| |/DRIVE- : , (ez) ra 7 ad al oo = a % | ; : fo »))a(R i aie Re NUMBER Cleese nomen) TWELVE GARBAGE... AND NEW [| - GARBAGE...IN THE SUSE aL AeNUMBER 165 MARCH 1974 VITAL FEATURES “A Supermarket is where you spend half an hour hunting for instant coffee!”—Alfred E. Neuman 8 “JAMES: BOMB" : : BOMB WILLIAMM. GAINES publisher ALBERTB, FELDSTEIN editor MOVIES JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors TACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON, (CURTIS ANDERSON, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ALLEY BE PRAISED DEPARTMENT The MAD Bowling Primer .... 13 AND THE BOND PLAYED ON DEPARTMENT 8 “James Bomb” Bomb Movies .. 4 BERG’S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT Mab: The Lighter Side Of Gold Weather % 18 SEGDELETO DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT FAMOUS (One Dark Night In A Laboratory . . 23 POEMS ‘One Night In A Police Station 42 Pg. 26 HOP, SKIP AND SQUISH DEPARTMENT Unavoidable Exercises For The City Dweller 40 HYPOCRITICAL OAFS DEPARTMENT MAD Visits The “Realistic School Of Medicine” 95 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 99 LETTERS DEPARTMENT You Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ne ipOSTEnS MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ““Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones .........+ NEVER TRUST A SHOW ABOUT THE '30'S DEPARTMENT “The Dulitons" (A MAD TV Show Satire) .... 43 ‘OUT, DAMNED DESPOT DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Look At Tyrants 5 16 UNAVOIDABLE ‘SON OF “ROSES ARE RED” DEPARTMENT [ea MAD Sequels To Famous Pooms Ms ring B20 oun ‘STRETCHING A POINT DEPARTMENT Po. 40 '| Want You" Posters Starring Today's Celebrities 92 WINDSHIELD WEEPERS DEPARTMENT Sure-Fire Ticket Deterrents .... 24 *=Varlous Places Around The Magazine “THE DULLTONS” (AMAD TV ‘SATIRE) Pg. 43ARE YOU FILLED WITH SHELF HATE? PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— ‘OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75¢ EACH use coupon or duplicate~ MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: 1 The Bedeide MaD 5 ow mag Steps ot Ey Snot wa ow MARTIN sources Back [5] he Organization MAD) DOW MARTIN Drops 13 Storie Chea {o's Cantina The lds of wad) DOW ARTI cont reste nh BOM WARN Cones On stone Meus Fier 2 BON MARTIN Garis Op 3 iain crt ve estos tthe US 1 Mieveoee mao Gave een Lacs Peni Hy resyamo'sutr Gave Ben Laces The 1 Teerieewaa™ 5 DAVE BERG scern Yang SatedewAD 5] DAVE eRe Our Se Weis, Theuaosonper ] DAVEEERG Lnieot Ue £5 Me erste mao The te SP SPY Raving Mao 5 $P¥ 5. 2¥ Fon Up rie 5 toting ta Hy Sri Dero SP ws sPv 5 diestenalewno Rian opt aves ©] Horine no Ey ton ofan es H{elndzetse man) anvenrsite Ey Bung a ALINE sap aeons fot fd FH The Mab tote ape Monies Mat Hore Ae Sap Theverabemo 1 Kosne’s ie a Pore £5 dines va abet wa Teoviyoauao 1 Apne: Mab Yus Hp Pavorarursta tao MAB or tr of ose H theteocie tno’ SnAg ith ta TeNenvsertman Fat ant Spars H teetom uo” ik art power te renan J ENCLOSE 75c FOR EACH NAME. ADDRESS. city Sv ATE Szieanee ine ei heck or Maney Sane prota «EL MAD Cad te Grave Primer LETTERS DEPT. ‘MALICE IN WONDERLAND Lou Silverstone’s selection of Lewis Carzoll’s work as an exponent of che de termining agents and factors of Water. gate is sublime. Carroll, as a9 English mathematician and lectarer, 3b well 1s an author, wrote “An Blementary. Treatise (On Determinants," but I doubs hat even his genius could figure ove the m plicity of the Watergate insolvables Arthur Greenwald Yale Universi New Haven, Conn I never really understood Watergate ‘you compared if with appropriate quotations from “Alice In Wonderland, Thanks! Roger Miller Bergenfield, NJ. rone’s and Clarke's “Malice In Wonderland” sure made me stop and think of whac a circus Watergate has be comme, Such suitable quotes! Polli Scartevant Paris, France Malice in Wonderland” or “Water. ‘gate—Through The Looking Glass” isthe fatest evidence of MAD's uncanny 1 ception of our life and times, es the Nikon court docs not thin mortal enough to pay attention t0 the people it supposedly. serves, Everyone should have the attitude toward life and politics thar you guys do. Congratslacions to Lou Silverstone and Bob Claske, Lewis Caroll would applaud their writing and art insight Willard M. Dix Amherst College ‘Amherst, Mass LEAST HORIZON 1 thought your satire of "Lose Horizon’ was great! I'm presently reading the novel version of it in Eoglish Class, I showed the Arnie Kogen-Angelo Tortes triumph {fo my teacher and now she wants 10 con duct a lesson on it. I never thought Ta see the day «hae MAD would become an cducationdl aid, Doug McDonald Thorndale, Ontario Canada ‘You mentioned that the millon-dollar remake of Shangri-la looked like a bad taste Miami Beach Hotel. 1 didn know there was anosber Kind of Miaini Beach Hoel! Surah Giddings Paramus, NJ [ALFRED IN THE AIR FORCE ‘Thought you'd be interested in the ap: pearance of one of Alfred E Newman's Ancestors on an Army C-47. The ploto- aph was taken by my father, Lyle 8. , during the early 1940's, atthe wgerstown, Mayland, airport factory of Fairchild Aircraft, No information a8 to whether i¢ was a good luck plane or not is available at ths time, Incidentally, 1 fist begin to enjoy teadiog MAD when Iwas in the Air Force during 1955-58. Kent A. Mitchell Hagerstowa, Mi, We'd oppreciate hearing from any World War Two veterans who flew, maintained of loaded! Alfred &. Nevman’s Army C-47.—Ed STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE: MENT AND CIRCULATION (Act of Auguet 12, 1970: Section 9685. Title 19. United States Code) 1 Tile of Publication: MAD. 2. Dat of Filing: Get 1, 1973. 3. Frequency of Issue Monthly excopt Fab. May, August, and Nov. 4. Location of Known Office of Pubiestion 485 MADison Avenue NYC 10022. 5 Location ofthe Headquarters or General Business OF fees of the Publishers: 485 UADison Avenue NYC 10022. 6, Namoe and Addresses of Pub- laher, falter, and. Managing. Eltor: Pub lisher. Willam MM, Gaines485 MADieon ‘Avenuo NYG 10022; Editor: Albert 8, Fele Sstein—405 MADison Avenue NYC 10022 Managing Eaitor: None. 7. Oumor (1! owned Dy @ corporation, its namo and addrese must bo sated and also immediatly thereunder ning oF holding 1 percent or more of total amount of stock) E. C. Publications, Inc. 485. MADison Avonue NYC. 10022 wholly ouned by Warner Communications, Inc & Publicly held corporation—75. Recketlior Plaza NYC 10022. 8. Koown Eonaholaers, Mortoagaes, and Oiner Securty Holders Own. Ing or Holaing 1 Percont or More of Total ‘Amount Of Bonds, Mrtsazes or Othar Secu rites: None. 9. For Optional Completion by Publishers Malling at tho Regular Rates [Sootion 192.121, Poste! Sonica Manual) | hereby request permission to mail the pub- Nication named in item 1 at the reduces Postage rates presently authorized by 39 Us.c. 3625 Wiliam M. Gaines, PublisherA MAD LOOK AT KARATE Having just finished reading Sergio Amagoness "A MAD Look At Karate, and being a Shoria-Ryw style bele holder, Teould enjoy the inherent humor of ic [Las so confident after eading i, 1 went right out and tried to get mugged! ‘David Merriman Albuquerque, NM, Sergio’: "Karare” proves he's as twhacked-ont as the rest of you idiots! Salvatore Celeste Peabody, Mass. Don Martin was, i and probably will always be the finest conteibutor to. your ‘magazine, but that fend Aragones keeps running a hard race “James Cunningham ‘Oklahoma City, Obl THE CLODS OF “44 Reading "The Clods Of "44" reminded ime of the good old days... like before chis issue hit the stands! Jim Barnes Far Rockaway, NY. 1 liked "Clods" by Sean Hace and More Drucker. rs amazing how Mort can make people kiss and talk atthe same time Gina Bynum Torrance, Calif. LIGHTER SIDE OF CORRUPTION I culy enjoyed Berg's “Lighter Side Of Corruption." So did my bookie Tim Berg neglected to mention the most corrupting influence of all. Its calle MAD Magazine Nancy Lee Beary South Houston, Texas MAD IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD Your #163 cover that says MAD is « fourletwr word should have been fre leters... TASH. Martin Polite Louisville, Ky. leave Address All Correspondence Tor MAD, Dept. 165, 485 MADIson Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 2881,677] 3,021,000 1,958,408] 2.887.382 & WHY KILL YOURSELF? LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! .~- se coupon or duplicate ———. MAD 485 MADison Avenue NAME. New York, N.Y. 10022 ree | enclose $7.00*, Enter my mame on CITY... your subscription list, and mail me STATE. the next 19 issues of MAD Magazine, ZIP CODE, eb Inermtions Meany Oder or Check awn on 2 USA" pant, Gasce te Usa. ana cana, $418, papete by Ilr Money Orr Check dri os's S.A: Bank, Alow 10 wei for sunsetin to be broveaed We canna be Zasie77] 3700 T eeviy that the statomonte made by me above ave correct and. com ‘wala Mt ine, Publisher ioa,ra8| 98,360 SednSbie tor cask eat or soln Inthe mal, so GREEK” OF MONEY ONDER PREFERRED! 7.089.236) _7494,338 5 5 Yep, wr running out of he enarey necessary wit sever ads for these flkeclor land thats eenting #135 you's keto orser Tua, 485 Wabison Ave. New York, MY. 10022AND THE BOND PLAYS ON DEPT. ALTHOUGH THE STARS KEEP CHANGING, “JAMES BOMB” MOVIES GO ON FOREVER! AND SO, MAD TURNS ITS 8 ‘JAMES BOMB YES, NOSTALGIA FANS! REMEMBER YEARS AGO, WHEN THE “JAMES BOMB” 44 DR NO-N a TSS TUL) RSC my : Waiter, St Then have ay ————— Hmm Ten) l 3 a Martnl.:-6 pete rm Pa) avere | gent with the incredible || likea |} very gin, 1 part vermouth, kntwrecge otworen,tova, || Chateew | |sony| |‘Cdash of mers Tniepcasireney (A Nevis, (iM sit IMM snskec perc ots undeesandinet he ean | |we're| | feo, Novstireds=” mot only tellyou te al" al] sndstramedintos [i vineyard and year but | out | | tere cocitan iss | tise fhe name o she ga ot sina stomped the gages! fy tact! |_| wine =e Zest WW MN |i)! —_— uy] iN ! = = ay LEN asa ow budgets! suave! He's movies were ruthless made on very yetBr fa ISATIRICAL SPOTLIGHT ON THIS BOX OFFICE PHENOMENON, AND BRINGS ITS READERS UP TO DATE ON... AMAD RETROSPECT ...WITH NO RESPECT [Worsenttorme. Si? FOTEOIRE| [ve] [Good Ti Pea} Hew BECAUSE, | ee mysteriously! | Ineed are || Yes— and || I'mawoman.. nm ‘the girl in care! ARE aman! MN Don't sweat That ‘same thing happened to “Ths s the Tits Wednesday - the Doctors island of the [JT]. day off He's taking time out mentor cresinal | fers raining toruriogand Hilt Honey -—=——$———""Actually. in real Roper. one | [Wrong] J, life. ' Ursula of the exciting | | “TWO lUndress, and except new discoveries | | of the for this part, my you'llbe seeing | | exciting | | acting career has Dr. No-No! killing to relax and play golf! in these James new Seen aig nothingt | ‘Bomb films! | |giscoveries!meet! | am Doctor, Bomb! 1am cell, crawled through a flooded ventilator shaft, ran Dr. No-No! 2 Scientist! A MAD through fire, throttied forty of my guards, sipped ee B Scientist, who plans into a disguise undetected, blew up my laboratory and saved the Free World, but you are now throwing me ‘my death! How do you manage to DO all these things At last we ‘You like my’ ‘am not a Medical eS 3 not only escaped from a foolproof ights on / [tn your frst fim, we introduced SEX! Now, in this next ‘a concealed knife 2 tear gas cannister, agrenade, and an | | prefer sex ‘an emergency! | 10 gadgets! | choice! You sresetecting [rea report | | “onttertor Training Camp! And james Bomb | | Youseert heal 1 this is our most cause Spectre| | ALSO have Turkey, | ke sstanbul ||| romising student! lems? | | prob [Le som | ww Watergate! Az sper ar [strange you with [Not before 1 fy "Hust ‘ the wire device | Killyou with 7 noes lit encased in my my exploding ier Ae lethal vatch! |) attaché cas M4 Sere [a ee : : JH “polashes to shrewd villain in my OLDFINGERBOW Mr. Goldfingerbow, this is = But before James Bombl'm afraid your] | sencilla are ‘sexy blonde spotter finds me} | your last | | have done that! James | | ferocious temper [Paabion, tip your atta tf Bs pion cee When ne realy | | gots angry. you | |'Should see the | terrioie things he does with his UNDERWEAR! TThate to do this, Chum, b ‘What gadgets on this Aston Martin! |The smoke sereen, the oil sick, the i ‘machine the ejector only getsYi becoming a nuisance, alk, al —— Bond! Tell me what you know rigntlandifthe | tushy | [You force a eee {about “Oper Galore, | _|me to beat because people are walking ——— andim| | youup, = outof theaters allover the world FL tudo | | Tushy’ | | talking about YOUR name, not MINE expert! | | _caioret | | Seethat bunaingtl "No, Right theres the biggest gold supply inthe Free World!) a Fort Knox?! the offices of Crocioli and Saltzpet the Producers... wo are making a mint ripping off the publie with ludierous movies ike this one! ‘gold supply stored in Fort Knox, and turn the ‘American economy int lcomplete and utter chaos! it [and that's my plan, Knox ¢ | Bomb wil destroy the through Phase IV Price Control Programs?” You ‘want chaos ... THAT'S chaos! aa Please! [) No, the Not yet! Enough! || shock Nextis ut of this, | |Enought || | rather probably Oddbiobt ket the most That's one |/——— through the next few || spectacular, | fof my || Enough Pictures, because | | but probably weurrent” || electric we're starting | [the DULLEST iokes! fone of all— aes | aBomb! ieame fim eve PME under water! Biothe Bahamas fig ther! [IE I've heara to track down of making In this VU AM (=p p= iil’ Sonere's your supply —= astolen Army "=! Good! JM iove ona HT Seimlarceeeets [Tearaarsu) | Sontwsre | | Bomberonds [Lets waterbed, Sectbetunrvetn tong | | Cutthatsttt | | Stree tim | | fewmissing p | make A butthisis I} renades attached. a | |nundred pounds! | arethe lavish atom bombs! || love! || ridiculous! If} eeicer counter disguised | |""Resoon act | setsanatne | MR ac Te PAlssscameresa motorsed || patton | | special effects! (back pac tht as ves | Sink straight | | We don’t really 1) explosive spears, and tothe bottom! | | need you at all! ae That James Bond may be Wal, James, you finally 2 briliant Agent cn land killed the villain Lard recovered the two missing tom bombs, smashed th Spectre operation, and 0 it, LIVE NICE” You have been chosen ‘rom among. all of they will have to to be the new replace me with James Bomb in ‘another “Super Star" Tike @ Richard Burton... ora Paul Newman. .- ora Steve McQueen. ..or3 Blowhard ... blown up his iy Ja voleano sironghold career as an Actor! ‘seduced all his female Twill NEVER play , James Bomb again! Twant to pursue my“ON HIS MAJESTY'S SECRET SW UU t So[You're adead man, Bombt ina | few minutes, you'l be torn to pieces! Would you believe that | ery alligator tore off my arm? (ers raat ayiam| s sounds ———— {Uggh! Ooott! Youyou've For the Secret Agents we Whatdo the Tarot! Greovyi what eee do they tol you? LIT think wae Cards tell you es in big, jabout him, Canesta?| | They tell me that President Nixon =———— | ie not know about W The cards tellme that he willeause [7] ‘overpowered me, Sombt killed? For subjecting What a cultural switch! pal BE your prtriena tothe. |AWhite Man beating up a fl sweet [MI pain of Voodoo torture? 1k in 2 modern fim! =ALLEY BE PRAISED DEPT. Now that the war in Vietnam is finally over... here is a Primer on Bowling. And if you think thi ridiculous i a MAD article you've ever read, waitll you read the article! Anyway, here's... See the man, See him drink some beer. See him write down a score. See him drink some more beer. See him write another score. See him drink some more beer. See him walk to the foul line, See him roll a ball See him walk back and drink some more bee! Intwenty minutes, he will roll another ball Why does the man bowl? For the exercise! You use alot of muscles Lifting beer glasses all night! ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL CHAPTER 2. Sce the man getting ready to bow! He is renting Bowling Shoes. He bowls three or four times a week, ‘Now look at the owner behind the counter. Isn'the a financial wizard? He is even smarter than Howard Hughes. Why is he so brilliant? We'll tell you. Can you think of anyone else Who can get you to spend over $50: For a pair of dirty sneakers you don'teven own?!‘Most bowling alleys are automated. Incase you get into trouble, All you have to do is push a button, Shall we explain the buttons to you? the button on the left is the“! Itsolves the problem of fallen pins in the alley. ‘The button in the center is th Itsolves the problems not cov CHAPTER 3. ‘Mechanic Button,” ed by the “Reset Button.” ‘The button on the right is the "Service Button.’ It brings the waitress with the booze. Tt won't necessarily help you with your bowling. But it will help you for the biggest problem of all, Namely, that the other two buttons never work! See the gis. ‘They are having troubl They don't know how to keep score, Ha, ha, ha, silly girls, Itis very easy to keep score in bowling, Would you like tole CHAPTER 4, Let us teach you some “Bowling Language.” Ifyou knock over ten pins with one ball, That is a STRIKE, Ifyou knock over ten pins with two balls, ‘That isa SPARE. If you knock over, say, five pins with the first bal, And three pins with the second ball, Thatis an EIGHT. Ifyou send the ball off the alley So it knocks over no pins at all Thatis a % *&eS#@ #5% ! Now you know where the expression “Gutier Language” comes from! CHAPTER 5. Okay, in the first frame, enter the amount of pins You knock over with both balls inthe first inning, Unless you get a “Spare.” ‘A “Spare” is 10, plus what you get on your next bal, Which you enter in the first frame, And add to it the total you knock over With both balls in the second inning, Which you enter in the second frame, Unless you bowl another “Spa In which case, you repeat the procedure, Except if you bow! a “Strike” in the first inning, In which case, you have 10, Plus what you get with your next two balls, Unless the first ball of the second inning is also aS In which case, you have 20, But you have to wait for the third inning ‘To find out what you knock over with your third ball, In order to add it to the 20, and enter it in the first frame, And then add the second inning’s 10 to that, Plus what you get with your third and fourth balls, ‘And enter that in the second frame, Unless your fourth ball isa “Strike” at the procedure, Exceptif you bow! a “Spare” or a “Strike” in the 10th frame, In which case, you kill yourself! Now, would you like to learn about the blue lines in Hockey? trike”,