+Asher Roth

Version 1
12/08/2015
Harsha Hebale
Tim - A high school student who wants to go to college.
Mom and Dad - They want Tim to work for the family box making company.
Brian - Know it all peer of Tim
LIGHTS: In a Kitchen

Tim
But I dont want to work for the family business.
Dad
Tim. I will not hear any of this. You dont get to decide when traditions get broken.
Mom
Honey we only want whats best for you. When you take over the family business, you will
understand.
Tim
But I want to go to college. I dont want to make boxes my whole life.
Mom
College cant give you what we can give you. Family. Stability. Honor.
Tim
But all my other friends are going to college.
Mom
I think we have something where we can all get we want. Were going to College Home School
you.
Tim
Home school?
Dad
No. Not just home school. Your mother and I have come up with a comprehensive syllabus that
will cover all the necessary experiences in college.
Tim

This is a joke right?

Mom
No! Dont you see. You are going to get essence of college. For free. Under parental
supervision. For a full 4 days.
Tim
What? College is supposed to be 4 years.
Dad
Well, it would be a complete waste of capital to have you off learning at some institution for 4
years when you could be at home helping your dad make boxes.
Mom
(Hands Tim a beer)
Tim
You want me to drink this?
Dad
Bottoms up son!
Tim
(Takes a small sip and looks up still in confusion)
Mom
Drink faster. DRINK FASTER!
Dad
FASTER FASTER FASTER FASTER
Tim
(spits up beer)
Uhhh i feel gross now.
Dad
(Hands Tim a tray of shots.)
Now finish these and that concludes lesson 1.
Tim
What the heck?
Mom
Lesson number 1: Binge drinking! Time to get turnt!

Lights down!
Lights up!
(Somehow convey it is now morning)
Tim
Ohhhh my head.
Mom
GOOD MORNING my little scholar!
Tim
Please stop talking
Dad
Alright son. Sit down. Time for some
Tim
(Tim sits down. Looks at the textbook on the table)
Art History? Why do I have to take Art History if I am going to end up making boxes anyway.
Dad
Because. Its good for you. Art History is good for you. Culture.
Mom
...Yeah. Culture. World
Tim
Youre just saying words.
Dad
Now read these two chapters. And write me a 2 page essay on how the economic landscape
during certain eras was symbolized in artwork from said era. This will be due in 6 hours.
However you may not work on it for another 5 hours.
Tim
What? Then why give me 6 hours?
Mom
Lesson number 2. Useless Courses and Procrastination
Dad
We didnt think of this lesson until yesterday. Talk about appropriate am I right? Now whos
ready for some more alcohol?

Lights down!
Lights up!
Tim is at the table again. It is again the next morning.
Tim
Whos he?
Mom
This is Brian. Hes going to be doing college with you today.
Dad
Take out your essay about the symbolization of the economic climate in artwork.
(Tim takes the paper out of his folder. Hands it to Dad. Dad immediately hands it to Brian)
Brian
(exaggeratedly reads the whole thing in a matter of seconds. He is very snobbish)
4 Spelling errors. 2 unnecessary uses of the semicolon. And 6 run on sentences. And that was
with me being quite liberal with the definition of participial phrase.
Tim
What?
Brain
Your argument in paragraph 4 is begging the question so hard, I cant tell if I should circle it in
red pen or throw some change at it. You missed quite a big opportunity in paragraph 8 to
mention Keynes proclivity for the arts. Could have really driven home your bit about WWII.
Dad
I love this kid
Brian
Its not bad. I was impressed by the detail in which you defended your arguments, but
thematically the essay failed to deliver. 75/100. Alright. Shall we do mine then.
(Hands paper to Tim)
Tim
(stunned...looks to his parents)
Im not gonna rip apart his paper. What good would that do.
Dad
The world can be nasty. They dont want young people entering the work force who do not know
how to defend themselves.

Mom
Exactly. Thats why they pit student against student in college. So when they are ready to start
working they already know how to act like a competitive asshole. Lesson number 3: Your
motivation to learn is to answer test questions better than other people - not for the sake of
learning.
Dad
Now that concludes todays lesson. And I know this goes without saying...but before we watch
the football game tonight...were going to get plastered.
Lights down!
Lights up!
Next day - Graduation day
Mom
Im so proud of you. My son the Home School College graduate.
Dad
(Hands Tim a diploma. Gives him a hug.)
Congratulations son.
Tim
Thanks dad
(Tims phone rings. He looks up and sees his father has his phone out. Looks at his phone and
sees that his dad is calling him.)
Uhh...what is this a joke.
Mom
Just answer the phone honey.
Tim
Hello?
Dad
Hi this is your home school alma mater. Can I have money please?
Mom
Lesson 5: Dolla Dolla Bills Yall
LIGHTS!