Ringing of Belles: Deployment from Hell to Birth

from Heaven
Today is my daughters sixth birthday. To many this might not be a big deal; to me
this is a bittersweet. I think about my first year of marriage, my first pregnancy,
surviving my first deployment with my husband; all at the age of 19. Yeah I was in
over my head but I had (and still do) have too much pride to admit that I was
overwhelmed. My husband and I have a common but uncommon love story. We
meet in El Paso, married in El Paso and still live in El Paso; uncommon when a
spouse is active duty. We were friends for less than seven months, dated for week
(He asked me out through a text message, are you content with me? I replied
yes. And that my friends is how we began dating. That Friday at my family
cookout; he proposed in front of my mom, step dad and some friends. He passed
out before I could give him an answer. Once the Sleeping Beauty woke up, I told
him, yes. He of course had no memory of what had happened. Thank you Army
and deployment for giving him short term memory loss. We laughed after I told him
what happened; the next Friday we went to the court house and got married. In and
out within 14 minutes; record. Why, did we rush? No reason, just did it. At 19- I did
not think about things. Well I just did not think about anything.

So recap: January 2008- met Jake. July 11th, 2008- he proposes and passes out. July
18th, 2008- married.

Now for the joys of having the learning curve. It was blissful- we had a one bedroom
apartment downtown and he had orders for Fort Hood but he cancelled the orders
because of me. I became a nurse aide and began working at the smallest hospital
possible in womens services. I loved that job but everyone told me, dont drink the
water, it is blessed and you will be pregnant within a year. Ha.ha.ha. I was 19, I did
not believe them. May 15, 2009- I found out I was pregnant. Less than a year, on
birth control- I became pregnant and my husband was deployed scheduled for 12
months or until mission is completed. I think I was the only spouse that ever saw
this and thought, it will be another 15 month deployment, but I will be fine. I have
more support than most wives and I will meet new ones. It.Did.Not.Happen. I
ended up losing friends and lost contact with everyone- but that is a different story
for another day. Jake left for deployment, but prior to that; I was emotional, cried all
the time and quite frankly was sick at my stomach. Many seasoned wives told me
that this is a normal reaction to a first deployment- so why would I think I would be
pregnant. We were not trying. He leaves and I sit in my grey Jetta crying, not
because I miss him- nah I am used to him being gone, no I am crying because now I
actually have to drive myself places. My thoughts were as followed:
I have to now drive myself places- and pump gas.
I can sleep in, wait no I cant I have a stupid dog that does not listen to me.
I will be moving back in with my mom and adolescent sister, but it will be to save
money. I-can-do-this.

Why am I still crying??? Why wont it stop??

I drove away and went back to the apartment- this was now a two bedroom
apartment and closer to post. I just closed the door and fell asleep on the floor. I
dont know how I drove, how I made it back or anything. My phone rings- who the
hell is texting me? Oh its Jake. He is now about to take off and will contact me when
they land again. I dont care. He is not overseas yet- Hell he is still in Texas. He is
fine. This is end of April/ beginning of May 2009. Let me skip two weeks- May 15 th,
2009. I had to take my sister to school, she could have walked to school, but why
would she? She could have gotten up early and been to school on time; but that
would make too much sense. I woke up and I ended up taking her to school. I said
screw it, you are already late as it is, we are going to get food. We ate, oh and let
me mention, I still have yet to go pee. Yeah I held my bladder for over two hours.
Yeah never again. I was going to take a pregnancy test that morning because Jake
and I were email fighting and it was bad. He told me I was pregnant, he called it
even before he left. So to prove him wrong the day before I got a test. But because I
had to take my little sister to her middle school, that she could have walked to and
because she was already late- went to get some food, then finally check her in at
the school. I went back to my moms house and took the test. I did not even have to
wait a full minute before the two lines showed up. FML. Jake was right. I hate that he
was right. We were not trying, I am 19, less than a year being married, new to the
army life and enjoying not working and sleeping in. I value my sleep as much as I
value my life- even to this day; do not wake me up. I once again I wrote a horrible
email to Jake. This time it had every cuss word you could imagine with some very
descriptive violent actions of what I wanted to do to him. He said he was thankful he
was deployed because of the rage and anger that I had. Yes, I was pissed. I sent the
email, then I cried. Why?? Why am I crying again?!? This is not like me. I went to the
Tricare office and switched so I could see my OB/GYN family friend that I have
known since I was 12. I called my grandmother (Nan) and told her I was pregnant.
We were both in disbelief. But she reassured me that she was pregnant at 19 and
had my mom at 20 and was a single mom- so if she could do, she knew I could. That
gave me a great sense of comfort.
The 9-12 week ultrasound appointment. I went by myself. I had stayed sick and not
able to keep hardly anything down, yet I was gaining weight. I was obese. I was 208
when I found out I was pregnant, so even if I did lose weight- it would not have been
a bad thing. I went in and filled out the paperwork, listened to the heartbeat and
saw the thing. I worked in women services but never bothered to study or pay
attention to the ultrasounds- even now I dont. So she showed me the blob and said
I was 9 weeks. Great. Jake knocked me up two weeks before he deployed and a
week after the military ball. So I sent him another email about how pissed I was. I
think my anger was sent to him because then it really sank it- the fighting got worst
and I did not know if we would make it. Each month past, I spent more money and
did not save nor care what Jake had to say. I moved out of my moms and moved
into a three bedroom trailer because I just could not deal with being around people,
mainly my family. Jake was livid and told me to suck it up and stay with mom. Yeah,
not going to happen. I am pregnant, my sister had her first period and my mom was
working longer hours. How my step dad did not just leave and go on an extended
hunting or bike trip- I have no idea. Way too many hormones in the house. I had to
give away the dog as previously stated because she would not listen to me and was
jumping on my stomach and biting me. So I move into the new place and it was

nice, quiet and lovely. We also had a cat, Sox, who went on her nature walks were
she is gone for a few hours sometime even all day, but always comes back home.
Anyways- she was pregnant. She gave birth the end of my first/ beginning of my
second trimester. Yup my cat and I got pregnant around the same time. This was a
rescue cat and we got her when she was barely five weeks old during a marriage
retreat. I laid next to her while she gave birth to five kittens. I helped her with the
feedings and them using the litter box. I also found forever homes for them. It was
bittersweet. Jake and I were doing well, only fighting about twice a week instead of
daily. Then I mentioned to him I want a dog. I think his face boiled because I had to
give away the first dog because she was too aggressive, now I want another one. He
agreed but I think he agreed only because it was not worth a fight. I was going to
get one even if he did not like it.
I found Lady, a golden retriever/ Irish setter mix, such a beautiful dog. I got her from
Jakes ex fianc. Another story for another day. My cat helped me house break her. I
have lived in the trailer for about three maybe four months- then I get a notice
stating if I am not going to buy it, I have to move out. Lovely. This is why I hate
renting. I told Jake, he told me to go back to live with mom. Nope. That was not
going to happen. I went to housing office on post. I am about six months pregnant
at this point. I am crying (again with the water works) and explain that the place I
was staying out- I have 30 days to move out because I am buying it. Housing was
very nice and found me a two bedroom condo house- all brick and no carpet. Living
in the desert- you do not want carpet. I moved into housing. Jake was pissed
because he thought he needed to be there to get on housing. Nope, he gave me a
power of attorney and I had his orders and proof that I had to move out of trailer- so
they did not need him. Oh did I mention I was pregnant and emotional? I moved in
to another place. I was stressed and depressed but did not recognize it at the time. I
was visiting my mom at the hospital because she was on call. I told her that
something was not right. I was cramping but not sure what was happening. My mom
took me to a room and got the Doppler and listened to the heartbeat- it was strong.
Good. She told me that I might just need to drink more water and rest. I was in my
second trimester- I should not be having this. I went back home and just slept. Did I
mention that I love sleep? This happened on and off for about two days but I was
going to see my OB, so I waited. She checked me. I was high and closed but I was
having contractions, so off to the hospital I went. She meet me there a few hours
later. The contractions stopped but I was still cramping. Jake called me. I told him I
was at the hospital. I visit mom so much that he just thought that it was another
visit- not that I was a patient. I was later released. Sleep, drink and relax. That was
my orders and I took the sleep think very serious.
I had a love/hate relationship with my phone when Jake called me because I did not
know if it would the last time we would talk or the fight that would put me in labor.
He called and I could hear shots/ mortars going off in the background. Most people
would not been able to hear them but I have Vulcan hearing, so I always got
nervous. I think that is why I fought with him so much. He told me that he was going
to try to come home for the birth but no promises. I was thinking, yes, he is going
to surprise me and I am going to have a Hallmark/ Lifetime type of homecoming and
it is going to be prefect. Christmas rolls around as I roll around. I feel bloated, sick,
tired and flat out bitchy. I do not want anyone near me. I am done with this
pregnancy. I am done with the deployment. I am just done. My mom makes the
suggestion that I can have a New Years baby since I am term. Now I have been in

and out of the hospital at least three times for pre term labor and I have been
dilated since 26 weeks. My due date is January 19, 2010. I decide not to and just
continue to wait it out. January rolls around and my grandmother, Nan, is here. She
is my home, she can make me feel great about myself or kick my ass into shape.
She is real and a straight shooter with me. I go to see my OB- at this point it is every
week. She tells me that she wants me to be induced because she is going out of
town for the weekend and this baby will not make it through the weekend. Great I
am as ready as I will ever be. We set up the induction date for January 14 th, 2010 for
6 a.m. I am excited. I emailed Jake to let him know. He told me that he was not
going to be there. (Now me who at this point as watched all of Army Wives, 16 and
pregnant and way too many Lifetime movies for me to admit- I really thought he
was just bluffing and was going to be there.) I am getting ready the day and night
before. I am not having any contractions, pressure or any sign that I am going to go
into labor, so I was able to pack my bag (yeah, yeah, I should have had it done a
month ago- but I only wear like ten things and rotate them out). I pack the
homecoming outfit. Everything is ready to go. I take a shower around 10/11 pm that
night. Oh shit, it is happening. Why do I want to cry, scream and kill someone? I had
my first real contraction in the shower while epically failing attempting to shave
my legs. I finished up and I sat on the couch. Nan and I were talking and I told hersomething is not right. I told her my back hurts and my stomach is hard. She smiled
and said that is the cue to go to the hospital. She also called my mom because she
was scheduled to work that morning- which is why my OB set up for 6am induction.
I felt bad because my mom was sleep but she lived closer to the hospital and was
there when we got there. I went up to L&D and the girls were waiting. I felt so
welcomed and loved being there. It was time, this time.
Jake called me and I told him that I have just arrived at the hospital and have a
room. I will be getting my epidural soon but I want to wait until mom gets done
checking on the other patient. I was not in pain- I just had cramping and pressure.
The pain came later. He told okay and that he was going to bed and would call me
later. See the thing that needs to be remembered is- I have no way of calling him
back. He is roughly 8/9 hours ahead of me and is in a war zone. I just laid down and
rested. My mom came in to see me, she looked frazzled. I thought it was because
her first grandbaby was going to be born soon- nope. She just checked on the other
patients. Half of them did not have epidurals that they requested and were
screaming in pain. Some had not been checked on by the CRNA that was on call. So
my mom was putting in epidurals and measuring pain levels for patients that she
was not in charge of yet. It was around 1 am when she came in and she was not
supposed to relieve the other guy until 7am. So she went to the call room and the
guy was asleep- and did not check on his patients. My mom said- even to this day- it
was the worst night for her in L&D because the rooms were filled and the previous
person just slept and did not check on anyone. Now, she is a mother of three- she
knows pain and knows when a woman is pushing out a kid- they want pain
management. So I told her to go take care of them, I am okay and I am still at 3, so
it will be a while. First kid- I thought I was going to be in labor for a long time. She
comes back around 4/5 am and I have progressed and I go ahead and get the
epidural in and thank god I did. My mom has now been on the clock since 1 am and
has a house full of patients as well as emergencies. Jake called me around 7am and
asked, I told him that I am beginning to dilated but not much progression. He said
okay well I am going on guard duty and will call after the shift. Now, everyone

knows that when you have your first kid- you can be in labor for hours. Right? No. I
went from 3 to 5 in about three hours. I went from 5 to 9 in about four hours. The
nurses had to break my water because I was almost complete but at a standstill at
9. My mom had to do back to back C-sections. I was in so much pain. Nan asked me
if she needed to get the nurses. I knew it was time to push, I knew my Belle was
ringing and she was coming. I literally squeezed her in and held her in for about
another 40 minutes. I knew that if mom missed the birth- she would never forgive
herself. I waited in pain, crowning and trying not to vomit because I was so sick. My
mom came in to check on me. She saw me and Nan and Mom looked at each otherit was time for my OB to come in. Three pushes and Ms. Belle was out. I was in
active labor for less than six hours.
Labor was not bad, the birth was not bad. Afterwards is fuzzy. Nan held her first. I
did not get to hold Belle right away. I began to hemorrhage. My mom called in back
up, I had 2 IVs in me. A nurse pushing my stomach, my mom watching my vitals,
another nurse setting up a surgery room, my OB stitching me up. So many people
talking and overlapping conversations. I just faded. I do not remember much. I did
not pass out to my knowledge but I do not remember what was all happening. Nan
told me that I would not stop bleeding and Mom told me that they had a room ready
for me to get a hysterectomy done. I was tired and weak. I was so white- I looked
albino. Everything worked out and I did not have to go in the back. I was finally able
to hold my daughter. Jake called. Now the SoB calls me; I told him that he is father.
He did not understand. I told him that I delivered her at 10:46 am on January 14,
2010. He missed it. He missed the pregnancy. He missed the birth. He missed the
scare (which at the time I did not know just how serious it was) of me almost dying.
Not kidding. Had I not had the staff that I did- I would have died giving birth. I did
not get a transfusion or anything. My doctor wanted my body to naturally repair
itself.
So now, six years later. I am 31 weeks pregnant with our second child- this time I
am 26 years old- I feel a bit more prepared than at 20. I have survived having two
miscarriages. One where I carried till almost my due date and other I lost last year
at six weeks. I have been pregnant, given birth and lived. With Belles birthday
today, I look back and think that had I not had the team- I would not be with my
daughter today and I would not have been able to give her a sibling. People judge
and think that every birth is the same- no it is not. It is unique, different, sometimes
unplanned and happens too early in ones life. I can stand hear and preach about
being safe and using condoms with birth control- but it fails. I have been pregnant
on birth control with every pregnancy except this one. I know the struggles that
come with being alone and not feeling welcomed while pregnant. I know the
heartache of learning that you are pregnant and it is not viable. I know having a
D&C and finding out that there was not just one but three that did not survive. I
know the heartbreak of dealing with depression and not knowing it. I know how hard
it is to be young and still figuring out who you are while also being married. I can tell
you; if you have the right people in your corner and partner that is just as stubborn
as you- you can make it through anything. Yes, I was a stay at home wife and did
not work while I was pregnant and only worked for a few months as nurse aide when
I got married. I might have been obese and unhealthy at 236 lbs at time of delivery
of Belle. I changed. When she was two I began school. I am not finishing up my
masters in education specializing in special education. I have received two BAs,
learned my daughter is high functioning autistic with a speech delay, Jake is

medically discharged from the Army and we are both going to school all while
dealing with personal growth and failure and trying to find out what it is that I am
good at. I know I am good with learning and naturally teaching- I do it without
thinking about it. I know what I want from life- I did not know what I wanted when I
had my daughter and that is okay. So this is the message that I will part with;
whether you are seasoned mother, new mother, first time mother- regardless of
age; just know you will have days where you want to scream and kick (do it if you
need to- I have) and other days where you are in absolute bliss and cannot imagine
your life being any other way.
Belle, I know we clash and butt heads- a lot and you are complete Daddys girl now.
Just know, I will love you even if I cant express myself. You were my first and I had a
learning curve with you that I pray I do not have with your baby brother or sister.
You are loved even if I dont get up while Daddy gets you ready for school. Your little
sibling is moving and I have been cramping; so it takes much longer for me to get
ready. I want to thank you for your patience. You have been a huge help from
keeping your room clean, putting your dirty clothes in the washing machine to
making sure that dogs are being good. I want you to enjoy your childhood, just like I
did. I want you to learn and fail. It is okay if things do not work the first time. You
have grown up so much. You helped me learn to not trust and hear the naysayers
that something is wrong with you, just because you did not speak until after two
years old or potty trained until close to four years old. You are my daughter and my
love for you continues to grow even if we do get in power struggles with each other.
We both lean on your daddy for strength and support. He is our rock- do not forget
that. He is our safety net and our logic when both of us are too emotional. He will be
there for you, he has and will always be there. He has mastered multitasking better
than me. As your siblings arrival approaches in March- know that it will not just be
him or her that is the lucky one, but you are. You are the lucky one because you
helped us become parents when I had no clue what to do. I winged it with you and
now you are soaring. I love you my Belle, even if I cuss and yell. You are by Belle
that will continue to ring in my heart. Happy 6 th birthday.