THE WEATHER

SHOWERS
TODAY & TOMORROW

The Mayberry Gazette

MAY 1963
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NEWS OF THE WORLD

Vol. XVII, No. 32

THE PEOPLES VOICE

SEVEN CENTS

Bogus Miracle Elixir

Yelper Arrested
By Jessica Dorothy
A tussle broke out in
Aunt Bees restaurant
last night. Sheriff
Andy Taylor was call
to the restaurant to
settle
the
brawl
between Aunt Bee
and a patron. It
started when the
customer gave Aunt
Bees peach pie 2 stars
on Yelp with a review
stating the service
was slow and the pie
was over priced at 15
cents a slice. Aunt
Bee, upset, shoved the
rest of the pie in the
Yelpers face! Sheriff
Taylor took the Yelper
off to the poky and
locked him up for
being an entitled selfproclaimed
Yelp
critic. Aunt Bees
restaurant
will
reserve the right to
refuse service to all
Open Table, Yelp, and
Trip Advisor critics.

Ladies H Church
Committee Goes To Jail!

A woman in the
barber shop doing
mens nails!

By Antoinette De Alba

By Bethanie Blanchard

On a gloomy day in May, Augusta Finch passed away

leaving our small town of Mayberry distraught, feeling
the delicateness of how fragile life is. Later that day, a
man from out of town calling himself Colonel Harvey
brought back some hope to residence for $1. Colonel
Harvey was selling his Indian Elixir claiming it brings
hope to heart of anyone who drinks it and puts a skip
in their step! A local resident, Aunt Bea, purchased 2
bottles and so taken by Harveys charm, she invited
him to dinner. Sheriff Andy
Taylor, who lives with Bea,
arrived home with Deputy
Barnie Fife finding Bea
playing the piano and
claimed he had not seen
her do this in years. Fife
observed Beas behavior as
tipsy. Due to this, Fife ran
a sample of Harveys
Indian Elixir to Doc
Andrews for analyzation.
Bea invited Harvey to
address the Ladies H Church Committee the following
day. Taylor received the results from Andrews Lab and
found that the elixir was 85% alcohol. Taylor found all
the ladies sloshed at the meeting and notified them
they purchased alcohol! They were horrified and
where taken to jail for their safety. Bea knew then this
charming man was dishonest! Harvey was arrested
and the woman were set free, once sober. The women
thanked Taylor and Fife for always keeping an eye out
on all the residence of Mayberry.

This morning as all the

men sat around the local
barber shop we saw this lady
get off the bus, with all her
bags in hand and a big smile
on her face. She walked right
up to the shop as if she had
been working there for
years. She sat up her station
and kindly giving us a warm
smile. The Sheriff went first
and said "It was great! It
didn't hurt a bit! In fact it
kind of tickled!" From there
more and more men started
to get in line to get their nails
done. Some men needed to
be convinced a little more
than others. Come to find
out the ladies of Mayberry
don't like their husbands
getting their nails done and
especially by a women! Even
with this news Mayberry still
has the small town face,
personality, and heart! We
will keep you updated!

Mayberry Gazette

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Stuck in the Muck!

Mayberry Historical A scary night
Society Annual
Fundraiser burgled! By John Sneed
By Amber Garrett
Yesterday was the festival
for the Mayberry Historical
Society. The whole town
turned out to enjoy the
festivities while raising
money
to
erect
the
Founding Fathers statue in
front of Town Hall. The
town raised the goal
amount of $10,000.00 for
the statue, but last night
their office was burglarized
and the money was stolen.
A town Deputy responded
to a 911 call from Harry
Dickens who was walking
his dog and heard the sound
of breaking glass. This
morning we talked to
Jimmy
Rae
Dawson,
Mayberrys Fire Chief and
the artist who will be
creating the statue. They all
said, Cant wait till they
catch the bugger, who
would do such a terrible
thing!

for the Abcocks.

Last night one our new neighbors, Billy and Daisy Abcock went through a
traumatic event. The Abcocks recently joined us from the Deep South where
they live just seven miles out of Mayberry city limits. Their first week in the
area may be one to remember. Both the sheriff and the fire department
where on hand to help out the Abcocks in their dark hour. What was it that
happened, you might ask? Mrs. Abcock slipped off the toilet seat and into
the toilet during the night and could not make it out despite her efforts. Here
is what Billy had to say
about the experience,
"Boy I tell you what,
that sure was a scare
Daisy got during the
night. She use the
latrine and made a big
splash! Is just about
to come up with a
witty jab on her bowel
movements when she
started
hollering!
Somehow she was just
small enough to slip in
but too big to come
out. I grabbed her by
the hand and pulled with all I had. Thought I might rip her arms out before
we got my Daisy out of there. We called the sheriff and apologized for the
late manner of our call but Is all worked up over the situation. Luckily he
knew what to do and had the fire department come by with some huge medal
contraption to get her out, I think they called them the Jaws of Life."

Master Chef Junior winner revealed!

By Adrienna Agasi
Today, the winner of Master Chef Junior was revealed. The winner was
none other than our hometown hero, Opie! He swept the competition with
his take on a traditional breakfast. After years of trying to perfect his toast
and boiled eggs, he made his breakthrough on the finale of the show! Mr.
Andy Taylor shared his thoughts on his sons magnificent achievement, My
boy, Opie, did a phenomenal job on his appearance on Master Chef Junior! I
remember the first time he made this dish, and it didnt turn out so hot! Im
so proud of my boy! Mayberry will host a parade this coming Saturday at 9
am to commemorate Opies achievement. We hope to see you all there!

Mayberry Gazette

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Threes company
The family of gave 9 lives!
By Lonnie Barton
You heard it here first our town of Puckerville has some new
residents. Not 1, not 2, but 3 beautiful little babies. Proud parents Mary
Beth Sue and
Larry Butch
Paul Dunlap
are excited to
bring home
their bundles
of joy where
they will meet
their
4
brothers and
2 sisters. The
Dunlap clan
is
growing
quickly. The
excitement all
started
as
Mary
Beth
was out front
on her porch tending to her silver medal county fail award winning
Daisys and Dandelions when she began feeling some pain. She hoot
and hollered for Butch out back to help her as she could hardly stand.
Butch wasted no time and sprang into action loading her up in their 4wheeled truck. Man she was harder to get up on to that truck than I
thought said Butch. As they raced down Main Street to the town
hospital where they barely made it; her water had broken - these 3 little
biscuits wanted out! Marty Beths third cousin Skeet told us that the 3
babies are as beautiful as his grandmas pumpkin pie. Skeet said Im
so excited I could spit.

Mayberry Historical
Society Annual
Fundraiser burgled!
By Amber Garrett
Yesterday was the festival for the
Mayberry Historical Society. The
whole town turned out to enjoy the
festivities while raising money to
erect the Founding Fathers statue
in front of Town Hall. The town
raised the goal amount of
$10,000.00 for the statue, but last
night their office was burglarized
and the money was stolen. A town
Deputy responded to a 911 call
from Harry Dickens who was
walking his dog and heard the
sound of breaking glass. This
morning we talked to Jimmy Rae
Dawson, Mayberrys Fire Chief
and the artist who will be creating
the statue. They all said, Cant
wait till they catch the bugger, who
would do such a terrible thing!

Hometown Hero Returns

By Robert Smith
Hometown Hero John Reece returned this summer upon request from Principal Wood Head. Reece
graduated from Mayberry High School 8 years ago with scholarships to Harvard, Stanford, MIT and many
other schools both for his part in leading the school to several football state championships. He also achieved
ground breaking research on optics that has allowed for NASA to currently be able to further out into space
than they have ever been able to see before. Principal Woodhead has asked Reece to come back to be the
football coach head of the gifted science program at Mayberry High. Reece having made millions of dollars
with his patents and endorsements donated over $500,000 to the science program and has agreed to come
back to coach and teach for the generous salary of $1 a year. Mr. Reece welcome back.

Mayberry Gazette

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Family Dog saves Sheriff

Animals Found Out to

be Leading Double
Lives
By Corey Mark

For the past several months

Mayberrys farmers have reported their animals are
nowhere to be found at night. Though the animals
reappear every morning unharmed. The only evidence
of wrong doing is the animals are covered in multi
colored paint and glitter. Growing more and more
frustrated, Clancy Hadley decided in the cover of
darkness he was going to keep a watchful eye on his
herd. Around 9:30P.M. Hadley grew tired and decided
to call it a night. When he started for his front door he
noticed his herd had gathered by the gate of their pen.
Then suddenly his prize cow, Gerty, lifted the latch of
the gate and shoved it open. Hadley watched in shock
and amazement as his herd started filing out of the pen.
Without thinking Hadley began to follow the herd as if
someone else was working his legs. After pursuing the
animals for about a mile, they arrived at the abandoned
Wilkinson farm and watched as his animals and
neighboring farm animals packed into the old barn and
shut the doors. In disbelief he sat and stared at the
barn, then he noticed a strobing light in one of the barn
windows. Clancy made his way over to the window and
wiped to dust and dirt away so he could peek in. Even
with the strobing light he could not see much besides
all the animals shuffling around as one. It wasnt until
when the first beat dropped the barn lights, strobes and
lasers lit up the entire interior. Thats when he came to
the realization that Mayberrys farm animals have been
throwing barn raves for the past several months.

Are you going bald? Buddy Sorrell

reveals solution on T.V.!
By Flor Lagunas
Our very own Buddy Sorrell makes an appearance
on today's popular show, Shark Tank as he pitches
his latest invention to solve men's balding issues.
What is his solution you ask? A uniquely
constructed strip of skin toned rubber (that glues to
your balding areas) containing thin strands of fur
derived from an ox's rear end! That's right folks,
Buddy has found the solution to every mans
inevitable nightmare. Best friends, Robert Petrie
and Sally Rogers will be joining Buddy on his
entrepreneurial mission on "Shark Tank" tonight at
8 PM EST and you won't want to miss it. Buddy
says, "This special invention was designed in honor
of my least favorite person on earth, Mel Cooley.
Poor guy I've been picking on him so many years,
figured I'd create a solution for that baldy." Will one
of the Sharks offer Buddy a deal? No one knows for
sure but who knows, maybe Mr. Wonderful will
become a customer!

Family Dog saves Sheriff

By Briana Ochoa
As we all know, the farm cows in our town love the sound of instruments and music. As
the morning parade began in the town of Mayberry, the cows quickly made their way
towards the street, jumping over the farm fence. Sheriff (who still was a little tipsy from the
night before) was stumbling his way towards the parade, when the herd of cow came
running towards him following the sound of the music! Charlie, a recognizable dog in this
town, a local family pet, came running toward the rescue, pulling Sheriff Andrew Taylor
out of the way from being trampled by the cows! The cows made it to the parade, mooing along to the sound
of the trumpets; and Charlie, the golden retriever was named town hero! The farmer, whom the cows escaped
from said, "I don't know how those dag gone cows made it out of that fence, but I'll be making it higher!"