LOL101

St Matts Youth
Number 10 in the series

Youth
Suitable for all ages

Jokealongalot

Giffnock Consulting 2016

Youth
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Youth
Youth one-liners

I asked Mum if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid
for me.
I also asked my friend if she was an only child. She said: No, but my
mother said had I come first I would have been.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
He was a beautiful baby. His parents had him kidnapped so they could
see his picture in the papers.
Children seldom misquote you. They usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
There are only two things kids will share willingly -- communicable
diseases and their mothers age.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a
toaster and a radio
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

Youth
1) Youth is wasted on the young.
2) These days, youths have all the answers - unfortunately, they don't get
the questions.
3) To recapture your youth, simply cut off his financial support.
4) Parents of two youths were worried about their children's failing
eyesight. Their daughter couldn't find anything to wear in a closet full of
clothes and their son can't find anything to eat in a refrigerator full of food.
5) Youths are people who act like babies when theyre not treated like adults
6) There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every
morning.
7) I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though
8) The secret of immortality dies with me
9) On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes
10)I am out of bed what more do you want?
11) No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldnt work anyway

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Professional opinion
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate
my 13-year-old son."
Without looking up from his desk the specialist said,
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder,
punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full
recovery."
The startled mother stuttered, "How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"Didn't you say he was 13?"
News time
What do you want, Dad the good news or the bad news?
Better give me the good news, son
I didnt get expelled this week!
Thats excellent, son. Now, whats the bad news?
Oh no, Dad. You dont get both. That was an either/or question
Isnt nature wonderful?
A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his Year 7 son
standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
The rancher thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and
bees'
After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, "Well, son,
do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit
the cow?"

Hindsight 1& 2
I asked Mum if I was a gifted child
She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I also asked my friend if she was an only child. She said: No, but my mother
said had I come first I would have been.
Homework
Teacher: This essay on your dog is exactly like your brothers essay last year!

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Little Johnny: Of course it is. Its the same dog.

The wisdom of Youth

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer.

Never tell your mum her diet is not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Never leave your brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Don't pick on your kid brother when he's holding a cricket bat.

Kerb crawler
A boy is walking along the road when a car pulls up beside him.
If you get in the car Ill give you a bag of sweets, says the driver.
The boy ignores him.
Okay, says the driver, Get in the car and Ill give you two bags plus $10.
The boy ignores him.
All right - $20!
The boy turns to the driver and says,
Look, Dad, for the last time, Im not getting into that Volvo.

Christian

Ah, Jonah you just cant keep a good man down.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't
trust me so much.
Mother Teresa
Q: Who was cheesed off by the returning prodigal son? A: The fatted calf.
Christians may be criticised for swimming against the tide, but even a
dead dog can float with the current.
If Adam and Eve returned to earth now, the only thing theyd recognise would
be the jokes.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Did the Thessalonians ever write back to Paul?

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 Not been for a while? Dont wait till youre carried in by six large men.
Atheism: A sort of crutch for those who can't stand the reality of God.
Hospitalised
The 13 - year - old was rushed to hospital with a terrible cough, high fever and
vomiting.
The examining doctor asked the little boy what was bothering him most.
After a few seconds, the kid said hoarsely,
I would have to say my little sister.

My Mum taught me:

Logic:

Because I said so, thats why

Contortionism:

Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

The circle of life: I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Meteorology:

Looks like a cyclone just came through here.

Relationships

To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountains, crossed the
widest desert and swam the deepest sea. She called off the engagement: he
was never home.

Guys: beware of false advertising. When the assistant at the perfume

counter says the stuff is irresistible, ask her why shes still there.

Guys: also beware of what is believed to be a new perfume so powerful that

on the label it tells you on no account to use it if youre bluffing.

He asked to see her home so often that eventually she sent him a photo
of the house.

If a guy prepares any dinner for you that contains two or more types of lettuce,
he is really serious.

Always marry a man with pierced ears: he has experienced pain and
bought jewellery.

"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my boyfriend, so he
knows what rejection feels like"
Pippa Evans

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Of Youths & Cats

1. Neither kids nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. Both are nocturnal by nature. The period between dawn and noon is largely
unpopulated by either kids or cats.
3. Dogs have owners. Cats & youth have staff.
4. Neither is physically capable of folding clothes, opening drawers or reading
instructions.
5. No cat or youths shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and youths can lie on the lounge for hours on end without moving, barely
breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. youths carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and youths yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate
human ecstasy - complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and youths do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the
middle of the night to deposit unwanted items on the bedroom floor. youths ditto.
Conclusion: If you must raise youths, the best sources of advice are not other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at
hand at all times. And remember, when you put out the food, do not make any
sudden moves in their direction.
Nice surprise
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Prodigy or progeny
Piano teacher to unruly pupils:
Behave yourselves or Ill tell your parents you are genuinely gifted

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Odds & sods

I went to a tough school. I remember that the English teacher asked us what comes at the
end of a sentence and half the class chorused:
An appeal.
All-Purpose Youth Group Apology Form
Dear (Tick appropriate response)
o Baz,
o Steve,
o Gai,
o Detective Inspector,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
o church
o study
o photocopier
o mother-in-law
o left arm
was severely damaged by my
o infantile
o puerile
o inept
o comically brilliant but nonetheless pathetic
o woefully under-appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
o skate board
o bike
o large helium balloon
o Exocet missile
o covered wagon
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have
pointed it in the direction of your
o church
o car
o Craft Group
o 1/16th sized replica of the Opera House
o priceless collection of porcelain cats

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The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

o imagine
o fathom
o appreciate
o pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your
rights to
o
o
o
o
o

not vote for me as Australian of the Year

sue me
take out a contract on me
feed me to the fish in your piranha pond
ban me from attending INVERT

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, mucking around at
o
o
o
o
o

school
Friday nights
ballet classes
our parole officer's place
the therapy classes

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

o
o
o
o

friend
child
lead singer
only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
o
o
o
o
o

was so stupid
was so childish
would have been funny if it worked
you'd have done, if you had thought of it first
I think I can improve upon.

Sincerely,
... (your name here)

Year 6 Exam

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Examination
Write answers on a separate piece of paper
Q1. If my dog can lick anyone, why isnt he Heavyweight Champion of the World?
Q.2 If mineral water has trickled through mountains for centuries, why does it have
a USE BY date?
Q3. If the Professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant
he fix a hole in a boat?
Q4. If Superman is so smart, how come he wears his underpants on top of his
tights?
Q5. A man with a wooden leg is called John. Whats his other leg called?
When you have completed your answers:
Fold in half and lie on the desk.
Do the same with your paper.

Muck-up Day
Q: What did the inflatable Headmaster say to the inflatable student at their
inflatable school following Muck-up Day?
A: Youve let me down.
Youve let yourself down.
and youve let your school down.

Courtship

A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over. Theres nobody
home. I went over. There was nobody home.
She: Want to go for a walk? He: Love to. She: Well, dont let me detain
you.
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
She: Im not really your type. He: Why not? She: I have a pulse.

What are children for?

A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house and found his mum in bed. He
asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned.

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His mother replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn't feel too well.
He replied, "Well, don't worry a bit about dinner.
I'll be happy to carry you through to the kitchen."

Just ask mum

Daughter:
Mother

"How weird, Mum; last night I dreamed that I ate a five kilo
marshmallow."
"Thats nice Dearby the way, wheres your pillow?"

Vertically challenged
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood
doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow replied,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Deep thoughts

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin

If life was logical, men would ride side-saddle.

Always drink upstream from the herd

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to
myself, where on earth is the ceiling?

If you wear glasses is everything an optical illusion?

You want to know a really, really, hugely annoyingly bad habit? Overexaggeration.

A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to spell.

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There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every

morning.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and
you'll never be sure

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

Homework
He was stuck with a maths problem.
Grandpa, he said, Could you help me with this quadratic equation for my
homework?
Well, I suppose I could, son, he replied, but it wouldnt be right.
I dont suppose it would, Grandpa, said the boy, but have a shot anyway.
Education
1. Never let education interfere with learning
2. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
3. Mother: "I can write my name in the dust on the top of your bookshelves!"
Son:
"Isn't education a wonderful thing?"
4. Generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving
5. Education and intelligence are not the same thing.
6. If we keep on learning at this rate well soon know nothing at all.
Mark Twain

7. I can explain it to you but I cant understand it for you.

8. If you havent much education you must use your brain
9. Real knowledge is to know the extent of your ignorance.
10. Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your
temper.
Robert Frost

We seek it here...
He got a book for his birthday. He then spent 2 months looking for where to put the
batteries.

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Two essays
1. The Year 10 students environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:
'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the
sardines were dead.'
2. Year 7s essay on 'what would you do to try and encourage motorists to show
more consideration for others?'
I would drive a police car.

Experience
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Experience teaches you stuff you dont want to know.

Experience is what you get when you dont get what you want.
Experience is something you don't get until seconds after you need it.
Experience gives the test then presents the lesson.
Good judgement comes from bad experiences and they come from bad
judgement.

Good question
A small boy is helping his grandfather to dig up potatoes.
What I want to know, grumbled the boy,
is why you buried the damn things in the first place.

Ambition
Johnny: When I grow up I want to be a drummer.
Mum:

Now Johnny, you know that you cant do both.

Hmmm

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At the age of four I was left an orphan.

I ask you what could I do with an orphan?
Letter From INVERT
Dear Mum & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Steve is making us all write to our
parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents
and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we
were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of
the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never
would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Steve got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said
he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas bottle will blow up? The wet wood
still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to
look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Steve gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the
wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Steve said that a car that old you have
to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he
lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
The assistant leader is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is
teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys
were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Steve wouldn't let me
because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he
let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood. Steve isn't crabby. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him
any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade
and I threw up. It probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't
worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,

Freddy
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Once upon a time ...

The three bears wake up one sunny morning and go downstairs to their kitchen.
Whats this? says the Daddy bear. Ive no porridge! Whos been eating my
porridge?
The baby bear peers into its bowl and says,
Look, Ive no porridge either. Whos been eating my porridge?
Mummy bear shouts,
For goodness sake! Must we go through this charade every single morning? I
havent made the porridge yet!

We interrupt this broadcast

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the progress voting in
a political election.
At the end of the report he said:
"More on candidates at 10 p.m.
My daughter looked at me in disbelief.
"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

Dictionary
Adolescence:

(1) The age when children try to bring up their parents.

(2) The age at which children stop asking questions
because they know all the answers.

Adolescent:

A person who acts like a baby when not treated as

an adult

Alarm clock:

A device for awakening people who don't have small

children.

Artificial Intelligence: An imperfect substitute for natural stupidity

Dawn*:

A mythical time believed by teenagers to exist but which they

have never actually seen.
(* In extreme cases, substitute the word: morning)

Dark Ages: Knight time

Empty Nest: See: "WISHFUL THINKING."
Experience 1:

Something you don't get until seconds after you need it.

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Experience 2:

A teacher that gives the test then presents the lesson.

Frozen:
1. A food group. 2. State in which Hell will be when Mum lets her
daughter go out with an older guy with a motorcycle and earrings.
Geniuses: Synonym for Grandchildren
Gravity:

Not just a good idea: it's the LAW

Home:
Where teenagers go to refuel
Insanity: A hereditary disease; you get it from your kids
I wish:
Maybe:

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when

he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
No.

Mental Arithmetic: It's the thought that counts

Pillow:

Headquarters

Shouting:

A control mechanism that is about effective as using the horn to

steer your car

Towels:
Tricycle:

See "Floor Coverings"

Tot rod

Trouble:

Area of non-specific space entered frequently by offspring.

"Wait till your father gets home":

Exact time between

crime and punishment

Disaster Rehearsal
A bunch of Youth were being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.
A mock earthquake was staged, and the kids impersonated wounded persons who
were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One boy was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid
people got behind schedule, and the boy lay "wounded" for over an hour.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found
nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone home..."

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Friends
1. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there
was only one life jacket Id miss you heaps and think of you often.
2. There are two kinds of friends: those who are around when you need
them, and those who are around when they need you.
3. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
4. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde
5. Dont cheese me off! Im running out of places to hide the bodies.
6. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone
who will help you move the body.
7. Always swim or dive with a friend. It reduces your chance of being attacked by a
shark by 50%
8. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you
know which sex is smarter.

God
1. How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. John Cleese, What is
your favourite joke?
2. And God said: E = +mv^2 - Ze^2/r ...and there *WAS* light!
3. Cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic and you end up with
someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates
empirically.
Einstein

Happiness
1. Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.
2. Bill can brighten up an entire room simply by leaving a man who brings
happiness whenever he goes
3. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
4. The show had a happy ending everyone was delighted when it was
finally over.
5. "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." Spike
Milligan

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Health
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
1. Minor Operation: Any procedure carried out on anyone else
2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
3. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural
causes.
4. There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your
bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more
relaxed.
5. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me - Im afraid of widths.
6. Eat your spinach and you will grow up big and strong like Popeye.
7. You will also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyle.

Healthy home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat. Hey presto! no more blockage.
2. Avoid injuring yourself while chopping vegetables by getting a friend to
hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Super Glue.
If it doesnt move
and it should, use WD-40. If it shouldnt move and it does, use the Super
Glue.

History
1.

2.
3.

4.
5.
6.

It is no exaggeration to say that had Napoleon died in a plane crash prior to the
Battle of Trafalgar, it would have changed the economic history of Europe and
of aviation.
Tom Stoppard
Though God cannot alter the past, historians can. Samuel Butler
History is written by the winners. Napoleon Bonaparte
History: just one damn thing after another
History is like education - the process of going from cocksure ignorance to
thoughtful uncertainty
Until the lion has a historian of his own, the tale of the hunt will always
glorify the hunter.
(African Proverb)

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Insults
1. If they ever put a price on your head, take it.
2. It's all right to donate your brain to science, but you should have waited
till you died.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. He was as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a packed string
section
5. I have to say that in all the years I have known him, no one has ever
questioned his intelligence. In fact, Ive never heard anyone mention it.
6. No matter how trivial, somebody will find a way to take it way too
seriously.

Intelligence and IQ
1. In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that
He did not also limit his stupidity. Konrad Adenauer(1876 1967) German
statesman
2. Education and intelligence are not the same thing
3. When in doubt, look intelligent.
4. The world is filled with educated idiots
5. I can explain it to you but I cant understand it for you.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life

Lateral thinking
1.
2.
3.
4.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.
5. You are very funny. But looks arent everything.

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Learning
1. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you wake up in
the morning and it doesnt stop until you get up to speak in public
2.
3.
4.
5.

Generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving
Ive learned to procrastinate now and not to put it off
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

Mistakes
1. If you dont learn from your mistakes, whats the point in making them?
2. I am sorry I offended you with my critique. I should have lied.
3. Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making
the same mistake. Alfred E. Neuman
4. One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
5. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something
completely fool proof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams

Music
1. Banjo tunes: When you have heard one, youve heard them both.
2. Virtuoso: A musician with really high morals
3. Refrain: means "don't do it". In a song it means you'd better not try to sing
this bit.
4. Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
5. Difference between a saxophone and lawn mower is that the neighbours are
upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
6. Difference between a saxophone and a chain saw is that you can tune a
chainsaw
7. Similarity between a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower? Both command
immediate attention and alarm and force everyone to move out of range.
8. Difference between bagpipes and onions: No one cries when you chop
up a set of bagpipes.
9. What do all great conductors have in common? They're all dead
10. What's the difference between a conductor and a terrorist? You can
negotiate with a terrorist.

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Five easy ways to say No

I'd love to, but...
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I feel a song coming on.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.

Praise and flattery

1. Flattery is telling people exactly what they think of themselves.
2. Flattery is the sincerest form of lying; it is the art of saying the right
thing for the wrong reason.
3. God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own
backs nor kick ourselves too easily.
4. Having critics praise you feels a little like a hangman admiring your
neck.
5. Atheist Dial-a-Prayer: you ring the number but no one ever answers

Preachers
1. The last time he gave a sermon he had the congregation glued to their seats
which, in hindsight, was a terribly good idea.
2. What a preacher! His sermons were like water to a drowning man.
3. Marvellous preacher! At the end of every sermon there was a tremendous
awakening.
4. He preached like a Bishop his sermons seemed to only progress
diagonally.
5. Some sermons are preached straight from the shoulder. Pity they didnt
originate slightly higher up.

Im not saying that his sermon was overly long, but it was sad that I didnt get
the opportunity to see my children growing up

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School
1) At school I spent so much time standing in the corner, I grew up thinking I was
a fern
2) Home:
Where to go to refuel
3) Trouble:
Area of non-specific space entered frequently.
4) The HSC were the happiest three years of my life.
5) "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was
covered on the final exam."
6) "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
7) The exam questions were easy. It was the answers that were the
problem.

Tough Guys
1. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob
Hope
2. For Al Capone, the difference between a dead body and a Ferrari is that he
didnt have a Ferrari in his garage.
3. He knew he was an unwanted baby when he saw that his bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
4. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
5. The Hitman had a sticker on the butt of his shotgun: For best results, Do Not
Leave at Crime Scene

Wit and repartee

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

Home is where the house is.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
On the other hand, you have different fingers
One day, obsolescence will be a thing of the past
The trouble with being punctual is that there is no one there to appreciate it.
Cast your bread upon the waters but make sure the tide is coming in.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere out in the universe is that
they havent bothered to contact us.
8) There are two theories to winning an argument with mum in full flight.
Neither works.

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