Personal Statement Workshop

Personal Statement Workshop
Pathways to College
Annie Liontas, 10/09/07
Personal Statement: Top 10 Rules and Pitfalls

Writing the Personal Statement: Top 10 Rules1
1. Strive for depth rather than breadth. Narrow focus to one or two key themes, ideas or
experiences
2. Try to tell the reader something that no other applicant will be able to say. You want to
establish your voice and identity.
3. Provide the reader with insight into what drives you
4. Be yourself, not the 'ideal' applicant
5. Get creative and imaginative in the opening remarks, and make sure it's something that
no one else could write
6. Address the school's unique features that interest you
7. Focus on the affirmative in the personal statement; consider an addendum to explain
deficiencies or blemishes
8. Evaluate experiences, rather than describe them
9. Proofread carefully for grammar, syntax, punctuation, word usage, and style
10. Use readable fonts, typeface, and conventional spacing and margins
Writing the Personal Statement: Top 10 Pitfalls

1. Do not submit a resume; avoid repeating information found elsewhere on the application
2. Do not complain or whine about the "system" or circumstances in your life
3. Do not preach to your reader. You can express opinions, but do not come across as
fanatical or extreme
4. Do not talk about money as a motivator
5. Do not discuss your minority status or disadvantaged background unless you have a
compelling and unique story that relates to it
6. Do not remind the school of its rankings or tell them how good they are
7. Do not use boring clichd intros or conclusions
o "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is..."
o "This question asks me to discuss..."
o "I would like to thank the admissions committee for considering my application."
o "It is my sincere hope that you will grant me the opportunity to attend your fine
school."
o "In sum, there are three reasons why you should admit me..."
8. Do not submit supplemental materials unless they are requested
9. Do not get the name of the school wrong
10. Do not incorporate technical language or very uncommon words
Stewart, Mark Alan. Perfect Personal Statements. New York: Simon & Schuster Macmillan, 1996.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/642/04/
Personal Statement Checklist2

Pathways to College
What To Include
Be sure to read the question on the application carefully and stick to answering that
question.
Comply with the word and space limitations given in the application; the school uses
them to tell you how deep they want you to go in your analysis and description.
If you have a choice, shorter is better.
Feel free to express your emotions within appropriate limits, even to reveal contradictory
emotions.
Tell what you realized from this event, how it changed you, what it meant to you, why
you find it worth telling.
Let your values, priorities, and character come through, so that the reader hears your
authentic voice from the heart and knows the real you a little better.
Choose one incident, not the entire trip: "The day I trekked in the desert," not, "My six
weeks in Israel."
Offer specific, relevant details: "She was an illiterate, elderly immigrant from
Uzbekistan, but my afternoon with her changed my life," not, "Many unusual people
addressed our group."
Get personal; tell something with deep meaning for you: "I kept thinking, 'My great
grandmother said the same blessing over her Sabbath candles; my great grandfather
prayed these words every morning,"' not, "I enjoyed meeting people from many different
countries."
What Not To Include

Don't list activities and their dates. It's boring and will probably appear elsewhere
on your application anyway.
Don't take on a large subject; keep it small and manageable.
Don't do a humorous essay unless you are sure an adult would find it funny.
Don't try to make the essay for one college fit the question from another college
unless they are truly the same.
Don't use cliches. Try to rework them for more depth and interest:
2
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/personal.html

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Questions to ask yourself before you write:3
What's special, unique, distinctive, and/or impressive about you or your life story?
What details of your life (personal or family problems, history, people or events that have
shaped you or influenced your goals) might help the committee better understand you or
help set you apart from other applicants?
When did you become interested in a particular subject and what have you learned about
it (and about yourself) that has further stimulated your interest and reinforced your
conviction that you are well suited to this field? What insights have you gained?
If you have worked a lot during high school, what have you learned (leadership or
managerial skills, for example), and how has that work contributed to your growth?
Are there any gaps or discrepancies in your academic record that you should explain
(great grades but mediocre LSAT or GRE scores, for example, or a distinct upward
pattern to your GPA if it was only average in the beginning)?
Have you had to overcome any unusual obstacles or hardships (for example, economic,
familial, or physical) in your life?
Advice from the Admissions Counselors4

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At least 2, and sometimes 3, people read each essay. I read them to make the final decision. Our
process works so that each person who reads the application does a written evaluation of what he
or she has read and the written evaluations are not seen by the other reader.
Lee Cunningham
Director of Admissions and Aid
The University of Chicago Graduate School of Business
We're looking for a well-written, detailed essay that responds directly to the question. The
questions are about extracurricular activities, motivation, challenges, commitment to the school
that kind of thing. We see a variety and that's fine. Our approach is very individualized. The way
the applicant devises the answer, determines the length, develops the response, is all part of the
answer. The level of effort applicants put into essays varies considerably, which sends messages
to the admissions committee as well. Over-involved, elaborate essays send one message, while
very brief and superficial essays send another message.
We can tell when applicants use answers to other schools' questions for our essays; we're
sensitive to this. Poorly written essays are a bad reflection on the applicant.
Don't over-elaborate; we're reading a lot of these kinds of essays. Also, don't be too brief or
superficial. We like to have major ideas presented well.
Steven DeKrey
Director of Admissions and Financial Aid
J. L. Kellogg Graduate School of Management (Northwestern University)
We look for some originality because nine out of ten essays leave you with a big yawn.
The common, uninteresting, and unoriginal statement is one that recounts the applicant's
academic pursuits and basically repeats what is elsewhere in the application. You look for
something different, something that will pique your interest and provide I some very unique
insight that will make you pay some l notice to this person who is among so many other qualified
applicants. If you're screening 5,500 applications over a four- or six-month period, you want to
see something that's really interesting.
I would simply say: Do it yourself, be careful, edit it, go through as many drafts as necessary.
And more important than anything: be yourself. Really show your personality.
Dr. Daniel R. Alonso
Associate Dean for Admissions
Cornell University Medical College

Pathways to College
The applicant has to realize, first of all, where he or she stands. If you have a straight-A grade
point average and a perfect SAT score, you don't have to spend a lot of time worrying about your
personal statement. On the other hand, if you know you're in the borderline area, that's where the
personal statement becomes very, very important.
At UCLA, we say, "we know you have lots of extracurricular activitieswe want to know how
you differ, what makes you unique? What can you bring to the first year class that's going to
make you distinctive from the other 99 people who are already there?" What we're looking for is
somebody who, in their personal statement, stands out as being so unusual, so diverse, that
they're extremely attractive for the first-year class. Maybe what's going to make them distinctive
is the fact they spent six months living in a log cabin in Alaska.
Make sure the essay is grammatically and technically correct and well written. Avoid sloppy
essays, coffee stained essays, or ones that are handwritten so you can't read them. You'd be
amazed at what we get!
Michael D. Rappaport
Assistant Dean of Admissions
UCLA School of Law
We are looking for a clear statement that indicates that the applicant can use the English
language in a meaningful and effective fashion. We frankly look at spelling as well as typing (for
errors both in grammar and composition). Most applicants use the statement to indicate their
motivation for medicine, the duration of that motivation, extracurricular activities, and work
experience. So those are some of the general things we are looking for in the Personal Comments
section.
John Herweg
Chairman, Committee on Admissions
Washington University School of Medicine
An excellent source of help is a book available in the Writing Lab (226 Heavilon Hall): Richard
Stelzer's How to Write a Winning Personal Statement for Graduate and Professional School
(Princeton, NJ: Peterson's Guides, 1989). $9.95
The book has guidelines for writing, examples of successful statements, and advice from
admissions officers. This handout summarizes Stelzer's guidelines and contains a few of the
examples he includes of statements and admissions officers' advice.
Sample Essay #25

Pathways to College
Accepted by Cornell
Question: Tell us about an opinion have you had to defend. How has this affected your belief
system?
I chuckle to myself every time I think about this. I am perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent individual
until I mention that I am involved in riflery. It is interesting to watch someone's expression change. It is as
if I instantaneously grew a pair of horns and a sharp set of claws. Believe me this gets worst; I am a
member of the NRA. I try to tell these folks that I belong to the NRA to fire my rifle. "Oh my God! You fire
real guns? with real bullets?!?" they remark with a perplexed look on their face. Besides having horns and
claws, I now possess a tail and leathery wings.
This is how it began five years ago. I had played on a soccer team for several years. As I grew older I
began having difficulty playing soccer because of shortness of breath. I was diagnosed as having mild
asthma which ended my soccer career and eliminated my participation in most physical sports.
Shortly afterward, during a Boy Scout summer camp, I participated in riflery at their shooting range. This
was the first time I had ever touched a firearm. To my amazement, I won the camp's first place award for
marksmanship. I was more than eager when a friend of mine asked me if I would like to join a shooting
club.
My parents were wary when I asked to join the rifle club. My mother feared guns, but my father felt there
was no problem with trying this sport. Gratefully, he gave me the opportunity to try rifle marksmanship,
despite secretly hoping that I would quit. Both of my parents were afraid of what people would think about
their son's involvement with guns.
Like my parents a majority of people believe that all firearms are dangerous to our society. All they
remember are the hysterical news releases of street violence and injured children. I am often asked how
many deer I've shot. Frankly, I could never bring myself to injure another living creature and neither would
most of the competitors I have met. Yet, I keep finding myself defending the sport from all of the
misconceptions that surround it. Most people have developed a negative impression of the sport and I
have found that these prejudices are difficult, if not impossible, to rectify.
Because of this conflict, I have become an open minded individual. I express my opinions without
reservation, and I have learned to accept opinions and viewpoints contrary to my own. I do not intend to
alter what I enjoy because of the ignorance of friends and acquaintances. If people have a negative view
of me simply because of the sport I am active in, then they must be so superficial that they cannot see the
person who I really am. I am no longer apprehensive of being perceived as a gun toting, trigger happy
fanatic, even though I still endeavor to educate my friends and relatives on the beauty of this sport.
http://www.quintcareers.com/collegegate5.html

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Sample College Application Essay #46

Accepted by Wellesley
It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life. She
s the kind of person who has thoughtful discussions about which artist she would most want to have her
portrait painted by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time for her four children, and the kind of
community leader who has a seat on the board of every major project to assist Washington s
impoverished citizens. Growing up with such a strong role model, I developed many of her enthusiasms. I
not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also
came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love,
and spirit.
My mother s enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel. I was nine years old when my family
visited Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip, my older brother Peter and I sat with my
mother on her bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek Gods. Despite the fact that we
were traveling with fourteen-month-old twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened at
sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty ampitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian,
picking out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and inserting our family into modified tales of
the battle at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps later I have come to value what I have
learned on these journeys about global history, politics and culture, as well as my family and myself.
While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally
transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a ten year old, I often
accompanied my mother to (name deleted), a local soup kitchen and children s center. While she
attended meetings, I helped with the Summer Program by chasing children around the building and
performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the floating paintbrush trick, I began work as a full time
volunteer with the five and six year old children last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an exceptionally
strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the end of the summer, I decided to continue my work at
(name deleted) as Jane s tutor. Although the position is often difficult, the personal rewards are beyond
articulation. In the seven years since I first walked through the doors of (name deleted), I have learned
not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of spirit.
Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the raw
experiences I have had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by
watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her
devotion to humanity. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a
hope and life that is truly exceptional. Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother
will always be by my side.
ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE COMMENTS:
The topic of this essay is the writer s mother. However, the writer definitely focuses on herself, which
makes this essay so strong. She manages to impress the reader with her travel experience, volunteer
and community experience, and commitment to learning without ever sounding boastful or full of herself.
The essay is also very well organized.
Sample College Application Essay #47

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Accepted by Harvard
Of all the characters that I've "met" through books and movies, two stand out as people that I most want
to emulate. They are Attacus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird and Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham
from Field of Dreams. They appeal to me because they embody what I strive to be. They are influential
people in small towns who have a direct positive effect on those around them. I, too, plan to live in a small
town after graduating from college, and that positive effect is something I must give in order to be
satisfied with my life.
Both Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham are strong supporting characters in wonderful stories. They symbolize
good, honesty, and wisdom. When the story of my town is written I want to symbolize those things. The
base has been formed for me to live a productive, helpful life. As an Eagle Scout, I represent those things
that Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham represent. In the child/adolescent world I am Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham,
but soon I' ll be entering the adult world, a world in which I' m not yet prepared to lead.
I' m quite sure that as teenagers Attacus Finch and Moonlight Graham often wondered what they could
do to help others. They probably emulated someone who they had seen live a successful life. They saw
someone like my grandfather, 40-year president of our hometown bank, enjoy a lifetime of leading,
sharing, and giving. I have seen him spend his Christmas Eves taking gifts of food and joy to indigent
families. Often when his bank could not justify a loan to someone in need, my grandfather made the loan
from his own pocket. He is a real-life Moonlight Graham, a man who has shown me that characters like
Dr. Graham and Mr. Finch do much much more than elicit tears and smiles from readers and movie
watchers. Through him and others in my family I feel I have acquired the values and the burning desire to
benefit others that will form the foundation for a great life. I also feel that that foundation is not enough. I
do not yet have the sophistication, knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as I want to in the adult
world. I feel that Harvard, above all others, can guide me toward the life of greatness that will make me
the Attacus Finch of my town.
ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE COMMENTS:
This essay is a great example of how to answer this question well. This applicant chose characters who
demonstrated specific traits that reflect on his own personality. We believe that he is sincere about his
choices because his reasons are personal (being from a small town, and so forth). He managed to tell us
a good deal about himself, his values, and his goals while maintaining a strong focus throughout.

Pathways to College
Writing the Personal Statement

1. Brainstorm
If the college application permits you to write on any topic, choose a question from
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Write.
If the application requires that you write on a particular subject, make sure to focus on the
question.
Use photographs & memories to help you recall vivid descriptions.
2. Select Your Topic
Go with what you know (especially if you have the freedom to select a particular
incident)
Begin to write down particular details that relate to the subject/incident.
See
Hear
Smell
Taste
Touch
3. Write!
You are writing a story. This is NOT an essay. Think of your personal
statement as a picture of who you are as a student and person.
A. Introduction: Spend the Most Time on your Introduction.
Expect admissions officers to spend 1-2 minutes reading your essay. You must use your
introduction to grab their interest from the beginning. Reference the Dialogue & Hooks
Sheet. Do not offer any kind of summary in your intro!
Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that

your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the
admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their emotions to make them
relate to your subject matter.
B. Body Paragraphs Must Relate to Introduction.
Your introduction can be original, but cannot be silly. The paragraphs that follow must
relate to your introduction.

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Your body paragraphs should develop and prove your focus. Offer examples, anecdotes,
and reflection.
Use transitions and themes. You must use transition within paragraphs and especially
between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of your essay. Transition is not limited to
phrases like "as a result, in addition, while . . . , since . . . , etc." but includes repeating
key words and progressing the idea. Transition provides the intellectual architecture to
argument building.
C. Conclusions
Conclusions are Crucial. The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or
impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary since the essay
is rather short to begin with; the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote
300 words before. Also do not use stock phrases like "in conclusion, in summary, to
conclude, etc." You should consider the following conclusions:
a. Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion.

b. Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by
reiterating introductory phrases.
c. Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread
appeal.
d. Remember, your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why your little sister died
or why people starve in Africa; you are not writing a "sit-com," but should forge some
attempt at closure.
Diagram of Personal Statement

Hook &
Anecdote/Focus
Development of Ideas
Dialogue/Examples/Anecdotes
Reflection & Broader

Implications

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Personal Statement: Top 10 Rules and Pitfalls

Writing the Personal Statement: Top 10 Pitfalls

Personal Statement Checklist2