ENGLISH JOKES

How many letters are there in the English alphabet?

(18 letters! 3 in "the", 7 in "English", and 8 in "alphabet".)
Why did the boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries were dead.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?
Dead!
This Kitchen will be closed today
because of illness.
I'm SICK of cooking!
Why is the letter "T" like an island?
Because it is in the middle of waTer!
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions of letters?
The "Post Office"!
What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
Envelope!
What do sad fir trees do?
They pine a lot!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with!

What did the traffic lights say to the car?

Don't look now. I'm changing!

I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?

A liar!
What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Finding half a maggot!
Which bus crossed the ocean?
Columbus!
Why do witches have brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!