Text from my initial

submission:

Some evidence is
best obtained through
direct
interviews. (page
404), I found this to
be very true with

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

This approach is
reflected by Lunsford,
who states, Some
evidence is best
obtained through direct
interviews (p. 404), and
I found this to be very
true in my experiences
with Dean.

Dean

After completing the

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

This approach is
reflected by Lunsford,
who states, Some
evidence is best
obtained through
direct
interviews. (page
404), I found this to
be very true in my
experiences with
Dean.

This helped to really

explain to my readers
where/who I am getting
this quote from and
gives my paper
credibility.

This approach is
reflected by Lunsford,
two courses offered
who states, Some
for undersea
evidence is best
After part A happened, obtained through
photography he and
part B happened.
direct
Ernie decided to
interviews. (page
404), I found this to
create a third class for
be very true in my
it which he took.
experiences with
Dean.

This change helped to

clarify what happened in
a timeline like manner
with the use of a
comma.

He ended up working

This gives a little clarity

to what Dean did as a
photographer. At first it
seemed unclear but
now there is a
clarification to it.

As a reader, this
sentence would be
clearer to me if there
was a comma in there.!

undersea, and on land,

photography around
the world for multiple
clients throughout the
youth of his career.

This is confusing me.

What are you saying
here?

He ended up working
undersea and on land
with his photography
around the world for
multiple clients
throughout the youth
of his career.

Text from my initial

submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

This shows the pathos Sloan, since this

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

This shows the pathos

( emotional appeals...
( emotional appeals
to win over [people]
to win over [people]
with pretty face,
figurative or real.
with pretty face,
(Everythings an
figurative or real.
Topic sentences are like Argument page 98))
that the little girl used
idea anchors for
(Everythings an
paragraphsthey give
to persuade Dean to
the reader a preview of
Argument page 98))
photograph her. His
the main idea thats
rhetoric is to persuade
that the little girl used coming up, and that
main idea should relate us that the little girl
back to your thesis/
to persuade Dean to
was the star of the
purpose/main focus.
moment with her
photograph her. His
dress, equivalent to
rhetoric is to persuade
that of celebrity
glamour.

us that the little girl
paragraph is ultimately
about pathos as a form
of rhetoric, I think you
should consider
including it in your topic
sentence.!

was the star of the

moment with her
dress, equivalent to
that of celebrity
glamour.

How this change

impacts my paper:

I decided not to change

anything in this because
when I tried to place my
topic sentence into it it
felt like there was just
too much going on. I
tried putting it
everywhere and it just
didnt seem to fit in my
opinion.

Text from my initial

submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

I feel that This was

Id like you to elevate

your language a bit
here. The idea is
definitely interesting, but
I think you can smarten
this up a bit.

This shows the pathos

( emotional appeals...
to win over [people]
with pretty face,
figurative or real.
(Everythings an
Argument page 98))
that the little girl used
to persuade Dean to
photograph her. His
rhetoric is to persuade
us that the little girl
was the star of the
moment with her
dress, equivalent to
that of celebrity
glamour.

my original entry had a

type and made my
sentence seem a less
mature because it
seems like I dont know
what grammar is.

Such as? Can you think

of examples?

He could have easily

used any other words
like she was a
darling young girl and
I just had to
photograph her or it
was like she had a
special flare,
something that had to
be cap- tured or
completely changed
the sentence but he
wanted to really push
that she was so
important and so
beautiful in that
moment.

In this I give examples

of how Dean could have
talked about this girl and
emphasized why he
kept with his original
text.

an interesting way of
putting how her stare
was.

He could have easily

used any other words

Text from my initial

submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

One of his professors, This is all neat, but Im

Vern Miller, wasnt
too happy about this
because Dean was one
of his favorite

having a hard time

seeing how it relates
back to dean as a
writer/communicator
(which is the main point
of this assignment). Is
this relevant? If so,
how?

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

One of his professors,

Vern Miller, wasnt
too happy about this
because Dean was one
of his favorite
students.

I deleted the last part

about their friendship
because it was
worthless information to
the paper.

In his career, Dean

has had to write and
rewrite contracts,
articles, instruction
manuals, some blog
posts, and many
pieces for the school
(a lot of which has
been comity work
with the school).

In this I explain what his

comity work is so that
the reader isn't left
hanging on what he is a
part of

students. They lost

contact for a while but
later reconnected and
became friends.

In his career, Dean

has had to write and
rewrite contracts,
articles, instruction
manuals, some blog
posts, and many
pieces for the school
(a lot of which has
been comity work).

Whats this?

Text from my initial

submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

His strong points in

Im not really convinced

here without some hard
evidencethis is where
artifacts come in!
(Where are they?)

His strong points in

writing are his clear,
concise,and specific
language he uses;
details that cover all
bases; and his ability
to do it in as little
words as possible,
when writing
contracts with other
companies he says

I felt like with the lack of

artifacts I couldnt really
push what was said any
further but I wanted to
include this so it stood.

writing are his clear,

concise,and specific
language he uses;
details that cover all
bases; and his ability
to do it in as little
words as possible.

Text from my initial

submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
Classmate:

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

During our online

I like how youre trying

to squeeze out as much
as you can from the little
amount of info you got
from him. but Im
wondering about the
placement of this
paragraph. Why put it
down here? Could it
make more sense if you
weaved it in earlier on?
After all, your email
correspondence
chronologically
happened before the
interview itself

During our online

interaction (email) he
managed to write in a
way that was very
clear and concise in
language I would be
happy to [be
interviewed]. What
does your schedule
look like? I am in
Ventura on Tuesday
mornings and
Thursday afternoons..
When do you need to
do this
by? (DePhillipo,
2015). In that email,
Dean managed to
accept an invitation
for an interview, find
an available window
of time to be
interviewed, and
made sure that I
would be able to meet
one of the dates
specified.

When placing my
paragraph in different
areas of my paper it
helped me to
understand how
placement is important
to trying to make papers
more clear. I feel that
this helped to show later
on how Dean tends to
run his professional life.

interaction (email) he
managed to write in a
way that was very
clear and concise in
language I would be
happy to [be
interviewed]. What
does your schedule
look like? I am in
Ventura on Tuesday
mornings and
Thursday afternoons..
When do you need to
do this
by? (DePhillipo,
2015). In that email,
Dean managed to
accept an invitation
for an interview, find
an available window