HOW TO BE BLACK IN AMERICA

Written by
Ganeesh Genus

FADE IN:
INT. WSJU RADIO STATION - DAY - NEW YORK, NY
ROMEL leans into the mic.
ROMEL
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the
first, and possibly last
installment of How to be Black in
America.
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
The room is empty. The only thing we see is the whiteboard.
ROMEL (V.O.)
First up, when dealing with police
officers, make it perfectly clear
that you do not want to be shot at.
An African American student appears in front of the
whiteboard raises both hands in the air, sporting a cheesy
smile, and mouths the words Romel says.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Slowly raise both hands in the air
and say, dont shoot.
The student lowers his hands.
ROMEL (V.O.)
In the event that they actually
listen and use tear gas on you
instead, apply milk, not water to
the eyes.
The student picks up a bottle of milk.
INT. WSJU RADIO STATION - CONTINUOUS
Romel is still leaning closely to the mic. We still have yet
to see his face.
ROMEL
Please do not sag your pants. Buy
them to fit, and if you cant
resist the urge to, buy them a size
smaller.

2.

INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Two male students, both African American, stare directly at
the camera.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Shake hands with the homies.
The two students give a stern handshake.
ROMEL (V.O.)
No more dapping them up; its
scary, intricate, and could be gang
related.
The students dap each other up, and look incredulously at the
camera before leaving.
A white female student and a female African American student
walk in together, both with cheesy smiles.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Comb your hair!
They both grab their hair and look appalled.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Dont do the whole natural
movement, because that excludes
white people.
(a beat)
And thats racist.
The white girl looks at the black one and shrugs, nodding in
agreement. They both exit.
Dark skinned women enter the room, all smiling.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Dont be that dark.
They look appalled.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Be lighter skinned. Like, if
possible, be related to a white
person.
The light turns off in the room and a flashlight is held
under the faces of the women, illuminating them.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Thats better.

3.

The flashlights turn off, leaving the room pitch black again.
When the light turns on, two African American women and a
white woman are there. Cheesy smiles present.
INT. WSJU RADIO STATION - CONTINUOUS
ROMEL
Dont name your child something
extremely out there like Dequan
or something ending in Isha.
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROMEL (V.O.)
Try a normal first name like,
Sarah, or Kate, or Mary.
The three women mention earlier hold up pieces of paper with
their names on it.
The white womans name has a check next to it, shes ecstatic.
The two African American womens names are crossed off. They
look pissed.
They all exit.
INT. WSJU RADIO STATION - CONTINUOUS
ROMEL
Okay, real quick before we get out
of here, just a few quick
housekeeping rules for you:
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROMEL (V.O.)
No ebonics, we speak proper round
here. Be careful when and where you
wear your hoodie.
There is a pause. Romels voice becomes more somber.
ROMEL (V.O.)
Try to get on a jury. In the event
that you have children, please
father them; they are targets of
the system already. Vote Democrat.
(MORE)

4.

ROMEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Tell people you dont enjoy being
shot, shot at, wrongfully
convicted, incarcerated, and
sentenced to death. No, you dont
rap. You dont have a cousin named
Ray Ray. And please, dont drink
the Kool-aid.
All the while, black students flash across the screen.
INT. WSJU RADIO STATION - CONTINUOUS
ROMEL
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is
Romel, and thats it for todays
show.
FADE TO BLACK.