Running head: Theory

Raquel Munoz
HD 341
M. Clark
April 6, 2015
Theory Paper

Running head: Theory

The books- Difficult Conversation, The New Peoplemaking, and Nonviolent

Communication were very interesting in reading. As I never put in thought I would learn how to
have effective communication with others. This class has help me a lot in how to be a better
communicator (sender and receiver), listener, and how to better use my words by inputting
"and" instead of "but" and using "Do you mean". As I use "Do you mean" more frequently is
seems to be working as I get more clarification and understanding from the other person getting
their point across. As I read the three books, each book had something interesting to say and
stood out to me. I will be describing the following themes from each book that has help me
change my communication style:
Difficult Conversations How To Discuss What Matters (1991)
We converse with others all the time. Some conversations being more difficult than
others. "A difficult conversation is anything you find it hard to talk about" (Stone, Patton, Heen.
1991 introduction). As discuss from the book, a difficult conversation really has three
conversation in itself. The "What Happen?"conversation, the "Feeling" conversation, and the
"Identity" conversation. As we are all humans, our feelings and emotions sometimes takes the
best out of us and we don't think about the consequences that might follow. Assuming, blaming,
avoiding, or having the feeling of being the victim will not help the conversation nor the other
person of the conversation to change his/ her mind. We must be open- minded and
understand the errors to better approach the situation. The "What Happen", in any difficult
conversation, there must have been a disagreement of some sort, blaming, or who wants to be
right, as we all think we are right. We must first analyze the situation without putting our
assumptions and feelings in the situation. To really think of what is the truth importance of the

Running head: Theory

conversations. "Focusing instead on understanding the contribution system allows us to learn

about the real cause of the problem, and to work on correcting them", (Stone, Patton, Heen. 1991
p.12). The "Feeling" conversation, we must avoid putting our feelings into the conversation as
others might not care for them as well as separating our feelings will make it easier to focus on
what the point of the conversation is. The "Identity" conversation, is what makes us talk to
ourselves (our inner self) and makes us think if we are competent or not. Our decisions will
determine if we feel a balance during the conversation. "Instead of wanting to persuade and get
your way, you want to understand what has happened from the other person's point of view,
explain your point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way
to manage the problem going forward" (Stone, Patton, Heen. 1991 p.16). This book has made me
understand and put my feelings aside to be able to "listen" to the other person first.
The New Peoplemaking (1988)
Virginia Satir examines the way families influence our feelings and behaviour and how
self- esteem is develop when growing up. Educating families can make a real difference.
Developing high self-esteem in individuals is something that many families are unable to foster
in themselves or their children. "Self-esteem is the ability to value one's self and to treat oneself
with dignity, love and reality. Anyone who is loved is open to change.(Satir. 1988 p.22) As
people grow through life and your self-esteem is high, good relationships form, grow and
flourish as to if your self-esteem is low, then you don't expect anything from relationships and
life itself. "When people feel they have little worth, they expect to be cheated, stepped on, and
depreciated by others. This opens the way to becoming a victim (Satir. 1988 p.22)". "When one
cares for oneself, one will not do anything to injure, degrade, humiliate, or otherwise destroy
oneself or another, and will not hold others responsible for one's actions" (Satir.1988 p.33).

Running head: Theory

Meaning, if we care for ourselves, we would not destroy ourselves physically and emotionally
nor harm the life's of others.
Nonviolent Communication (2003)
This book has a meaningful topic as it reflects on having compassion to others in order
to have a non violent communication. As we all have different characteristics,- comparing, and
judging are some words that can block a person from having compassion. NVC focuses on four
areas- what are we observing, feeling, needing, and what are we requesting. When we are in a
situation, we first need to observe without evaluating. This is the hardest part because when we
evaluate, we are already judging and criticizing. Observing the facts, is what's important. After
observing, we need to express our feelings. Expressing our feelings without blaming anyone and
letting the other person know how you feel will better help fix the situation as you allow yourself
to be vulnerable. After observing, and expressing your feelings, we must express our needs.
Majority of the time, our needs are not acknowledge. "When others hear criticism, they tend to
invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our
feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately" (Rosenberg, 2003. p.
61). The last component is our request. This can be difficult to express as some people may take
it as you being demanding. Having a clear response of what we want will help the other person
understand our needs. "In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we
simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and request. Then we may wish to reflect
back, paraphrasing what we have understood. We stay with empathy and allow others the
opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or request for
relief" (Rosenberg. 2003. p.104).

Running head: Theory

References

Stone, D., & Patton, B. (1999). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. New
York, N.Y.: Viking.

Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Mountain View, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books.

Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication a language of life (2nd ed.). Encinitas, CA:
PuddleDancer Press.