1

00:00:02,330 --> 00:00:05,980

[Alarm beeping]

2
00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:12,930
Aah!

3
00:00:13,130 --> 00:00:14,560
Morning, Champ.

4
00:00:14,590 --> 00:00:17,460
[Laughs]

5
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,480
Funny how things...
Work out.

6
00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:31,500
I need a fix

00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:34,640

I need to fix my ignition

8
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,450
Flower power, dude.

9
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:38,980
Anders,
why are you messing around?

10
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:40,520
We're gonna be late for work.

11
00:00:40,550 --> 00:00:42,450
What is going on?
Why are you guys doing this?

12
00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:44,050
Why do I love my mom so much?

13

00:00:44,090 --> 00:00:46,130

Why do kids start
at different reading levels?

14
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:47,630
Why are girls pretty?

15
00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:49,160
Why do I get sleepy
after I touch myself?

16
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,970
No more pranks, okay?

17
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,240
We're not in college anymore.

18
00:00:52,270 --> 00:00:54,670
We're grown-ups!
So act like it.

19
00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:58,080
Just--just act
like grown-ups, please, okay?

20
00:00:58,110 --> 00:01:00,120
Thank you.

21
00:01:00,150 --> 00:01:02,190
Ow!

22
00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:03,990
Oh, this is not even funny!

23
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,090
Oh, what, are you gonna break
on through to the other side?

24
00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:07,860
Jim morrison?
The doors?

25
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:09,430
'Cause of the...
There's a door frame.

26
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,730
And the...
'Cause if y--

27
00:01:11,770 --> 00:01:14,800
[hip-hop <i>America the beautiful]</i>

28
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:21,310

29
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,250
Hey, buddy.

30
00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:27,450
Hey, can you get your dad's

credit card out?

31
00:01:27,490 --> 00:01:30,720
Yeah, there you go.
Chief.

32
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,020
Does it start with a four?
Guys.

33
00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,360
Jesus.

34
00:01:33,390 --> 00:01:34,690
Can I call you back?
They hung up.

35
00:01:34,730 --> 00:01:36,230
Thanks, Jillian.
Every time.

36
00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:37,600
I'm really sorry, you guys.

37
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:39,700
I just--I haven't
really been the same

38
00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:41,600
since Michael Jackson
died in that knife fight.

39
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,610
Mm, that's what big media
wants you to think.

40
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,910
He's on a beach with Brad Renfro
and heath ledger

41
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:48,210

drinking beers.
This guy.

42
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:49,710
Look it up.

43
00:01:49,750 --> 00:01:52,220
Oh, in other news,
I overheard Alice say

44
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:54,220
that she's gonna create
a senior sales position.

45
00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:56,120
It's a pay raise,
it's health insurance,

46
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,860
and a key
to the executive bathroom.

47
00:01:58,890 --> 00:02:02,330
Basically a pay bump
and a comfy dump.

48
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,670
Wow. Gross.
Why are you telling us this?

49
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:07,670
'Cause I think one of you guys
could totally get it.

50
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:08,770
Really?

51
00:02:08,810 --> 00:02:10,270
Yeah, you guys have been here

52
00:02:10,310 --> 00:02:13,280

for, like, forever,

and you're not waymond.

53
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:15,010
Can I help you?

54
00:02:16,980 --> 00:02:18,650
A pay raise.

55
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,920
Sounds like someone's finally

56
00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:22,150
gonna get that 401k started.

57
00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:24,890
- Oh.
- What's a 401k?

58
00:02:24,930 --> 00:02:26,460

I'm glad you asked.

59
00:02:26,490 --> 00:02:28,460
Basically, it's a
retirement plan so you can...

60
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:29,700
Oh, no.
Never mind.

61
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:31,360
Totally thought it was a laser.

62
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,370
Okay, can I talk now?

63
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:33,970
Because with my pay raise,

64
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,870

I get a flying squirrel suit

to go base jumping with,

65
00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:37,470
and that health insurance?

66
00:02:37,510 --> 00:02:38,970
Ooh, boy!

67
00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,380
I wouldn't mind

68
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,180
taking a growler
in that executive bathroom,

69
00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:43,680
but, uh,
not the promotion thing.

70

00:02:43,710 --> 00:02:46,580

You know, mo' money,
mo' problems.

71
00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:48,350
Why don't we all just
be honest with each other?

72
00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:49,780
We all want the promotion.

73
00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:51,490
- No, I really don't.
- I do.

74
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,120
But only one of us can get it,

75
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,220
so let's make a supportive
thing happen here.

76
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,660
Sure, I can-we can do that,

77
00:02:56,690 --> 00:02:58,130
'cause we are
kings of friendship.

78
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,190
- Exactly.
- Friendship titans.

79
00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:03,200
Yeah, I think the only
promotion I'm interested in

80
00:03:03,230 --> 00:03:06,340
is promoting you guys to
generals in my friendship army.

81
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:08,240
Yes, sir.
Well said.

82
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,510
'Cause in no way is that,
Alice,

83
00:03:10,540 --> 00:03:11,670
gonna affect this.

84
00:03:11,710 --> 00:03:13,840
'Cause this right here, bros,

85
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,880
is why I love coming to work,
hanging out with my partners.

86
00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:19,650
My chiefs.

Best friends for life.

87
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,150
You'd have to be
a real scumbag to mess that up.

88
00:03:22,190 --> 00:03:24,490
The thing everyone
hates about Anders

89
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,990
is his disrespect for women,
you know?

90
00:03:27,030 --> 00:03:29,760
He treats chicks
like second-grade citizens.

91
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,830
And they're not.

92
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:32,530
Natalie Portman
went to Harvard,

93
00:03:32,570 --> 00:03:34,370
and she's smart as [Bleep].
She's super smart.

94
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,000
How did you get in here?

95
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,800
If I were Anders,
I'd punch you in the face

96
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,670
for asking something like that.

97
00:03:39,710 --> 00:03:41,340
But I'm not.

98
00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:44,480
Thank God I'm Adam
and I love women.

99
00:03:44,510 --> 00:03:46,850
All women.
All shapes and sizes.

100
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:50,020
I just love 'em.
Love 'em.

101
00:03:50,050 --> 00:03:54,020
Blake asked me the other day
how to spell "if."

102
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:55,460
Gonna trust
that level of smartness

103
00:03:55,490 --> 00:03:56,890
with a multi-thousanddollar corp?

104
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,390
Adam, I think we're done.

105
00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:02,900
Oh, and, Alice, it's...

106
00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:05,230
I-f.

107
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,610
"I," if you didn't know.

108
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,210
I hate my life.

109

00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:20,320

Hey, Alice,
do you have a second?

110
00:04:20,350 --> 00:04:21,520
For you?
No.

111
00:04:21,550 --> 00:04:23,080
Okay, I'll be really quick.

112
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,020
Uh, I put together a binder
of new sales techniques

113
00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:26,650
that I've been using
on my calls,

114
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:28,390
and they've turned out

to be super fruitful.

115
00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:30,690
You know I don't like people
going off my script.

116
00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:33,060
Alice, Mr. Benson's
on the line.

117
00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:34,360
I just think we
could do better.

118
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,560
Please take a look
at my binder.

119
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,530
[Sighs]

120
00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:45,400
All right, I'm pretty sure these
numbers are wildly inaccurate.

121
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,040
But put together a powerpoint,
and I'll look at it or whatever.

122
00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:49,440
Okay. I'll work on it
over lunch.

123
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,840
You're not
gonna be disappointed.

124
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,110
Did you want this, uh,
open or closed?

125

00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:55,280

- Hi, Mr. Benson.
- Did you want this open, or--?

126
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:57,010
Oh, halfway.

127
00:04:57,050 --> 00:04:58,450
Uh, yeah,
did you get those numbers?

128
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,280
Right.
They look good, huh?

129
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,350
Oh!

130
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:05,960
Yeah, but imagine it
way, way hairier.

131
00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:07,960
Oh, man.
That--that's a problem.

132
00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:09,360
- Right?
- Got to see that in person.

133
00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:10,530
Oh, well, well, well.

134
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,660
Look what we got here.

135
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:13,770
Blake schmoozing with the help.

136
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,800
Think your way to the top's

through the bottom, buddy?

137
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,270
I vote wrong.

138
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,770
Adam, I don't want
that stupid promotion.

139
00:05:18,810 --> 00:05:20,310
I already told you.

140
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,440
Yeah, okay, Blake, and your
hair doesn't look like a wig.

141
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,110
Guess what. It does.
Everyone thinks so.

142

00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:26,480

We're all talking about it.
I don't think so.

143
00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:28,950
Let's just consider me having
this promotion locked up.

144
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,820
I just talked with Alice.
It's pretty official.

145
00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:32,520
Tales from
an alternate universe

146
00:05:32,550 --> 00:05:34,690
as told by Adam devine.

147
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,420
I don't know what that means,

Jillian.

148
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,590
It means Anders pretty much
has this sewn up.

149
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,090
Did you see that binder
he showed Alice?

150
00:05:41,130 --> 00:05:43,000
Oh, my gosh.
It had graphs. In color.

151
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:44,460
Wow, color, graphs.

152
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:47,200
I did that when
I was in 11th grade, I think.

153
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,700
Well, it impressed Alice,

154
00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:50,470
'cause she wants to see
a powerpoint right after lunch.

155
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,210
So good for him, right?
Yeah.

156
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,840
Man, I love him.
for he's a jolly good fellow

157
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,280
And nobody can--

158
00:05:58,310 --> 00:05:59,850
nobody--

but I can--

159
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,210
- mm-hmm.

160
00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:02,350
Nobody c-I'll get this.

161
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:06,020
- Okay.
- But I...Can...

162
00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:07,550
I'm gonna look up those lyrics.

163
00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:08,820
- You got it.
- All right.

164

00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,060

- That was good.
- Bye, Blake.

165
00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,520
- Bye, Jillian.
- See you, Adam.

166
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,190
Bye.

167
00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:16,560
So ders is doing
actual work, huh?

168
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,060
That is cheating, dude, right?

169
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,000
We cannot let him
get this promotion.

170
00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:23,370
Um, nope. You're not roping me
into this one, bud.

171
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,640
Blake, you are roped.

172
00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,340
You are fully roped,
young calf.

173
00:06:26,370 --> 00:06:28,640
Could you imagine
ders being your boss?

174
00:06:28,670 --> 00:06:30,740
Actually,
I didn't think of that.

175

00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:32,480

You know, I'm gonna be
a much cooler boss than him.

176
00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:34,080
Executive bathroom?

177
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,010
More like Blake's personal
masturbating chamber.

178
00:06:36,050 --> 00:06:38,050
Oh, I'd like that.

179
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,190
Yeah, me too!
And so it is written.

180
00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:43,320
Let us form an alliance.

181
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,720
Like, uh, Woody
and buzz lightyear, right?

182
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,230
Yeah, okay.
To infinity.

183
00:06:47,260 --> 00:06:48,730
And beyond.

184
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,700
Ah, ha.
That was easy.

185
00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:52,200
Yeah, well, I'm a pushover.

186
00:06:58,790 --> 00:07:00,560
Hey, big guy.

187
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,130
We're about to go out
and get that new,

188
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,200
triple bacon, double mushroom,
Swiss melt burger.

189
00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:05,970
Oh, great. Yeah, that-that sounds good.

190
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,240
I can't go.

191
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:09,140
I got this
lunchtime spinning class

192

00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:10,410

that I'm gonna go to instead.

193
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,640
You know, bust some cardio.

194
00:07:11,670 --> 00:07:13,070
Oh, for sure.
Got to stay tight.

195
00:07:13,110 --> 00:07:14,140
Know what I mean?
Yeah.

196
00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:15,610
- We get that.
- Right.

197
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,550
- Know all about staying tight.
- Right. Got to.

198
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,310
Look a little loose
in the cage, brother.

199
00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:20,510
No, I'm not.
You are.

200
00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:21,820
Hey, we'll let you know

201
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,150
how the triple bacon,
double mushroom,

202
00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:24,950
Swiss melt burger goes.
Great.

203

00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:29,120

All right. It's time
to handle the scandal, Blake.

204
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,920
Yes, and by scandal you mean

205
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,960
triple bacon, double mushroom,
Swiss melt burger.

206
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:35,000
No, right now we have
to ruin ders

207
00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,730
and all that he stands for.

208
00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:39,470
And then get the triple bacon,
double mushroom,

209
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,870
Swiss melt burger.

210
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,470
You don't even
like mushrooms, Blake.

211
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,370
I know.
I get it without mushrooms.

212
00:07:45,410 --> 00:07:47,640
Greetings and welcome.

213
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,940
When I was nine years old,
I took a fishing trip,

214
00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,610

and I was stopped

by a native American man,

215
00:07:51,650 --> 00:07:53,050
and he said, "who--

216
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,580
- what the [Bleep]
Are you talking about?

217
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:57,220
I know that this
is a really big deal for you,

218
00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:58,850
but it's such a minor
part of my day,

219
00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:01,690
so can we please just hurry up?

220
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,390
P.S. Good luck.
I'm rooting for you, stretch.

221
00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:07,030
Thank you. Enjoy.

222
00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:08,260
[Computer beeps]

223
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:10,160
My name is Anders,

224
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,170
and these are my super-weird
ideas for telemericore.

225
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,200
Computers made of-I'm such a weirdo...

226
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,670
Are those-are those your nipples?

227
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,470
What? No!
No, no, no.

228
00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:19,110
No, no, no, they're not.

229
00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:20,710
Is this a joke?

230
00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:22,540
Just...
This isn't--I'm sorry.

231
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,780

It's a malfunction.

232
00:08:23,810 --> 00:08:26,440
Shh! Shh!
It seems like grade-a stuff.

233
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,510
Come back, uh, in 12 minutes.

234
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,280
Look, Anders,
no, just end--

235
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,720
Anders, look,
I have a sense of humor, okay?

236
00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,290
I really do, okay?

237

00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,720

I'm funnier than everyone else
in this office.

238
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,960
It's true.

239
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:40,790
But I laugh when
it's appropriate, okay?

240
00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:43,260
Nights, weekends.
I'll laugh all Sunday long.

241
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,560
I've seen adult swim.
I get alternative comedy.

242
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,400
- Let me just--

- No, we're done.

243
00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:50,030
We're done.

244
00:08:50,070 --> 00:08:51,770
Hey.

245
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,610
With radical change
comes indignation, okay?

246
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,710
Not everyone's gonna get it.

247
00:08:57,740 --> 00:08:59,810
Guess who does get it.

248
00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:01,550
You want to take a guess?

249
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,210
[Sighs]
Do you get it?

250
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:04,250
Yeah, I get it.

251
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,650
I'm gonna go talk to her.

252
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,320
- No.
- I'm gonna make this happen.

253
00:09:07,350 --> 00:09:09,420
- Jillian, don't.
- I'm gonna do it.

254
00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:12,590

Oh, ho ho!

255
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,060
Looks like you're gonna
have a hard time

256
00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:15,830
getting that promotion now,
dude.

257
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,560
Maybe your weird nipples
can put in a good word for you.

258
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,730
Yeah, remember? Because
your nipples were talking.

259
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:22,100
Mm-hmm.

260
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:24,500
Oh, man, we handled you
something fierce.

261
00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:25,740
How's that make you feel?

262
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:26,900
Yeah, honestly, that hurts.

263
00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:29,240
It hurts pretty bad.

264
00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:30,640
I mean, so break something.

265
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,140
Go crazy.
Come on. It's cool.

266
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,950
You know, at the house,
I get it.

267
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:35,250
It's fair.

268
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,680
But when you bring it
into the office,

269
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,020
you're crossing a line, okay?

270
00:09:38,050 --> 00:09:39,620
You're messing with my job.

271
00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:42,520
But if you guys want
to step on me to get ahead,

272
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,490
that's fine, but why would I
want to be your friend?

273
00:09:45,530 --> 00:09:46,930
Anders, it was just
an awesome prank

274
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,100
that was super well crafted.
Thank you.

275
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,470
No, man.

276
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,730
I don't want anything
to do with you guys anymore.

277

00:09:52,770 --> 00:09:55,670

All right? I'm putting my two
weeks in and I'm moving out.

278
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,810
What?

279
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,380
I won't continue
to live in fear.

280
00:10:04,510 --> 00:10:06,810
- Okay.
- Wow.

281
00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:08,380
Ders.

282
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:09,550
Come on, dude.

283
00:10:09,590 --> 00:10:10,620
You can't just move out.

284
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,490
Not without talking about it.

285
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,220
Look, all right,
we took it too far today,

286
00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:15,660
but we're really, really sorry.

287
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:17,460
Right, Adam?

288
00:10:17,490 --> 00:10:18,990
Adam?

289

00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:21,360

Yeah.
I'm so sorry, Anders.

290
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,370
God, I'm sorry.
For what we've done.

291
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,970
Are you serious?

292
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,640
Said we're sorry, dude.
What more do you want?

293
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,570
Is he really moving out
right now?

294
00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:35,380
Yes. This stupid promotion's

gonna cost us our best friend.

295
00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:37,080
And rent split two ways

296
00:10:37,110 --> 00:10:38,850
is, like, three times
more expensive.

297
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,380
Yeah.

298
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:42,820
I think I'm actually
gonna miss him, you know?

299
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,320
We got to get ders
that promotion.

300

00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:48,390

Or we can just
give me the promotion

301
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:52,130
because I'm the best
and ders sucks, right?

302
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,360
No.
We'll blow our interviews.

303
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,730
That way Alice will know

304
00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:57,100
ders is the only man
for the job.

305
00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:59,070
Yes. I like that plan

better than mine.

306
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,340
All right, buzz,
what do you say? To infinity...

307
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,340
I'm Woody.

308
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,770
- Wait.
- What?

309
00:11:03,810 --> 00:11:05,180
No.
No, you're definitely buzz.

310
00:11:05,210 --> 00:11:06,710
- No, I'm Woody.
- No, you're buzz.

311
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,510
- Buzz is the astronaut?
- Tim Allen.

312
00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:11,220
Okay, yeah, I'll be him.
He's cool. Beyond.

313
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:13,490
Actually,
uh, I'm not really cool

314
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,190
with the amount
of responsibility I have now.

315
00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:19,160
So if you wanted
to promote me down a peg,

316

00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:20,690

I'd be cool for that.

317
00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,360
This isn't my style, you know?

318
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,160
Anders would love
something like this.

319
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,900
Something this small.
Of this magnitude.

320
00:11:26,930 --> 00:11:29,970
I'm not sure I would be
the number one pick

321
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,370
to be...
To be a boss around here,

322
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,040
because I think you
would find me snacking a lot.

323
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,140
Did you see the charts?

324
00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:37,510
Have you seen him in a suit?

325
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,010
He's gonna
keep his hair forever.

326
00:11:39,050 --> 00:11:40,710
I was mowing the yard
without tennis shoes.

327
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:43,650

And ders came out

with my tennis shoes.

328
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:44,780
[Imitates flatulence]

329
00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,150
He put them on my feet for me

330
00:11:46,190 --> 00:11:48,320
because I was having
sciatica pain.

331
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,560
This is awesome.

332
00:11:49,590 --> 00:11:50,720
Oh, oh, he's biting my dick!

333
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:51,790

[Laughs]

334
00:11:51,830 --> 00:11:52,990
Choose Anders.
Okay.

335
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,500
Hey.

336
00:11:57,530 --> 00:11:59,100
Yo.

337
00:11:59,130 --> 00:12:00,900
Hi.

338
00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:04,440
So I, uh, got the promotion.

339
00:12:04,470 --> 00:12:06,340
- Yes!

- That's great.

340
00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:08,110
I am so proud of you.

341
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,770
Congratulations.

342
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:11,210
Great.

343
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,440
Alice told me you guys
put in a good word,

344
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,510
so I appreciate it.

345
00:12:13,550 --> 00:12:15,380
Nah, it was all you, buddy.

346
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:18,920
Yeah, we did help out a lot,
but it was you.

347
00:12:18,950 --> 00:12:21,220
So?
Are you still moving out,

348
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:23,260
or are we all good?

349
00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:26,060
[Laughs]

350
00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:28,800
This is just...
I want to savor this.

351
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,800

Um, 'cause this is adorable.

352
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,370
Yeah.

353
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,430
What's adorable?

354
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:35,900
Your tender innocence.

355
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,110
His sweet naivete.

356
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:39,470
What?

357
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:42,610
I was never gonna move out,
you damn fools.

358
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,940
[Laughs]

359
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,750
It's called the long con, okay?

360
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:47,980
You know, it's weird.

361
00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:49,480
For a second,
I thought you guys

362
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,080
were gonna be smart fish,
go under the boat,

363
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,820
but, no, you bit hard.

364
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:54,220
Hook, line, and sinker.

365
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,890
How long have you
been conning us for?

366
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,860
Since, like,
yesterday at 3:00.

367
00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,160
- That's not long.
- Not long.

368
00:13:00,190 --> 00:13:02,230
Well, it's longer than
any con you've ever pulled.

369

00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:03,460

Uh, I've got a con
from last year

370
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,460
you don't even know about.

371
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,070
Ders, you were crying.

372
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,570
Part of the con.

373
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,800
Those were real tears.

374
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,340
- Were they?
- Yeah, they were.

375

00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,310

It's like when you watch
Tupac videos online,

376
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,110
and you're like, "we need
to start making some changes.

377
00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:16,910
Change the way we eat."

378
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,480
Okay, for the record, we do.

379
00:13:18,510 --> 00:13:21,310
And things are gonna start
changing around here

380
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,650
starting tomorrow.

381
00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:31,760
- Did he just-- Yeah, he just Tupac walked us.

382
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:41,720
20 minutes late.

383
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,850
That doesn't make me
look good at all.

384
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,090
Well, you took the car,

385
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,250
so we had to share
my roller blades.

386
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,920
Bosses ride alone.

387
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,560
Nice suit, by the way.

388
00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:52,330
What, did you get drafted
by the Denver nuggets?

389
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,600
Look like you're ready
to sell me a Honda sol.

390
00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:55,730
I'm the senior
sales associate now.

391
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,370
Do you know what that means?

392
00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,400

That means I have jurisdiction

over the have-nots,

393
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,440
the great unwashed, you guys.

394
00:14:02,470 --> 00:14:04,870
I'm your boss.
You have to follow my rules.

395
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,770
Did you wet your hair down
to come talk to us?

396
00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:08,480
- I didn't wet-- No, you did. Obviously.

397
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,750
You obviously did.

398
00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:12,980
Why don't we go to my office,
okay?

399
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,950
You guys can see
my ergonomic keyboard,

400
00:14:14,990 --> 00:14:16,790
my wireless mouse,

401
00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:18,420
and I'm gonna think
of all sorts of thininings

402
00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:19,820
for you guys to do today.

403
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:23,530
Are my worker bees

ready to buzz the hive?

404
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:24,730
Yeah, back and forth.
Short strokes.

405
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,100
Make sure you feel the bristles

406
00:14:26,130 --> 00:14:27,530
massaging the carpet.

407
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,600
That's how you're gonna clean.

408
00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:29,600
Is that a personal call?

409
00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:30,970
Please hang it up.

410
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,670
I've been promoted!

411
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,270
See the suit?

412
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,340
You getting in there?

413
00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,500
Yeah.

414
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:38,570
Come on.
I want to hear it.

415
00:14:38,610 --> 00:14:40,910
Hey, Cynthia.
Is that a personal call?

416
00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:42,440
Please hang it up.

417
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,710
Sit your ass down right now.

418
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,450
Hang it up.
Hang it up.

419
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,020
Great. Thanks.
Any sales today?

420
00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:54,220
I let Cynthia go today.

421
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,530
That was rough.

422
00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:04,440
Oh, guys.

423
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,470
Still working hard.

424
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,470
That shows a lot of fortitude.

425
00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,440
That's gonna go
a long way with me.

426
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,440
Really happy to see this.

427
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:12,810
Oh, hey, Alice.

428
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,950
You see these guys
just slaving away?

429
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,310
Really being team players.

430
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,350
Wow. Yeah.
Nobody cares.

431
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,180
Look, um, the cutco reps

432
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,790
are gonna be here
at 10:00 a.M. Tomorrow,

433
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,390
so I need

the conference room prepped.

434
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:24,660
Right. Okay.

435
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,360
And lay off the styling gel,
Bradley Cooper.

436
00:15:27,390 --> 00:15:30,630
Wow. Bradley Cooper.
Thank you.

437
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:31,630
You hear that?

438
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:34,000
Um, look, to celebrate today

439
00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:36,370

and the long and fruitful

relationship

440
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,840
we're going to have,

441
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,470
I clocked a resie at
a chic little bistro uptown,

442
00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:42,710
so tuck your shirts in.

443
00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:45,910
It's a hip crowd.

444
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:47,150
[Baby cries]

445
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,680

How about that meatloaf, Blake?

446
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,420
Pretty good after
you slather it in ketchup.

447
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,880
Yeah?
Well, chowhound said

448
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,690
it's decadent and moist
enough, so...

449
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,190
They nailed that, man.

450
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,650
Are you guys sure you don't
want any of these egg rolls?

451
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:59,420
They're Texas Mexican.
No. Stuffed, boss.

452
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:01,160
Yeah, let's just get
some more drinks, huh?

453
00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:04,060
That's what I'm talking about.
Garcon?

454
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,930
[Whistles]
Where is this guy?

455
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,930
Yes, sir.

456
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,900

"Sir."
I love this kid.

457
00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:11,800
Uh, first of all, I'd like
to see the chef face to face.

458
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,540
These are the best cajun chicken
niblets I've ever had.

459
00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:16,410
Uh, yeah.

460
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,940
- Great. Hey.
[Whistles]

461
00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:19,780
Um, also, we're gonna
want to get dessert.

462
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:21,810
I'm wondering
which wine pairs best

463
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,880
with the oreo cheesecake.

464
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,420
I don't-I wouldn't know that.

465
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,180
You don't know.

466
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,990
Okay, perhaps you should
send over the house Somalian.

467
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:31,960

Uh, Greg is from Nigeria.

468
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:33,260
No, I don't mean Craig.

469
00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:34,660
I don't see how this helps us.

470
00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:36,730
I just want cheesecake
with a good wine.

471
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,460
Okay, let's skip dessert and
just get some more drinks, huh?

472
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,130
Yeah, we got
some celebrating to do.

473

00:16:41,170 --> 00:16:42,330

Indeed.

474
00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:44,030
So, uh, ders, come on,

475
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,240
tell us what's it like
to be on top of the world.

476
00:16:46,270 --> 00:16:47,510
Honestly, this is great.

477
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,210
I feel terrific.
I look great.

478
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,180
Wearing a suit to the office,
no joke,

479
00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:54,680
it makes you better than
everyone else there.

480
00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:57,320
To our best friend,
who we'll never betray. Ever.

481
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,780
Let's talk business, guys.

482
00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:00,850
Are you guys familiar
with vertical integration?

483
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,860
You got to look
at your bottom line.

484
00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:04,490

There's net,
and there's <i>net</i> net.

485
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,830
Here's the thing.
Now that I'm in charge,

486
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,830
get on my coattails.

487
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,800
You can't be messing around
at the office.

488
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:11,900
I look at it this way.

489
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,270
Promotion, car, wife.

490

00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,630

We're gonna change things up
around the office.

491
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,600
I'm gonna let Alice know
who's in charge now.

492
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,840
Let's keep things the same.

493
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,040
Oh, my God!
What is this?

494
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,110
That's what we call
diversifying.

495
00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:26,750
Do you even know karate?

496
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,350
Two, three...

497
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,550
Get used to this.

498
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:34,050
[Belches loudly]

499
00:17:34,090 --> 00:17:36,220
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

500
00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:39,790
Can a mother[Bleep]
Get the check, please?

501
00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:40,790
Who are you?

502
00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:42,400
You asked to see me.

503
00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:44,000
I made your
cajun chicken niblets.

504
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:46,670
No, no, no.

505
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:49,570
You made my year.

506
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,700
You have a gift.

507
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,710
And a super-dope hat.

508

00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,170

This is cool.

509
00:17:55,210 --> 00:17:58,880
All right, boys.
Let's go.

510
00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:10,690
[Screams]

511
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:20,600
[Screams]

512
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,100
[Grunts]

513
00:18:24,130 --> 00:18:26,630
Hi, are you the locksmith?

514
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,040

I'm glad you think

it's hilarious,

515
00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:29,240
but I need to get it
off my neck!

516
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:32,510
[Screams]
Come on!

517
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,750
Okay.

518
00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:38,380
Looks like we got this
all settled up,

519
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,780
so I'm gonna go ahead
and get two dozen

520
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,420
throwing stars
out to your residence

521
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,490
in bellevue, Nebraska.

522
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,090
You're gonna enjoy that,
Mr. Johnson.

523
00:18:48,130 --> 00:18:50,490
Thank you.
Okay, I love you too. . Thanks.

524
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,660
- Good morning.
- Whoa. You are late.

525

00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,960

Yes, because you stole my car.

526
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,070
Well, bosses ride alone, right?

527
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,670
I'm guessing you guys

528
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:02,140
didn't bring the key to this
to the office.

529
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,070
Uh, no,
actually the key is here.

530
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,070
It's--it's in our cubicle.

531

00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:11,910

Yeah, and you're actually
pretty warm right now, Anders.

532
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:14,580
Both:
Warmer.

533
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,520
Yes. Yes. There we go.
The chase is on.

534
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,420
There you go.
Anders on the hunt.

535
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,020
You are warm.
Search, search, search.

536
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,560

Keeping it warm.

537
00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:23,560
You're a little bit
cooled down.

538
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:25,060
Guys, I have to prep
the conference room

539
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,500
in, like, five seconds.

540
00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:27,770
Dude, you're really close.

541
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,100
Yeah. Keep-believe in yourself.

542

00:19:30,130 --> 00:19:31,100

[Clears throat]

543
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,440
Hey, Alice.

544
00:19:32,470 --> 00:19:34,070
Anders.

545
00:19:34,110 --> 00:19:35,770
Morning.

546
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:38,240
The, um, clients are here.

547
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,950
Yeah. Hey.
Anders holmvic. Welcome.

548
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,380

Interesting name.
Are you Finnish?

549
00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:44,450
No, sir.
I'm just getting started.

550
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,050
[Nervous laughter]

551
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:50,690
Okay, uh, Anders is our
newest sales representative.

552
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,590
So...

553
00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,890
Why don't, um, you go ahead and
head into the conference room,

554
00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:56,730
and I'll meet you there
in just a minute, okay?

555
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,830
Yeah, I was just gonna say
let's go to the conference room.

556
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:00,760
No, you aren't going anywhere.

557
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,170
I just want
to congratulate you, Anders,

558
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,370
'cause you made it
24 whole hours.

559
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,340

Give me the executive

bathroom key now.

560
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:15,740
Anders, you have a...

561
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,680
[Clears throat] A little...

562
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,050
- Yeah.
- ...Bike lock right here.

563
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,680
I know, Jillian.

564
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,650
I could just tell
it was bothering Alice, so...

565

00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:23,850

- Yeah. Great.
- All right.

566
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,320
Thanks a lot.

567
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,290
Okay, you guys have won.

568
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,760
Now please give me the keys.

569
00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:33,100
Both:
Colder.

570
00:20:33,130 --> 00:20:34,760
Colder.

571

00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,430

- Ooh.
- Ice cold.

572
00:20:36,470 --> 00:20:37,870
- Really cold.
- Oh, that is so cold.

573
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,140
Wait a second.

574
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:41,410
If this is the key
to the bathroom

575
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,310
on the bike lock key chain,

576
00:20:43,340 --> 00:20:46,280
then that means
that you just gave away...

577
00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:48,280
Oh, you get it.
Now you get it.

578
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:50,180
He's no dummy.
He's no dummy.

579
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:51,980
We got you, bro!

580
00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:53,820
Those wheels are a-turning.

581
00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:55,220
Ders.

582
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,820
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