The Guides (excerpt)

By
Donagh Humphreys

Donagh Humphreys 2015

donaghmark@gmail.com
00353 83 4279596

EXT. DUBLIN BUS STOP - LATE MORNING

BRENDAN MALONE, a 35 year old moody teenager, nerdy, sour
faced, short, stocky, dressed like time-traveller from a
1980s Minneapolis chess tournament stands wholly unimpressed
by the bus service. He repeatedly checks his watch, checks
the arrivals display and his smart phone comparing the
times.
A sweet LITTLE OLD LADY, makes eye contact, an "ah well,
late again" look. She is desperately looking for an
invitation to chat. But Brendan ignores her. Eventually...
LITTLE OLD LADY
Late again.
Brendan rolls his eyes.
LITTLE OLD LADY (CONTD)
Always late the buses.
Brendan actually turns slightly away from her.
LITTLE OLD LADY (CONTD)
Them bus men would be late for
their own funerals.
She touches tugs at Brendans jacket.
LITTLE OLD LADY (CONTD)
What time do you make it?
Brendan lets out a long irritable sigh, then turns to her.
BRENDAN
The essence of time renders your
question a metaphysical
impossibility, unless you think Im
some sort of supreme being in
control of the time space
continuum. Another dimension where
time is actually mine to control or
as you put it, make. In that
scenario I would never have to wait
for anything as time would bend to
my whim. Alas, I am not said
supreme being and cannot answer
your question.
LITTLE OLD LADY
(beat)
Wanker.

2.
INT. MALONES PUB - DUBLIN - LATE MORNING
Marty comes down with trousers on.
MARTY
Morning Betty. What are you writing
about today?
BETTY
True story about the barmans wife
cuckolding him with a rugby team.
MARTY
(sorrowfully)
Sorry to hear that Neil.
NEIL
Its not a true story.
MARTY
Thats it, good fella. You stick to
your guns. Shed never do that to
you.
NEIL
Marty, Im not married.
MARTY
Oh right. And there was me
desperately trying to remember your
wifes name.
Changing subject, Neil turns his back to speak quietly to
Marty.
NEIL
Marty did you ever consider that
maybe... Betty is bad for business?
MARTY
Why ever do you say that?
NEIL
Well she smells quite strongly of
urine. Shes loud - in fact Id go
so far as to say she pretty much
just shouts all the time. Numerous
assaults on customers. Isnt she
supposed to be a pyromaniac too?
MARTY
Shes never tried to have sex with
me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

NEIL
No a pyromaniac. Someone who lights
fires.
MARTY
Ah its years since she lit a fire
in anger. Not since Maeve Binchy
stole her idea for Circle of
Friends.
NEIL
What? Did anybody die?
MARTY
I never read it.
NEIL
I meant in the fire!
MARTY
Oh. Ah no, sure it was night time
so the school was empty.
NEIL
Also, the three years Ive worked
here, Ive never seen her pay for a
drink. Wait did you say scho...
MARTY
(cutting him off)
She pays for her drinks in other
ways. People come to a real Dublin
pub to meet real Dublin characters.
Not for fancy plasma TVs or fancy
running water in the toilet or
fancy ice in their drinks.
On these words Betty takes a pair of dirty looking bloomers
from her trolley sniffs them and puts them on.
MARTY (CONTD)
Okay, granted, she might be a bit
rough around the edges...
NEIL
Ive seen hobnob biscuits that were
less rough around the edges!
MARTY
Look shes been coming here since I
was a child and she wasnt always
this way mind.

4.

INT. MALONES PUB - 1972 - FLASHBACK

The pub is heaving with people. An INFANT MARTY peers into
the Snug. There a YOUNG BETTY (30s) sits with a MAN with a
shock of silver hair - SAMUEL BECKETT.
MARTY (V.O.)
When she was young, she was quite
attractive... in a... feral sort of
way. Everyone was in love with her.
Even Samuel Beckett.
YOUNG BETTY
Hey Beckett, I have an idea
your next play. Its called
for Knob Oh! Its about you
get leprosy and your pecker
off!

for
waiting
and you
falls

Beckett coughs his drink back into the glass.

INT. MALONES PUB - BACK TO PRESENT
MARTY
Wait... maybe she was always like
that. Anyway I cant kick her out.
NEIL
Why not?
MARTY
Physically I cant. Ive tried.
Shes too heavy.
Brendan enters. Neil checks his watch.
NEIL
Late again Brendan.
BRENDAN
Whats it to you?
NEIL
Time is money.
BRENDAN
Ive already bitch slapped an old
lady in quantum physics today,
dont you start.
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