No. 188 yan.'77 Ino ‘oun mice 50c CHEAP 3280 ...Strikes out ...shoots down ..backhands .-needles MISSOURI DOCTORS AND BREAKS THE A.M.A. ..and short-circuits THE BIONIC 4mm WOMANPeer Lis Cla Co Mainly... Co STEN UD) Pah MAD 485 MADison Avenue : 2 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 : New York, N.Y. 10022 1 ENCLOSE $7.99"! 1 ENCLOSE $7.99*! Sha ares sec tt NAME. ‘edoced ate for 0 mare ate i ADDRESS. NAME crry ADDRESS. ‘xtentNUMBER 188 “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush—but it can also make for a pretty messy hand!”—Alfred E. Neuman JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production. JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JANET SERPICO, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT JANUARY 1977 WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor The Lighter Side Of Consumers 24 CORN ON THE CARD DEPARTMENT ‘Year-End Family Greeting Letters We'd Like To See 29 COURT.JESTINGS DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At The Tennis Set 38 DOC-WALLOPER DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD History Of Medicine 18 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Early One Morning On A Desert Island 1" (One Day Five Thousand Years Ago 2 Late One Afternoon Last January 48 DOUBLE-STANDARD BARERS DEPARTMENT. No Wonder We're All Screwed Up! 12 INCIDENT REPLAY DEPARTMENT What's The Story? 22 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 40 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ma MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ‘Drawn-Out Dramas" By Aragonés . is PUBLISHER'S OVER-SCHLOCK DEPARTMENT MAD's Clearance Catalogue Of Unwanted Articles, Etc. ... 35 ‘SEASON'S BLEATINGS DEPARTMENT MAD Christmas Carols For The 1976 Season 32 SPLIT SCREAM DEPARTMENT. ‘AMAD Double Feature (Two MAD Movie Satires): “The Bad-Mouth Bears” And ‘The Misery Breaks” ....41 ‘TRAN-SISTER DEPARTMENT The Moronic Woman (A MAD TV Satire) 4 **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL THE MORONIC WOMAN. (aman Tv SATIRE) Pat MAD CHRISTMAS ‘CAROLS FOR THE "76 SEASON Pg. 32 THE BAD-MOUTH BEARS, (Movie SATIRE) Pg. 42 FEATURES MAD HISTORY ‘OF AmaD LOOK ATTHE TENNIS SET Pa. 38 THE MISERY BREAKS (MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 45LETTERS DEPT. KEEP ON TREKIN’ Keep On Trekin’ thing since "Space: 1999 ‘Score Vance Peppecell, Ma is the funniest Jacobs and Drucker really showed the ‘other side” of the Enterprise crew. Tealso ‘atablishes the space. musial ay the motes frontier of "of Broadway"! ‘Michael Schocawald Pitesburgh, Pa Frank Jacobs and More Drucker “Bold- ly go where no man has gone before! David Bruncte: Glen Burnie, Mal Judging from Frank Jacobs's compre hension of "Star Trek,” Td say he was Lost In Space Mathew Brucler Freeport, I You maniacs have cooked up an issue that Would make Me. Spock laugh! Stephanie Portalski Phoenix, Ariz Its aboue time somebody shot a laser right down the middle of those insane people who call themselves. "Trekkies Bless their bubble-gum brains! Do you think it was the faule of their parents? Steve Gilbert Hobbs, New Mexico You clowas are rally cruay todo a take off on "Star Trek” with all the desicated ‘Trekkies walking around. Some Spock nut may give you the "grip" one day Doug Pacerson Snellville, Ga 1 think Drucker and Jacobs. really agooted this time. "Star Trek” has become 2 phenomenon because of ics basic appeal to peoples's hopes and aspirations for a better world. Paramount owns the whole show, incidentally, including che reruns and. the characters. The only money the actors get is from icctures, books and sta tionery that are iadicectly related 10 the Sara Shleiea Teekkie silver Spring, Ma. Recalling “A MAD Look At The Dis exses OF Our Sick Societ);’ MAD #126 (Apsil '69), you ean now add the infec- sion spread by Jacobs and: Drucker Trekinosis"! ‘Teddy Khoury Brigantine, NJ. MAD STAR TREK MUSICAL COVER Jack Rickard’s dance trio looks very Enterprising. I sever knew Alfred I New ‘man had ents for musi Bruce Weldmer Olathe, Kan, MAD has earned a lasting place in Treksdom with the intsoduction of "Alfred E, Vulean,” MAD's "Whar, me logical” kia. Andrew Bartmess Giacinnati, Ohio “Alfred E.Vulean’"enshrined in Trekelom! Richard's illustration of “AlBe ‘The Vulean” is far out! Let's see Jack do some Bruce Hay Oak Park, [MAD'S PACKAGER OF THE YEAR J'm a Senior Packager in Ave & Design High School. Your "MADs Packager Of ‘The Year” isa prize package ‘Joe Preston. New York, NY. I don't know the “big nothing” Hart and Rickard aze packaging for che public in November beeause they only show his lower jaw. Stil, his chin looks stronger than any of the chins that are ia the run ing. George Dumas Washington, Dc Stan Hart and Jack Rickard took the ‘wraps off a very sneaky industry, Rob Pattison Toroato, Ont Canada Packager -.." was $0 good, I seopped reading it in the store and bou FAMILY READING BOOM Just a note to tell you it's so good to hear the kids laugh as soon a8 your MAD. arsives, We laugh ar them laughing Mrs, George Landis Clearlake Highlands, Calif, HAS ANY BODY EVER REALLY HEARD. ver Really Heard ‘Ah, so! ~aduectwalker call, "Hey stil, ‘over here! Has Aasbody =a Japanese person sy ‘cook summon people to inner with ‘Soup's on! 2 landlady admonish, "I runa respectable house here 1 trouble-maker declare, "This town sin‘ big enough for both of us! Risé Hatten Olney, IL MARTIN'S “THE STORY OF MOSES” Martin's "Moses" is certainly a divisive force Eldon Potter Kansas City, Kan “The Story OF Moses” was all wet Greg Wayman San Jose, Calif 1 laughed so hard at Don Martia’s "Moses" my sides parted! Todd Hust Bellevue, Ky Don Martin's “The Story Of Moses” is enough to supersede the Chaelton Heston portrayal of same! ‘Thomas Atkins ‘The Film Journal Hollins, Va PHOOUSH Phoolish” would have been even MAD-der with Mother Dexter, or Mother re Kristi Niles Bangor, Mich LET USXPRAY Your “Lee Us pray” was a real gas! ‘Don Adams Creston, lows The idios using the aerosol can in “Let Us Spray "is our of his skull! Groge Millbeisee New Ciry, NY. Last Gasp Acrosol” was realy breath: eee Bryan Briscoe Medina, Wash, PROMISSORY NOTE I will ery to write every issue David Lyna. Toronto, Ont, Cana Don't inconvenience yourself i's hard for os to write every sevel-Ed. Please Addvess All Correspondence Tor MAD, Dept. 188, 485 MADizon Avenue New York, New York 10022 ‘rgaenea Manuscripts iat be rtrd antes sccompaned by 2 Sek scared, asd SwebaetHAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? PAPERBACK BOOKS! use coupon or duplicate -—~ = MAD ¢ 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND THE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS | HAVE CHECKED BELOW TO: NAME. ODRESS. eas _zIP. [AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT ALONG WITH THEM BLAMING: [The Bedside MAD Hopping MAD © 00N MARTIN cooks CALIAFFE' Snappy Answers, Son of MAD “The Portable MAD [C}B0N MARTIN Comes On Strong_[}ALAFFEE's MAD Boo of Magic 3 {5 The Organization MAD.) MAD Power {E)DON MARTIN Corres On )MoreALIAFEE Snappy Annes 72) Uke MAD The Dirty Oi MAD [ELDON MARTIN Steps Further Out (]ALIAFFE's MAD estrostes i cee ecru rebutted MND Sa Sr i ener Merz Sepey savers {| MADE. fighting MAD The Reeyle MAD ERG Loos at PeoleC) Nagoes' “Viva MAD! Sikes {The MAB Frontier [The Nonviolent MAD [E)OAVE BERG Loks st Things C)Arogones's MAD about MAD 1 MAD in Obi £5 te Riot MAD DAVE BERG Magen Thinking C)¥apDbes's MAD Yous [The Voosco MAD.) The Token MAD DAVE BERG Gur Sick Word” Atagones's In MAD We Trost Ey Gessy MAD Suit} he Pocket MAD AVE BERG Looks at Ling ©) Aagore's MAD the Devi Three Ring MAD The visible MAD AVE BERG Looks Around [NAD for Batter or Worse Stance MAD 5) Jy Mr. MAD Ee dlbNew SPr vse C)Sing Along With MAD The MADSanpler 5) Steaming MAD [5)SPrvs SPY Folow lp Fle] MADAbout Sperts Wend Wei ete MAD MAO At You [5 ed MAD Dossier of SPY vs. PY.) MAD's Talking Stamps 15 Raving MAD The Vintage MAD {5 Mtn MAD Casiieg SPY ws. SPY C] MAD Word Por (Boling MAD The Cuckoo MAD ELAWAD Locka Ol Movies) The MAD Jumble Book El Qvestonable MAD Hooked On MAD {peturn of MAD Od Movies Poticaly MAD Homing MAD ESUONMARTINteps Out COMADYertsng {EIMAR Cradle to Grave Primer £ Te incgestble MDF DON MARTIN Beuncs Back CJAMAD Lok t TV £5 The MAD Book of Revenge uring MAD “]DON MARTIN Drops 19 stories CJA MAD Gude to Leisure Tine ©) MAD's Turned On Zio oa NAD 1 ON WARTN's Captain Klutz ods Letters To MAD scrote epee force! ENCLOSE 9c FOR EACH ‘he olen ‘eaten mncaied (Minimum Order: 4 Books) Sat SreeHERE WE 60 with MAD's VERSION OF THE POPULAR Vv SHOW THAT OPENS EACH WEEK LIKE THIS:Wel, Jammy, i400 operations ana 2 Band-Aids later! How do you feel? Batteries are Yes, and | think lke ‘do some teaching again u've been re-built with an ‘amount of electronic ‘machinery, Jamimny: Teli me ‘do you feel normal INSIDE? ‘You SOUND normal! |_[ on the other hang, T wouldn't mind setting down with anice, successful Fl asec Womenna VA TRAN-SISTER DEPT. IC WOMAN Tim so glad you returned to teaching here atthe Ait Force H| Base Schoo! Tal Okay. then You drive Tnmy county, | | THREE milion hard FIVE Kubookles. bargain, ‘and not ONE. Stranger! Kubookie less! You just saved me Kubookies! “Just one more thing, Sanger! The Moronic ‘But mainly f | nave both the plans AND. the Moronie Woman, Ill ental the world! \ hands on ee Playing handball is PUNISHMENT? “Then is a deal! Shall we shake Nanh... that's okay! You have an honest disguise!Morning, Miss ‘Summons! T brought you TEN pounds of apples! They're nat exactly for me, Oscular! The kids put them on my desk then they eet me anery {and when Islam my Moronie fist down, they take home applessucel! “Jamin, let me telly i'm here! Something WATCH OUT, JAMMY!! THAT HUGE RADAR TOWER IS FALLING TOWARD You!" That was amazing! Absolutely ‘amazing! ‘Oh, don't] towerto fall over thank met ‘and you put it its” | back up! Boy. you ina day's |] are really getting 10 be an expenselt Jammy, thave E Either someone with a terrible news! All the plans. for how you were built are Vault STOLE THEM. ve got a theory about who stole WATCH OUT! THAT CHURCH BELL IS FALLING RIGHT ON USI! the plans, Jammy! Ithas to be— Cafeteria! In ether Welt, first of al, i's going to be absolutely impossible to get parts for you without replacement numbers! ‘And what's even worse, your Warrantee| Card was withthe file! If anything yout Warrantee Card, you'll have t pay for your own Morante Serviceman lput—but Hown|| case, they're GONE! Call, which is about $80,000.00 an Mussina! fl ''Grteft them inthe | ft happens to you, and you don't | hour... plus parts and labor! Listen, Jammy the nearest church and now a Church Beli ‘You know, Oscular accidents DO happenttia He Se Toray switched the \ } / That's okay, Oscuiatt Vean do don’t think ts safe for you numbers on the tront | \F ‘door from that uely i ‘ How did you} | old dump to this something dothat?? | | beautiful new house! tomake it lust fine! this, Jammy! | ‘you another place to live, but rm afraid is in a shambles! ere a O81 stands for Timust get =} Jammy, you'e going to back tol] “have to learn to contol “Mforonie Deveiop- ostammat |} your Morante sven montana Resear You've ony been eiping se Tere et] | uscutfors mont, and Oscular Not one |} mmepen ve || ALREADY the Government ital matches! “door for” || Motor Pool nas seventeen B isrsteloust you00Ps! | | THREE-DOOR SEDANS! ‘Oh, welll There Wow! Did you see how she ‘She's not wearing one of those fimey Good Lord, lady! are lots of stopped that runaway truck?! | | new bras, can toll you THAT muehit ola worrer! Didn't you see careless truck 7 Imagine that runaway truck | | dewvers around! thinking that [J] headed rignt toward someone wants (W your! I almost fan you down!T think Fa better vist Oscular and put his mind tovrest abaut the state of | myhealth!iean'ttake my. CCAR because it won't start! Itjust blows up when 1 turn the key! That's why I'm taking this Bus. bo you sop] atic ost Sure, stop at the Moronie Development Ladies and Gentlemen! The feat 1am about ‘to perform isso great, so superhuman, <0 ‘that you will know at once who Lam! So'l must ask you alto swear never to reveal the true identity of the “"Moronie Woman” to anyone, no matter wh Lady, could you We're about to go itdon't matter, lady! Even if they HAD told me. t wouldn't believe that you stopped ANY us with your FEET! ‘Okay, your legs are repaired! Now back to your house! I anyone is out to et you, they will fook for you here! ‘But what about all the tight security?! Jarimy, i someone ‘wants to kill you bad enough, they can penetrate any kind of security by using the most ingenious disguises yi ‘See? What aid ‘tell your! Repairman’s disguise! CLEANING LADY? Thats a TERRIBLE "Cleaning Lady" aiseuise!! ‘So you are the Moroni man! Now 1 shall see what itis lke to make love to a SUPERWOMAN! A Hi Of course! | understand! In your ‘country, a man must first ave the lady alittle gift that will appeal to her! So, here is 2 box of chocolate-covered transistors! inthatcaseEspecially Twi recover from thie Good! | will be back at ineident, and then | wil || exactly October! That will give me six months when you feturn for more! Guard 2 || "to recuperate! it may be pushing ita bit consider ‘what time is Buti ty to make it took only Six u_|-| seconose Your Highness! Tm talking about the Yeah! This damp, musty, ‘Musie and Sound Effect 2 alligator-infested MOAT Vm going Boys! ean only do my. tof Ha lot better! Sometimes toerast [| “Super Maronie Things" {| “think we gave you too snrough the || boys... 2"? { | witha full orchestra || much Moronic BRAWN anc ‘cal wall i | background, and those rot enough MORONIC brain! Ready, || greatelectronic sound ae effects! Here goes Stand back, Osculat! Fay OTHER! Oscular,| [~ Under the i where | | drawbridge, uestons, é ARE you electronic: ‘Oscular? birabraint! yout? we've got to get back into that ‘retrieve those Top Secret is! ut HOW... ask y C Oscular?? stupidly et the deawbridge down so we can cross over the moat??? fee * a 6 o—VThat'sno] [A40 Hage 1 Ado MA ja regia Reent| | a 9 aes Nace Doyou | gE (tty Jeeare 36] [No Wwe Uno Ul yh He was just ]] And look at thst standing right |} The kidnapper in behind the door, || _the disguise is so | assume he's || STEVE AWESOME! now part of the || The SIX MILLION. lipaper! || DOLLAR MAN! Who knew kubook wore PANCAKES! That's all he got!t ‘Bult, Jammy iSNOT stronger Its too bad, than you, Stovel Steve! | had ‘such great is! In the plans for us! Si Dollar PAYROLL DEPT., ses! An ——— | _ senor the PUBLICITY DEPT, she i! WHAT plans? | | MORONIC BABEARLY ONE MORNING ESERT ISLA ANN. ify,DOUBLE-STANDARD BARERS DEPT. WE'RE SURE OUR PARENTS AND TEACHERS MEAN WELL WHEN THEY LECTURE US, BUT AFTER LISTENING NO WONDER WE'RE ARTIST: JACK RICKARO Tereeryoe brone that afianerad aortas E J x2 os tons fom anloicn in cont vey tos B cany but honey StL he sess The Washington Post NIXON PARD ‘What are you two kids fighting about? Don’t ‘you know that fighting never settles anything? I just have to skip the live within his income! ]_ Pilate Tuquiter DEBT wow YONKERS BORROWS T0 | Bu AVOID BANKRUPTCY |EueateTO THEM AND THEN READING THE WAY IT REALLY IS IN THE NEWSPAPER, ALL WE CAN SAY IS . ALL SCREWED UP! ity ‘We all have to do our part to save energy! +f ina Democracy like ours, the government represents the people ... and it does what the people demand! "You want to be a writer?! Well, young man, it takes hard work, sacrifice, study and dedication! Plus: You have to have talent! And even then, you might not get published! DETROIT FREE PRESS __C SMALL CAR SALES FALTE! AMERICANS STILL — PREFER THE LARGER EANSAS cry 9 More of Shire ring Leases Soy lig Leass Furbo ‘oan Pret k Oo LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL Government Approves SST Landin; De: Prote: ts OF Thousan Is. e 2 ano ‘NIKON AEDES REND con | aa dinen Gets Hage NON RE Fist Novel Toe Aue Sis tom Sagres See E0's BOOK OH SUEY WEARST HITS THE Ter BESTSELLER T BO 4 te taeer 5 MAUREEN > DOW UREEN DEAN's TELLS ALL=] The Washington Post __) SEN. JAVITS PAID SB000 ian $90,000 INCOME RONALD R NO TAXES IN 1970 CE) &&. eww Dork Times O MANY BANKS FACE DISASTER DUE TO QUESTIONABLE LOANS What You CUT SCHOOLIT Don't you reaize tat = c ‘education is the most important thing in lite?!” CI Omaba Wacld-Berald ay OVER TEN THOUSAND TEACHERS AND SCHOOL EMPLOYEES FIRED Mi ——— iew Budget Cuts Force S Laitor samtaca City To Close Schools Men ae ion Hose Sree llfancn el Be Re-Hired MINNEAPOLIS TRIBUNE _ ona rote ve gate Awl sar an aoe Herising cost of living f® f Ost. i : PRESIDENT ASKS FOR — TN MILITARY AID TO AFRICAN [NATIONS BESET BY CIVIL WARS gq bitte Seer * .S. SELLS WHEAT 1 1) US sts waar ra HereDOC-WALLOPER DEPT. As we all know, it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood comes up with “The Godfather—Part III”. But before they do, we thought we'd beat them to the punch with our own story of a vicious group of men who have been bleeding mankind dry, slaughtering innocent people by the thousands, and ripping off millions and millions of dollars. It’s all there—and more—in MEDICINE By LARRY SIEGEL, Hlustrated By GEORGE WOODBRIDGEsy Oe | A OSWYN LN0-3NVW 3HL AWWIHS SLLIOIONAddY 3HL ‘TUANHS YOWNL NIVEE 3HL URW SULOIPaW OUL—E UALAVHD auripayy Jo seoueapy Apey|—@ WALA VHDAmnpUAD YIGT A, UT 2dULIpaH Wt9POW—9 YALVHI‘rouoy Aur uodn pur Ajaouy ayeur | sosruord asay Sueur “ny JO sme ay} 0) Aue UOD aBpaymouy, Aur asn jou qi | yeasyy topun aay {wordaouod sy Jo aumy ay) Wo apy UeUMY Hoy joadsar ysourn oy) ureyuyeur pa | sluayed Sui pue sem ~LYALdVH)ONE DAY FIVE THOUSANDINCIDENT REPLAY DEPT. WHAT’S THE eelsBERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER SIDE OF...[Admit it! Don't ‘You 100k EXPENSIVE, Only) fONLY® s bad enough | [7 but do you have to] gorgeou How mu 379.351) | you're ithe | | be GIFT-WRAPPED2I> IMER s- When Iwas your age, ) [what is MY fault ny father was barely les f| father is smart ‘makige a living! | want | — |___ YOUR father didn't have HALE the | | from aS things that you havel el \ | \2. out of a jo It was realy stupid because haven't got any POCKETS!vat WHY IS THE ELECTRIC. wrt BILL SO DAMNED HIGH?!So | [WHAT AND LOSE MY ce | [__ PLACE IN LINER? Vag i %.) ix J aaa, : . os \ iCORN ON THE CARD DEPT. If you think printed Christm as Cards are bad, there’ : If you ti |. there's something e 2 machine-made, mass produced digest of all the thriling events that took place an ner tne year: And we mean ALL...sparing nothing! In case: fou few who has never received one, here's an example of A TYPICAL YEAR-END FAMILY GREETING LETTER sastane mais Se WAS EERE THE CULPEPPER 1976 FAMILY LOG Hi there, friends and relatives out there in Anorica-land. Tie Dht again to fiii you in on all the exciting things that have happensd 7 the Cul ceeper Clan here in good old Pumpalunp, Tan, in Bicentennial "76. In Janvary all of us Culpoppers were pleased as punch and proud as 62 git-out when Spangler was made third assistant sales manager of Klunk's Storm Bitrecompany. Beaming wife Hattie attended the awesome promotion cor ney soos parking lot in back of Fliegel's Hardware Store. And if she aust Sty £8 JF pa tne Povine was the talk of the ton in her scrumptious muumuu ana her rhine Stone curlers. It was the winter social event of Pumpalump, My, now tine flies. Remember Little Rifke? You'd never recognise ee now. She gov ner face caught in the garbage disposal on New Year's Eye- Bat 28 aoe ane eongiy, As for the irrepressible twins, Beowulf and Grendel, they te root Tell of the o14 got up and go. Which is probably why they got up and went But they came back in June. In February it was just one fantastic thing after another. But the big? point of the month, which peoplo ore still talking about, was when we changes point cirkets. Switching from the ARP on Lunmox Street to the Satewsy oo Sor ae ives We want to thank ell our friends for your many letters of on Pivniek Drive. pur big move. The Spring as usual was travel timo for ye o28e te Galpeppers and this year we went on just about the most fantastte Cite of our | Gulpeppers and thi6 Yssoribe the breath-taking scenery, the eye-popping 3) xa vntay ana the inoredable picture-posteard-beauty of a fabled vacat ener E saethige. We only wish everybody could visit downtown Bolse some bite Oe % Parad eyes (particularly in the moonlight, when the streets are boing & thet) The wext time you pass through Pumpalump, you must drop in end 500 our 9,000 slides of Boise (the one ¥ Fish Market 1s worth the stop alone). ‘th the sun setting over Throckmottle's the Summer was rather a mixed bag for us. The bad news first. In july spangier's Mom, Dad, sister, brother, and their families were wipes ot in Spangler ta bowlingal ley. On the good side, however, in August our Flymout 9 119 a it tne 50,000 mile mark on the odometer, It vas the biggest and nose Duster fue vent of the year in Pumpalump. We threw a party in honor of “he thr teu! and everyone came dressed as their favoritemechanic. Youmust drop in and see our 8,000 slides of the party. the high spot of the Fall was Spangler's henorrhoidectouy in Nevenber thank you tor all your nice cards, flowers, and best wishes. The nex’ 220 sear re in Pumpalump, you must drop in and see the 7,500 Slides of ‘the opera- Jou Te oliy, taking sides is Like cating peanuts. Once you start. -nahana) Soees ‘A11 the best to you and yours for 1977. : Spangler, Hattie, Rifke, Beowulf, and Grendel PE IN 29Which brings us to the premise of this articl for the most part, only typical Middle-American families ~ YEAR-END FAMILY GREE From A Mafiosa Family: From A Harlem Family: THE 1976 CALAVERRI FAMILY MOUTHPIECE Greetings from Our Thing to Your Thing. I's ic year for Capo Don Calaverr but thank Ge T feet and on her back again) ond in Ari foot Boe bo poppy fi ‘Treasury Jeader andhit man, and in honor of the occasion the Don stole him a gold watch. Everybody is still talking about the great Family Reunion we had with Don 8: a his soldiers in Bayonne last July. Fi watched home movies~"The God! and I (for us that's home mo hot afternoon, so we air-condition ment. Later in the evening we air~ Don Scungilli, (Will the fun and good times neverstop?) ‘eptember was vacation lovable, nutty Calaverri C! piled into the car and took trip to th : had a fabulous time, and then seven of us piled ta x 3 : info the car for the trip back. You should have 1 . t o trying to : seen Skoonj “The St travel on cementsend out these letters? Why don’t other kinds of people ri me and families send them too? F'rinstance, here are soi TING LETTERS we wne to see From A Beverly Hills Show Business Family: From A Career Army Officer's Fai (Having kids is rom Pocoima? (Having and Donny and son Josh was the social the Grand Canyon for jewish. In October W THE 1976 PRISBE FAMILY BUGLE At ease out there, you ians! You're going to heartfelt years from Maj. Geor even if we hi 884k throats! cept et's face it, 1976 a 3A rang n year! Remember how at the ond ‘5 when everyone was talking about peace on eal t good will towards men. Well God. his $4 Ex: AlL $#"Exge y The Spring was Frisbes, Major get over Bis depression brought on by unre. stricted peace, Frieda took him to the Far Eas Shinto temples in Japan colorful streets of Hoi aropped a few bombs on Somehow it just wasn’ n time for the isited walked th ng Kong, and odia (but t the same). June Geo: their frien, eda shocked Betting a divorce. Al- though Frieda wanted the marriage to Continue, George pointed out to the Judge that things en them haa d the impo ne. Not once in 20 years of Frieda taken a drop of bo. Who ever ad made George ned forces, hen showing his Judge told George, ks before coming sn't standing too ge told Frieda ave a leg to stand on. nse of humor, the who had quite a few ar to court, that he wa well hinseir, In July George a: remarry in 1977, unless Wos Starts--God willing. In au, ced plans to igust George S#"8e civil-(Dads Christin We Three Clods From Omaha Arve Spending Christ-mas Eve in a car Driving, drinking, Glasses clinking— ‘Who needs @ lousy bar? Ohhh | Drink to Charli, Drink to Pou, Drink fo friends we can't recall Swerving, speeding Signs unheeding— Drink fo anything at all We three clods are feeling no pain, Drunk as skunks with booze on the brain; Senses losing, Till we're cruising , Tntoa wrong-way lane Oh-b-b-h // Drink to Melvin, drink fo Fred /- Drink to those wo trucks ahead Headlights flashing, Screeching, crashing Drink ill they pronounce us dead, 32 *O little BankAmeric O Little BankAmericard the tune of “O Little *O little BenkAmericard You bring me Christmas cheer Without your clout Thave no doubt No gilts 1 give this yeer Your credit line allows me Torun upbills quite large, And when I'm through Exkausting you, } ll use my Master Charge, * fobe sung before Christmas You bring me discontent Tealeulate Your intrest rate Isover 12 per cen! Each month your ey for pay-ment My leiter-box bombards; Tm one more sap Caught in your irap— ext year I'l ust send cards “tobe sung after Christmas —eS 0 ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Wrap Your Gift (Sung to the tune of “Deck The f Fala laa la, la lala la! C Seal it wp and mark it "Fragile"—P Fa You can trust the Postal Servic Falala lala, la lala J! Hear the postal worker singing— Fala ale a, lala lala! As your parcel he is flinging Falalalala,lalalala! 4. See crumpled in the bin there Fala i lala laa a la! Aren't you sor-ry you walked in there? Fala laa la, lala lala! a a ioe Nutunnal Qe riser it— SA) Falalalalalalalale! = $4.35 Ie wil windup In Savannah Fala la, lala la lala la! Vea Nome and Butt, Montana Fala ia a laa la a FOR THE 1976 HOLIDAY SEASON Sam and Roz Are Coming To Town (Sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming Ta Town’) You beter give up On Christmas this year You haven't a chance With relatives here— Sam and Roz are coming to town. They're bringing the To add to your fun— They're slaying en days; You thought it was one = ah They'll monopolize your bathroom, ‘Thoy'll destroy your sol--tude; They will eat you ou of house and home, ‘Then complain a-bout the food. ces i i. hes W/ =a There's only one way Toseve your Nowl— You give ‘em your house You take a hotel Sam and Roa are coming fo townGod Rest Ye Poor Small Businessmen Go rem Who've managed to survive, Be glad inthis econ-o-my ‘That you are still alive Give shouts of praise at Christmas time When folks who buy appear ‘There's a chance... you'll break even for the year the whole year There's a chance that you'll break even for the year. The chain-stores and con-glom-er-ales Have brought you fo your knees High taxes, rent and labor costs Have caught you ina squeeze; Tho cost of goods keeps going up Tnflation’s running on Sogive thanks ... ou can buy cheap from Taiwan: Good old Taiwan Sogive thanks that you can buy cheap from Taiwan, It Hangs Down From , Our Chandelier Ges of Clear’) Lis shape is weird and it drips with goo And les of highsounding buzz Iigrows & couple of feet each day And wiggles with kindof a twitch We keopit ‘cause isa present from A visitng uncle who's rch Out There On The Sidewalk (ut there on the sidewalk « Sania Claus stands Beside a fake chimney, a bell in his hands; A second one's smoking a smelly cigar [A third one is picking his teeth in a bar A fourth Santa's trying to pick up js drunk in the gutter they're tall; {And none looks a bit like ihe real one a all With so many Santas, it's ough to Small wonder hat kids don't believe Yawn! The TV networks bring Shows that do their Christmas thing Kotter carols with his clas-s— Rhoda goes to Midnight Mass John-Boy Walton aids a stranger Fonzie's found inside a manger Archie Bunker says a pray't Sonny destroys ...a hymn with Cher: Ifyou miss their Christmas cheer, __ Don't be upset—just wait a yearPUBLISHER'S OVER-SCHLOCK DEPT. e we OR Whenever a department store has a lot of unwanted merchandise cluttering up the place, it holds a cle sale. Well, we here at MAD have the same problem. During our more than tw ‘ars of publication, we've accumulated a mess of artwork, scripts, old type, premises, etc., that we've got no use for. If we had any smarts at all, we'd offer them to the public as bargains. In other words, we'd throw them all together inMOVIE & TV TAKE-OFFS. We pride ourselves on satirizing the ‘big! shows, but we must have been deli fous to order movie take-coffs of bombs like “Gable and Lombard” (Garble and Dumbard”) and "Kra: katoa, East of Java” (Tapioca, Eech with Lava") and TV spoofs of The Dumplings" (The Dumdums"), “Bare- foot in the Park" ("Barefoot in the Yecch"’) and “Invisible Man" ("Divis: ible Ham"). Each $9.95. Take thom all-please! NEAR MISSES. We al MAD are proud of our sense of timing, our keeping on top of the news, our un- canny shrewdness at anticipating future events. Yessir, we're infallible, except when we blow it by ordering articles that become unrunnable right we order them. Among them: "When NBC Makes Full Use of Bar- bara Walters,” “A MAD Interview With Howard Hughes,” “'A Look at President Udall’'s Wallet.” Others, justasll-imed. Each—for only $10.95. MARGINALS. MAD‘s illustrator of this running feature, Sergio Arago- nés, rarely misses, but in 1988 he mailed in a batch of 39 “Marginals, all dealing with Eskimo family plan- ning. We stil don't know his reason, but after eight years of trying to find fan excuse for running them, we've given up and now offer them at $4.50 er gag, 3 for $11.75, 10 for $27.50, the entire lot for $67.95. COMIC STRIP SATIRES. They seemed like good ideas at the time, but now. .. 2 Among the many in our "Can't Use" file are “if Comic Strip Characters Were On Death Row, “When The Gay Liberation Move. ment Spreads To The Comics" and something we've held for 12 years involving Mary Worth and strip-min- ing. Best offer takes, Minimum bid $450 per article. Sorry, no phone orders, HEART 2 OKEN PRIMERS. See this blurb. See us try ing to unload 17 MAD primers that didn't make it, See yourself sending Us $7.95 for “The MAD Crop Rotation Primer” or “The MAD Primer on Di abetes and Other Diseases of the Digestive System” or “The MAD Frisbee Primer.” See us banking the money fast before you discover what yougot, retch, and demand your pay- ment back. MAGAZINES, MAD loves to create magazines that are funny, satirical and entertaining. Here are some that weren't. Among them: “BURP—The Magazine for Gluttons”; | “OAF MONTHLY—The Magazine for the Clumsy”; “LITTLE “PEOPLE—The Magazine for Grown-Ups Under Five Foot"; “CREEP AGE—Tho Magazine for Degenerates." Includes layouts, art, type. Just $16.50 each. Cash only, please. FOLD-INS. Even Al Jaffee goofs as evidenced by these Fold-Ins that didn’t make it. We've 28 gathering dust, one of which depicts a picnic ‘ene which unaccountably folds in to a frog, another of an air view of Nutley, New Jersey, which unexplain- ably folds into a profile of Jaffee's brother, and others—just as mind- bogaling $6.95 cach 3 for $16.BEHIND THE SCENES AT... you name it, we've tried it—and muffed it. We don't know WHY we commis- sioned “Behind the Scenes at an ICBM Launch Site," or "Behind the ‘Scenes at a Trailer Court in Ogden, Utah,” or “Behind the Scenes at the National Plowing Contest,” but our stupidity ig your opportunity. These and dozens more only $3.95 each, Take ‘em all (34) for $99.50. XMAS SONG PARODIES. Why did we order this article? Heaven knows, but we're relieved to unload it at $2.95 actly, Available aro!'Wo Three Are’); et Hany Chane eee). fon A Mic night ayy me All ve Woe fullmanthBeven more, equally idiotic and unsingable. All 10 only $1550 BICENTENNIAL IDEAS. During the past 18 months or so, our writers sub mitted 53 unsalvageable scripts for Bicentennial satires, each one worse than the next. Among them: “If Ben: jamin Franklin Had Been a Mafia Don"; "Behind The Scenes at Nathan Hale’s Hanging’; “If Patrick Honry Announced Monday Night Football Others equally horrendous. Yours at $15.75 each. All sales final, irrevo- cable, and unexchangeable, KHAO CURSE WORDS. Now you can own a Xt#$%14! of your very own—just like the ones you see in MAD. Guar- anteed authentic, most of them were loft over from type we had set for our satiros of “Patton,"”“The Godfather’ and “Dog Day Afternoon." Only $5.95 will bring you a Xt#SI#! and a $4X- @&!! Special Budget Offer: $2.95 NIXED FRONT COVERS. We've got close to a dozen piled up in our stockroom, and if you saw them you'd understand. Welll-never know why we commissioned a picture of Alfred E, Nouman as a Bulgarian naval off ‘cer, oF conducting the Mormon Tab emacle Choir, or performing open- heart surgery, but we did and with disastrous results. Only $12.95 each ~as is and absolutely non-returnable. DON MARTIN SOUND EFFECTS. Several hundred expressions, set in type for Don Martin articles, but never used. We note 37 THLUPs, 24 FWAPs, a dozen or so THOOMPs and SPROINGs, plus the usual BREEP-BREEPs, FWADDAPPs, KA- BOOMs, FWISKs and SKLISHKs, and an occasional SKLOOSH, FLA BADAP and a FOONGA-FOONGA The entire lot only $21.50. Order now and receive FREE 3 FONEBONEs. DAVE BERG'S “LIGHTER SIDES.” Only a few left of these S-pagers, which, though unprintable in MAD, will make wonderful decorations for your den. Still available are “The lighter Side of Toilet-Training,”" “The Lighter Side of Terminal Ill ness,” “The Lighter Side of Unwed Motherhood.” Others available on request. Shipped in a plain. brown wrapper $7.75 each. FILLERS. At MAD, a “filler” is a short article that can run any time. Well, we've got a pile of thom that can't run any time. You can choose from such ridiculous premises as “You Know You're a Member of an Emerging African Nation When or" Whoopee Cushions to Match Ca- feers” or “When Tho Trend Toward Aging Gets Out of Hand.” 4 for $10.00 until Feb. 1. After that, 5 for $10.00. NOTE: THIS SALE ENDS AUG. 9,1976 NO ORDERS ACCEPTED AFTER THAT DATE,TENNIS SET =SSE Remy KA SEF eae ( iSPLIT SCREAM DEPT. PRESENTING A 3D o GS SEL FEATURE CAN A ‘AR-OLD GIRL HANDLE HER ROLE AS A STAR OF A TEAM... AND NOT GO TO PIECES?!? CAN A 50-YEAR-OLD COACH HANDLE A 12. YEAR OLD GIRL.. AND NOT GO TO JAIL? WILL SPORTSMANSHIP PREVAIL IN LITTLE LEAGUES—OR IS THIS A REALISTIC MOVIE? The year’s most heart warming, adorable movie, about a bunch of misfits who show that with courage and determination, you still have to play dirty to win! STARRING | THE PICTURE THAT HACK NICHOLPLUGS DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID THEY MIGHT TAKE THE PICTURE MARLY BRANDY WANTED (0. MAKE SO HE WOULDN'T BE ey vm AR NIT! HIS “OSCAR” BACK! ¥ ADE TURE THEY SAID COULDN'T BE Mi THER WAS THAT SHOULDN'T BE MADE?) SEE Hollywood's two biggest Stars... locked in « colossal struggle... to determine whose career will survive this bomb! MARLY TANTRUM WALTER O'NEAL =MATTAU AND A CAST OF JUVENILES OF ASSORTED SIZES, RACES, CREEDS AND VULGARITIES BRAND ACCAST OF ADULTS OF ASSORTED SIZES, SEXES, CREEDS AND VULGARITIESCan a tired old man with psychological problems who tries to drown himself in drink maintain respect as a leader? No, this isn’t a movie about Richard M. Nixon! It’s about Coach Morris Buttermilker and... . Wale BAD-MOUTH < | ctean fl servo! Ce " T PN fll BO Pas ‘They rene GAMES BEHIND jend of they kicked a ball | atthe {| ee tet o Vv 7a ee ay om + ~ a = .e Ps = fe | Weegotta = That kid ‘Are you UH bet you ‘OK! And if WIN... # never No, | LOST! = Yeah! | | eetsome || onthe kidding?! jon this game! | Sams a | Ct motor bike ‘Why, just It bwin @ Youcando J You But—but that] | only Za) thescor’s fe] "isthe | | yesterday, | | youplay ior & avoir seu Peet tid could do | nothing to best | | “henit m ‘ nine * | nothing, top| | player ELEVEN! oe ofthe ist | | around! | | Pedes (eons dP my want with mel | deal! terrible, siek | | tuck > perverted | | holds out! (fs | ——— Se Year? Who LI Can he | {Let ‘| Sef ° anweget? >) hit? i a 2 i | r ; pressure to win ali the “lust look int their fs ¢ and what do you see? Trust ¢ Hope! Braces! And pimple OAH PLD Bl Why Pfmeccosen ff why areyou J 1 don't caret are toidme H puting [there's something tonit. Bf ctthetousy | | more important standing | one aver players into the fence, J the game? The ‘andit’s Bads will "| | gotta learn which Shorter (j tose the ‘il help them his way! || championship! | | “in tater ite!" HN than winning something theyDon’t tell your friends the ending of this latest We: the rounds, or they'll know you sat through it all, wondering when . .. THE a MISERY \.>, BREAKS “x eS I ae Yop This weal Mh aon. [fy tareamorthe, Al When men) WY Begnratt Tl Erin go bragh!L | whieteties | [Now | [Woah | Wester dustest j= Inout Kgday nen there's gy wll be Viner ited a= ve | oe | Nocour sino [f Thets fg abetormayse’ PY votet mmo Ruste, what incre aH | Nut isust” | oneot (when moni )] "to et aL | wished mcronger se.) WoMeN rour.| | anke'time |) aswrantten”| | "was" | | glee wioientto ment |¥ Eepecaly PM Rost inegectntr, | | sscna| | Pes jeer) NES St Fandwpari] |Mestenmone,| | erat || Fiat beter way | oar, pore wa angen] [Stents | | ft | [sect Tgateven wih |_[—Viow! And hen Fo Taure adr nattonen ouner for ‘gonna run of wth towayyeur | | a9 te nangin ry bucoy tim | |_fisuey daugheert reieravane| “| ava | me forma soa nistorse, | —— Tsters'rd’| | hotsrene | [ Naahnnt Sumfisnause snd" | [yaa] [ Becaune metogets | | nexeaaor | | Same Einimincroyinen | | fe ae nice pate as that | [Tait that jaughter? also = kind of | wHYI fll MASOCHIST! || _ss possible! kind of euy either! Man, you area:He hired that | ‘Okay, but let's R to. | | make love before Not alLATE ONE AFTERNOON LASTpla ee HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Tite MAD FOLD-IN aa There are many creatures in our environment that look A811 to our elected officials for their survival. But one particular animal has no worries at all because it is always fully protected by the winning candidates. To tsa it) find out which species this is, fold in page as shown. DATS ead FOLD PAGE OVER UME THIS! FOLOTWS SECTION OVERLEFT {FOLD BACKSO“A” MEETS ———— = = 7 FIERCE FIGHTS FOR SURVIVAL AFFECT SPECIES AT ALL LEVELS OF OUR ENVIRONMENT. BUT EVERY ser uarree CANDIDATE WHO WINS HAS ONE SPECIES HE PROTECTS ab (Bal aPAY AS YOU GO! THE PRACTICE OF MODERN MEDICINE