Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Volume II Edition XLII

Santa Arrested
By A. Marie Silver

Santa
Claus
was
arrested on Thursday
afternoon, after a little boy
returning home from
school, discovered the
jolly old guy attacking his
mother.
She was screaming,
said the minor. I didnt
know what to do. The
minor barricaded himself
inside of his bedroom and
placed a call to 911.
We arrived at the
house within minutes,
said Deputy Dasher. We
found the suspect on top
of the boys mother in the
dining room.
Immediate action was
taken and Santa was
placed in handcuffs. Only
later was it revealed that

Santa was actually the

familys
next
door
neighbor.
Things got more
interesting from there,
said Deputy Prancer.
Especially when the
boys father arrived on
scene.
A fight between Santa
and the boys father
ensued, leaving Santa with
a split lip and broken
news. The only good that
came out of it was a local
charity group who paid a
visit to the little boy,
swearing that the Santa he
saw wasnt the actual
Santa Claus.
Kids need to believe
in magic, said Mrs.
Vixen,
the
charitys
organizer. Thats what
we live for doing.

Reporter Seeks Job

By Snoop Cubby

It pains me to admit
this but, Ive just learned
that this will be my last
article as an investigative
reporter for Pilcrow &
Dagger. Apparently, Mr.
Farce was so devastated,
rather than have a meeting
to tell each of us we were
being laid off right before
Christmas he took to
Twitter and Facebook to
do the work for him.
Thats
a
wrap,
people, his Facebook
status read. This introvert
is off to greener pastures
hiding out in a hole where
no one will bother him.
Of course, the message
left me stumped. So, I
made a few phone calls to
A. Marie and LeeAnn only
to discover that there had

been a staff meeting to

tell us all about the layoffs. Only two of us
werent present: Monica
Moniker and I.
We thought Snoop
knew, said A. Marie.
Honestly, there was no
conspiracy to leave him
out of the loop.
Monica, on the other
hand,
said
LeeAnn.
Shes
an
entirely
different story. We had the
meeting, followed by a
few farewell drinks and
then we packed her desk
up and left the box in her
parking space.
If you know anyone
looking for a reporter,
please have them call me.
Farewell, everyone. It has
been an honor reporting
for you!

Reality Bites
By LeeAnn Rhoden

Sometimes art imitates

life but this time life
imitates art. In a strange
turn of events it seems that
the storyline of Atlas
Shrugged has come to life
when the top 10% of the
economic
motivators
retreated to the plains of
Montana to a secluded and
secure community with
their own currency, power
grid, and supply line.
Entry into the community
is by invitation only. No
Kardashians were invited.
Well, we realized that
what the young people are
saying is that we havent
allowed
them
the
opportunities weve had,
said Mr. Banks. Perhaps
if the 99% - or really the
90% - have to find ways to
create jobs and be
responsible for themselves
then perhaps the economy
will grow for them and not
just for us.
Im embarrassed to
say that my children
joined
the
Occupy
movement. So, no, I didnt
invite them. And they are
having to earn their own
tuition and living expenses,
said
Mrs.
Moneypenny. I imagine

Weather
Its beginning to feel a
lot like winter. Cold
breezes. Snow in the
northern areas, crystal
clear air that is cool and
easy to breathe.

theyll
be
really
disappointed when their
cell phones are no longer
paid for too.
Its only been a few
days since the exodus and
already the economic
machine has stalled. With
the economic leaders,
business leaders, and
developers absent few
decisions have been made,
and few products have
been moved to the market.
Not to mention the
dramatic loss of revenue
from sales tax, payroll
taxes, FICA, etc. This loss
in revenue is beginning to
affect the bottom 50% of
the bottom 90%.
Whos going to pay
my bills? I guess Ill have
to get a job but, whos
going to hire me? All the
businessmen
have
disappeared? said Ms.
Poteet.
This reminds me of
my seventh grade class,
said Mr. Thomas. My
teacher would put all of us
who didnt contribute in
class, behave properly, or
do our homework together
in one group instead of
spreading us through
productive groups.
Its going to get ugly.

Index
More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, December 20, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XLII

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

As we wind things up
here, I have to confess that
Im not a sports fan. I
follow my alma maters
football team (Florida
State) and the Tampa Bay
Lightning and Detroit Red
Wings, and thats about it.
I cant tell you who won
the World Series last year,
or the Super Bowl, or any
other championship, even
the Stanley Cup. I just
dont care.
I used to like sports. I
used to follow the
Cincinnati
Reds,
the
Boston Celtics, and the
Miami Dolphins (until the
Buccaneers came along).
But about the time Len
Bias died (1986) I started
lose interest in all of them,

starting with basketball.

The second baseball strike
killed that game for me.
Football is just boring to
begin with, with about ten
minutes of actual action
being spread out over 60
minutes. Soccer, well, Im
sorry, but the hands are a
defining characteristic of
human
beings,
so
philosophically Im against
soccer.
This column has been both
a privilege and a challenge
to write. I hope youve
enjoyed it. If you like
sports, may you continue
to live and die with your
teams. I get it, I really do.
I still feel pain when
Florida State loses, and the
Lightning are agonizing
this year. Best wishes to
you all.

Happenings
By Blabby Rumor

My goodness but there

is a lot to cover. Last week
we had yet another
Republican debate. Trump
was loud, Christie was
loud, Rubio and Cruz tried
to our conservative each
other. Rumor has it that the
primaries start in January.
This week in also
Christmas week.
The
stockings are hung by the
chimney
with
hooks.
Garland and lights occupy

every surface and railing.

The little ones are asking
what day it is every five
minutes. It cant come
soon enough.
Finally, this is final.
This is the last Pilcrow &
Dagger Sunday News for
the foreseeable future. This
has been a terrific gig and
a lot of fun. But the staff at
Pilcrow & Dagger need to
refocus their attention and
perhaps attend journalism
school. Rumor has it, we
will miss you.

Rants & Raves

To the jerk that fired me
and told everyone else
before I found out rat
heads arent the only thing
you have to worry about.
Im coming for you!
To my wonderful husband
thank you for the early
Christmas gift. Its just a
shame your girlfriend and I
arent the same size.

To the incredibly bad

driver in the shopping mall
parking lot - You turn right
from the right lane and left
from the left lane. You
cannot turn left from the
right lane. Fortunately, I
was able to slam on my
brakes and squeal to a stop
to avoid hitting you and
the people behind me were
able to avoid hitting me.
Merry Christmas idiot.

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

All good things must

come to an end. I cant
remember who said that,
but whoever did, made an
excellent point. All good
things must come to an
end. For the last 15
months, my team and I
have had the extreme
honor of reporting the
news or at least a version
of it, to you. But
unfortunately, that time
has come to an end. This
week will be our last
release of the Pilcrow &
Dagger Newspaper. But
dont worry; this isnt the
end of Pilcrow & Dagger.
Ive heard through the
grapevine that my top
editors, LeeAnn and A.
Marie have a few surprises
up their sleeves. It seems
2016 will be an exciting
year filled with a lot of
changes including my
zip code. Im off to
greener
pastures.
Im
moving to Iceland to live
in seclusion and peace. Im
also moving there to
escape the wrath of my
advice columnist, who
since learning about her
job loss has been sending
me rat heads in envelopes.
May your year be filled
with
exciting
stories,
laughter, family and fun.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to the article
written
by
your
entertainment
news
reporter
last
week.
Seriously? Hunger Games
v. Star Wars? Oh, please!
Star Wars is going to blow
Hunger Games off its
undeserving throne. Id bet
my
special
edition,
collectable Star Wars
Footie pajamas on it.
- Liet Saeber

Dear Mr. Farce,

I dont understand how
people would be able to
throw punches and brawl if
they are using their hands
to sign? Wouldnt they
have to stop signing to
make fists? Wouldnt they
start yelling at each other
at some point? And what if
someone doesnt know
how to sign? Are people
carrying around white
boards and dry erase
markers? The whole thing
just sounds stupid. I have
to ask Mr. Farce, is that
just satire? Is this whole
paper just satire? I dont
know what to think any
more.
- Mary Yule

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My boyfriend keeps
breaking up with right
before major holidays.
Why do you think he does
that?
Sincerely,
Girlie Girl
Dear Girlie Girl,
Hes probably trying to
avoid buying you a
present.

Dear Monica,
Everyone is greeting
me by saying Merry
Christmas
or
Happy
Holidays. Neither one is
my name and I dont know
how to respond. What is
the best thing to say?
- Carol
Dear Carol,
Get out from under
your rock.

Sunday, December 20, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XLII

Horoscope

Pilcrow & Dagger

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang

Wishes you and your family

Question
Mark

A very

Therefore
Sign
Ampersand

Merry Christmas
And a

Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Happy New Year!

People are all on board

your boat. Look at what
you can accomplish.

April 20 May 20

Get up and get out of the

house today.

May 21 June 20

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign
Octothorpe

This is a sad farewell as we announce

this will be the last issue of
Pilcrow & Dagger Sunday News

March 21
- April 19

Dagger

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21

Today is a day to play.

Color, build a fort, ride a
bike.
Dont get lost in the details.
Step back and make a
decision.
Stay the course and get
things done.
Todays issues are shallow
and you are deeper than
that.
Things will come to an
emotional head today.
Steer clear.
Youre bored but too tired
to do anything. Conflict
sucks.

Nov 22 Dec 21

Multitask to complete your

list of things to do.

Dec 22 Jan 19

Say what you think. No

one is listening anyway.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Your job will require a

great deal of stamina.

Feb 19 March 20

Time flies today. Be social

before its too late.

We appreciate your reading and

enjoying it.
We are turning our focus more on our
fabulous magazine and toward a new
and exciting project!

Cryptogram
The future never just happened. It was created.
- Will and Ariel Durant

Be sure to stay in touch with our blog

and get your annual subscription
today! Lots of tremendous and
exciting things coming in 2016!

Answer from last weeks puzzle