SELF WORTH &

BEING OUR AUTHENTIC SELVES

The dictionary defines authentic as real, genuine, true, trustworthy
The two words that authentic was originally formed from mean self and being.

How do we become our authentic selves?

In order to be authentic we cannot use other people to define who we are and fulfil us. By
recognizing our true value, we have the choice to stop neglecting and mistreating ourselves.
To be true to ourselves, we look inside ourselves to find our answers and we turn to our
Higher Power. By trusting that we will be taken care of, we begin to heal. At this point, we
begin to know a new level of serenity. We discover within ourselves a sense of security and
self-worth not bound by anyone elses opinion of us. As we continue to share at meetings,
talk with others in the program and gain insights from our Fourth Step inventory, we cannot
help but become more authentic.
This quote from the CoDA Welcome is helpful:
We attempted to use others our mates, friends and even our children as our sole
source of identity, value and well-being and as a way of trying to restore within us the
emotional losses from our childhoods.
Had we repeatedly sought out relationships to boost our egos, to confirm our identities, and
to make us feel good about ourselves?
CoDA Booklet: Common Threads of Codependency page 20-21

What does being authentic mean to me?

It means pushing through the fear and saying whats on my mind, being direct
instead of being manipulative.

I come to realise that I really cant please everyone, and I cannot expect everyone to
like me. As long as my behaviors are consistent with my thoughts and feelings, I am

Being authentic means being my self as fully and clearly as possible, knowing and
expressing my feelings, handling issues with serenity and grace.

Not attempting to exert power over other people or wishing another person would
change so I could be happy. Being aware of passive attempts to control, such as being
a martyr, inducing guilt, manipulating others, or allowing others to mistreat us.

Authenticity isnt about being perfect or not having feelings. Its about balance and
sanity in my relationships and my life. Its about using the Steps and Traditions as the
guiding principles in all my affairs.
Adapted from CoDA Booklet: Common Threads of Codependency page 20-21

Codependent Relationships vs Authentic Relationship

As we continue on our paths of recovery from codependence, we learn to differentiate
between unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships and authentic relationships.
Being codependents, sometimes the only way to feel in control of our lives was by
controlling others. A safe relationship / friendship encourages enough room for the
individuals to take their time to grow slowly, not shame or manipulate each other into doing
what only one wants, and the willingness to negotiate differences. A relationship marked by
a rigid set of rules, demanded by either party, could signal actively unhealthy dysfunctional
behaviour.
A healthier relationship is one not shrouded in secrecy or shadows. In CoDA recovery we are
learning to come out of hiding from others shameful behaviour and to own and take
responsibility for our individual actions. In a healthy relationship there will be no need for
secrecy in the relationship or about the relationship. If there is secrecy there could be a
hidden agenda.
Our goal to ultimately sustain a healthy relationship includes building a friendship first,
keeping a promising relationship moving forward, retaining our identity, boundaries and
values and learning to share with another person.
Adapted from Pages 24-25 Peeling The Onion CoDA Booklet
& Page 59 Newcomers Handbook May 2001 Ed Hitting on Newcomers

Equality in Relationships
A certain sense of hero worship while growing up may be understandable, but I continued
this into adulthood and saw nothing wrong with putting people on pedestals - my parents,
my teachers, my boss, my therapist and trying to get them to be God. I thought if I worked
hard enough and accomplished enough, theyd have to love me or at least admire and
respect me.
But no amount of external validation was ever enough. Disillusionment and disappointment
always set in because these people were only human. My expectations of them were unfair
and made sure it was impossible for me to have a real relationship with any of them. I have
learned that it is no one elses job to make me feel good about myself.
Adapted from CoDA Daily Meditations page 188

THEN and NOW

Then, I put on a faade to gain your approval. I believed if you knew the real me you would
reject me. Now, Im willing to show you the real me.
Then, I quickly became enmeshed in your life. The more indispensable I was to you, the
more secure I felt. Now, I remain my own person. By practicing healthy boundaries, and
expressing my needs directly I avoid being engulfed by you.
Then, I was uncomfortable if you didnt approve of what I was doing, wearing or saying.
Now, Im OK with myself, character defects and all. I love and accept myself as I am.
Adapted frorm Pages 24-25 Peeling The Onion CoDA Booklet

FOR REFLECTION TIME

It is unlikely that any single human relationship will ever meet all of my wants and needs.
Accepting this idea brings some peace of mind and a feeling of gratitude
CoDA Sponsorship booklet Page 35

o Where did I learn it was safer to pretend to be something other than myself?
o Did working the Fourth and Fifth Steps helps me start to identify who I am and
who I want to be?
o Are their ways I wish I could be more authentically myself in my current
friendships?
o How do I make it easier for other people in my life to be their authentic selves?
o What will it take for me to let myself be me? What stops me? Do I want to
reveal my whole self in all situations?
o What part does presence play in being authentic?

Somewhere between codependence and an independence, that I made into isolation, is a

position I call interdependence. This is depending on each other and being dependable.
Nurturing, encouraging, loving and respecting each other - without keeping score.

AFFIRMATIONS
I open myself today to receive love and when I do, I can love others
What matters most is that I am honest with myself.
I am no longer defined or controlled by anyone else - In This Moment I choose who I am
When I enter into a relationship without fear and insecurity, I am free to be my lovable self.
Page 189 CoDA Daily Meditations

When I loved myself enough I became my own authority by listening to the

wisdom of my heart. This is how God speaks to me. This is intuition.

In This Moment I am whole.

I am one with the universe. I am a complete being. I reach to connect with my Higher Power.
I wish to know my souls aspirations. I feel strength from within to heal from within. I know
another human being or anothers opinion of me will not complete me.
I am whole. I am worthy of love.
Page 135 CoDA Daily Meditations Book