The Exploding Penis

So I woke up this morning and got out of bed to use the toilet,
when suddenly
MY PENIS EXPLODED!

No, not like a spontaneous ejaculation,

(though that happens to me sometimes)
I mean like my entire penis blew up into tiny smithereens
Subatomic particles of my dick burst out into infinite directions
scattered on the floor, the smoldering ashes…
flashes of vanquished pubic hair singed…
behind what was once an erection…

Miraculously, however, my testicles were unscathed

(but it looked really strange only having a pair of balls with no penis attached)

I cried out in vain,

“What shall I do?”
“How will I urinate?”
“How will I have sexual intercourse?”
“How will I find Mrs. Right?”

I immediately phoned my doctor to inform him of my plight

He said that this thing happens quite often and is
vastly underreported by the media
It could easily be an unwanted side-effect
of all the prescription and non-prescription drugs
that I’ve been abusing
He said I should come to his office at once
so I can be fitted with a brand-new penis

I ran out my door into the humid Florida morning

(wearing only a hot pink bathrobe and hair curlers)
and jumped into my car, peeling out of the parking lot,
CRANKING up that new Lady GaGa song “Just Dance”

During the drive, I do hand dances along to the music

I “Vogue,” I “Pulp Fiction,”
I do that swim dive move that has been out of fashion since
before I was born; but I still do it anyway
The traffic on the Palmetto Expressway was a pain in the ass
I worried that I’d never get to the doctor’s office fast
Time is of the essence when these sorts of things occur
Fortunately I saw a cop decked out in fake fur
I pleaded to him:

“Officer! Help! My penis has exploded! I need to get to the doctor at once!”

He told me that the same thing happened to him four years ago in the Yucatan
Peninsula
and provided me a police escort with blaring sirens through the highway
(he also did funky hand dances along on the way)
(and even did the YMCA)

When I arrived at the office,

my doctor showed me a bunch of new shiny penises to pick
He really had an amazing selection of pricks
I chose the latest model, in neon green, that came with a lifetime warranty
This one will never explode, the doctor guaranteed

My doctor also had an impressive assortment of vaginas,

which he attempted to cajole me on,
just in case I was interested in switching my sexual organ preference
I told him no; I’m satisfied with my current genitalia
And, as much as I love vaginas, they require too much maintenance
While he swore that he knew an innovative vagina mechanic, who does express
gynecological examinations in 15 minutes or less from his bedroom in Hialeah,
I told him no thanks and asked to be fitted with my new penis

After this, I left the office feeling refreshed

and happy

Nothing like a new penis on a sunny day

Nothing at all