MaxMelin

AcademicWriting310
ZackDePiero

RevisionDocument:ImprovementsFromZacksFeedback

Whatchangesdidyoumake,andwhydidyoumakethosechanges?
Howhavethosechangesimpactedyournew,revisedpaper?

Beforefeedback
:ImetmyfriendLoganPetersonforthefirsttimealmostayearago.
Feedback
:
metmyfriendLoganPetersonforthefirsttime..
"Met"and"forthefirsttime"are
redundant.Pickone.
Afterfeedback
:Imetmyambitious,humble,anddowntoearthfriendLoganPeterson.
Impact:
IhaveprovidedmoreofLogansqualitiesandcharactertraits,soitmakeshimmore
vividandinteresting.Also,sincethisisthehook,itisimportanttocapturetheinterestofthe
reader.

Beforefeedback
:TheRhetoricsEffectOnAStrivingYoungPerson
Feedback
:
The..
Max,"therhetoric'seffect"doesn'treallyworkhere.Rhetoric'seffectdoes...or
ifyouwanttobemorespecific,somethinglike"businessrhetoric'seffect"doestoo...
Afterfeedback
:BusinessRhetoricsEffectOnAStrivingYoungPerson
Impact
:Ihavenowspecifiedmytitlesoitrelatesbettertomymainpointsandideasinthis
essay.Titlesarethemainmainideaofapaperinaverylargeperspective,somakingmytitle
morecoherentisessential.

Beforefeedback
:...hegavemesomedocumentsformetoanalyzeinordertogetabettergist
onhisprofessionalrhetoricrevolvingaroundhisworkplace.
Feedback
:
hegavemesomedocuments

Great!Tellmewhattheyareprovideabroadoverviewbeforeyougetintothenittygritty.
Givemeapreviewofwhat'scomingup.
Afterfeedback
:hegavemesomedocumentstwodocumentsthecompanysendsoutto
customers,beingveryprofessional,dense,andinformative,andthethirdwasapageofnotesjust
scrabbleddownbyLogan,filledwithabbreviations,dates,andsuchformetoanalyze
Impact:
Byinformingthereaderonwhatthesedocumentsare,itiseasierforthemtounderstand
whatIamdiscussingwhentalkingabouttheanalysisofthem.Italsoaddsmorestructure.

Beforefeedback:
reflectmyexperienceandthoughtsfromreadingsIhavehadinmy
academicwritingclass
Feedback
:Idon'tthinkthisisnecessarytellmewhatyourargument'sgonnabe,andthenstart
layingdownevidencetoconvinceme.
Afterfeedback:
So,byanalyzingLoganscommunicationwithinthecompany,comparedto
howheexpresseshimselfoutwardstoclientsandothercompanies,andhavinghimasan
intervieweeforthirtyminutes,IwouldsaythatLogansawarenessoftheintendedaudiencein
hisprofessionalwritingiswhatdetermineshiswordchoices,professionaltone,andadaptive
structure.
Impact:
Ierasedthatpartcompletely,sinceitisnotrelatedtomyargument.Theflowisalso
improvedhere,duetomakingmyargumentstogetherwithevidencetoconvincethereader.

Beforefeedback:
Logansawarenessoftheintendedaudienceinhisprofessionalwritingis
whatdetermineshisuseofwords,tone,andstructure.
Feedback:
Nicejobhere,Max.:)Myonequestiontogetthistothenextlevelwouldbe:what
abouthiswords,tone,andstructureprovidescluesthathehasanawarenessofhisintended
audience?Andwhataudienceisthat,exactly?Ifyoucangetalittlemorespecific,thiswillbe
supersolid.
Afterfeedback:
Logansawarenessoftheintendedaudienceconsistingofclients,colleagues,
andothercompaniesinhisprofessionalwritingiswhatdetermineshiswordchoices,
professionaltone,andadaptivestructure.

Impact:
Itriedtobemorespecificinthispartofmythesis.Hopefully,Iunderstoodthe
feedbackcorrectly.However,itimprovesthesolidityofmyclaimthroughouttheessay.

Beforefeedback:
We,aswriters,leapintodifferentidentitiesinourwritinganditisimportant
tousetoneandvoicecorrectlywhenaddressingaspecificaudiencesappropriately.
Feedback:
Sotrue!CanyoutiethisbackintodifferentidentitiesthatLoganstepsinto?
Andhow/why?
Afterfeedback:...
leapintodifferentidentitiesinourwritinganditisimportanttousetoneand
voicecorrectlywhenaddressingaspecificaudiencesappropriately.ReferringthisideatoLogan,
heisalsoleapingintodifferentidentitiesathisworkplace.Hehasoneidentityasacolleague,
anotherasarepresentativeforCorrigan&Companytowardsclients,andathirdidentitytowards
otherlifeinsurancecompanies,wherememightuseinsurancerelatedwordsandabbreviations.
AlltheseidentitiessupportsLogansintendedpurposeofcommunicatingwiththerecipient.
Impact:
ItiedthisbacktoLoganandgaveexamplesofhisdifferentidentitiesandwhyit
supportshiscommunication.

Beforefeedback:
Anexternaldocumentcansometimesbeinformal...
Feedback:
How?Inwhatway(s)?
Afterfeedback:
Resultingininformalconversationwithinexternalrhetoricanddocuments.So,
inordertodeliverthemessagesuccessfullyandprofessionally,Loganscommunicationneedsto
becaredfor.
Impact:
IelaboratedmoreonhowexternaldocumentscansometimesbeinformalinLogans
case.ThisgivesthereaderacluewhyIhaveincludedthisinmypaper.

Beforefeedback:
Irealizedthatoneofthedocumentswasdifferent,comparedtotheothers,
duetoitstyping,structure,form,useofwords,andtone.
Feedback:
How?Convinceme!
Afterfeedback:
Irealizedthatoneofthedocumentswasdifferent,comparedtotheothers,due
toitstyping,structure,form,useofwords,andtone.Itwasnotmeanttobeforanyone,except

fortheauthoritself.Aswefromtimetotimescrabbledownwordsforourselvestoremember
likeaplanneroranoutlinetobeunderstoodbyonlyyourselfwedontadaptourexpressions
andchoicesofwordstosomeoneelsesunderstanding,andthereforeitsconventions,asI
mentionedabove,differscomparedtotheexternaldocumentsIanalyzed.Inotherwords,this
documentwasinternal,
whiletheotherdocumentswereexternal.
Impact:
Byprovidingmoreinformationonhowoneofthedocumentsdifferedfromtheothers
Whatfeaturesishadandsuch.Thischaracterizesthisdocumentmoreelegantlytothereader.

Beforefeedback:
However,iftheintendedreceiverisapotentialcustomer,acollaborator,or
such,andIhaveaquestion,thewayIamphrasingandexpressingmyquestionwouldvary.
Feedback:
OK,butcanyoutiethisbacktoLogan?Themoreitseemslikethiscouldbe
writtenwithouthavinganinterviewandcollecting/analyzingspecificdocuments,the
weakeryouroverallpaperwillbe.Trytothinkofitthisway:youdon'twantthistobea
paperthatyoucouldjustwriteinyourlivingroom,withoutlookingbackatanything
specific(theartifactsandtheinterviewdata).That'scalledbeingan"armchair
philosopher"Iwantyoutobeawriting/communicationresearcher.
Afterfeedback:
However,iftheintendedreceiverisapotentialcustomer,acollaborator,or
such,andIhaveaquestion,thewayIamphrasingandexpressingmyquestionwouldvary.This
realizationappliesforLoganaswell.Dependingonthepersonhehasaprofessional
conversationwith,regardingLifeInsurancesLogansrhetoricchangesinregardsoftheir
relationship,howoftentheyhavespokenbefore,andwhatthepurposeandexigenceofthe
dialogueis.
Impact:
AsmostofmyfeedbackrevolvesaroundrelatingmyideastoLogan,Irealizedthatthis
isanareaIneedimprovementin.Forthissegment,Idescribedtothereaderwhyitisrelevant
forLoganchangehiscommunication,dependingonthereceiver.Also,Ihavesupportedmy
thoughtswithevidenceandvalidpoints,inordertobecomearesearcher,andnotanarmchair
philosopher.

Beforefeedback:
whataretheintendedpurpose,audience,andtoneforthistext?And,why
doesthewritermakeyourespondthewayyoudo?Asyouaskyourselfthesequestionswhile
youread,youbecomemoreactiveasawriter.Whenbeingmoreactive,youalsobecomemore
awareofthewritersprocedurewhenwritingthepiece,andareabletoimitatewhattheauthor
didwell.Inordertoeffectivelyreadlikeawriter,youhavetochangeyourperspectivefrom
beingareadertoawriter.
Feedback:
Sure,sure...buthowdoesthisrelatetoyourintervieweeandhis
documents/artifacts?
Afterfeedback:
whataretheintendedpurpose,audience,andtoneforthistext?And,why
doesthewritermakeyourespondthewayyoudo?Asyouaskyourselfthesequestionswhile
youread,youbecomemoreactiveasawriter.Whenbeingmoreactive,youalsobecomemore
awareofthewritersprocedurewhenwritingthepiece,andareabletoimitatewhattheauthor
didwell.Inordertoeffectivelyreadlikeawriter,youhavetochangeyourperspectivefrom
beingareadertoawriter.[...]RelatingthisbacktoLoganandhisprofessionalrhetoric,Bunns
writingadviceswouldimproveLogansworkverysubstantially.Bybeingmoreactiveand
consciousofthewritersmovesasareader,thebusinessorientedreadingsmightbeless
complexandeasiertoanalyze.Also,byrealizingotherwritersmoveswithintheLifeInsurance
field,Loganhastheopportunitytocollecttheseandimitatethesuccessfulonesforhisown
professionalportfolio.
Impact:
Irelatedmyideainthissegmentbacktologan,becauseheisthemainfocusofthis
essay.ItmakesforsensenowforthereadertounderstandwhyIhaveincludedtheseideasand
howtheyrelatetoeachother.

Beforefeedback:
Ibelievethisisextremelyimportanttoshiftperspectivesofthereading,from
thereaderstothewriterspointofview,inordertoenhanceonescomprehensionofatexts
purposeandexigence.AreadingthatadvocateshowimportantthisiswouldbeMikeBunn.
Feedback:
Canyouelaborateonthisquotesomemore?What'shemeanhere?Andhow
doesthatfitintoyourgreaterargument?

Afterfeedback:
Itisextremelyimportanttobeabletoshiftperspectivesofthereading,fromthe
readerstothewriterspointofview,inordertoenhanceonescomprehensionofatexts
purposeandexigence.ItisalsoverybeneficialforLogantoalterhisperspectivewhenreading
businessrelateddocuments,sinceitdecreasesthelikelihoodofmakingdevastatingmistakes,
andincreaseshisperformanceatthecompany,sinceitgiveshimabroaderperspectiveand
overviewofacertainsituation.
Impact:
IelaboratedmoreandtieditbackwithmyintervieweeLogan.Itismoreinplacenow,
sinceitrelatesbacktomygreaterargumentandmainidearegardingLogansbusinessrelated
rhetoric.

Beforefeedback:
Thisis...
Feedback:
Becarefulwhenyoustartsentenceswith"This."(DontfeelbadIdothesame
thing.)Twosuggestions:(1)Trytochangeitupvarietyisthespiceoflife,and(2)When
youdouseit,consideraddinganounrightafter"this"soit'sclearwhatyou'rereferring
to,i.e.,thisidea...thisplan...thisapproach...
Afterfeedback:
Thisapproachis...
Impact:
Byincludingapproachhere,itclarifieswhatyoumeanbythis.Italsoprovides
variation.

Beforefeedback:
Byexternalandinternalcommunication,Imeanhowmyconversation
differentiatesdependingontheintendedreceiver.Forexample,ifIaskaquestiontooneofmy
colleagues,IwillnotthinktwiceonhowIamphrasingmyquestion.However,iftheintended
receiverisapotentialcustomer,acollaborator,orsuch,andIhaveaquestion,thewayIam
phrasingandexpressingmyquestionwouldvary.
Feedback:
internalandexternalcommunication
Whatdoyoumeanbythis?
Afterfeedback:
Byexternalandinternalcommunication,Imeanthedifferenceofreceivers
thereareinbusinessorientedconversation.Thiscouldbeclients,colleagues,andsoon.For
example,ifIaskaquestiontooneofmycolleagues,IwillnotthinktwiceonhowIamphrasing
myquestion.However,iftheintendedreceiverisapotentialcustomer,acollaborator,orsuch,

andIhaveaquestion,thewayIamphrasingandexpressingmyquestionwouldvary.This
realizationappliesforLoganaswell.Dependingonthepersonhehasaprofessional
conversationwith,regardingLifeInsurancesLogansrhetoricchangesinregardsoftheir
relationship,howoftentheyhavespokenbefore,andwhatthepurposeandexigenceofthe
dialogueis.
Impact:
TheimpactthisrevisionhasisthatIgivethereadersmoremeaningbehindtheinternal
andexternalcommunicationthatLoganinteractswith.Also,IamtyingitbacktoLogans
rhetoricwithinhisprofessionalworld.