Oct.

6,2015
ToErrisHuman,ToForgive,Divine

In1969Dr.ElisabethKblerRosspublishedherbookOn
DeathandDying,whichincludedhereponymousmodelexploring
grief.AccordingtoKblerRoss,afteranindividualexperiences
thedeathofalovedone,hecanexpecttogothroughfivestages
ofgrief:denial,anger,bargaining,depression,andacceptance
(176178).Whilethesestagescreateaclearprogressionfrom
darknesstolight,truehumanemotionsareneverthisneat.As
AlisonWertheimernotesinher2001bookASpecialScar:The
ExperiencesofPeopleBereavedbySuicide,incrediblytraumatic
losses,suchasdeathbysuicide,canchangethegrievingprocess
unpredictably(149).Theseeffectscanbeseeninthememoirsof
NickFlynn.Flynnsmotherkilledherselfwhenhewas19years
old,andhismemoirsAnotherBullshitNightinSuckCityandThe
TickingistheBombexploretheirreparableeffectsofherdeath.
OnlyafterNickwitnesseshisstepfatherseekforgivenessfor
hisroleintheVietnamWarcanNickbegintoforgivehimselfand
hismotherforhersuicide.
PriortohistriptoVietnam,Nickwaspsychologically
unabletomoveonfromhismothersdeath,primarilybecauseof
hisunresolvedguiltandunansweredquestions.Wertheimer
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contextualizeshisguiltwhenshesuggeststhatsurvivorsmay
attempttoavoidfeelingsofhelplessnessandabandonmentby
decidingthattheymusthavebeenresponsibleforthesuicide
(118).ThroughoutNickslifethesefeelingsofguiltmanifestas
hetriestosavesymbolsofhismothertheboat,thehousein
upstateNewYork,Anna,thehomelessmenatthePineStreetInn.
ThisreoccurringneedtosavetheunsalvageablepreventsNick
fromtrulyacceptinghismotherssuicide.Furthermore,heis
plaguedbytheonesmallquestionhismothercannotanswer:why
shekilledherself(Flynn51).Hispursuitofthisanswerless
questionreconnectshimwithhisfather,inspireshimtocreatea
movieaboutherlife,andeventuallytakeshimtoVietnam.In
severalways,Nickslifedependedsoheavilyonhismothers
deaththathehadfewopportunitiestodefinehimselfoutside
thattragedy.HisjourneytoVietnamwithTravislightsanew
pathtoforgivenessandeventualacceptance.
AsTravisseeksforgivenessforhistransgressionsin
Vietnam,Nickseesconnectionstohismotherthatallowhimto
moveonfromhersuicide.WhileinVietnam,Travisundergoesa
remarkabletransformationfromdarknesstolight.Hebeginsthe
tripsearchingforagun,asymbolofprotectionfromhispast
deeds.However,heendsthejourneyvulnerableandkneeling
beforeoneofhis(Americas)victims,seekingforgiveness.For
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him,thisendsdecadesofselftortureandguilt.ForNickit
somehowrepresentsmore.Basedonthedetailsheprovides,Nick
clearlyseeselementsofhismotherinthismoment.Thewomanin
thefieldismaybeinherearlyforties,theagewhenNicks
motherdied(225).Nickunderscoredthepsychological
significanceofthisageasthesameagemyparentshadbeen
whentheyimploded(7).However,notonlyisthiswomanatthat
criticalage,sheisalsosittinginafieldwherethousands
died.Yetagain,Nickfindshimselfatthesiteofatragedy,a
clearparalleltohistripswithhismotherthatwouldendwith
firetrucksandaneighborspersonaldisaster.Eventheline
fromSongofMyselfconnectstohismother.Justasthiswoman
sitsontheuncuthairsofgravesbelowher,Nicksjourneyis
thegrassthatgrewfromtheseedthatwashismothersdeath
(225).Allofthesesubtleimagesandconnectionsintroduce
Nicksmotherintothescenewithoutsomuchasmentioningher.
ForNick,thismomentbetweenTravisandthewoman
representstwoactsofforgiveness:Nickforgivinghismotherfor
notgivinghimanexplanationandNickforgivinghimselffornot
savingher.Inbothscenarios,thewomanrepresentsNick.Though
shemightseemmoreconnectedtohismother,Nicksharesherneed
toforgiveandmoveon.ThirtyyearsaftertheMyLaimassacre,
thiswomanstillsitsonthegravesofherneighborsandfamily
3

members,tendingtheuncuthairofgraves.Shehasnotbeen
abletomoveonfromthistragedy.Similarly,Nicksjourneyto
Vietnamisadirectresultofhisunresolvedfeelingsabouthis
motherssuicide.Hishomemovieaboutherlifeleadsthe
documentarydirectortohimandTravis.
Additionally,NickandthewomaninMyLaishareamorespecific,
symbolicburden:theweightoftheirmothers.WhenNickmentions
thatthewomanhadsurvivedthemassacrebyhidingbeneaththe
bodyofherdeadmother,heleavesametaphoricalelement
understated(225).Bothchildrenexperiencedthesudden,
traumaticdeathsoftheirmothers,andyearsaftertheir
respectivetragedies,neitherhasstoppedcarryingtheburdenof
thosedeaths.
Conversely,TravisrepresentsbothNickandhismother.
BeforetheyevenreachthefieldinMyLai,Nicklaysthe
groundworkforthisduality.TravisisnotonlyNicksclosest
connectiontohismother,butalsoastandinforher.Ofallhis
mothersrelationships,theonewithTraviswasthemostenduring
andstable.ThisallowedNicktobondwithTravis,thoughhedid
notseehiminaparentalcapacity.Instead,NickviewedTravis
asawild,olderbrother,whichallowedhimtoseehimselfin
Travis(221).Whenthedocumentarydirectortracksthemdown,a
fathersondynamicbeginstoform.Becausethedocumentary
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focusesonwartraumapassedonthroughgenerations,Nickis
forcedtoviewTravisthroughaparentallens(222).Thoughthey
havethisnewfacettotheirrelationship,NickandTravisstill
shareimportantcommonalities.Wertheimernotesthatsurvivors
oftenseethemselvesashavingasharedidentitywithothers
similarlybereaved(96).ForNickandTravis,thisshared
identityrevolvesaroundtheunresolvedguilttheyfeeltoward
Jodyssuicide.Alloftheseelementscoalescetocreatea
complexrelationshipthatcannotbeeasilydefined.However,Nick
clearlyseeshimselfandhismotherinTravisandthisadds
significancetothatpivotalsceneinMyLai.
NickstriptoVietnamdoesnotconcludehissearchfor
answers;instead,itsimplychangeshowandwhereheseeksthose
answers.Wertheimercontendsthatcontinuedandendless
searchingcanpostponeorprolongthegrieving(234).Thisis
evidentinthetenyearsfollowingJodysdeath.Nickis
literallyandmetaphoricallyadrift,livingonaboatthat
representshismotherandlookingforanswersinherexlovers
andestrangedfather.However,Vietnamchangeseverythingfor
Nick.Heacknowledgesthiswhen,severalyearslater,hetells
Travisthatthewomansforgivenesswasutterlytransformative
forhim(231).Afterthismoment,Wertheimersstatementno
longerappliestoNick.HehaswitnessedTravisjourneyfrom
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darknessandguilttolightandredemptionandunderstandsthat
hecandoittoo.Whilehemovedofftheboattenyearspriorto
hisjourneytoVietnam,hehadyettoanchorhimself;inmany
wayshewasstilladrift.Butthreeyearsafterhistripwith
Travis,hefinishesAnotherBullshitNightinSuckCity.Hesells
theboat.HecommitstothehouseinupstateNewYork.Most
important,hebeginstoexaminehisownlifeandactionsinstead
oflookingforthosecriticalanswersinotherpeople.Finally,
hecandevelophisidentity.Hewillnotcompletelyforgive
himselfandhismotheruntilLuluarrivesseveralyearslater,
buttheconversationbetweenTravisandthewomaninMyLaiis
thecatalystNickneedstofindtherightpathtoacceptance.
ThroughoutAnotherBullshitNightinSuckCityandThe
TickingistheBomb,Nickreturnstothistumultuousrelationship
withhismotherandherdeath.FollowingJodyssuicide,Nick
driftedforyears,unabletoreachthatelusivefinalstageof
KblerRosssgriefmodel.Finally,NickwitnessesTravisseek
forgivenessforhisactionsinVietnam,andbeginstoforgive
himselfandhismotherforhersuicide.Thismomentbreaksthe
aimlesscyclehehadlivedinsincehismotherdied.Then,Nick
embarksonatenyearodysseythatwilleventuallyleadhimto
acceptance,forgiveness,andLulu.Alongtheway,hetakesonone
lastHerculean,butinevitable,task:forgivinghisfather.Since
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thesummerafterhismothersdeath,Nickhadbeensetting
himselfupforthischallenge.WhenhewenttoworkatthePine
StreetInn,heknewhisfathermightshowup.BydatingEmily,he
keptthatconnectiontoJonathanalive.Onlyafterhebeginsto
forgivehimselfandhismothercanNickaddresstheunresolved
issueswithJonathan.Insomeways,Jodysabandonmentwasworse
thanJonathans.JonathanleftbeforeNickbecameattached;Jody
leftpermanentlyandwhenshewasallNickhad.Byrealizingthat
hecanforgivehismother,Nicktakesanimportantsteptoward
alsoforgivinghisfather.

WorksCited
Flynn,Nick.TheTickingIstheBomb:AMemoir.NewYork:W.W.
Norton,2010.Print.

KblerRoss,Elisabeth."OnDeathandDying."Journalofthe
AmericanMedicalAssociation221.2(1972):17479.Web.

Wertheimer,Alison.ASpecialScar:TheExperiencesofPeople
BereavedbySuicide.Philadelphia,PA:Taylor&Francis,
2001.Print.