
I
replies,
am a
all
Torvald, that most people would think you right, and views of
that kind are to be found in books, but
can no longer con
I
books.
stand them.
I
life.
and do
justice, dignity,
92
A woman
tem
caught
ill.
in this
Homey comments
that
shells
in
SPONTANEITY
Spontaneity, the third characteristic of an assertive
verbal message, means immediate self-expression. When
a woman is spontaneous, she asserts her feelings as soon
as possible. Andrew
ing,
emphasizes
that spontaneity
in his
is
Salter,
We
and energy
percolating."
93
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Spontaneity
WOMEN
perhaps the most difficult aspect of selfThe simple reason is that a person's
is
assertion to master.
spontaneous reaction
If
someone breaks
is
me,
my spontaneous
is
particularly important in
and
expressing nega
do not express my
setting limits. If
negative feelings or set my limits spontaneously, one or
tive feelings
friend of
my annoyance
to think to myself,
There
"I
or state
my
time
limits,
will
begin
and so anyway.
really isn't
other words,
they
let
go.
negative feelings are withheld, a second conse
quence may also occur: an explosion. Like the proverbial
straw that breaks the camel's back, one resentment too
many bursts the gunny sack. The negative feelings brought
out in an explosion are not typically expressed
it
When
assertively.
By
response
94
is
has turned
into
In
it
is
only
first
occur leads
to
WHY
DIRECT, HONEST,
AND
SPONTANEOUS ASSERTION?
Since being
great deal of
direct,
effort,
at this point
why
it
ings,
(2)
emotional withdrawal,
unnecessarily,
and
(4)
hurting other
people
spending energy nonproductively.
(3)
To avoid misunderstandings
Misunderstandings frequently arise in day to day inter
action. Many of these misunderstandings are never re
to directly, honestly,
speak up.
95
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
"I
much
so
like
better assert
lunch, so this
what Marjorie
had
just
'I
That woman
certainly is rude,'
negative feelings about Ellen."
ing,
The moment
Ellen broke
have very
"Marjorie,
really
eating. I'm usually the last person to finish in
group. In fact, my slowness is something of a joke in
were
any
Marjorie finished
in.
and now
still
my
family,
so
felt
96
when
part
in
one
of
my
self-assertion
own
distance of
97
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
give for
we want them
to.
come
out,
Expressing oneself
whether or not
directly, honestly,
once
that
said.
"Now
chance
don't
have much
erase it."
Lavern shared with another group a poignant example
of how nonassertion does not prevent other
people from
hurt.
After
married
for
three
being
being
years, Lavern's
husband asked her for a divorce. Lavern was shocked.
They had had no arguments, and there had been no bad
to
98
their
to talk in earnest,
was now
at least the
relationship.
messages.
a new
man
were Tom,"
replied to Liz,
"I
was
withdrawal.)
"If
me and
that
you didn't
want
a moment,
Liz
99
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
intimate relationship.
whom
it
it.
ing party. Your stomach formed a knot for most of the day,
and even when your emotion began to subside, you went
out of your way to avoid running into the person with whom
you were nonassertive. Gestalt therapists call this "unfin
ished business." Such unfinished business tends to inter
try to
100
spend thinking
and
of
talking
involved
each
Nell
in
asserting yourself?
What
are the
consequences
alternative?
She had not been able to let go of her feelings, but neither
had she taken any step to change them. Nell's specific
problem was that a woman in her apartment complex,
who worked as a travel agent, had made the arrange
ments for a vacation trip to the Bahamas for Nell and her
husband Chuck. However, because of poor planning on
the travel agent's part, Nell and Chuck had a miserable
time. They were without a hotel one night, and they missed
a side trip they had particularly wanted to take. Nell was
furious with the agent, but she did not want to make a
scene, so she carefully avoided any confrontation.
Nevertheless, Nell found herself thinking of the trip
instead of working. Each time she thought of the trip, her
feeling surfaced again, with
full
intensity. Nell
to
began
By the time
to
something
like this:
NELL (rounding the corner and suddenly encountering the travel agent):
Hello, June, I've been wanting to talk to you.
JUNE: Nell, I'm so sorry that you ran into so much hassle on your trip.
NELL (ignoring a very strong tendency to say "Oh,
June,
want you
know
to
planning the
JUNE:
What can
because
that
am
that's okay"):
was miserable on
upset that
the
trip
Well,
and
in
itinerary.
say?
101
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
NELL:
nothing, but
Well,
maybe
do want you
to
know my
feelings. I've
got back.
three ways,
tunities
the nonverbal
message: how
you say
it
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
action
We
it
is
talk to our
selves interferes with our legitimate expression. We have
discussed the importance of direct, honest, and spon
lies in
provoke a
body
The nonverbal message can either add power and force
to a woman's assertion or minimize and detract from her
tion,
When
104
is,
smiling
is
tioning
is
in
achieved by practice,
Eye contact
Eye contact is invariably the first nonverbal component
mentioned when the assertive workshop focuses on non
verbal cues. This
not surprising
number
is
if
Eye contact
is
in
self-assertion.
have learned
to fear their
we are
women
tact.
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
wants
Sally
Why do
message than
the
one
to express.
we learn to avoid direct
well.
one
much more
difficult.
person directly
Feedback common
in
the eyes,
is
to this exercise
up
at the
may
106
is
not
someone
does not
"What
am
later
active looking
was
order,
other
my
visiting
when
end of
favorite
for
my
in
the
the
direct,
young
word "bitch"
to
did
107
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
not label
I
woman.
Facial expression
Julius Fast, author of Body Language, noted "It is con
sidered exceptional, almost peculiar behavior to show
what we really feel in our facial expressions." Unfortu
nately, this statement holds true in many, if not most, situ
ations. We feel ashamed, and taken aback, when someone
points out the message that our faces convey.
Our
culture urges
themselves through
empha
assertion.
acceptance
of the unwritten
and
108
would
like to
fine,
because
am
angry,
my
There
expression can
enhance her power and effectiveness. Unfortunately, as
we have noted, the opposite is usually true. A woman is
taught to inhibit and disguise her nonverbal expression.
The ultimate effect, of course, is to severely minimize the
is
facial
is
particularly
seriously."
contact.
If
it
109
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
may even be an
addi
This occurred
when
"I
to talk
somewhere
else. Carla's
asser
coming
friends.
She
She
can
true feelings
contradictions.
Tone of voice
Perhaps no nonverbal component adds more power
self-assertion than tone of voice. Yet
is
of voice expressed.
women
in
many women
their
to
are
tone conveys.
to yourself
on tape
In interacting
women
interact with
men
as Thelma did,
in
"little girl"
manner.
111
CONTRADICTORY MESSAGES
I'M
I'M
NOT INTERESTED.
I'D
LOVE TO.
FEEL COMPETENT.
I'M
FIGURE 6.1 Notice how each of these women is giving two opposing
messages. Each woman's words say one thing; her face conveys some
thing else.
different.
Inflection or
change
in
tone of voice
is
also an important
contradictory
message
often
Voice volume
speak to members of a
The
president of the group
organization.
women's
local
was
to introduce
was
me
invited to
to the
fifty
or so
women
in
the audi
women
room began to
more assertive members
spoke up, "We can't hear you back here." The room
was large, but the acoustics were not bad. The president
of this organization was simply unable to raise the volume
of her voice to meet the requirements of the situation. Her
effectiveness was limited by her inability to speak loudly.
The plight of the president of this group is a familiar one
to women. As with many of the other nonverbal compo-
when
several
in
Two
of the
113
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
terrupted
ness of
In
groups than
their
volume,
frequently ask, "How many women here are
uncomfortable with a loud voice?" Usually twenty-five to
fifty percent of the women present acknowledge that they
feel tense and anxious when they raise their voice above
a certain level. When these women read their assertive
statements, much of the feedback directed to them involves
I
Women
well
114
my
voice
if
inhibition
about using
when necessary
a loud voice
volume.
Unlearning of the anxiety response associated with a
is aided by an exercise, originally suggested
loud voice
members who
are
of expression
cise,
she
in
will feel
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Body stance
Jan, a young secretary, recalled to one group the time
she was told by another woman, "Never stand up when
you are around a man. You will intimidate him because
of your size." Jan, who is 5 feet, 9 inches, took the com
ment to heart. As she explained to the group, "I always
maneuvered to sit down whenever talked to a man. In
stead of walking into a man's office,
made sure that he
came into mine. never once walked with a male colleague
to the coffee machine." Because Jan was taller than the
average woman, she was told to limit her body position
to a narrow range of seated interactions. It is inconceivable
to think of a man being instructed to limit his power and
I
mobility
in this
way.
is
in
that
it
mine once
hostility
or defiance.
chiatrist
body stance. At
friend of
a psy
through his
visited
attitude
their first
any chance
tion of
expressed.
116
for
my
way
you're saying
it."
Nonwords
The difference between effective and ineffective asser
tion sometimes lies in the final nonverbal component: the
use of nonwords. Nonwords are defined as sounds or
words that add no meaning to what a person is saying. A
cough, a sigh, and words such as "okay," "ah," "really,"
or "y u know" are frequently inserted simply to "fill" a
sentence. These fillers can detract strongly from the power
of our assertion. An example with which you are probably
familiar is that of the speaker who connects all her or his
sentences with "and uh." Ultimately the "and uh" attracts
attention than the content of the speech.
more
will
frequently expe-
117
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
stenographer
whom
she supervised.
had taken a
Sybil
first
in
the group
was
this; "I
It
her shoulders.
"How do you
"I
don't
feel?"
know" she
asked.
"Not very
replied.
satisfied.
Kind of
Judith, as the
three times
try to
at
all.
make
my
say
It
in
just
instructions.
It
has caused
all
for
tions through
118
to give
of definiteness
SUMMING UP
We
had a chance
in
tiveness of a
woman's
self-assertion. Sally
was
involved
same
if
George
When we stopped
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
down over her right arm toward the floor during most of
the interaction. Another person commented on the soft
ness of Sally's voice and how slowly she expressed herself.
The
total
was one
message
conveyed
of fatigue, or
nonconcern, or helplessness. Al
her
words
were
though
strong, George had little problem
them.
ignoring
When Sally began again, she sat facing George. Her
back was straight, she faced him directly, and she main
tained good eye contact. She made an effort to speak
louder and to hasten the pace of her speech. The con
trast with the first rehearsal was dramatic. Besides chang
ing the nonverbal behaviors that the group had mentioned,
TABLE
6.1
will
to
be.
Eye contact
Can you look another person
Do
your eyes
statement?
shift
directly in the
Do you
eyes?
when you
for
a moment
after
assertive
you complete
or saying "no?"
with
full
eye contact?
Facial expression
120
firm
when you
TABLE
6.1
Do you avoid
smiling or frowning
wrinkles?
Do you
when you do
little girl
to others
an assertive
position?
in
front of
a large audience?
Body stance
Do you minimize your effectiveness by slumping or holding your
head down?
Do you freely use gestures to express yourself?
Do you have difficulty knowing what to do with your hands?
Do you antagonize other people with critical gestures?
Nonwords
Are you afraid of silences?
Are you aware of nonwords you frequently or habitually use?
Do you interfere with your assertion by excessive movements or
sounds?
Are you
afraid to
speak slowly?
121
assertion
versus
aggression:
how
to
express
negative
feelings
effectively
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
woman.
His response
lethal, vindictive,
biting, fingerpointing,
me
accusing,
back
bitchy,
'Who's Afraid of
dilemma. John
who has
it,
annoyed,
aggressive
124
in
on
In this
chapter
we
will
explore this
PASSIVITY, ASSERTION,
AGGRESSION
tially
alternatives.
In his book I'm Okay; You're Okay, Thomas Harris pro
vides one framework that clarifies the attitudes underlying
these three response possibilities. Harris describes three
basic
ence
life
in
childhood and
These
influ
positions are
You're
okay, I'm
okay
okay You're not okay; I'm not okay You're okay. As
sertive, aggressive, and passive behaviors are reflected
in each of these respective life positions.
all
subsequent
interaction.
concisely summarized
is
as:
life
I'm
that right."
On
names and
deserve
to
125
reveal
my
feelings to you.
When a woman
am furious at you"
reveal what
is
are
felt 'or
all
assertive statements.
experienced
woman goes
at the
They simply
moment. If a
intrudes upon
someone
find herself
seems
just
126
INHIBITED
*
** *.VC
C*
*.*
WOULD YOy..rtH..rtl>nnJ
NOT
ASSERTIVE
FIGURE
7.1
or aggressive
Which
in
life
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
time,
sponses
in
7.1
re
The
led
many women
forcefulness and
aggressive. As a
guess
that
Still
when
woman behaves
ner,
she
is
is
structured so that
position.
her meal
is
128
in
social
a restaurant,
Anger
is
means
passivity.
not aggression
ively,
is
only
of
to
anger
able.
polite,
ladylike, or feminine.
It
is
a lesson that
lasts. Vir
we have no separate
to
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
WOMEN
7.1
Situation:
am asked by telephone
my neighborhood. This
campaign
in
to accept.
the telephone.
tell
my
really don't
want
to
ibility this
busy?
year.
Assertively
son
to
say
"I've
respond:
Aggressively
have to go now.
need to start dinner.
go
Then
Aggressively
Passively
be in charge of a charitable
a responsibility I do not want
Assertively
Situation:
is
respond:
Passively
down
to
It's
six o'clock.
know
dinner.
got
hang up now.
Someone's at the
to
think
have
You
to
You
get
don't
about anyone
but yourself.
door.'
Situation:
am seated in
the
window seat on an
airplane.
A honeymoon
ing couple in the seats beside me are waiting for everyone to leave
before getting up. I have to connect with another plane. I respond:
Passively
sit until they leave.
get a stomach
ache.
I
Assertively
have
me
to
get past?
make a
Aggressively
Are you two ever
going to leave this
plane,
close connection.
130
TABLE
7.1
Situation:
(confd.)
am
Passively
leave a penny
-,..,,
tip.
was
waitress
service.
encountered.
make a show
of
don't
want
cleaning the
up by
dishes
expect you
banging
several
clean
to
myself.
to
do
ever
Aggressively
With sarcasm:
love to wait on
and your
my
half.
I've
Assertively
Passively
given adequate
Situation:
after
respond:
Aggressively
Assertively
life's
just
you
friends.
It's
ambition,
saying goodnight
Situation:
late.
I
We
respond:
Passively
Assertively
am annoyed that
you are thirty minI
utes
to
late.
don't like
ning of a movie.
how
Aggressively
make
corn-
When
131
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
at
woman, associated
with
with anxiety.
relief.
the
men no
longer experi
aggression. Instead, they learned to
respond with anxiety when expressing their anger. We can
assume that a woman's heightened anxiety at expressing
enced
anger
tively
trials,
relief after
is
also learned.
It
is
unlikely that
woman
instinc
her to do so.
HOW TO EXPRESS
NEGATIVE FEELINGS ASSERTIVELY
Directly expressing negative feelings
is
difficult
asser
tion for
of "muscle."
"I"
Dr.
In contrast,
of the
first
psychologists
recognize the importance of "I" messages. In his book
Parent Effeotiveness Training, Gordon urged parents to
share their feelings with their children by way of "I" mes
sages rather than scolding them with "you" messages.
to
"polite
necessary
133
that not to
that
couldn't find
anyone else
just inconsiderate!"
Even after three practices,
to
go
with
Susie continued to
tell
Claire
fourth attempt to
in reality.
Her prac
tice
herself without
should.
in
134
it
is
usually
The Parent
on
relies
do
"You
shouldn't
"you" messages.
typically
that" or "You don't ever do anything right" or "You're a
bad (selfish, rude, childish, and so on) person." When we
hear a Parent remark, most of us remember the scolding
"you" messages from our own parents, and react back
as angry children, "Don't tell me what to do" or "You're
a nag." Alternatively, negative feelings expressed
from the Adult position will usually call forth a compli
mentary Adult response from the other person. The state
ment, "I don't like to be teased" typically leads to the
counter Adult response of "I'm sorry. I'm really just ex
just
You were
really
rude to
me
in
James
the restaurant.
aside,
and the
rule
my
dessert
book
of
won't
All you do is nag. Next time,
even take you and your friends out. (James responds as any
JAMES:
135
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Were both
Jill
assertive manner,
JILL:
and James
a different
would be
an
likely:
was upset that you suggested that we leave before was fin
ished with my dessert.
would like you to ask me if I'm finished
I
sibility for
to
occur
like
future situations.
in
Jill's
solving
we
JAMES:
problem
for her.)
I'll
her feelings and her request for him to change his behavior.
also asserts his own desire for Jill to feel free to express
James
herself at the
moment.)
of
each
other.
136
one question
is
In
frequently asked:
"How can
did not
like.
nothing."
was
talking to Mary,
training class.
It
masculinity.
As we discussed
man in
member suggested, "If were me
my gut feeling into words, would
it
'I
him or dissect
his personality."
Why
137
one
of impotence.
or
ically
who
periodically
temper tantrum)
is
spected or listened
Moreover,
leaves a
who
is
generally re
to.
for
bitter
to
change
his attitude."
assertively, there
is
no need
Muscle
The second parameter
to consider in expressing
the level of muscle. Muscle is a
your
con
negative feelings
have found very useful with all self-assertion, but
cept
first
particularly with the expression of negative feelings.
is
138
but she
was
also exhausted.
questions.
She stared
intently at her
mands
feeling with
name
call.
of her situation.
The degree
muscle
is
sity
of the event.
at the
my
assertions
amount
139
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
my
if
my
territory.
"If
140
that
High-level muscle:
intensity of the emotion calls for the immediate use of highlevel muscle. Jean, a graduate student in biology, shared
as Lois
left
comment was
"I
was
141
LEVELS OF MUSCLE
AGGRESSIVE
"You're inconsiderate
and rude. Don't you
LEVEL
A
\J
please help
me?"
MUSCLE
S
LEVEL
3
MUSCLE
you
again,
call
kick
my chair
rm going to
the usher!"
LEVEL
2
"if
"I'm serious,
kick
my
don't
chair."
MUSCLE
LEVEL
1
my chair, its
bothering me."
MUSCLE
PASSIVE
FIGURE
7.2
a wide range
her to
fit
(DIRTY LOOK)
SILENT
muscle
woman has
levels allow
looking for
with rage.
to sleep.
was
looking for
143
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
SUSAN:
Jean,
WOMEN
don't
JEAN:
What
did
am
do?
am
just
disgusted.
mean,
in
a powerful way.
woman
She must
feel
all
anxiety is triggered
the components. This anxiety can prevent a woman
began
some
to cry.
release,
ternative.
When women
begins
reinforces the
argument
that
women cannot be
truly
responsible.
obviously
is
know on an
will
continue to experience
Women
expressing
anger does not lead to a catastrophe. However, when a
woman first attempts to assert her anger, she may feel
that
something
terrible will
happen.
this initial
practice
woman's
on a
practice.
role playing,
ing
first.
They
Among
the
145
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
been the
following:
2.
3.
Phyllis
1.
and began
talking.
When
Phyllis
asked them
politely
first
Many women
self-expression.
assertively with
messages such as "I resent," "I don't
"I
or
am
like,"
angry about." This is not as easy as it
sounds. Some women find that they must write out a brief
script to
to
express
your negative feelings by looking directly at your friend
or,
146
if
tion, try to
you
say.
until
it
is
mean what
to the point.
legitimate feeling.
Spontaneity
little
it
woman
I'll
Once
evaporates. The
the
ing immediately
we ensure
in
appro
But what
the past?
What
if
147
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
women
backdrop
experience every
of prior frustrations.
new
Under
initiated
ful
here."
homework assignments
that are
supposed
to
tice
wash
to
me.
it
is artificial.
seems
intrusive
fifty
cents'
are
assert herself.
encounter.
In
own
view, there
can legitimately
There is no need to create such an artificial
the next chapter on setting limits, we will
how
149
setting limits:
learning
to
how
say no
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
ually
composes
tions
like to
some
kind of
limit setting.
feel
Limit setting
tion for
and demands
of other
people
is in
In
our culture
women
WHAT DOES
Setting limits
I
am."
It
external
your time,
152
Setting limits
woman
be
all
defines her
visitors.
come
different
Her
style
woman
is
when
unless Kathy
tells her.
A second
aspect of
limits is that
they
and
change
with
circum
different
my
my
limits
example, when
changed once
began
153
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
available to
me
mattered most.
In
saying nothing),
guess
felt
just couldn't
admit that
my
limits
had changed."
The
third
command even
aspect
154
study
Setting limits
We know
jects.
sion than
that
men on
to
men when
obey.
line to
meet."
155
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
my
find
her
feeling them,
seem."
Until
extremely
it
difficult to
recognize,
much
less assert,
limits.
THIS
The
IS
WHO AM
I
not
fit
can be best
Person
If
A and
is
together
be met with
limit
spent
setting
will
not
FIGURE
8.1
The top drawing represents two people with no personal
The second drawing illustrates a mutually desirable interaction.
The diagonal lines in the third drawing demonstrate where person A has
contact.
into
her space.
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
allow
will
limits.
advances
B's
not
will
is
be stopped.
illustrated in the
The
sion
is
A may
limits
Person
cannot ignore her
If
is
manner she
where the
feelings. Cathy, a
tion.
was
my
how
to save,
time.
to
I
was
relinquishing control of
life.
how
to
spend
began feeling
escape and withdraw.
my self.
found
husband to decide
my
my
if
it
for
THIS
IS
The second
people how
to
vital
function of
to treat us.
be treated
fear of setting
in
limit setting is
teaching other
limits.
As
Gloria described,
didn't
158
Setting limits
that
was being
treated
fairly.
and
role,
in fact,
husbands.
demands
that
In
letting
treated,
you need
those
first
to refuse to
rights.
other people
you need
to
experiences
in
her
life.
She
wrote:
159
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
reserved.
were
He
just
we would
he
us stay.
be treated
By refusing
to
in
my
tables.
The
if
to interrupt
me when am
I
deal
committee assignment,
have~Wface
the
assert
my
limits,
bance
will
be repeated.
HOW TO SET
In setting limits,
methods work
fail
to
distur
LIMITS
Some methods
lead to
2.
3.
Making your
limits
clear
Using
Employing the necessary muscle
partial limits
4.
5.
160
Setting limits
Making your
limits clear
in
who
it
that
resentful,
know
exactly why.
In
Stella,
2.
3.
4.
we came up
with
visits:
The timing
what was
and she had not been bothered until recently when June's
in-law problems began to dominate the conversation.
Identifying where she felt uncomfortable allowed Stella
to
tell
June,
"I'd rather
not talk so
in-laws.
161
limits with
it
change about
and
clear about
Stella
was unable
to assert
her feelings
if
it
does not
clearly
The use
One
of partial limits
benefit which
is
was
setting
is
one's
limits
clear
not an all-or-nothing
162
Setting limits
ested
in
Sandy reported
back
my
that
now
limit
to
how well
seem upset
it
can com
fortably talk."
The use
of
muscle
consequence.
In
using muscle, a
woman must be
conscious of those
tions
it
If,
163
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
muscle
to level two,
is
a law against
further
consequences
have no
when
Why
assert at
all
it
Setting limits
in
these
words,
Letti
may need
to
go through
simply by ex
has already
of
two
stereotypic femininity: the injunc
injunctions
ignored
rather than for herself and
for
others
tion that a woman live
the injunction that a woman inhibit all forcefulness, asser
Why
is
this alternative
pressing her
own
limits to
so
difficult? First,
the passengers,
Letti
and power
tion,
she
will
a scene," being
or "petty"
mate
all
self-assertion.
Letti
assertive alternative
LETTI:
STEWARDESS:
not to
tion; that's
why
to get a seat
here.
are
smoking
they
smoke?
in
section so that
would
165
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
like
you
to
WOMEN
ask these
men
move,
(level-two muscle)
STEWARDESS:
anger beginning
is full,
to
and the
show
in
flight is
in
her facial
it.
If at this
point the stewardess still refused to back down,
the dialogue might have" continued:
STEWARDESS:
LETTI:
Yes, that
is
what
I'm saying.
when
is
cost of assertion.
In
my
Letti's
experience,
in
tion.
166
An
self-assertion.
illustration
may convey
Setting limits
letting
go as a passive
go as a powerful
solution to a
problem and
letting
assertive consequence.
Dr. A.,
lest
one
blown up
placed.
at
On
to feel that
work
in
because
the office
was
slipping.
asked her
she
had considered changing jobs. She admitted that in her
field there were jobs available and that she would have
no problem getting one. But she did not want to "give up"
and then feel like a failure.
In speaking further with Faye, it became clear that she
was confusing "giving up" with "letting go." Faye had
remained in her job for two years, and she had made
In
if
several attempts to
It
seemed
to
me
change
that
an assertive
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
roommate Penny.
CAROL: Penny, do you have a moment
PENNY.-
limits with
her
to talk?
Sure.
CAROL:
want to bring up something that's been bothering me and
see if we can work it out. I've been upset about your leaving
clothes and personal articles in the living room.
I
PENNY.-
Well,
in
the bathroom
either.
CAROL:
PENNY:
my housekeeping
picky.
CAROL:
That
may
the living
you be
PENNY:
As
willing to try to
Penny, but
it's
in
"What do
important to
At this point
for help.
well be,
room uncluttered
as they
me
have
Would
to
visit.
are.
me
asked.
feeling?",
"I'm frustrated," Carol answered.
I
"I
away from
way
this
168
Setting limits
relationship,
something
PENNY:
Yes,
me
CAROL:
and
that
come between
us.
there
Is
guess
to talk,
Can we
am
talk
isn't
tomorrow?
Sure.
meta
level Carol
comments on
that
uncom
feel
very
limit
setting
on a
form. Notice
2.
want
don't
to
go any
of meta-level limits:
further until
calling,
can't
respond
to
willing to
tell
me
your feelings.
Please stop taking care of me. have a right to base
my behavior on the reality of the situation.
can't listen to you or try to understand when you use
3.
4.
had a
horrible, awful
store that
169
there some
we can
way
compromise?
8.2
In
Setting limits
soon, because they were now making a terrific profit. It was the
absolute worst time for me to hear what Greg wanted to tell me.
I
much
could get
him know
my
limits.
direct
told
manner.
clear, direct
When
had had a
enough.
As we talked,
became aware that
Greg's good intentions stop her from
in
him that
Anita
letting
shared
was
observation
say?" She then
this
went something
GREG:
Hi Anita.
like this:
How
are you?
ANITA:
Well, Greg,
don't
ANITA:
Greg,
just not
I'd like
in
today.
GREG
(ignoring Anita's
limit):
Well,
went
to
lot
of trouble to find
ANITA (interrupting):
would
like to
I'm really
news.
171
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
GREG:
WOMEN
you bought
lot
of
it
ANITA (raising her muscle): Greg, stop! don't want to hear any more
right now. Please respect my limits on this.
I
GREG:
Oh, you
ANITA:
That's
really don't
right.
don't
want
want
about
to talk
to talk
about
this right
now.
it.
PITFALLS TO AVOID
Having discussed several ways to make limit setting
effective, we can now turn to some of the pitfalls to
avoid. These include:
more
2.
3.
4.
5.
be reasonable
Making excuses
Responding by reacting
Engaging in a "rescue operation"
Attempting
to
discussing
it
but that
one.
it
puts her
in
feels that
own
duties,
to her,
however, Rosalind
me
about this."
typically says, "Thank you for telling
Paula, director of a physical therapy unit, describes
an
at team meetings.
assistant, Pat,
Although Paula deeply resents this behavior, after every
meeting she takes Pat the materials and instructions that
she handed out to the other group members. Pat is not
forced to face the consequences of not participating as
part of the team (that is, she is not reprimanded, and she
always has the materials to do her job). In fact, Pat actually
Setting limits
to
be
polite, to nurture,
and
to take care of others, they often fall into the trap of rein
forcing other people for imposing on them. Perhaps the
that of the
of nonintentional reinforcement
prob
that
be
Trying to be reasonable
A second
pitfall
to avoid
that of trying to
is
be "rea
SALESPERSON
CUSTOMER:
(incredulously):
You see,
type
all
of
my
letters.
letters,
you
will
give
rarely works because for every reason
for not wanting to do something, you can give an opposing
reason back. Reasonableness frequently leads to inter
ableness
minable arguments.
Liz found herself having such arguments with her two
teenagers about the issue of their bringing visitors into
the house without her knowledge.
with her son Phil went something
uz:
you
Phil,
didn't
tell
when someone
Someday, may
I
PHIL:
never bring
me George was
coming
is
over.
typical interaction
like this:
not be dressed.
friends over early
my
in
LIZ:
your friends
if
would be
place to go.
PHIL:
LIZ:
if
that
leave.
PHIL:
Well,
and
is
how
you
feel."
When
to bring friends
PHIL:
174
But
why
feel
not?
But why?
who
is
here.
Setting limits
LIZ:
would
PHIL:
LIZ:
Well,
I
good reason,
like
I
Phil.
inviting
uneasy, and
just feel
anyone over.
to feel that
way.
of being reasonable.
Making excuses
A third
making excuses.
woman to avoid expressing her honest
feelings. A woman may tell herself that she makes excuses
to keep from hurting someone's feelings or to avoid offend
ing someone. What she is more probably doing is mini
mizing her own anxiety about defining herself as a unique
Excuses allow a
human
want
to
enjoy concerts. But Sue told Mary that her husband had
made other plans. By using her husband as an excuse,
Sue did not need to let Mary know an area (going to the
I'll
175
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
out of
it,"
may
WOMEN
think to myself.
Many women
men who ask them
man down or hurt his
find
themselves
in
my
limits,
ill
it
it
It
in
the beginning."
Responding by reacting
In
Tom
176
one
of
my
described
assertive
workshops
for
Setting limits
who
he has assisted
basement
woman knows
is
overflowing.
The same
is
true
when
that
if
launched
into
a long story.
177
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
setting limits
initiation rather
by
than by reacting
is
effective alternative.
Engaging
in
SECRETARY:
before
leave.
GROUP MEMBER:
SECRETARY:
a rescue operation
But
Well,
GROUP MEMBER:
if
why?
I
don't,
it's
sticky
in
the morning.
Why do you
care?
that
women
activities
life-preserving
live for
others
it
Setting limits
QUESTIONER (looks around the room and fumbles with some papers)
Well, yes.
of her eye):
Do you
Do you know
My
I
first
strong assertion
assertiveness
in
this area.
spent four and one-half years living with a brilliant man who
put
unfortunately was an alcoholic. On nine different occasions,
up with his drinking bouts. He had lost his license because of drunk
I
driving. Therefore
became
literally
hours.
When he decided
ending
in his
together,
suicide,
my wants were
this time,
complained
to very
179
it
incurred.
One
drunk.
immediately
shake from anger and
band's
sister
who
Nancy,
is
me
left
am
my
feel
is
with
filled
anyone who
is
drunk.
my
hus
also an alcoholic.
"nice" person as
clothes, or
I
feel
marriage.
Wednesday
situation.
explained
night
decided
Thursday
I
called the
manager
into this
of her
unpleasant
apartment and
need assistance.
The security guard entered her apartment and found her inco
herent and very drunk.
relayed this information to her psychiatrist,
and he wanted me to go over to her apartment to try to sober her
I
up. This would be a replay of all those years with David continuing
on and on. After thinking about the problem for some time, informed
the psychiatrist and the apartment manager didn't feel could get
any more involved and would not be going over to rescue Nancy.
I
my
was because
180
had a
right to
do what
felt
was best
for
realized
me.
it
Setting limits
The rest of the afternoon and evening had twinges of "not being
a nice person" and "everybody, especially Nancy, certainly won't
had no regrets for what said. It is as though a new
like me," but
pathway has opened in my forest of emotions. think was easier
to assert myself to two strangers. It probably would have been
harder if had had to be assertive to Nancy in person, but hope
have progressed up the ladder of assertiveness to the place
where can also assert myself directly to Nancy. What a pity did
not have this courage years ago.
I
it
181
don't
let
criticism
stop you
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
would like the ice trays filled after the ice has been used
because she is afraid Vivian will counter with something
critical about her own housekeeping habits. The exam
ples are everywhere. Betty is afraid to return a dress that
does not fit because she fears a hostile reaction from the
sales clerk. Alice does not pursue her interest in taking
ballet because she is afraid someone might laugh at her.
an especially frightening consequence for
a person who accepts two common irrational assumptions.
Assumption number one: For me to be "okay," it is abso
Criticism
is
Emotion
in
Ellis in his
Ellis
most
women
184
Criticism
everyone
is
assertive workshops,
in
'I
respond assertively
to criticism.
me
when one
can
"I
student
tell
you how
"When
in
English.
the criticism is, apologize. say, 'Yes, that's true
really is awful and I'm a terrible person."'
I
lot
in
that
my company
I'm criticized,
doing what
become
defensive.
all
I
like
Lee.
start to
Whenever
explain
why
I'm
I
and
I'm doing.
If
typical.
women respond
in
dif-
185
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
ways
to criticism
habitual silence
because
is
lost
a job
Fortunately, criticism
does not
invariably lead to
nega
tively to criticism
1.
Accept the
2.
3.
is criticizing
her
4.
5.
As
criticism
a woman chooses
on
her feelings at the moment. All the above
depend
responses are assertive in that they allow a woman to
with
all
will
son.
186
Criticism
down one
write
realistic
feedback.
In
criticisms
woman
when
Later,
how
written.
group
how
to
do
to
respond assert
Nan
will
each
crit
exercise
in
setting.
When a
criticism
is realistic,
is valid,
I'm
to
sorry,
just can't
last night,
and
seem
had company
to get it together.
wasn't able to get anything done/'
I
187
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
WOMEN
9.1
Think of one
1.
2.
When
3.
and receiving
criticism.
4.
When you
5.
criticism.
responding to
In
realistic criticism,
some women
that
find
that the
is
valid
immediate end
to the criticism.
to
difficult
assumption
188
"I
woman who
must be perfect
to
Criticism
tion is
in
challenged,
an imperfect
member
of the
human
family.
There are times when criticism does not fit. There are
occasions when criticism is based on false information.
If this is the case, it is important not to accept the criticism.
It is important to disagree. Yet many women find it impos
sible to challenge a criticism they feel is invalid. A compli
ment may be dismissed "You must be kidding," but a
criticism is swallowed without question. How many of you
have had the experience of being in a situation where
to
say
'I
do we have such
189
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Criticism that
many
critical
is
too broad:
One
of the difficulties
criticism
that
in
responding
to overly
broad
categorical inter
of
with
their
the premise,
behavior.
pretation
They agree
"If you are not absolutely perfect, then you are guilty of
is
in
it
190
Criticism
for
was
was given jointly, and Audrey felt bad about At the time
the remark was made, Audrey felt that she could not dis
agree. She was talking when she should have been at her
desk. Yet her discomfort came, in part, from feeling that
the criticism was unfair and that she did not like being
viewed in that way. In sorting out what she really wanted
it.
Criticism
when a
am
criticism
is
mean
young
was
when
Carrie
day,
Mon
work
refusing the
past the normal five o'clock quitting time.
overtime assignment, Carrie did not give her supervisor
the full picture. She did not explain that her husband was
did she feel that this was necessary. Several
ill, but neither
In
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
own
to his
WOMEN
opinion.
He can
believe/'
When
one was
one mind.
group about
this incident,
every
direct effect
In this situation,
it
was
women
the group
for Carrie to set the
in
this criticism
based on the
is
and
was
fact that
refused to work
difficult for
actually very
day. Except for this one occasion, worked overtime for the
firm every time
was asked. As you are probably aware,
it
this
woman
Fo
was able
to differentiate her
life.
behavior
in
one
situation
from
Criticism
woman
is saddled with
no longer appropriate.
Cynthia, a social worker, faced a yearly performance eval
uation which invariably contained a statement to the effect
that she was a nonassertive person. 'Til admit that the first
criticism that
was once
valid but
is
three years
in
my
job,
mendous amount. To
social
work
aid
it
Self-affirmation:
When a woman
that criticism" or
"I
can't
accept
disagree with what you just said," she
is essentially blocking a not okay message from another
person. But a woman can go one step further. She can
actively describe how the criticism does not fit. She can
affirm her okayness by stating her own opposing view
states,
"I
my
someone
and
original example, if
report is not well written,"
193
IN
FACT
AM OKAY!
RESPONDING
ASSERTIVELY
TO CRITICISM
worked
on
overtime
thirty
in fact, I've
separate occasions.
FIGURE
9.1
When
powerful position
Criticism
statement,
our
It
to invest her
power
affirmation allows
support myself.
in
other people.
In
contrast, self-
to
determine how
view myself."
You
"I
195
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
wave
more
Limit setting
As
women
listened to
in
mother," "That
was a
"You are
fat
feel
You may
involves teaching
another person how we expect to be treated. This includes
teaching another person how to give us negative feed
back. Since aggressive criticism can and often does harm
a person,
assert her
In
it
is
one class
limits
that
was
area.
teaching,
the class
196
of the type
Criticism
TABLE
9.2
Criticism
don't agree.
be
assertive.
your work.
something important
You're selfish.
disagree. At
doing
me.
to
take
care of myself.
You
is
people.
No.
one
my
of
feel that
strongest points.
devote
my
full
attention
amount of
concern.
You're never organized.
find that
activities
each
of destructive criticism
I
would
like to
me.
to
of us occasionally encounters.
she ingeniously
titled
one
Portnoy's Complaint.
had completed reservation and
ticketing
training
me
I'd
definitely
know
quite excited,
really
with
assignment seemed relatively routine, and accepted
three
to
book
specific flights for
confidence Mr. Portnoy's request
reservation
airline
the
agent informed
his clients. Unfortunately,
My
me
first
news
were
fully
to get alternative
confidently strode into Mr. Portnoy's office
instructions.
"I
told
you to get
me
flights!"
don't
need stupid
office to hear.
"Do
people around
this office!
When
say
flights,
want
flights!!!'
197
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Stunned,
flights
when
be stupid!
WOMEN
I've
don't
been
to
my
"How can
desk.
booked.
know what
get those
really
must
to do!"
as possible.
clear,
My
entire working
experience
first
in
one.
he called me stupid.
never once pointed out the fact that what
lacked was experience rather than intellect. simply remained silent
and allowed my self-confidence to be torn from me by his continu
ing abuse.
I
became so
mance never
I
nervous, unsure,
improved.
and apprehensive
In fact,
it
until
that
actually deteriorated.
one day
went home
my
My
perfor
anxiety
"sick" never
fired her.
No catastrophe
someone
for
Fogging
Manuel Smith, author of When I Say No I Feel Guilty,
has formulated a method of dealing with criticism that he
terms "fogging." Fogging is a response to criticism that
does not say "yes" or "no." If am fogging, neither agree
nor disagree with a criticism. Instead,
briefly acknowl
edge that a person has criticized me and then quickly move
I
198
Criticism
on
to
the direction
am traveling. A whimsical
through fog
through a briar
is
contrast to walking
walk
walking through a briar patch. If
to
have
patch, am pricked and scratched.
I
me to
or "That
sometimes"
may be
true."
The accusation
of
one
when
giving this favorite example to one group
'selfish.'
label
the
woman said, "I couldn't fog away
was
really
ately realized
want to fog
I
demand that
own opinion,
In
rny
does
This brings us back
alter
Delaying
The
fifth
and
final
method
a
delaying. There are times when criticism takes
is
woman
199
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
tion
icism. Let
me
think
about
it
for
a few minutes."
how
me
spond
respond
to that. Let
PUTTING
IT
message.
TOGETHER
try
out her
new
in
200
Criticism
been
other group
like this:
GROUP MEMBER
TERESA:
You
1:
know.
aren't talking
much
GROUP MEMBER
TERESA:
I
Well,
2:
I
quiet, but
affirmation)
GROUP MEMBER
You'll
3:
if
you
TERESA:
You may be
(Fogging, setting
GROUP MEMBER
right,
but
limits)
4:
TERESA:
of
can't
my
accept
that.
isn't
one
you would just get off your high horse and come
you might see yourself as you really are.
don't
TERESA: Wait just a minute.
really resent what you just said.
want to talk about this further. (Setting limits)
GROUP MEMBER
down
5:
If
to reality,
GROUP MEMBER
TERESA:
I'll
6:
have
about
that,
but right
now
limits)
201
the
professional
woman
10
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
to
self-sufficient
is
who does
is
inine qualities
204
stereotyped femininity.
women
are
supposed
On
to
desirable
in
tisements
at the
estimated.
tional
In
feminine
this
chapter
role.
and few,
if
any, role
it,
dency
to cater to
Alex, Carl,
JOHN
SUE:
Sue
because
woman
206
You
here that
take notes.
am asked
to
to
do
It's
it.")
just
consider
do you?
thinks:
I
am
"How
the only
THE
PROFESSIONAL/
FEMININE
ROLE
DILEMMA
KJJL
EARTH
MOTHER
FIGURE
10.1
she
is
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
the
first
to volunteer, Elaine
had
her
into
You
don't
You know,
really don't
take very
good
MANAGER:
find
fine.
Okay,
Why
why
find that
at
notes,
effectively concentrate
don't
re
first
That's what
a time.
come
happened
to
can't
Why
in?
me
last
Elaine's trap
try
again,
"Do you
your
notes are not good?" Elaine smiled, "No, my notes are
always* very good." The next logical question
"Then,
why did you put yourself down?" did not need to be
asked. Every
woman
statement was
208
all
competence had
Elaine
been able
Self-minimization
is
common
women.
tactic of
We
have
served
mother
woman
alone. As a young
one group put
"When try to set limits, always
say something like 'You know what a
put myself down.
neurotic, fussy housewife
am, but would you please take
"
feet
off
table!'
your
my antique
Self-minimization, as we
shall see, is one aspect of the stereotypic feminine role that
can do great damage to the woman professional.
Elaine began her second rehearsal:
for the professional
in
it,
You
MANAGER:
ELAINE:
to
don't
was
her side
'I
'I
209
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
down someone
else.
Other women,
in
have resolved
"thinking like
210
explained,
"I
am
not a
male chauvinist.
I'll
treat
you
like
do anyone
else.
sex-role definition.
in a professional position
herself of three traditional femi
woman
rid
The rest
more detail.
self-minimization.
constraint
in
of this chapter
will
examine each
Jeri Scott is
of the
few
women managing
story during
we had
both
made
we now
hold,
we
211
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
planation of Jayne's
In
her 1968
doc
finals,
Anne
to achieve.
than ten percent of the men tested had negative or anxietyridden stories to the "top of his medical school class" clue.
for
in
to avoid
success
that inhibits
them
competitive situations.
Subsequent research on fear of success reviewed
in
in a
1973 article by David Tresemer, has questioned whether
Homer's study reflected a true motive for women to avoid
all success or simply a fear of sex-role inappropriateness.
212
In
of
medicine
in the male-dominated
profession
have
seemed
may
inappropriate to the women
students. The traditional feminine role in our society has
not encouraged women to assume a position of leadership
in this
area.
It
is
of
some
when men
their behavior.
tain jobs.
and male pronouns, and job titles do not contain the suf
man. For example, the unbiased advertisement for
Telephone Lineworker says, "We're looking for Outdoor
People! Are you a man or woman who likes fresh air and
fix
exercise?"
213
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
The result
Whereas only
est
WOMEN
of Bern
percent of the
five
jobs advertised
in
women
a sex-biased
in
clear-cut.
indicated an inter
format, twenty-five
The
influence of what
is
women, women
women
limiting
it
was
listed without
heading.
on the
and behaviors of women is quite dramatic. The
woman who wants to realize her full potential must recog
nize that she has been conditioned to see certain areas
as off limits. The "fear of success syndrome" will only come
to an end when women look beyond such artificial sex-role
limitations and begin to take on positions of more respon
sibility and more power.
In
attitudes
The power
"I
want"
of "I want"
is
definitely not
a statement
that
fits
the proto
San
Rafael, California,
nize the
with
214
power
a class
is
one
of the
women
to
recog
of the statement
that
first
"I
The professional
that
feels that
once a person
one's
own
in
is
woman
desires.
touch
She
her or
and
wait
back
in
completely
gut with "I want," she or he can then sit
for events to move in the desired direction. There is no
mysticism in this statement. Until a woman acknowledges
her needs and desires, she cannot recognize or reach out
his
for opportunities as
also bears this out.
them
What
observe as we worked together was
came to
Tina and
her reluctance to acknowledge that she wanted a career
for herself. Not "It would be nice to have a profession if
my marriage fails" or "I could be of more help to my hus
band if knew more about business," but simply "I want
a career, regardless of whether
stay married or get a
I
divorce."
Once
for herself.
gan
the
Having a
"I
want" was
definite,
clear, Tina
needed
began
to
work
mind, she be
to accomplish her objectives.
concrete goal
in
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
The
difficulty in
problem
is
extremely
many women.
exercising authority is not limited to the
a group. It is also apparent in the
of leading
woman who
includes the
woman who
tells
making suggestions
it
believe
down
216
How
and
sounded con
forceful.
authority
is
minimized
came
difficult to
was
2.
tied to her
Use of names
Acceptance of
sexist
language
4.
5.
3.
217
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
when
or
WOMEN
relationship
in this situation,
to
by other people.
head
James Johnson,
vice-
of a manufacturing
company,
called
in
called
in
the
He telephoned
company.
In
if
When
first
name.
In short,
relation
218
much about
the
If
would have been less likely that her authority would have
been overlooked.
At this point, you may want to look at areas where you
to your
operate on an unequal name basis. Do you refer
doctor by her or his first name if your doctor relates to you
on a first-name basis? Do you initiate calling people by
their first names, or do you wait for them to set the name
to someone you
pattern? Would you feel uneasy relating
have always called Mr. or Dr. on a first-name basis?
it
from a
to
woman's
legitimate assertion of
anger or resentment
is
a woman may
find herself in
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
tion,
mining
who
men
to
do
it.
If
woman who
going
to
have a very
is
difficult
is
in
basic
fact,
woman
to
adopt the
response
is
initially
at
Keeping
to
"I
feel
In
watching
women
deal
and
220
secretarial duties.
in a
manner
by the manufacturing manager of her
professional
company. She describes the following interaction with him
which led
that
is
Jo
JOANNA:
JOANNA:
Perhaps
don't,
it's
because
I'm not
pad?
a secretary.
MANAGER:
JOANNA:
MANAGER:
MANAGER:
am
at this point.
want
manager about
JOANNA:
me
And
want you
other day
MANAGER:
this issue.
I
as a secretary?
Well,
besides,
the guests,
JOANNA (confused):
think that
Well,
is
poor
really don't
me
in front
of
office practice.
you challenging
was rude
wanted because
to you.
of the guests.
at
221
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
me
like
me
you challenging
from her
own purpose.
a position
of
of guests,"
defending
herself,
Joanna
shifted
weakness
in front
In
rather than
ing party.
Had she
own
assertion.
you challenging
me
in
To the comment
"I
cuss
is
is
concerns.
The
We
it.
"However,
222
."
There
is
third
way
women
which
in
to
complete
power. They
they lose their agenda by "stopping short." One group
member, Jane, a high school teacher, wanted to practice
expressing her negative feelings to her principal. The
fail
principal
had come
into
no expla
nation for this action except, "I knew you were no longer
on that topic." Jane wanted to practice confronting her
principal about this incident, so we set up the situation
to rehearse.
JANE:
want to talk with you about some incidents that feel have
been interfering with our relationship.
thought that you might
I
also have
some
that
out
my knowledge
Women
as non persons:
We
men and
alike.
The
woman
woman
Hamilton of a
vice-president of a major
New
York
firm
secretary" that he
I
his overcoat!
one, giving
my name
"This
is
Dr.
Butler calling"
and
having them reply "Would you tell Dr. Butler that Mr. Smith
is busy right now?" The automatic
assumption "Doctor
to override
my
statement
is Dr. Butler."
message
women
that
are supposed to
Women
positions
to
its
rely
of authority;
and,
if
the
message
human
full
is pushed
and complete
beings.
Credentials:
small drug
Helen
is
manager
of
a
is
when
so
is
he's out.
know
people assume
questions."
After presenting her problem, Helen agreed to rehearse
the situation for the group. We felt that by hearing her
we
response
of assistance
The
brief
member
say no.
the rehearsal.
title
my
position."
The negative
tion of
it
was
escape the
quickly brought
to
atten
Helen's
attention.
One member
dentials,
told Helen,
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
POSITIVE SELF-PRESENTATION
of
manner.
suggest that for the purpose of this exercise,
no one is to say anything negative about herself. Women
in the group frequently report that this one exercise creates
more anxiety than all the other group exercises combined.
concur with their opinion. When first began modeling
positive self-presentation for the group, also experienced
a high level of tension accompanied by an unfamiliar blush.
I
accom
226
have com-
FIGURE
don't
10.2
know why
Prize."
it
up,
and ah
awarded the Pulitzer
but was
I
ah, just
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
vides
but you never told us how your own ability was involved.
would like to hear what you personally had to do with
being appointed supervisor." On the group's suggestion,
I
"I
am
an effective
EKG
technician.
am
an award
my presentation.
thoroughly. My research has led to
important conclusions."
for
some
interesting
and
her
ability
Initially
first
was
members commented
talking to
Susan
later
isolating her,
led to her connecting with several other people.
In
own
abilities
and
accomplishments, women
minimize their
in
another
competence
way: they present themselves as
passive bystanders in their own lives. Betty, a thirty-yearspecify their
work
general,
my
very interesting."
Betty presented herself almost totally from a passive orien
tation. "I enjoy writing," rather than "I write well." "I enjoy
writing. In
find that
"I
am
is
a good teacher.
am
able
woman
to
who
influ
fourth
example
is
life
an important antidote
of self-minimization
was
to
illustrated
Dr.
229
really
summed up
continue to
have
all-or-nothing trap;
reliable or
way about
difficulty listing
you are
either
unreli
yourself.
If
you
to
tell
2.
make
3.
Am
learning fun."
specific about
"I
4.
Do
230
teaching, or
do
teach
in
an interesting, enthusiastic
manner?
5.
Do
subtle apologies
As a second step,
and accomplishments
as
have an apologetic tone in your voice? Do you convey a
feeling of embarrassment through lowered eyes or nervous
laughter? Do you indicate your uncertainty about the valid
use of qualifiers?
ity of your statements by the frequent
of your nonverbal
Once you
same
questions,
friend's
and
if
you
like,
feedback.
Positive self-presentation
self-affirmations.
is
in
a job
is
231
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
1
0,
WOMEN
Positive Self-Presentation
am
make
2.
that reason,
am
deadlines.
I'm the best writer
3.
my company has
had.
My
else's.
4.
5.
am
do
it
6.
tarial skills,
but
am
and able
to
keep
material
flowing smoothly.
Through my years
7.
way
of experience,
needs
of translating a client's
product.
As a mother
8.
in
of four,
best advantage
As a volunteer,
9.
a level-headed and
in this
I
effective
position.
raising.
The campaign
in
financial
managed
last
manage
was
year
10.
11.
sive
to
feel that
am now
even
ready
women
secretary
232
in
abilities
and accomplishments.
EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
TO PRESIDENT
Highly motivated individual with solid business background
sought as executive secretary and administrative assistant
to chief executive officer and president of major corpora
tion. Involves all phases of executive responsibilities with
233
Jackie replied:
am the Executive Secretary-Administrative Assistant
described in your recent Wall Street Journal advertisement.
I
am
and
self-motivated, with
have
successfully
in
profit-
sharing trusts
communicated
all
levels.
am
man
Board
at
Jackie's
letter of
application
tive self-presentation.
234
is
a masterpiece
in
posi
like,
reveal
more
would
a large university.
which
to preserve
the
omitted
name,
(Jackie specified
her confidentiality.) She described the results of her fundposition of conference coordinator for
I
raising efforts
was
PUTTING
IT
ALL TOGETHER
woman.
YOU'RE A WINNER
talking with a
group of professional
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
'I
until
"I
Then
found myself confronting what
to feel confident.
began
a stress
interview.
It
began the
is
typically
difficult,
I
and
known as
we went
interview.
along,
was subjected
vide a
go
off
Then
went on
pretend that
I
had
make
to
make my
to
point.
Once
was asked
to
was
on very strongly
'You
back
made
came
made
'The
entire time
was
interviewing, there
were no butter
200
was
comment that one of the men made to me when fin
ished. He ended his congratulations with the statement,
the
'You're a winner.'"
236
female-male
relationships:
forming
a new
connection
11
and
indistinct, Until
haps
twenty-five roles."
The
house
roles of seductress,
for
meaning
of the
note,
"Women
women
the
in
college increased
number
In
of
fast
as
men.
force of
a thirteen percent
238
rise for
never-married
women
(50.5 per-
Female-male relationships
And
nance
sense
of both
woman's lifetime
woman-man relationship. The mainte
shift in
the focus of a
of individual identity
INTIMATE COMMUNICATION
Many women
themselves in intimate
female-male
relationships, in
relationships, particularly
volves more risks and therefore more anxiety than selffind that asserting
The
woman who
come
But
angry."
in
239
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
man may
"Yes,
is sent (both verbally and nonverexample, may not match the sender's intention. A
tell a woman with a sound of irritation in his voice,
love you"
affection.
sage he sends
a message
is
that
is
the receiving end, For example, a wife may say to her hus
band who is cooking, "I think the eggs are burning" with
the intention of being helpful. She may make the statement
a low muscle
level, in
on
message, and
we
will
focus
message,
(2)
the message.
The
intention of a
message
Female-male relationships
tied
up
in
and sharing
is
little
room
of individual feelings.
structure:
in
Then
was
good
friends.
as two people;
we
We enjoyed
liked
each
being together;
other.
Now,
new mar
"we were
we
related
It
bitions.
to do.
outline
some
of the
Clause
long to
1:
other.)
241
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Clause
5:
The problem
is
and expression
Even
in
it
is
Luthman and
The Dynamic Family, operate according to a "theory of
positive intent," which assumes that "in every piece of behav
ior, no matter how destructive that behavior appears, there
is some kernel of an intent to grow." Even in the punishing
pists Shirley
of
*From Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, by Nena O'Neill and George
Copyright 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. Reprinted by per
mission of the publisher, M. Evans and Co. Inc., New York, New York 10017.
O'Neill.
Female-male relationships
there
band
A woman may
(or
"If
let
contact and
object,
hurt,
he
"If
will
of feelings
my hus
tell
use
against
it
A man may
my
need
am
not
want."
SARA (whining tone): Are you going to watch football again today?
CHARLES (defensively): Yes. There's a good game on, and want
I
see
to
it.
243
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
SARA:
But
you do
So what?
CHARLES:
SARA:
all
Well,
off
watch
football.
work hard.
have a
right to relax.
that
never get
to
do
want.
(angrily):
my
is
anything
CHARLES
WOMEN
Go do what you
back.
in
the rehearsal
about
how our
asked her to emphasize the "I want" rather than the "you
did." Sara was able to incorporate these suggestions
into
Charles,
that's
been
like.
CHARLES:
SARA:
like to
do?
CHARLES:
really
the
know
helps
game
I've
me
just
sit
around and
been spending a
Why don't we do
and me?
unwind.
you
talk.
lot
something together
it
after
rectly stating to
244
It
is
actually
Female-male relationships
How
is no
of
has
a
better
chance
much
message
Most
being received positively than a "you" message.
wives want to give to their husbands and wee versa when
there is no manipulation or guilt inducement involved in the
request. Table 11.1 contrasts several "I want-you did"
ever, in terms of
doubt that an
"I"
statements.
that
it
one" gives the message, "I would like to do this, but if you
have something of more importance, that's fine."
This one to ten scale can also be used to help couples
make decisions about which they are in conflict. If Karen
245
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
You
WOMEN
11.1
You never
anyone
All
think about
If
is
work.
talk to
me
like to
to
each
You just
love when
want
to
make
love.
you
listen to
down
and
vision
make
would
want you
to call
time next
week
beach.
me while
opinions, even
anymore.
late,
some
take
to the
go
want you to
my
pig.
You never
would
end
from work,
me.
you're going to be
me.
but yourself.
you ever do
you
to kiss
if
I'm stating
together
talk for
night.
want you
to
respond
feeling sexy.
We
intercourse, but
to
me when
I'm
you to
satisfy
me.
You're cold and selfish.
When
I'm excited
about something,
Why does
have
to
everything
go your
way?
Why do you
much?
want
I've
resentful.
drink so
would
like
you
to drink less
when we go
to parties together.
portanceshe wants to do
week and Jack's need
next
246
only be of level-three im
today so she can take off
may
it
for
a day
of leisurely contact
Female-male relationships
may be
in
at level eight.
each
of the
own
'I
that
n
is,
"
247
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
think
The
I'll
to
to
go
stay
re
plies.
seemingly innocuous interchange
depend upon whether Gayle's question is both direct and
honest. According to C. H. Madsen, a researcher to whom
Knox refers, a direct question is one that asks for the spe
cific information desired; an indirect question asks for infor
mation in a subtle manner when such information could be
obtained directly. Thus if Gayle is actually trying to ascer
tain from her question, "Do you feel sexy? Do you want to
make love tonight?", her question is indirect. Again, accord
ing to Madsen, an honest question is one to which the responder can answer no without penalty. If Gayle's question
results of this
her
will
tired."
"I
ques
need
is of level-nine importance to me
go out tonight, and
that you go with me."
Why do people resort to dishonest and indirect ques
tions? Quite simply, in most instances such questions re
duce anxiety, For example, to ask directly and honestly,
"Do you want to have sex tonight?" is difficult for a woman
to
it
who has
248
his feelings,
regardless
Female-male relationships
and regardless
of the circumstances,
A woman
sures.
that the
means
having such a
of external pres
probably assume
the mood for sex tonight"
belief will
in
don't love
don't like you.
worthless."
these
You're
assumptions, it natu
Having
you.
"Are
her
to
for
much
easier
is
ask,
you tired tonight?"
rally
"Would
Furthermore, a question such as
you like to go
out tonight" produces less anxiety than the statement "I
need
to
go out
a question
is
tonight."
woman who
says /
/
ininity by taking care of herself. Moreover, in expressing
her
self-labels:
own
encounter
to
is
need, a woman
likely
selfish, demanding, inconsiderate. She may even face
similar labels from other people. To ask "Would you like
to go out tonight" saves her from acknowledging the dis
crepancies between her actual feelings and what she has
that she should feel.
Directness and honesty force a woman to face herself.
By being direct and honest, she shares with another per
son "This is who am." As tell members of the assertive
been taught
workshops conduct,
be certain that won't
I
"If
am
with
fit
skills
involved
in
A second
intimate
refinement of the
communication comes
of
learning to use appropriate muscle. It is something
and
who
is
the
to
talk
about
obsequious
person
joke
249
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
sycophantic
and take
of truth
in
WOMEN
it
all
all
tween intimates
we
communication,
just
as
in all
assert
a low
level of
that
250
Female-male relationships
TABLE
Low
1 1 .2
to High-level
Muscle
level
feel
uneasy
feel
uncomfortable
rather not
don't
like
feel
upset
feel
annoyed
feel irritated
resent
am
am
angry
furious
High level
to give the other person a sense of hav
a woman says "I have
understood.
been
Thus,
fully
ing
been feeling uptight about your working late so often" to
her husband and he fails to respond at all or replies with a
perfunctory "Mm hmmm," we can say that satisfactory
may be necessary
if
the sender
Acknowledgment
ings. In
conveying
to
is
another person.
the salve that heals
my own sense
wounded
of the healing
feel
and sooth251
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
acknowledgment,
it.
Instead,
men
are
supposed
to perform.
"Do something"
is
These men
how
In
our
one workshop
initial
for
introductions
11
to
and
know what
to
suggested
to her,
Female-male relationships
woman
"If
lem,
It
me know
that
in
comes on
intensity,
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
TABLE
I
1 1
.3
WOMEN
Telling
me
more.
my
that
position,
Again,
it
is
important to
commu
remember
that acknowledgment
a person's feelings in words
a communication has been received
change
in
was
client,
and
began to
and
my
started
catastro-
the
pen wouldn't
work. All of this time, was aware that Tim was listening, and began
feeling angry that he wasn't acknowledging me. So said, 'Tim, I'm
talking about this pen not working and I'm not being heard." And Tim
replied simply, "No. I'm listening. really know how
feels to have a
to." Then he went back to
pen that doesn't work when you want
work. That was actually all that needed to hear. In the past, would
have had to have been hysterical before was acknowledged. Then
Tim's response would have naturally been negative, and we would
have been off and running.
if
it
it
254
FIGURE
11.1
When a
person
is
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
important
is
message
could develop.
Female-male relationships
Doug
seem more
interested
interaction
The
skills
assertive
acknowledging another
mesage, assuming
vital
an
are
to
important aspect of the intimate
person
connection that we will now examine.
positive intent,
SEXUAL INTIMACY
In
it
is
relatively
easy
for
woman
to
257
emo
tional intimacy.
Book Company.)
The A level, or the outer
At the
all fall
C we
who we are.
want from a
about the person whom we are
these are C-level concerns.
with, how they feel about us
At level D, as in the previous level, we talk about who we
are as unique individuals. At this level we reveal our fears,
our needs, our hopes. In level-E disclosure we present
ourselves without disguise. Here a woman feels free to
talk about anything. Nothing is censured or omitted. The
diagram in Figure 11.2 can also be viewed from a sexual
orientation. The A level involves little or no physical contact.
The B level involves friendly touch. The E level involves full
relationship,
how we
feel
sexual expression.
A woman may
sexually, without
On occasion
LEVELS OF INTIMACY
EMOTIONAL
A SUPERFICIAL INTERACTION
B SMALL TALK
SEXUAL
C AFFECTIONATE CONTACT
D PASSIONATE CONTACT
E
FIGURE
ual
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
this
becoming
is in
developing
emotional intimacy.
In
one assertive
entire
session
is
to
meeting
made
it
Betsy summed
up first.
You know how is. Around the third
it
is a decision
go to bed or to become
first date you go to the movies or out to dinner. The
second date you have dinner at his house with another couple. The
third date you invite him over. Then you either sit there
watching tele
it
either to get
friends. The
more involved or
had a
four or five
timeswith
He asked me
period.
made a move
to
get
what
Since Betsy's
was a concern
back
you go
stand
Bob
to
up, to
to bed.
in
to
much
don't like
is
not
which
is
to
me
What
the relationship.
go
to
bed
intimate contact
we had
after
with him.
like
between
finished,
him,
us.
he
think, but
had no idea
to say.
difficulty in
moving
women
to
a more intimate
level
Why
BETSY:
260
don't you
Bob,
that
of other
we
I'd like
spend the
to talk with
are at a point
in
in
Female-male relationships
a man
until
feel
BOB:
BETSY:
me
BOB.-
who has
want to be committed
guess
involves some commitment.
that
to
be
to
in love,
are you?
Why
can't
we
just
to
see what
develops?
BETSY:
relationship.
we
It's
In this
me
if
we
know each
or
if
ing on Bob. She simply told him her present position. The
interchange, depending on Bob's next response, may or
may not lead to greater intimacy. The point is that through
her assertion Betsy finds out what she needs to know to
determine her own actions. If Bob does not "want to get
involved," Betsy can make her decision about sexual inti
macy knowing that Bob wants something different from
what she wants at this point. He is free to change his mind
as she is.
The reluctance to speak directly and honestly, to keep a
relationship on the same emotional and sexual level, can
lead to a woman or a man being hurt in the interchange. For
example, Susan expected that her sexual involvement with
Roy meant the same thing to him that meant to her. For
Susan, level-E sexual intimacy involved a deep personal
commitment to one other person. When she found that Roy
did not want to commit himself to her (or to any one per
son for that matter), she felt betrayed. She had based her
sexual intimacy on false assumptions that she had never
it
men
are
261
ing this up," Paul said, "but just within the last year I've
been with some women who are sexually quite assertive.
the
it
because
of
make.
Female-male relationships
distortions
can occur.
An
exercise
in
overcoming
this
initial
hinderance to effec
sexual area
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
extremely
WOMEN
difficult.
Because
of
a desire not
to hurt their
when
they do
not.
The cost
became angry
he
felt that
acceptable.
264
Female-male relationships
when we consider
advance.
involves assertive
com
amples
nicate
in
of Mr. Inn
commu
and Ms.
therapy
a couple who were having sexual difficulties (failure to
achieve erection for him; failure to achieve orgasm for her).
Ivy,
One
was
the develop
ment
of
265
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Ms. Ivy
felt
awhile."
266
will
the
female-male
connection:
maintaining
closeness
and space
12
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
is
woman
and through
setting limits
and
others, that
she
self-initiation.
IS
ME.
I'M
SEPARATE
and
will
Female-male connection
contrast, the
was
with
felt
and determined
said there
to straighten
was something
it
out.
had
When
to
speak
call as a
him about before dinner. told him did not regard his
emergency and if he did that again would be inclined not to
honor it. If it was a real emergency it would be like crying wolf once
too often. Again he brought up the business of timing my conver
sation.
said that was what
felt most uncomfortable about, as it
made me feel as if "big brother is watching you." said that thought
to
true
whom
and
how
was my
and as long as
was not atoll call, saw no reason for limiting
He said had often
complained about other women gabbing too long, and now the shoe
was on the other foot. said that had nothing to do with the present
situation.
said that this involved my private civil liberties and that
would not accept such strictures. added that wanted him to under
I
talked
to,
it
for
long,
choice,
it.
stand
why
felt
uncomfortable about
this,
so that
it
wouldn't
come
up again. Beginning
to
just
felt
wanted
to
wonderfully
make my uncomfortable
light
feelings clear.
... to think of
being free
of the usual resentment, anger, and hurt, or from being argued into
a corner! felt much more in control of my life, with less need to con
I
trol
my
feelings.
269
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
treat
you
Amy began
to her
come
almost immediately to
this in
an assertive, not ag
was able
I
real likes
Amy's
to reply, 'This
is
and
dislikes.
is
difficult
Although she
actually
who
by her former
pretense.
It is in a
beginning relationship with a man that a woman
has the best opportunity to startout on an
This
eguaLbasis.
meanSlfiat she''"carpSm^e staft'TeacTTTier partner how
ShlTcan set her limits before a
:
negatiyepa^^
Thisisl/\7fTat"6arla did with Mike, a man she
dating for a short period of time. Carla and
had been
Mike had
you
was
to believe that
our arrangements
don't like
270
and
that
at
I
has moved
I
really resent
do not plan
to accept."
is
something
Female-male connection
replied.
"I
when
assumed
said
I
made my own
plans accordingly.
Maybe we can
again, though.
would
like to
get together
this
see you
weekend
clear that
control.
of her
Second, she
is
third,
shedeal^
Because
T^arTaHai^^
the beginning, she will have
she
enough knowledge of Mike's responses to decide
and Mike fit as a couple. Only because Carla is direct with
can this
whp^sbeJg and ho/vj^^
determination be made before she has totally committed
4ng^^
if
herself to him.
MAfh^lT^Joman by
relationship to develop
the pattern
that
shift
in
becomes more
more
whose
practice
depended
to
his
mary
to
accompany him
an
271
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
expectation she
more
resentful.
much work
of having too
set
up
with
Rosemary and
Earl
an exchange contract
determining
activities.
272
Female-male connection
was
living with.
rarely affectionate
toward
her;
ill;
he was
hear
to
her feelings.
273
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
"Am
my
willing to raise
my muscle and
set
a consequence
if
con
in the context of self-assertion when she made what
sidered to be a very important statement. She said, "If
am constantly forced to assert myself in a relationship,
I
Terminating a relationship
One
of the
most
women
Laura had been dating Jeff for about a month. She liked
him and thought that he was a nice person, but she was
not interested in developing an intimate relationship with
him. In fact, as Laura revealed, 'Tin at the point where
would genuinely rather have a good book to read than
spend my time going out with Jeff." Laura had tried to tell
Jeff that she did not want to continue dating him, but be
cause of her own anxiety and guilt, she had not been suc
cessful in giving him a clear message. Laura explained,
"My next date with Jeff is coming up in a few days, and
I
want
once and
for
That's
why
of this
I'm
group
it
all.
in front
274
Female-male connection
in
told Laura.
From
LAURA:
JEFF:
this perspective,
Jeff,
want
to talk to
Okay. Go ahead. We
to make the movie.
don't have
much
time though,
if
we're going
LAURA:
Well, Jeff,
reason,
want
to talk with
What
JEFF:
it.
Here Laura
Jeff
all
him,
them.'
'I
LAURA:
with you.
JEFF:
That
don't
I
just don't
really
leaves
me
hanging.
of something you
more time
change
replied:
in
based on my
you because
me
to invest
any
a favor by telling
him her feelings. If there were any specific reasons for
Laura not wanting to continue their relationship, she would
be doing him a favor to be specific. Jeff has a right to
know what Laura's reality is. Otherwise, Laura would be
Believe
it
or not, Laura
is
doing
Jeff
275
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
him
of assumptions not
based on
form a set
to
fact.
relation
ship that is not based on each person's honest feelingall too often leads to an abrupt realization, "I don't really
that Jeff
may now
would not
an
feel
In fact, in
actually
intimaterelat^^
ar
TotRe^ersbrrTTTgTt
is
out with a
ol$a^^
man
that they will live happily ever after so that she runs
no risk of hurting him. It does mean that she needs to keep
him up to date on her honest feelings.
it
As
Jean
was
Martin,
am
trying to
Using the
Since her
convey,
definition of
would
just
received a
completed
letter
my
from
assert
letter fits
like
my needs known
assertiveness as "making
express
but
my
inside
husband's head to
my
ideas, release
find out
what he
is
feeling
and
think
full
share
276
workshop,
We
went
into
wanted
a room
some
I
at our
Mike.
said that
it
was important
to
me
to
me
in
know how he
our relationship.
felt about these
Female-male connection
things.
We
so
was
this
conversation
said
again
continued.
I
really neat.
He
made him
feel
it
bed, and
I
asked him
this
if
for
type of
uncomfortable.
in
and
talked,
it
my
it
our
life
we can
needed
together.
his verbal
have found
important to
him
in
like
you,
feel
attitude
like
on
his part.
feel that
he
trusts
me more
than he did.
do
posed
subject,
if
they
saw someone
else refuse to
do
so.
a woman's freedom
first
compliment. "Elizabeth,
like
how you
278
in this
area as some-
Female-male connection
was notable
she accused,
know so
many
instances
it
is difficult
for
expression when
it
occurs.
SELF-INITIATION
As
finding themselves
more
initiating
No
my
life,
asked."
I'm asking
Women
no.
and the
It's
fear of
totally
it,
is
279
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
who wants
for herself
In
my
initial
"and
usually
how
begin thinking
he want
to
myself 'Okay.
meet me?
want
to
to
start
If
in his
I'll
want
to think for
obstacles to assertion
in this
Negative self-labels
would be
pushy
I
overanxious
280
area.
of your
own
Female-male connection
Requirements
assert myself
I'll
if
he looks interested
he doesn't talk to anyone else
Catastrophies
It
will
be awful
if
he doesn't
me
like
message
"I'm interested."
A woman who
is
in this
active
is
likely to
281
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
was
women
had
typic femininity. She mentioned that
women feeling free to take the first step in
I
spoken about
a female-male
like to
message seri
know that she is now living
with a
In
she wants
to meet.
282
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
*? RESCUER
VICTIM
FIGURE
When a woman
she
DRAMA TRIANGLE
13.1
is
in
one
drama
familiar position.
triangle,
Because
way
intended to engage
284
in
Special topics
Be
in
as
this
which a
it
messages
a victim
of
permission to
sending a clear and
their inner
in
message,
number
assertion
of
money,
like that of
it
of inhibitions in
in
general, For
285
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
women
fail
to
own
rights with
husbands,
assertive about
if
And as
became more
other areas
victim position.
Operating
286
in
a businesslike manner
is
all
too rare.
Special topics
short notice, to
role of victim.
and in
writing.
Further,
prevent self-victimization around issues of
money, a woman has to be very careful not to step into
to
true
for
in
to adjust to the
monetary
re
The
situation
Janice
When
began
to refuse him.
new
assertive stance
all
287
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
b).
From Janice's
became
invariably occurs
when one
is
A woman's
can serve an
identical function.
(Janice)
(Jeff's creditors)
FIGURE
and don'ts
(Jeff)
(Jeff)
(to
be determined)
V (Janice)
13.2
this
Out
of
or a spendthrift, they
288
money on
herself.
Special topics
this
rigid
requirement
this
process
in
the future?
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
The topic of sexual harassment has come out of the closet
and into the public media and the law courts. The use of
negative economic sanctions (loss of a job, failure to
recommend a raise or a promotion, etc.) to force sexual
compliance from women has existed for a long time. Until
recently, however, women accepted the blame or feared so
much the possible consequences of asserting themselves
that the problem remained hidden. Just as the victim of
rape fears that she will be stigmatized, so the woman sub
jected to sexual harassment hesitates to bring the problem
to the attention of her superiors or her colleagues.
In
trusion,
woman
physical assault
As with most assertion that involves teaching a person
how
to treat you,
it
is
important to
A typical
reaction
289
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
is
WOMEN
to smile uncomfortably.
vious,
comments
jumping to conclusions; he
doesn't mean anything by it. don't want to sound paranoid."
By the time a clear intrusion occurs, the harasser can usually
resort to the defense, "You led me on."
Moreover, even if an overt move never occurs, a woman's
life can be filled with chronic tension and concern. It is not
uncommon in such a tension-ridden situation for a woman to
quit her job, leaving behind an open season on the woman
with
who comes
ment
next.
By
quitting,
woman
accepts
all
the punish
role.
clerk.
five
most
her fear
difficult
("I'll
continued to
treated
"I'm
uncomfortable.
don't like being
So the next time it happened, Linda said,
insist,
like this."
own
it;
"I'd
290
Special topics
women
women
for
that
was needed.
clerks,
whom
however
One evening
working late,
in her immediate
vicinity.
He
couch
was
his office
the other
if
all
women
in
similar complaints.
the office,
There
is
who
still
might,
power
in
in fact,
unity.
have had
She could
As a
When
though
it
occurs
been
has
be for someone who
may
291
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
taught, "Don't rock the boat," "It's your own fault," etc.),
the woman will not be the one to absorb the brunt of the
it
few
of
all
women. These
old behaviors
change
only as people,
them.
When a man
nomic
position,
will
be
less likely to
make
woman
finds that a
he
will
FUNCTIONING ALONE
Functioning alone is a fear of many women, yet the vast
will face this
necessity at some point in our
majority of us
lives.
Why
is
being on one's
own so
difficult?
Economic
women
just
from
persons.
292
Special topics
If
it.
Men
women?
Why
not
You'll
if
in
in
high
in
priority.
Moreover,
in
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
to act in her
in
need
enjoyed.
WOMEN
own
behalf. At
of rewarding activities,
critically
that
inner persecutor,
recommend
Talking to Yourself:
to
Learning
Important Person in Your Life.
A final obstacle to women functioning alone
even those
who have
Some women
operation.
own
excuse) of
Sam,
vitations
When
didn't
to step
294
Special topics
tirely.
a form
you
to assert yourself,
will.
Pauline
was faced
vic
isolation,
timization, or assertion.
'I
men
guilty
if
It
it
his
invitation,
getting to
me
right
I've
enjoyed
fit
for
point,
295
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
can choose
to
WOMEN
make
some
thing
self
may
reason that you choose not to go out with him. Or, you may
want to set a partial limit. For example, if you wish to
continue the relationship, but not on a romantic basis,
your response might be, "I'd love for us to get together as
friends.
would
like to
get to
know you
in
a romantic
relationship, but
THE PERSECUTOR
point of the drama triangle is the role of per
As we have already seen, this position too has
relevance to assertion. There is, for example, a clear
difference between assertion and persecution, fine though
the dividing line may be. This difference lies partially in
The
third
secutor.
a person's
intent
in
Is
the intent to
in
latter intent is
a strong
also different
in
The person
296
Special topics
was
setting
consequences of
a
new
business, which
up
At other times,
it
others.
it
label "assertion."
that
needed
exchanges
there
was a problem
that
she wanted
was
clear:
Her
and arrang
to correct.
these kinds
In
oriented
oriented
This'
message.
"I"
of situations,
message
in
that
it
emphasizes the
when
solution
date,
it
when you
said
it
would.
told
needed
it
297
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
statement
prompt
WOMEN
later,
but
now
it
simply gets
in
the
way
of
action.
Past oriented
"I"
messages
counterreplies. Thus,
when
"I
it
himself
in
the
first
else,
anger.
for
in expressing
a private consultation
how
they
totally
un
Special topics
felt
position
the
in
person.
Interestingly enough, the
may find herself suddenly
woman
functioning as rescuer
from the role of per
coming
Because she devalues her own feelings and needs
and because her own self-worth hinges on helping others,
she overextends. She cuts into herself by loaning money
that she herself needs, by allowing someone to move
secutor.
limits.
Such
timely
tive feelings
give
me
member
usually prevents
reports to finish
questioned,
so
"I
feel
in
nega
a workshop
one
based on her
not be able
only have thirty
What
if
she
said,
'I
may
to
complete
minutes
left.'
exactly right. Had Yvette honored her own limits, she would
not have put herself under pressure. Like Yvette, each of
in
generating our
own negative
feelings.
The person
in
in-
299
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
less
As therapist-author
in
Shirley
proved
was
to be.
or
how
terrible
awful
300
situation
was
left
unchanged
Special topics
SUMMING UP
The examination of assertion through the structure of
victim, rescuer, and persecutor is intended to clarify in one
more way the process of assertion, a process that is ex
tremely simple once all the internal rules and obstacles are
cleared away yet extraordinarily complicated and complex
when seen through the filter of our past learning. Rules
like
at all" or
This has
fits
live
your own
life
in
the
manner
many women,
is
final
chapter.
301
for
power
14
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
Power, defined by
J.
French and
B.
Raven as "the
abilit
women
assertiveness, or
however,
falls short,
until
we
is, what
means, and how is related to self-assertion.
To understand power, we must first be aware that powei
has more than one source. In their article 'The Basis ol
Social Power," French and Raven define five sources ol
it
it
it
power:
1.
Reward power
thing that
is
the
power
to give or withhold
some
person.
2.
3.
4.
Referent power
position.
the
power
people give us
approve of us, or
that other
Expertise power
because
of
Power
it
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
women
and adapting
supposed to change.
them.
In return,
Her husband
will
to her. Hostilities
a woman's
life
melt away.
is
and
will
express affection
Once when
ence, a
was speaking
woman gave
of manipulation:
brother
"I
have a
sister-in-law
who
will
say to
my
soft,
My
answer,
"If
am
using dishonest
Power
flattery to
do,
am
someone
to
to
of
someone
little
direct
power
or control over
my own
life."
women use
that
direct
own
someone
else.
The
inhibition of direct
power
307
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
does
WOMEN
If
Johnny is bright, a great deal of
the mother's way. She is chosen to be
on committees; other mothers stop to speak to her. On the
and had sons
other hand, if her child isn't doing so well
or
recognition
comes
who
fell
her.
Look
into
both categories
all
at the
League game
recognition?
do anything by
It
is
herself."
ability to control
women have
all
status: decorator
furs.
Look
and influence
their
own
lives directly,
houses
at
in
any society
are frequently ornaments of male power, are defined by
the decorations they wear. As one society column notes,
was old-home-week
ton
Acceptance of personal
power causes women
to totally ignore any humanitarian considerations, such as
that beautiful wild animals are trapped and killed solely for
the purpose of female vanity.
Women's lack of direct power permeates all society.
Social custom alone puts men in a power position; he
drives the car, opens the door, handles the money. The
adornment as
308
their only
avenue
to
Power
effect of social
wno
custom
is in
many women
themselves
find
in
LEGITIMATE
POWER
Women
of
persons
in
of
Bird's figures
309
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
the last
WOMEN
article of
December
women awarded
graduate degrees
in
in
the
8,
U.S.
1980,
number
business adminis
legitimate
noted that sex bias complaints filed with the Equal Employ
ment Opportunities Commission increased from 3,497 in
all of 1970 to 22,110 during the first six months of 1975.
Women are beginning to use their legitimate muscle to
increase their legitimate power.
Still, more than forty percent of women workers remain
clustered in what Time terms "female ghettos," working
310
Power
manner
which men
power
of the
Organization for
in
in
failure in
this regard.
to the position of
it.'
is
in
311
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
illustrates
in Hall's
experiment
had any more legitimate power than any other person (all
through
their
personal inter
why women
in
feedback
women
failed
to
in
directors.
to Time,
there
are
companies
According
A
312
women seems
Power
to
be
be
Shawmut,
their ability to
assertive.
for
tion notes,
"We
is
my
all
argue
some
in
point to
are clearly not those descriptive of stereotypic femininity. Powerful women seem to exercise their
authority freely, to crave rather than fear success, and to
self-reliance
made
Such
seems
positive self-presentation
acteristic of powerful
to
my
efforts."
be a basic char
women. Representative
Shirley Chis-
in
power
was
actually
a work
clearly brought
my
of
all
at
the
shop
professional women,
management level
in their organizations. These women had all "made it" to
have. This
to
a few
influential,
them
attention
well paid,
in
and suc
comfortable with
their power. Most admitted that in introducing themselves
they rarely mentioned their positions. They took care not
of
felt fully
313
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
let
at
advertising."
"I
teller rather
The tendency
to play
down
one's accomplishments
was
same amount
all
are
of legitimate power.
We
students. However,
noticed that the men in the
class were not at all reluctant to assert their
competence
with statements like "I supervise a
thirty-person office"
or "I plan media on a $9 million account," whereas
and
the other women said very little. may be
imagining it, but
all
the professor
seems
to treat the
men
in
more
respect."
ANDROGYNY AS POWER
Phyllis Chesler,
commented
author of
that the
powerlessness. You
modern female
may
recall
condition
from our
earlier
woman who
is
is
has
one of
discussion
only
compas
314
Power
traits
of
as to state that nothing less than radical changes in childrearing practices will allow women to become as produc
tive and as creative as men.
In his book Power, Michael Korda acknowledges that
the largest visible group of people who do not have power
are women. Women find it difficult to acquire power, Korda
explains, because "power is essentially male." Power striv
own
typic masculinity to
a
to
women seem
to think so.
on "handling a situation
no feminine emotion,"
Some women
just like
pride themselves
a man" or on "showing
In
fact,
sively to her,
Women who
are caught
in
blame
atti
their lack of advancement on other people's negative
the
of
be
part
tudes toward women. This certainly may
of
lack
their
power
problem. However, a major factor in
315
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
comes from
WOMEN
their
own
empathy and
warmth
woman
to the
bound by
women need
com
and
made
not be
Louisville's Courier-Journal
masculine
in
and one
of Time's
Women
of
self-reliant
and warm,
Power
were
not.
kitten,
as well as those
group pressure.
jects
mand on
women
to
say "no"
to
an unrealistic de
their time.
task, feminine
women
In short,
felt
feminine
re
317
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
In fact,
We know
that
many women
in
assertive training
do
so.
The power
her
ability to
tise
power.
THE ANDROGYNOUS
WOMAN
situations that
causeJheTgain or"tojnter-
actiDtTSTha^
he1eSIs7reeToieavelForT^entertain herself.
a particular
relationship is destructive, she takgsjgare_pf herself by asenvironm^^
sirting"her limits If she cW\noTchd^
318
If
assertive
gullible
gentle
aggressive
yielding
objective
ambitious
childlike
to take
a stand
willing
strong
eager to soothe
hurt feelings
forceful
warm
a leader
cheerful
powerful
a non-user of
harsh language
nurturing
dominant
loyal
flatterable
analytical
dependent on others
concerned with
self achievement
a decision
athletic
maker
sensitive to others
a defender of beliefs
adventurous
compassionate
fond of children
independent
competitive
concerned with
my appearance
self reliant
softspoken
individualistic
sympathetic
self sufficient
understanding
affectionate
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
320
references
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
Anderson, Joyce,
ing
S,:
15-24.
Anderlin, Helen: Fascinating
tam Books, 1975.
Womanhood, New
York:
Ban
New
Bandura, A. and B. Perloff: "Relative Efficacy of SelfMonitored and Externally Imposed Reinforcement Sys
tems," Journal of Personality
111-116, 1967.
and
Social Psychology,
7,
New
Women: A Study of
Biocultural Conflicts, New York: Harper & Row, 1971.
"Battle of the Sexes," Special Report, U.S. News and World
Bardwick, Judith: The Psychology of
Report,
Women and
'Aid
Social Psychology,
322
3,
6-18, 1973.
References
Berne,
1964.
Games People
Eric:
Bird, Caroline:
Play,
New
York:
Grove Press
H.:
"The Language
of Sexism,"
ETC, Septem
Broverman, Inge K., Donald M. Broverman, Frank E. Clarkson, Paul S. Rosenkrantz, and Susan R. Vogel: "Sex-Role
Stereotypes and Clinical Judgments of Mental Health,'
Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 34, 1-7,
1970.
Women and
Not
to
the
Butler, Robert:
Robert Butler,"
in
Your
Communicate
Life,
New
with
York: Stein
De
Beauvoir,
Parchley
S.:
(trans.),
New
City,
NY:
edition, H. H.
Ellis,
Albert:
in
Psychotherapy,
New
323
WOMEN
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
New
Fast, Julius:
Fensterheim,
Stein
New
York:
Foder,
for
H.:
Iris:
Treatment,"
in
New
Burtle (eds.),
Women
in
Women:
Implications
J. R. R.
and
D. Cartwright (ed.),
Group Dynamics,
& Row,
1968.
Housewife,"
Atlantic,
Economics
of the
American
New
York:
Wyden, 1970.
Hall,
K.:
"Sex Differences
in
Initiation
and Influence
in
& Row,
Thomas:
I'm
New
York: Harper
1967.
New
"Fail:
Bright
324
Human
Growth,
New
York:
References
Ibsen, Henrik:
Doll's
House, Henry
L.
Mencken
(trans.),
Company, 1909.
B.:
Karpman, Stephen
"Fairy Tale
and
Script
Drama Analy
in
Women
York:
Random House,
1975.
Knox,
to
New
D.:
1971.
Sex,
J. E,
in
Fairchild (ed.),
Wives,"
New
in
Women,
York: Fawcett,
1962.
Lazarus, A.: Behavior Therapy
McGraw-Hill, 1971.
York:
K.
M. Mitchell
Shirley:
Maccoby,
E.
and C.
Jacklin:
Mahoney, M. and
C. Thorensen: Self-Control:
Power
to
and
Human
Sexual Inadequacy,
Little,
Brown, 1970.
325
SELF-ASSERTION FOR
WOMEN
New
York: Harper
& Row,
"Some Conditions
to Authority,"
Human
of
1970.
New
York: Har
&Row,
O'Neill,
New
York: Harper
1972.
York: Evans
Rimm,
D. C.
and
tional Arousal,"
S. Litvak: "Self-Verbalization
and Emo
187, 1969.
Mifflin,
1959.
Salter,
New
York:
326
References
P.:
Say No,
Feel
Guilty,
New
York: Dial
New
and
Treatment
for Marital
Clinical Psychology,
Tresemer,
in
pp. 58-68.
Techniques:
York:
A Guide
to the
Treatment of Neuroses,
New
Inhibition,
New
York: Per-
327
328
index
Accomplishments, underplaying one's
313-14
Acknowledgment: and checking out
one's perceptions, 256-57;
hindered by rescuing, 252; of
messages
in
intimate relationships,
Anger
39-42, 52;
42-50, 52
Annon, Jack, 265, 322
Anxiety: accompanying positive selfpresentation, 266; and assertion of
sexual feelings, 265; and expression
of anger, 132, 144-47; facial
expression used to reduce, 1 09;
minimizing, by making excuses, 175;
Analysis: assertive,
influence, 39,
05
influence analysis, 52
Assertion: vs. aggression, 123-49
(see
a/so Aggression);
catastrophizing as
block to, 64-66, 67; as characteristic
of women
executives,
312-13; and
and spontaneous,
78-102
level of,
'
of);
and keeping to
own agenda, 220-24;
minimizing, 211, 217-26; names
used to minimize, 217-1 9; and need
one's
to assert credentials,
224-26; and
positive self-presentation,
226-35
215- 1 7;
self-
219-20
Awareness: developing, 39-50,
70-71; lack of, 38-39; not sufficient
to bring about change, 81
329
INDEX
Althea,
241-43;
and receiving messages, 250-57;
and sending messages, 243-50
235-36
Complain-countercomplain pattern,
278-79
Conditioned Reflex Therapy, 93
Congruence of verbal and nonverbal
277-78;
47-48
patterns,
Behavioral instruction:
in
connection, 270-74;
a female-male
limit
setting as,
13-14, 158-60
279-81;
268-79; and
self-initiation in,
setting limits
in
the,
Problems, 265
Behavior Therapy and Beyond, 190,
258
Bern, Sandra, 4,
6,
317,322
Bern-Sex Role Inventory, 204, 279,
316-17
Berne, Eric, 134,323
Bird, Caroline, 309, 323
121
220, 223,
323
305, 323
323
323
,
192-93; preposterous
vs.
realistic,
muscle,
140-41, 163-67
Credentials, need to assert, 224-26
Criticism, 183-201; accepting, 186,
187-89; and centering approach,
200-201; and delaying tactic used
against, 199-200; disagreeing with,
186, 189-96; fear of, 184-85; and
fogging tactic used against, 1 98- 99;
323
assertion,
270-74;
Delaying as
way
to
handle
44-45
criticism,
199-200
as
self-
280
Centering approach, 200-201
Chesler,
25, 26, 33, 314, 323
Phyllis,
Chisolm, Shirley, 313
Client-Centered Therapy, 251
obstacle to
self-initiation,
criticism,
due
to nonrecognition,
successful women,
39- 30;
men, 27-28
Directness: and assertion
of
women
vs.
vs.
95-102
330
31-32;
32-34; of
INDEX
23
Doll's
323
100-102
pitfall to
women,
Executives,
avoid, 175-76
characteristics of,
312-13
response,
154-56, 243
Eye contact, 104, 105-108, 120; and
active looking, 107-108; avoiding
direct, 105-106; vs. staring,
106-107; using direct, without
anxiety, 144
108-111, 112,
120-21; maintaining a firm, to
express anger, 144; and stereotypic
feminine role, 108-109; used to
reduce anxiety, 1 09
Fast, Julius,
108,324
Feedback,
positive, accepting, 11
(see also
effect
33
33
21, 324
304, 307, 324
F.
Scott,
Fitzgerald, Zelda,
Fodor,
French,
Iris,
J.,
Fogging: as a
47
20-34
spontaneity, 94-95
External emotional response vs.
Womanhood, 5-6
of,
Fascinating
Sexual intimacy
Feminine qualities, danger of
developing only, 25-26
Femininity, traditional, 1-17; vs.
androgyny, 317-18; aspects worth
keeping, 11-12; complying with,
internal emotional
limits,
300; cost
depression, 31
Energy, nonproductive expenditure
Excuses, as
examine
41
way to handle
198-99; used
agenda, 222
Full picture,
for
criticism,
giving a,
87-89
for, 293;
avoiding victimization when, 293,
and saying no, 294-95
331
INDEX
324
Thomas,
213
Job advertisement, sex-biased,
Jacklin, Carol,
Harris,
324
324
73, 125,
213-14
and promotion
changes in, 310
Hiring
91-93, 95-102
98-100
"I"
125-26
self-
Self-
requirements, setting;
Catastrophizing; Self-punishment
Internal emotional response vs.
external emotional response,
154-56,243
Intimacy: emotional, 258; levels of,
Enemy, The, 94
148-49, 156-58, 177
290
Irritations, reinforcing,
relationships,
214-15
332
in
1.
166-67
313
avoiding,
intimate
243-50; power
of,
female, 20,
238-39
153-54; individuality
of, 153; partial, 160, 162-63, 296;
signaled by feelings, 154-56. See
13-14, 151-81; as
not, 23;
84-85;
Intrusiveness,
172-73
want": messages
go
309-1
assertion,
205
82-83, 106,
vs. male,
direct assertive,
Language:
Letting
Internal dialogue,
241-43
"I
structure,
247-49
"I'm Okay, You're Okay, 73,
231-35
unnecessarily,
interview,
Judgmental
practices,
messages,
Job
in
163-67;
162-63;
172-81;
via partial
pitfalls to
limits, 160,
avoid when,
relation of, to
feeling, 14;
negative
INDEX
vs. self-initiation,
See
1 5;
also Limits
Litvak, S.,
of, 138-44;
consequences of using, 1 40-41 and
in
power, 315-16; using appropriate,
intimate relationships, 249-50, 251;
;
67
Muscle, levels
325
291-92; using,
163-67
Macoby, Eleanor, 213
Madsen, C. K, 248
Mahoney, Michael, 66, 325
Marriage Happiness: A Behavioral
Approach, 245-47, 263
Names, used
the, 262;
and the
minimize authority,
11-12; defying
to
217-19
intensity of,
125-28; difficulty
3, 6, 12-13, 39-40, 41,
83; evoked by drama triangle, 301
expressing, assertively, 132-48;
expressing, directly, 83, 84, 136-37;
expressing, via graduated approach,
145-46; expressing, indirectly, 12;
expressing, within a sexual
relationship, 263-65; expression of,
passivity,
expressing,
297-98;
Neurosis and
self-
in
240; verbal,
77-102
(see a/so
168-69
Milford, Nancy, 33, 326
Milgram, Stanley, 154-55, 277
Misunderstandings, avoiding, 95-96
Meta-level
limits,
160,
287;
and
and rescuing,
self-victimization, 286,
287-89
Moran,
Juliette,
5,
Growth,
92-93
for,
limits,
38, 39; in
223-24
117-19
O'Neill,
O'Neill,
Open
George, 241,326
Nena, 241,326
Marriage,
Oppenheimer,
241-42
V. K.,
205, 326
313
Morgan, Mirabel,
Human
sending,
receiving,
positive
acknowledgment, 256
333
INDEX
Perls, Fritz,
107
296-99;
for,
vs. assertion,
reasonable, 173-75
Pleasure Bond, The, 262
and pressure
to
conform
stereotypic feminine
role,
205
1 1
pitfall
to
176-78
Reasonableness, as
to
avoid,
pitfall
to avoid,
173-75
Rape, as power, 305
Raven, B., 304, 307
Referent power, 304, 305, 31
women's
Power
- 1 4,
31 5;
vs. men's,
152
Relationships, female-male,
Communication,
setting limits
intimate); difficulty of
268; long-term,
sexual intimacy, 257-66
in,
271-73; and
274-76; unequal,
273-74
Rescuing: as a hindrance to
acknowledgment, 252; and money,
287; and persecution, 299; as pitfall to
avoid, 178-81; position as
role,
304, 315;
356-66;
62-64, 65
326
Rogers, Carl, 251,326
Roth, M., 27, 326
Rimm, D. C.
67,
homemakers, 29
Practice expressing anger,
need
for,
145-48
women
in,
309-310
334
Self-affirmation,
meeting criticism
with,
193-96
203-36; and
1
21 5-26;
success, 211-15; and
woman,
the,
exercise of authority, 21
and
Scott, Jeri, 21
Prestigious positions,
Professional
Salter,
fear of
50-55; benefits
of,
284; internal'
dialogue as obstacle
to,
58-75;
INDEX
Self-criticism:
as part
for,
69.
See
289-90
of setting limits,
156-58
15-17; and active looking,
281; catastrophizing as barrier to, 280;
and direct statements, 83, 84; effect of
Self-initiation,
278;
in
104-105, 109-10
327
female-male relationships, 3, 6,
10-11; and self-introduction, 282;
programming
men's,
against, 16;
used
to
women's
15-16
Self-introduction:
and
self-initiating,
282;
and asserting
225; and direct
Self-labeling, negative:
one's credentials,
69
Self-minimizing,
in
Self-observation,
22831
70-71
226-35;
anxiety accompanying, 226; and the
job interview, 231-35; and nonverbal
messages, 231; and personal
participation, 229, 230-33; and
tendency toward self-minimization,
228-31; and verbal messages, 231
Self-reward, lack of, 66, 68
Self-support, developing, 69- 75
Self-presentation, positive,
supportive,
71-75
Seligman, Martin, 28, 29, 327
Smiles, insincere,
in
in,
327
310; vs.
in,
vs.
the,
aggression,
assertion
24; avoiding
and
Steinem, Gloria, 54
Steinmann, Anne, 30, 327
of discarding
one's agenda, 223
Success: and depression, 29-30; fear
of, 211-15, 231; and indirect
gratification, 30; and sex- role
skills,
213-14
292
Sutton, Carol 31 6
Important Person
Thoreson, Carl, 66
in
Your
Life,
294
134-35
335
INDEX
Widow, 30
289-90
harassment)
Voice, tone of, 104, 111, 113, 121
Voice volume, 1 04, 1 1 3- 1 6, 1 21
;
stereotypical feminine
role,
336
and
114-15
fa
102908