Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Famous Insults
Famous Insults
Famous Insults
2) "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
Groucho Marx
3) "Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist
slowly, slowly in the wind."
John Ehrlichman
4) "What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the
bank."
Liberace
10) "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me
as members."
Groucho Marx
12) "I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing
rocks at the stork."
Irving Brecher
13) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
14) "You're a good example of why some animals eat their
young."
Jim Samuels
15) "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
16) "If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the
puppies?"
Charles Pierce
18) "In her single person she managed to produce the effect of
a majority."
Ellen Glascow
19) "I've had them both, and I don't think much of either."
Beatrix Lehmann (watching a wedding.)
21) "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
Mark Twain
23) "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you
here."
Stephen Bishop
24) "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
26) "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me."
Fred Allen
30) "He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate
him."
Eddie Cantor
34) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork."
Mae West
35) "I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the
quickest."
Steven Pearl
36) "I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with
no other provisions in sight."
Mark Twain
37) "Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and
I think it's you."
Groucho Marx
39) "Everyone has his day and some days last longer than
others."
Winston Churchill
42) "Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and
embalm each other."
Neil Simon
44) "You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the
rest of you."
Norm Papernick
45) "You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of
your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear."
Mark Twain
47) "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she
reminds me more of you than you do!"
Groucho Marx
48) "You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the
grave in a Y-shaped coffin."
Joe Orton
49) "Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in
bed at the same time."
Frederic Raphael
51) "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of
conversation but not the power of speech."
George Bernard Shaw
53) "There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
Bette Davis
57) "Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a
misprint."
Mark Twain
60) "That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in
any of them."
Dorothy Parker
66) "She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her
earrings bang together."
John Cantu
68) "She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success
- wrong by wrong."
Mae West
69) "She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell
the others by their hunted expression."
C. S. Lewis
70) "So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."
Alan Bennett
71) "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her
conversation."
Jean Webster
73) "She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it
when it happens."
Michael Arlen
74) "You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck
hunters?"
Groucho Marx
75) "She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of
oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends."
Harold Nicholson
77) "She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave
you with nothing but peanuts and filberts."
Raymond Chandler
80) She could carry off anything; and some people said that she
did.
Ada Leverson
86) "He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces."
Mae West
87) "He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so
he could steal soup."
Wilson Mizner
88) "He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head."
Margot Asquith
89) "I will always love the false image I had of you."
Ashleigh Brilliant
92) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
93) "He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met."
William Faulkner
94) "He was one of those men who possess almost every gift,
except the gift of the power to use" them.
Charles Kingsley
95) "He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a
safety-pin."
Dorothy L. Sayers
99) "He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an
epigram on his tombstone."
Oscar Wilde
105) "Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends
for his life."
Jeremy Thorpe
106) "He could never see a belt without hitting below it."
Margot Asquith
108) "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire."
Winston Churchill
110) "He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered
his soul."
David Lloyd George
114) "He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him."
Herbert Beerbohm Tree
120) "He is so mean; he won't let his little baby have more than
one measle at a time."
Eugene Field
121) "He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his
own grease."
Henry James
124) "He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much
money."
Moliere
126) "He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp."
Kate Cruise O'Brien
127) "He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."
Mark Twain
131) "A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before
you drench it with DDT."
John Carey
136) "Had double chins all the way down to his stomach."
Mark Twain
137) "He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost
fascinating."
Ayn Rand
138) "He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser."
George C. Scott
139) "He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin
prodigiously."
Oliver Goldsmith
140) "He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach
went in for a career of its own."
Margaret Halsey
148) "Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will
look ridiculous year after year."
Fred Allen
151) "His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green
with gall; his tongue drips poison."
John Quincy Adams
154) "His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was
tormented with."
Charles Lamb
157) "I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the
nearest derriere."
Noël Coward
161) "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic
surgeon."
Groucho Marx
166) "She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no
teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin."
Heinrich Heine
167) "She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a
bled pig."
Margot Asquith
168) "She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed
as upholstered."
James Matthew Barrie
169) "She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an
oat bin."
Will Rogers
170) "She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by
her own hand."
Saul Bellow
174) "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?"
Mark Twain
176) "Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a
flashlight."
From "The Greatest American Hero"
179) "A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."
Phillip Marlowe
182) "Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get
rid of the rest of her body."
John Vanbrugh
183) "The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women
who are fatter than she is."
Helen Rowland
184) "Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I
wouldn't want to own one."
W. C. Fields
187) "Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in."
Katharine Whitehorn
188) "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
Elizabeth Taylor
189) "Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to
become as mediocre as possible."
Margaret Mead
194) "Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair."
Josh Billing
197) "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of
any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
198) "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
207) "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let
that fool you. He really is an idiot."
Groucho Marx
209) "He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one."
Earl of Rochester
210) "He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the
slop."
Sydney Smith
212) "He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for
support, not illumination."
Andrew Lang
213) "He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright."
Samuel Butler
214) "He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one
idea and that was wrong."
Benjamin Disraeli
215) "His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's
scarcely a hole in it anywhere."
Mark Twain
218) "His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it."
Heywood Braun
220) "I wish I'd known you when you were alive."
Leonard Louis Levinson
227) "She's descended from a long line her mother listened to."
Gypsy Rose Lee
228) "Stay with me; I want to be alone."
Joey Adams
231) "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the
sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
233) "What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody
cares about? You!"
from "Murphy Brown"
235) "When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?"
David Letterman
237) "You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone
else is driving."
David Letterman
240) "A great many people now reading and writing would be
better employed keeping rabbits."
Edith Sitwell
243) "An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have
someone to look up to."
Gene Fowler
244) "God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the
School Board."
Mark Twain
245) "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should
be drawn and quoted."
Fred Allen
246) "I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse
conditions - the curtain was up."
Groucho Marx
247) "I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man
who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of
money for money's sake."
John D. Rockefeller
248) "If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were
laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."
Dorothy Parker
A. E. Housman
249) "Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were
a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
250) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste
no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
252) "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx