Alone, battling the face of death

21-year old Rebecca Hansfords family unit is broken as she struggles to cope with 3
losses.
By: Rachel Pizzolato
Describing the pain of losing someone so close was not easy. Within seconds
Rebecca Hansfords eyes filled with tears of sorrow, as her eyes changed from white to a
painful color of red, tears storming down her faceyou could tell she was broken up
inside. Trying to find the right words to express her loss, her voice cracks into a highpitched squeal, head tilts towards the ground. Displaying signs of emotional suffering
was not something Rebecca ever showcased. Her bubbly personality was the forefront of
who she was, but inside she was hurtingbad.
When does this end? When can I feel okay again? Rebecca sits patiently, nervous
about speaking on topics that are normally left unspoken, her hands quenching onto a
water bottle. From the looks of it, she appears as if she is ready to go run a marathon
based upon her choice of attireall black LuLu Lemon from head to toe, paired with
neon Nike sneakers. But no, Rebecca unknowingly signed up for a much needed therapy
session.
Suffering from anxiety is just one of those minor problems that interferes with her
life. It is the constant run of emotions that she endures daily from the loss of three people
she was once surrounded and loved by for nineteen years. But the one that hits her
hardest is the loss of her mom.
Rebecca was just your ordinary teenager when she lost her mom to cancer three
years ago. At 21 years old, she is trying to make sense of her lifeher purposebut
struggles without the guidance of her mother. But she is not alone. Research shows that

one in seven Americans lose a parent or sibling before the age of 20. And they are left
alonegrieving all sorts of emotions in a time when they need their loved one most.
But it was the little things about her mom that Rebecca missed the most. The
daily text messages she received, signed with her moms name at the bottom of the
message as if she didnt already know who it was from no longer flooded her inbox. Her
closet stands bare, as she no longer has her shopping companion to indulge her. And
worst yet, she doesnt have her biggest cheerleader to lift her up when she is downand
moments like this are when she needs her the most.
It has been three long years since Rebeccas mom unexpectedly passed from
sarcomaa rare form of cancer. When her mom first became aware she had this deadly
disease, Rebecca was just a year old. The doctors gave her one-year to live. Within that
same year she filed for divorce, moved in with her parents, underwent her first surgery,
and started dating her boyfriend of 17 years. This boyfriend, Paul, played the role of a
father to Rebecca and her brother. Though her mom refused to marry him.
Sitting on the side of her moms deathbed, watching her mom welt away as she
was hooked up to machines that gave her life, Rebecca recalls a defining moment. I
asked her if she loved my dad, she replied, Yeah. I asked her if she loved Paul and she
didnt say love, she said liked. The stress of cancer led to her parents divorced, but their
love for each other remained throughout the years.
It was this moment that eternally changed the relationship Rebecca and her
brother shared with the man who raised them. The man who lived under the same roof as
them for 17 years and formed a special bond with her mother. But it seemed liked that
was all it wasa relationship with her mombecause after her passing Paul moved out.

His whereabouts remain unknown and Rebecca struggles to comprehend how someone
could just leave them like that. She writes her thoughts down in an email to Paul, hopeful
he will respond and they can mend their broken ties. But for some strange reason the
email kept bouncing back. Rebecca took it as a signdo not bother.
Constantly coping with the losses of her loved ones everyday, Rebecca finds
ways to deal with such hardship. She finds liberation in going to the gym daily, sweating
out her emotions. She has since moved in with her dad and their bond grew stronger than
she ever knew was possible. Her smile still remains big, bright and beautiful but inside
she is still hurtinghoping that time will heal her wounds.
It was those life-altering moments that her mom is supposed to be here to
witness that eat at her. She wont be here, Rebecca bursts out in tears, to see me walk
down the aisle. To be a grandma to my kids. But the memories she holds close to her
heart were not had during her moms last few months. I should have been there more,
Rebecca admits.
It wasnt until she was in the seventh grade that Rebecca realized what cancer
wasor that her mom was battling this disease. She often thought, Oh my moms just
getting another surgery. Her mom would recover within weeks and go back to the
normal life they shared together. But something was different this time. It was September
of 2011 and her mom found out her cancer resurfacedonly this time, it was worse than
ever. Her usually surgery wouldnt cut it. She had to go through chemotherapy for the
first time in the 18-year period that she battled cancer. But the weeks of recovery, turned
into months. And her mom was only getting worse.

It was hard for Rebecca to go into the hospital and see her mom hairless,
weightless and helpless on a bed. Those arent the memoires she wanted to have. The
fact that her mom was nearing the end of her life didnt seem apparent to Rebecca. But
she dealt with it in her own way, often calling her mothers hospital room, speaking on the
phone with her for hours upon end, instead of witnessing her illness first-hand.
But the one thing she did have to witness first-hand was the downfall of her
brother. It should have been you that died, Rebecca recalls telling her brother Michael
out of anger and frustration that has built up inside of her in recent years. What pisses
me off most is that my moms life got taken from cancer, and my brother is ruining his
life. Its not fair. Referring to her brothers addiction to drugs, Rebecca feels like she lost
a brother as well.
Witnessing her brother lying lifeless on the floor of his bedroom, facing upward
with a needle sticking out of his arm, is a sight she will never forgetor miss.
Scrambling to call the ambulance as the fate of her brother lies in her own hands is an all
too familiar scene. She just wants her brother backthe one she loved, the person she
looked up to. She misses his creative creations in the kitchen at 2 a.m. when the rest of
the household was asleep and they cooked up a feast of her favorite buffalo chicken
quesadillas while chatting about life. But the bad times seem to outweigh the good as she
lives in constant fear that her brother is going to take his last breath.
As fucked up as it is, knowing that hes in jail gives me a peace of mind,
Rebecca says with a sense of relief. One thing she doesnt miss is the countless, sleepless
nights she spent listening to her brother stumble up and down the stairs as he made way
to the front door, chain-smoking cigarettes throughout the night, going into the kitchen,

slamming cabinets in search for food and drinks. And when there was no sound coming
from him, the thought of him being dead crossed her mind.
This wasnt the brother Rebecca knew and loved. But she felt helpless. She
watched him come in and out of rehab over 20 times, remaining hopeful that her brother
would come back sober. She was wrong. His inner demons got the best of him every
time.
At one point it seemed like Michael had it all. As an honor roll student
throughout high school, he took his talents to Ramapo College to play baseball after
being offered a full ride. He had the choice of putting a glove on his hand or putting a
needle in his arm and he chose to put a needle in his arm, their tough-loving father, Mike
Hansford explained. He only made it through two years of college before his addiction
fully controlled him and his life. The following years were spent doing drugs, getting
arrested, eating, smoking, and sleeping. After being arrested nearly four times within a
five-year time frame, Michael was supposed to be headed to jail. The only thing that
stopped him was his sister. Worried for her brother, she wrote a letter to the judge in
support of him, explaining that her brother was not a bad person but an addict who
needed help. In the midst of this, their mom was going through chemotherapy for the
very first time. The familys attention shifted from Michael being a priority, to their mom
and that did not sit well with him.
It was like he was crying out for attention and help, yet no one could help him
but himself says her father. He was a mommas boy, yet no longer had his mom too
support him. And his fathers tough loving persona is not as sympathetic as his mothers.
The few times when Michael is sober, he crumbles at the thought of not having her

something he has never had to face due to his constant high. He sits alone in his room
when he doesnt have money to get high because he cant deal with it, her father says.
Theres nothing in the world like having a mother. The hardest part about losing
my best friend and sister was watching her kids suffer. I just want them to feel as much
love as their mother would give them, explains Rebeccas aunt, Cindy Foglia.
And while Rebeccas life has been nothing short of a nightmare in recent years,
she still remains hopeful. Hopeful that her brother will come out of jail and remain sober
after violating his probation. Hopeful that her mother is looking down at her, proud at the
person she has become. Hopeful that her mom will guide her to find a purpose in life, as
she no longer attends school. And thankful that her aunt and father have been there to fill
the void of her missing mother.

SourcesRebecca Hansford: 908-229-8748

Cindy Foglia: 908-720-0374
Mike Hansford: 609-226-4628