DaphneandApollo

By
MagentaHoward

DaphneandApollo
byMagentaHoward
Characters
Apollo
Dionysusbartender
Servant
Cupid
Daphne
Nymph1
Nymph2
Hermes
ZeusVoice
Aphrodite
RiverGod
Cameraman
ActOne
Sceneone:
Setting:ApollosroominMountOlympus.
(Apollosroomhasalounge.Hehasaphoneonatablenexttothelounge.Pillarsstandineach
cornerofhisroom.Apollowalksfromintohisroomandlooksatthephone.Hewalkspastitand
sitsonthelounge.Apollolaysdownandsighs.)
APOLLO:ShouldIcallher?DoctorPhiliussaidnottocallwithintwentyfourhoursofyourlast
call.Ishouldnt.No,Ishould!Icant!Imust!Shewont.Iwill...No.Iwont.(Hesitsup.)Imgoingto
call.(Standsup)Butwhatifshedoesntanswer?Whatifshedoesntlikeme?Wait!ImApollo.
Everybodylovesme!AndshesAphrodite...Sheloveseverybody.(APOLLOreachesforthe
phone.)Whatifshesbusy?Whatifshe...Idontcare.Idocare!(APOLLOpicksupthephone.It
rings.)
HERMES:Hello.YouvecalledtheHermeshotline.Youleavethemessage.Wedeliverit.One
hundredpercentconfidential.Subjecttochangewithoutnotice.Messageanddataratesmay
apply.Pleaseleaveyourmessageafterthebeep...(BEEP)
APOLLO:(APOLLOclearshisthroat.)HeyyyAphrodite.ItsApollo.SoIwaswonderingwhatyou
thoughtaboutourdatelastweek?Theforestisprettyromantic,huh?Sorryaboutthatbird.Idid
notseethatcoming.So...Youhaventtalkedtomeinawhile.Iwaswonderingifyouwanted
to...um...meetupagain.BecauseImthesungod.Andyourethegoddessoflovesowed
have...Sparks!YouseewhatIdidthere?Sparks!Getit?(Laughs.)Well.Callmeback.Illbe
here...Waiting...allnight.Okaybye.
HERMES:Thankyouforcalling.Wellsendthemessageassoonaspossible.Likeuson
Facebookandgetafreedelivery.Haveaniceday.
(Thephonebeeps.Thereisonenewmessage.)
VOICE(ThiscanbethevoiceofCupid):HeyApollo!Whatsupmyman?Wherewereyoulast
Saturday?WewerewaitingatDionysiusforyoubutyounevercame!Whydidyouditchus?!
Weweregonnagototheforestandchasesomenymphs.Man,youbetternotforgetus
tomorrow!WellbewaitinbyAphroditesateightoclock!

APOLLO:OhZeusandHera!IcantbelieveIforgot!Theyaregonnabesofiredup!(Tomakeit
cheesy,APOLLOcanturnhisheadtotheaudienceandwink).WhatamIgonnatellthemifI
cantgo?
They'vebeenwaitingforthisformonths!Icantrescheduleagain.
(Thephonebeepsagain.APOLLOreacts.)
VOICE(ThisisZeus.Thevoicecanbedonebyanyotheractororthestagemanager.):Apollo!I
hopeyoudidntforgetaboutourlittlegettogethertomorrow!Imexpectingyoutocome!Youre
myhonoredguest!DontforgettocometotheLightningPalaceateightsharp!
APOLLO:Oh...no...Iamgoingto...die...metaphoricallyofcourse,becauseIamimmortal!
(Apollostandstallandplaceshishandsonhiships,likesuperman)OnceIhearfromAphrodite
thenIllknowwhetherornottosaynotothoseinvites.(APOLLOwalksaroundtheroom.He
looksbackatthephone.Hepacesmore.Apolloisbecomingvisiblyanxious)Whywontshe
returnmymessage?...ShouldIcallagain?No...Thatsit.ImgoingtoDionysus.Hesgotthebest
advicewhenitcomestocharmingagirl.Healwaysknowswhattosay.
(ApolloExits)
(BLACKOUT)
Endofsceneone

Scene2:
Setting:Dionysisbar
(Thestageissetwithabarwithastoolinfrontofit.Therearegrapesandrollsonthetable.
Therearewineglassesonthebar.Atableissetupwithtwochairsbyit.)
(CUPIDissittingatthestoolinthebar,eatinggrapes.Thereisawomanbehindthebar,
cleaningglasses.APOLLOwalksintothebar.Hewalkstothebar.CUPIDturnsaroundtoface
APOLLO.)
DIONYSISBARTENDER:Hey,whatcanIgetyou?
APOLLO:Dionysus.Ineedtotalktohim.
DIONYSISBARTENDER:Ohsorry,Apollo.Hesgone...youknowhim...Godof
celebration.(BARTENDERwinksatAPOLLO.)Sodoyouwantanythingwhileyourehere?
APOLLO:Sure.CanIhavesomethingtodrink?
DIONYSISBARTENDER:Surething.
(TheBARTENDERwalksoutoftheroomtogetthewine.APOLLOwalkstothetableandsits
down.CUPIDiswatchingAPOLLOlikeahawk.Hewalksovertothetable.)
CUPID:HeyApollo.Girltrouble?Iknowhowyoufeel.Idomakepeoplefallinlove,youknow.
APOLLO:Yeah...Iknow.
CUPID:Youcantellme.Dontworry.Mylipsareshut,sunnyboy.
APOLLO:Youreallywanttoknow?(CUPIDnodsatAPOLLO.)Okay...wellyousee,Youknow
Aphrodite?Thatsastupidquestion...ofcourseyoudo.Wellwevebeengoingoutandlastweek
wehadabaddate...
CUPID:uhhuh.Whathappened?
APOLLO:WellfirstIwaslate...thenIaccidentallysteppedonherfoot...andhitherintheface
and...
CUPID:Oh...yeah.Thatsprettyclumsy.Yousuremesseditup.

APOLLO:Therewasabugonherface!
CUPID:Whatelsehappened?

APOLLO:Well...abirdflewintoherface...
CUPID:Hey!youresupposedtobethisamazinggodandyoucouldntpreventastupidbird
fromfaceplantingher?Youcouldstartawarwithonewordandenditwithonemoreandyou
cantevenhaveagooddatewithAphrodite?
APOLLO:Imleaving.Yourenothelping.
CUPID:Wellitistrue.Imeantherehavebeenbettergodsthanyou.(APOLLOislookingat
CUPID.Heisbecomingangrier.)Lookatme.Imtalldarkandhandsome!!!Triplethreat!
APOLLO:(Scoffs.)Iamthegodofthesun!!!Withoutme,therewouldbenomortalstoshoot
yoursillylittlearrowsat!Mysunsetisthemostromanticthingever.Thehumansloveit!
CUPID:Iamthegodoflove!Icanstartawarandendawarwithonearrow.(Holdsuparrow.)I
couldcontrolyou!Youwouldforgeteverything!Youwouldbesolovestruck...Icouldgetyoutodo
anything!
APOLLO:Youcallthatanarrow?(Takesarrow.)That...thattoy?!No.Thatisachildsthing.I
dontthinkthatyoudeservetoevenbeagod!Iambetterthanyou.Youareababy!Iamaman.
THATisnotarealweapon!THISisarealweapon.Iamthegodofthesun.Youare
a...stupid...baby.Youdontdeservethatarrow.Youreadisgracetotherealgods.
CUPID:Iamthegodoflove!!!!Idoallthework!!!Aphroditedoesntdoanything!Iamthebest
godever.Sheisanimage!Aphroditecouldntmakeanybodyfallinlove!
(APOLLOjumpsatCupid.CUPIDdodges.APOLLOrunstowardsCUPIDandtackleshim.He
beginsslappingCupidThebartenderwalksinandseesthemfighting.)
BARTENDER:Hey!Stop!Thisbarisforeatinganddrinkingonly!IfyouwanttofightgotoAries
place!OUT...now!Comeon!(Shepullsthembythecuffsoftheirtogasandthrowsthemout.)
CUPID:(Dustinghimselfoff.)Seewhatyoudid?!ThisisALLyourfault!
APOLLO:Myfault?Myfault?!MYfault?!!!
CUPID:Yes!Yes!!YES!!
APOLLO:No...no...youaretheonetoblame!Youmademeangry.Youpushedmetothelimit!
Youarenogod.Youareanimmature...baby!
CUPID:Iwillshowyouwhosababy.I'llshowyouwhosstupid.Illshowyouwhosincontrol.
(CUPIDexits.)
APOLLO:Doubtthat.(APOLLOexits.)
Endofscenetwo

Scene3:
Setting:TheForest
(APOLLOiswalkingthroughthewoodswithhisbowandarrow.Heismutteringtohimself.
APOLLOwalkspastsomenymphssittingbyariver.Hecompletelyignoresthem.Theyare
sittingdrinkingwaterandhegoesfurtherdownstreamtogetsomewater)
APOLLO:Illshowhim.Hethinkshessocool.Buthesnotcool...likeJustinBeiber.Heneeds
togethisarrowsstraight.Nomatterwhat.
(Thenymphsbeginsplashingwater)
NYMPH1:Splish

DAPHNE:Splash
(TheothertwolookatNymph2.Sheisthedumberofthethree.Daphneisthesmartleaderof
thegroup.Nymph1hasanattitude.)
NYMPH1:Sploosh?Youresodumb.Itsnotsploosh.ItsSplosh.NotSploosh.Ughhh.Memorize
yourlines!
DAPHNE:Hey!Shedoesntknowanybetter.Itsnotherfaultshehadtobethedumbstock
character.Itcouldhaveeasilybeenyousassy.
NYMPH2:Whatdidyousay?Iwasntpayingattention.Iwaslookingatthathotguyover
there.(Sighs.)
NYMPH1:Whatguy?
NYMPH2:Overthere.(Sighs.)Hesadreamboatisnthe?Icouldstareathimalldaylong.
DAPHNE:Okayhoney.Youdothat.Ifthatmakesyouhappy.
NYMPH1:Shesnottheonlystockcharacteroverhere.
(CUPIDenters.Hehidesbehindatree.)
APOLLO:(Inamockingvoice.)ImCupid!Imsosmart!Imarealgod!Imbetterthan
you.HA.Asif.
CUPID:(aside)Illshowhim.
DAPHNE:Hesnotthatgoodlooking.Iveseenbetter.
CUPID:Perrrrfect(CUPIDplacesthetipsofhisfingerstogetherthewayanevilvillainwould
whileplotting.)
NYMPH1:Shutup.Hesagod!Metaphoricallyofcourse.Whywouldagodbeinthesewoods?
NYMPH2:Hesdreamy.
CUPID:(Aside.)Thisisgoingtobefun!(CUPIDshootshisarrowatAPOLLO.Thelightsgo
downandAPOLLOfallstotheground.)
CUPID:You!You!!Wakehimup!!Wakehimup!!!
NYMPH2:Illdoit!
CUPID:NO!!SheMUSTdoit!!
DAPHNE:Sir...Sir...Areyouokay?(Lightsbegintocomeupslowly.)Canyouseeme?How
manyfingersamIholdingup?
APOLLO:So...pretty.
DAPHNE:What?Howmanyfingersdoyousee?
APOLLO:So...prrrreettyy....
DAPHNE:What?Areyouokay?
APOLLO:SoPRETTY!!!!!(APOLLOtriestokissDAPHNE.DAPHNEslapsAPOLLOandruns
away.Shehidesbehindatree.APOLLOchasesher.Theyrunaroundforabout10secondsuntil
sheexits.APOLLOexits.)
CUPID:Hey!Shesgettingawaywithyourman!Yourenotgoingtoletthathappenareyou?
Yourenotgoingtostandforthatareyou???
NYMPH1:Nowerenot!!!
NYMPH2:Nowewont!!
CUPID:Sowhatareyougoingtodo?!
NYMPH2:Whatarewegoingtodo?!
NYMPH1:Weregonnachasehim!Weregonnacatchhim!

NYMPH2:Yeah!
CUPID:Thengoandgetemtiger!
NYMPH1:Letsgo!(NYMPH1exits.)
NYMPH2:Waitforme!!hahaha(Exits.)

CUPID:Wrongway.(Points)
(NYMPH2entersfrom.Sherunsacrossthestageandexits.CUPIDexits.)
Endofscene3
Scene4:
Setting:Furtherintotheforest
(DAPHNEisrunningfrom)
DAPHNE:ohh...Imsotired.IhopeIlosthim.
APOLLO:(Fromoffstage.)Imcomingsweetie!
DAPHNE:No!(DAPHNEhidesbehindatree)
APOLLO:(APOLLOenterfrom)Daphne!Daphnewhereareyou?Itsme!Apollo.Youknow?
Sungod?
(CUPIDentersfromandhidesbehindatree)
CUPID:Itswabbitseason(DAPHNEsquatsdown.CUPIDlooksatheratthesudden
movement.)Hmm...cantlethergetaway...Hey!Apollo!Theresheis!TheresDaphne.Behind
thattree!
DAPHNE:No.Imnothere!!
APOLLO:Iseeyou!Letmegiveyouabigkiss!
DAPHNE:No!No!Stayawayfromme!(DAPHNErunsdownstage.APOLLOrunsdownstage.
DAPHNErunsbacktothetrees.ShehidesbehindCUPID.)
CUPID:Nottoday!(PushesDAPHNEawayfromhim.)Overhere!
APOLLO:ItinkIseeaPuttycat.
(NYMPH1and2enter)
NYMPH1:Getawayfrommyman!!!!
NYMPH2:Yeah!
DAPHNE:Takehim!Idontwanthim!
APOLLO:Iseeyou!(WinksatDAPHNE.)
DAPHNE:Jeepers!(Exits.)
APOLLO:Imcoming!
NYMPH1+2:Werecoming!!!
(NYMPH1and2exit)
CUPID:Acttwocantbeexactlylikethis.Idbettermixitupabit.Buthoooow?Hmm...I
could...no...thatwouldntwork...wellmaybeIcould...but...(Cupidreachesintoatreeandpullsout
aphone.)Thatshandy.(BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP...RINGRING
RINGRING.)HeyHermes.RememberhowIowedyouabigstory.WellIvegotone...holdonto
yourtogacuzyoureabouttobeamazed.
ENDOFACTONE

ACTTWO
Scene1:
Setting:HermesStudio(ThestudiohasmanylightsandadeskupcenterThestudioisvery
colorfulandthereisatable.Hermesispreparingforashow.)
HERMES:Getthecameraready.Okay.Makeup!Imreadytoroll.Goin
Three...two...one...ACTION!HelloItsmeagain,Hermes.Themessengergod,andwelcometo
theDeityDirt!ThecoolestgossipshowinMountOlympus!YougivethedirtandIdeliverit!Ive
gotagreatstoryforyoutoday!AreApolloandAphroditehavingaloveaffair.ThismorningI
receivedatipfromananonymouscallerwhichgavemeabsoluteproofthattheyaredefinitely
dating.Thetwoplantoelopenextsaturday.WatchoutHephaestus,youhavecompetition!Keep
upwiththelatestgossiponTwitter!Ifyoulearnanything,justtweet#Scandalous!(Thephone
rings.)Hello?Yes?Yes.YES!!Imonmyway!(Hangsup.)Ijustgotatipfromananonymous
callersayingthatApolloischasinganymphthroughtheforest.Heclaimstobeinlovewith
her...andhesaysthatthis...Daphne...ismorebeautifulthanthegreatgoddessAphrodite!Whata
scoop!Goodnightandgoodbye.(CAMERAMANstopsrolling.)Followme!Weregoingtothe
forest!(Exits.)
CAMERAMAN:(Grunts.)
HERMES:(Enters.)Oh,andbringyourcamera!
CAMERAMAN:(Grunts.Thenpicksupcameraandexits.)
Endofsceneone

Scene2:
Setting:Aphroditesroom.Thereisaredlounge.Amirrorisdrapedinredcloth.
APHRODITE:Icantbelievehim!
SERVANT:Yes,miss.
APHRODITE:Howcouldhesaythatsheismorebeautifulthanme?
SERVANT:Idontknow.
APHRODITE:Nobodyismorebeautifulthanme!!!
SERVANT:Yesmiss.
APHRODITE:NOBODY!!!Iamthegoddessofloveandbeauty!Iamthemostbeautiful!
SERVANT:Yes,ofcourseyourbeautifulness.
APHRODITE:Icantletanybodybemorebeautifulthanme!
SERVANT:Right.
APHRODITE:Iambeautiful!(Goestothemirrorandlooksatherself.)
SERVANT:Yesmiss.
APHRODITE:IneedtofixmyhairbeforeIgoand...destroyher!
SERVANT:Ofcourse.
APHRODITE:Ihatehim!
SERVANT:Yes,miss...ohyougotacallthismorningyourgrace...fromApollo.
(Aphroditepicksupthephoneandlistenstothemessage.)
APHRODITE:Ilovehim...whichiswhyImustDESTROYDaphne!

SERVANT:Wouldyoulikemetogetyourcattleprod?
APHRODITE:Notthistime.
SERVANT:Yourcracken?
APHRODITE:Nah.
SERVANT:Yourdragon?
APHRODITE:Notthistime...whatelsedoIhave?
SERVANT:HadesofferedtolendCerberus.
APHRODITE:Perfect.Goandgethim.
SERVANT:Yes,yourgrace.
APHRODITE:Okay.Imgoingtotheforest.Bringthemonsterwhenyoucome.Seeyousoon
Daphne!(APHRODITEexits.SERVANTexits.)
Endofscenetwo
Scene3:
Setting:Theforest.
DAPHNE:Imusthide!(DAPHNEhidesbehindatree.)
(APOLLOenters)
APOLLO:Iwillfindher!
(HERMESentersfrom.)
HERMES:Thereisourlovestruckgodinhisnaturalterritory.Hesearchingforhisnew
companion.Heseemstobeinadaze.
(APOLLOexits)
DAPHNE:Theperfectescape!(exits)
HERMES:Itlooksasifthenymphisescaping.HowwillApolloreact?
(NYMPH1and2enterfrom)
NYMPH1:Whereishe?!
NYMPH2:Umm...Ithinkhesintheforest!
NYMPH1:Noduh!
NYMPH2:Oh...maybehesinthesky!
NYMPH1:No.Hesintheforest.
NYMPH2:Oh!Youaresosmart!
HERMES:Hewentthatway.(PointsthedirectionAPOLLOwent.)
NYMPH2:Thanks!
(NYMPH1and2exitCUPIDenters)
CUPID:HeyApollo!Shewenttheotherway!(APOLLOenters.)
APOLLO:Where?!
CUPID:(Frombehindatree.).
APOLLO:Thankstalkingtree.(APOLLOexitsCUPIDfollowsafterAPOLLOleaves.)
(NYMPH1and2enterfrom.)
NYMPH1:Whichway?
HERMES:.
NYMPH2:Thanks!
HERMES:Whatafarce!Itsamazing!(APHRODITEentersfromwithSERVANT)
APHRODITE:ComeCerberus.Hewentthatway.

SERVANT:Comeboy.Comeboy.Comeboy.Ivegotachewtoyforyou.Ivegotachewtoyfor
you.Ivegotachewtoyforyou.
APHRODITE:Whyareyousayingeverythingthreetimes?
SERVANT:WelltherearethreeheadssoIshouldsayittoeachofthem,shouldntI?
APHRODITE:No.Youdonthaveto.Thatstupidmuttwouldntknowwhatyouweresaying
anywayswouldhe?
SERVANT:Iguessnot.
APHRODITE:Okay.Cerberus,whichwaydidshego?Whereisthatgremlin?
(CerberusBarksThestagemanagercandothisfromoffstage.OrSERVANTcandoitand
shaketheleash.)
SERVANT:Shewentthatway!
(SERVANTandCerberusexit.)
APHRODITE:Imcoming!
(APHRODITEexits.)
HERMES:Thisjustkeepsgettingbetter!(HERMESandCAMERAMANexit.)
Endofscenethree
Scene4:
Setting:Theforest
(DAPHNEissittinginfrontofatree,kneespulledup.CUPIDisbehindatreewatchingher)
DAPHNE:Im...just...so...tired.Need...nap...(DAPHNEcollapses.)
(APOLLOentersfrom.)
APOLLO:Heythere!(Heseemspunchdrunk.APOLLOisobviouslylovestruckandoutofit.)
LetApollocomeandgiveyouakiss.
DAPHNE:No!!!!Ewww...Oh!!!Godoftheriver!Saveme!!Dontlethimtakemeaway!!!!
(Suddenlythereisaflashandthelightsgodown.Thelightturnsblueandamysticfigureenters
.)
RIVERGOD:IamtheRiverGod!!!WhoDisturbsmyslumber?!
DAPHNE:ItisIDaphne!Please...PLEASE...PLEASEdontletthisstalkertakemeaway!!!
RIVERGOD:Igrantyourwish.Youhavetwomorewishes.Wouldyouliketousethemnowor
later?Allwisheshavearolloverplan.Anywishesunusedwilltransferintonextmonth.
DAPHNE:Illusethemlater.Thanks.
(POOF.ThelightsgoupandthereisatreewhereDAPHNEusedtobe.Ifthedirectorwishesto
twisttheplot,DAPHNEcanbehidingbehindthetreeandcomeoutattheend)
(NYMPH1and2enter)
BOTH:Thereyouarepokeyface!
(CUPIDcomesoutfrombehindhisperch.)
CUPID:Whereisshe?!Shedisappeared?!
APOLLO:Mylove?Whereareyou?
(HERMESandCAMERAMANenterfrom.)
HERMES:Thisisgreat.Apollosunrequitedloveleadstohisheartbreak.
(APHRODITEandSERVANTenterfrom.Thedirectorcandecidetospreadtheactorsaround
asthecharactersenter.TheothersreacttoCerberus.)
APHRODITE:ImgoingtokillyouApollo!(SlapsAPOLLO.)

APOLLO:(Crying)Daphne!!OhDaphne!
HERMES:Sheturnedintoatree?
CUPID:Yeah.Isawthewholethinghappen.Onesecondtherewasnotreethere.Thenextit
wasthere.LikeaDavidCopperfieldtrick.(Aside.)Well...Myjobisdone.HisheartisbrokenandI
provedmypoint.
NYMPH2:ImhereforyouApollo.(Winksathim.)
NYMPH1:Itsnotlikeyoucandoanythingforherwhileshesatree.
APOLLO:(Hesuddenlybeginstosmileashegetsanidea.)YesIcan!Ican!Fromnowonyour
leaves...Yourlaurelleaveswillbeallofthegodscrowns.Youwillbeasymbolofhonor!(Kisses
tree.)Iloveyoutree...ImeanDaphne.
CUPID:Darn!Darn!Darn!Iwantedhimtobesad!!!Hesnotsad!
APHRODITE:Whatdoyoumean?
CUPID:WhatImeanisIwastryingtoruinhim!Iwastryingtobreakhisheart.
HERMES:Whatastory!CupidsetsApolloupforheartbreak.Itsallhisfaultthepoor
defenselessDaphneisatreenow.AndAphroditeandApollobreakup.
CAMERAMAN:(Grunts.)
NYMPH1:Youjerk!JustwaittillIgetmyhandsonyou!
CUPID:Gottafly!
(CUPID,NYMPH1and2exit.)
APHRODITE:SoImthemostbeautifulagain?
SERVANT:YesMiss.
APHRODITE:ThenImhappyagain.TakeCerberushomewillyou?
SERVANT:YesMiss.(ExitSERVANT.ExitAPHRODITE.)
HERMES:Sotherewehaveit.ThisweeksfarceisnoneotherDaphneandApollo...anditsall
Cupidsfault.SowhatdoyouhavetosayApollo?
APOLLO:Herguys!IllbesellingmylaurelwreathsattheZeusWarehousestartingtomorrow!
Comeinatsunriseandbethefirstofyourfriendstogetalaurelwreath
HERMES:Wisewords.Wisewords.
APOLLO:Ihavesomuchtodo!Ivegottogetmyservantstomakesomewreaths!
(APOLLOexits.)
HERMES:WellthatwrapsuptonightsepisodeofDeityDirt!Seeyounexttimewhenwetackle
therumorofZeusandIo.
(HERMESexits.)
(Ifthedirectorwantstoaddthistheycanaddalongerendingonceallofthecharactersleave.)
(DAPHNEcomesoutfrombehindthetree.)
DAPHNE:ImgladIlosthim.Thatwasacloseone.
(NYMPHS1and2enter)
NYMPH1:
(DAPHNEexits.)
ENDOFACTTWO
ENDOFPLAY