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The Struggle for Acceptance

U.S. Women of Color

Some basic questions people ask themselves in their journey

throughout the lifespan are, Am I Okay? Is who I am Acceptable or worthy
of acceptance? Typically this is something a person struggles with in
adolescence as the individual is striving to find their identity and their place
in the world, but the struggle for acceptance is something that people of all
ages struggle with and continue to struggle with. This struggle may be
especially true for women of color as they battle the injustices imposed upon
them from societys continuing ignorant and intolerant ideals. Even the
history of this nation and other industrialized nations like it prove that a
person of colors struggle for acceptance has been bitter.
I thought that Jomara Tiburcio had some interesting insights on this
fact in her discussion board posting entitled To Bind Up the Nations
Wounds on April 14. She writes, In reading Marx, Making Race and Nation
a Comparison of the United States, South Africa and Brazil, we come to
discover more about this countrys history. We learn things that werent
taught in grade school and things this country has chosen to ignore in
regards to slavery. They dont tell us in grade school or in the movies that the
Civil War was really about slavery and economic intervention. Slavery and
economic intervention were the particular disputes revealing a more
fundamental issue of Southern resistance to national unity and central state
building (Marx, 123). The south did not want any part of economic
intervention as they felt that that would threaten slavery in the south. Then
we learn about Abraham Lincoln who we know as the president that was

against slavery and who wanted to free the slaves, but it seems as if that is
the contrary. Marx quotes Lincoln in saying I am not nor ever have been in
favor of bringing about in any way, the social and political equality of the
white and black racesBlacks must remain inferior (Marx, 121). In saying
that to me that just seems as if it wouldnt have made a difference to him
whether or not the slaves were free, because Blacks must remain inferior
and what other way to keep them from gaining any sort of independence
than to have them as slaves. Marx goes on to state that Lincoln had
sympathy towards the slaves but in order to him to keep a good name and
remain at peace with the Confederacy he could not grant blacks equal rights
as the whites. So whose side was he really on? The black slaves or the whites
who wanted to keep slavery going?
As a model for identifying this struggle for acceptance and how it may
progress through a number of stages, I have chosen to look at Dr. Thomas
Harris writings on what is called The Four Life Positions. These are based
on Bernes psychological theory of Transactional Analysis.

Im Not Okay, Youre Okay

According to Transactional Analysis, the first life position is that of the
individual, when examining herself and who she is, coming to the conclusion
that Im not Okay. When thinking about others, the individual makes the
conclusion that Youre Okay. According to Transactional Analysis, this is
typically the thinking of a young child about herself as not being okay and

seeing her parents as being okay. This is due to the lack of experience
necessary to provide an accurate picture of herself, and the individual, being
immature in her identity, sees herself at the mercy of others and their
decisions. (Harris, 46-47)
This immature way of viewing oneself as less than or not okay is
true for some women of color in their struggle for acceptance of themselves
in a society that may not always accept them, but that they want so much to
be accepted in.
In the reading from Making Face, Making Soul, I was particularly moved
by the writing by Kristal Brent Zook entitled Light Skinned-ded Naps. I
found it enlightening to peer through the writing into the private self-concept
of black womenhow they view their hair, the unique tone of their skin, and
how so much anger, shame, and emotion has come from how some women
of color have perceived themselves as being not good enoughnot being
okay. (89)
When looking at Suicide Note by Janice Mirikitani (75), it seems that
other women of color--in this case an Asian American woman-- experience
feelings of inferiority as well. It causes me to wonder how much of this
feeling of less than is common to all womennot just those of color. This is
one way in which we are all a likealbeit a sobering one. We, as women, all
feel as though we are not good enough just the way we are. We are
constantly striving to be more than what we are and falling short because, it
seems, we cannot embrace true self-acceptance. We somehow have

ourselves convinced that it would be better to be someone elsesomeone of

a different color; someone who will be accepted.
Though a very short piece, I liked Legal Alien by Pat Mora. I found it
interesting how the bilingual woman, despite knowing Spanish, does not feel
completely embraced by the Mexican culture. She is not one of them. Yet,
she does not feel completely embraced by American culture either. She is
different, and whether that is viewed positively or negatively by onlookers,
she is not one of the in-groupnot really. So what group is she a part of? She
is not Mexican, but she is not really American either. And so in her struggle to
be accepted she goes about masking the discomfort of being pre-judged
(376).

Im Not Okay, Youre Not Okay

In this second life position, the individual has come to the conclusion
that not only is she not okay, but neither is anyone else! Transactional
Analysis would say that this may be due to lack of stroking in childhood by
the parents. (Harris, 49)
In looking at the struggle for acceptance of the woman of color, a lack
of stroking of her unique identity and personhood may cause her to come to
the conclusion that not only is she not okay but others are not okay
either.

A good example of this unfortunate personal reality for many women of

color is illuminated in Zooks Light Skinned-ded Naps from Making Face,
Making Soul. Amongst themselves, black women are at odds between each
other because of the unique tones of their skineach one seeing the other
with contempt. there will be resentment and even lawsuits between us, as
Tracey Morrow have recently demonstrated with her lawsuit against a darker
skinned supervisor she claimed discriminated against her for being light
(89). I appreciate how the article ends with a call to all black women to love
and appreciate one another for all the different and beautiful shades of black
that exist among them, but how interesting it is that the struggle to accept
ourselves and others for our differences is sometimes so very much
entrenched within us because of our hurt.

Im Okay, Youre Not Okay

In this third life position, the individual feels hurt by the other and
comes to the conclusion that while she is okay, the other is not. And so she
isolates herself as a way to survive. Transactional Analysis concludes that
this may be the response of a child who has been abused. (Harris, 51-52)
Certainly women of color have been abused by society not only due to
their gender, but also due to their skin color. At some level, the woman
realizes that she can accept herself for her uniqueness. It is society who has

projected their ignorant and narrow-minded views upon her. It is society who
is not okay.
I liked the comments Allicia Nickerson made in her Discussion Board
posting entitled Self-Segregation on April 28. She writes, One of the
concepts that Zarembka mentions in the early portion of The Pigment of
Your Imagination is notion of self-segregation. During her discussion on her
years at Haverford College and on academic spaces in general, she notes
that black students in predominately white environments often desire a
space to form fellowship and camaraderie with other black students but this
assertion is often seen by white students as self-segregation (xx, her
emphasis). I was immediately attracted to this commentary, because to a
certain extent, I agree with the dominant communitys claim. In my opinion,
people like to remain in their comfort zone and surround themselves with
people who they view are like themselves. While there is nothing inherently
wrong with this, everyone is done a huge disservice by cutting off chances to
have open and honest dialogue about intra/inter-cultural issues. But on the
other hand, one must also be realistic and recognize the lack of community
and alliance building (and desire to do so) between whites and people of
color in order to form multicultural coalitions. The history and continuation of
open hostility in public spaces, including higher education, and a desire to
mobilize for identity-based concerns has to be a motivating factor in this
strategic separation (almost as a form of cultural preservation).

In La concienda de la mestiza: Towards a New Consciousness by

Gloria Anzaldua I was moved with the deep seated rejection the Chicana
people have experienced from the white race, yet their desire to rise above
the negative feedback that has damaged their souls is giving them strength.
I acknowledge that the self and the race have been wounded. I recognize
the need to take care of our personhood, of our racial self. I search for our
essential dignity as a people, a people with a sense of purposeto belong
and contribute to something greater than our pueblo. On that day I seek to
recover and reshape my spiritual identity (386). They are refusing to be
less than they are. They are choosing to accept themselves as being okay
just the way they are. It is others views of them that are skewed. It is the
othersthose who have hurt them that are not okay.

Im Okay, Youre Okay

In the fourth life position according to Transactional Analysis, there is
hope. This fourth position reflects a conscious decision, where the other
three are based on perspective. The first three positions are based on
feelings. The fourth is based on thought, faith and the wager of action. The
first three have to do with why. The fourth has to do with why not? (Harris,
53).
I thought Stefani Hewatt in her Discussion Board posting entitled How
to Be Aware of Race? on April 28 reflected on the idea of Im Okay, Youre
Okay and how this idea pertains to how we view race. In reflecting on the

reading from Zarembkas Pigment of Your Imagination she comments, The

issue of raising children with a racial awareness was interesting. I wasnt
aware of race as a child. You may think that is because Im white, but I was
always around people of different skin color. I didnt start to become aware
that racial bias still existed today until I was much older because my
environment didn't foster that. I cant say whether race awareness at a
young age would be more helpful or not. Do you think race awareness is
only valuable if a child is non-white? I don't think so. I think it is important
to teach children to be accepting of all people, but I don't know how
specifically I would be racially. I remember asking my parents if I could date
someone of another race, they said "of course, why would you ask that?" I
guess after that it wasn't an issue about where my parents stood. But maybe
they should have taught me that not all people are as inclusionary.
The author of Splitting by Leticia Hernandez-Linares seems, at least
to some degree, to have accepted herself for her uniqueness. Nine years
ago, words like Chicana, Latina, Salvadoran, feminist, working class were
extremely important to me. While discovering the meaning behind these
identifications has been necessary for me and will continue to be necessary
for others, I feel confined by having to pick one and claim that I am
-------as each adjective by itself is so insufficient and invites the assumptions
and conclusions of others. Constructing my own names and communities has
been about letting go of the importance of fitting into neat categories that
only serve to divide us. (112)

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When reflecting on the struggle to be accepted that every one lives

throughregardless of whom they are or who they are not, I hope that we
can embrace the idea that although we are very much different, we are very
much the same. We are all human. And that in itself makes us all okay.

Works Cited
Anzaldua, Gloria . La concidenda de la mestiza: Towards A New Consciousness.
Making Face, Making
Soul, Haciendo Cares, Ed. Gloria E. Anzaldua . Aunt Lute Books, 1990.386
Harris, Thomas A. Im Okay-Youre Okay. Harper Collins Publishers, New York, 1969.
46-53
Hernandez-Linares, Leticia . Splitting. This Bridge We Call Home: Radical Visions
for Transformation,
Ed. Gloria E. Anzaldua and AnaLousie Keating. New York: Routledge, 2002.
112.
Hewatt, Stefani. "How to Be Aware of Race." Discussion Board. Blackboard. TWU, 28
Apr.
2010. Web. 14 May 2010.
Marx, Anthony W. Making Race and Nation: A Comparison of the United States,
South Africa, and Brazil.
Cambridge University Press, New York, 1998.
Mirikitani, Janis. Suicide Note. Making Face, Making Soul, Haciend Cares, Ed.
Gloria E. Anzaldua .San
Francisco: Aunt Lute Books, 1990.75.

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Mora, Pat. Legal Alien. Making Face, Making Soul, Haciend Cares, Ed. Gloria E.
Anzaldua .San
Francisco: Aunt Lute Books, 1990.376.
Nickerson, Allicia. "Self-Segregation." Discussion Board. Blackboard. TWU, 28 Apr.
2010. Web. 14 May 2010.
Tiburcio, Jomara. "To Bind Up the Nations Wounds." Discussion Board. Blackboard.
TWU, 14 Apr.
2010. Web. 14 May 2010.
Zarembka, Joy. The Pigment of Your Imagination. Washington, DC: Madera Press,
2007.
Zook, Kristal, Brent. Light-skinned-ded Naps. Making Face, Making Soul, Haciend
Cares, Ed. Gloria E.
Anzaldua.San Francisco: Aunt Lute Books, 1990.89-90.