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Memorandum
Memorandum
TO:
FROM:
DATE:
SUBJECT:
This memo analyzes the readability of my philosophy essay. I evaluated the essay on being
concise, precise, direct, and emphatic.
BEING CONCISE
Being concise means avoiding redundant words and cutting out useless information. Many of my
sentences were too long.
My sentences had many small words. They decreased the flow of my writing. I avoided using
words such as all, that, and the.
Original
To achieve the desired ultimate goal, the final goal has to encompass all
the smaller successes.
Revised
The third paragraph contained useless information. I deleted the paragraph to provide clarity in
my paper.
Most of my sentences were too long. The average sentence length was 21 words. Sentence length
made my ideas incomplete.
Original
Revised
Eudaimonia says people grow and follow different paths. People can
achieve eudaimonia by mastering moral values using different technical
skills.
BEING PRECISE
To be precise, I needed to choose the level of detail the reader needed and remove jargon.
I added too many definitions in my paper. My professor is an expert and knows the vocabulary.
I used the word eudaimonia multiple times. This is a form of jargon. I explained the definition
at the beginning of my paper. I used parts of the definition throughout my paper to add clarity.
My descriptions were unnecessary because my reader was my professor.
BEING DIRECT
Being direct means using active voice. My sentences are easier to read if I place strong verbs and
nouns close to each other. I need to avoid metaphors, similes, and analogies.
My paper had 4% passive voice. I moved the main subject and verb to the front of the sentence.
Original
Aristotle is correct when he says that a persons end goal and desire is to
attain happiness and personal growth, which is called eudaimonia.
Revised
Revised
My paper did not contain certain types of metadiscourse. I did not use conjunctive adverbs,
prepositional phrases, or common connectors. Below are examples of these forms of
metadiscourse.
Conjunctive Verbs
However
So
Nevertheless
Prepositional Phrases
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In other words
In addition
In fact
First
In conclusion
Common Connectors
Second
I did use metadiscourse to reference my thoughts. I explained Aristotles opinion then used I
believe to switch to my opinion. I reworded my sentence to delete this saying.
Original
Revised
I used two types of sprawling words: who and which. I used who two times. I reworded
my sentences to make them easier to read.
Original
Aristotle says that people who are born into the correct social, family, and
community settings can obtain eudaimonia.
Revised
Aristotle believes people can obtain eudaimonia if they are born into the
correct settings.
I used which seven times. I reworded my sentences to make them easier to read. I split longer
sentences into two shorter sentences.
Original
Revised
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This memorandum showed me how to revise my writing. This will help me when writing and
editing my work.
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