Tom, Dick and Harry, and a

Platypus.
By
Michael John Holburt

Michael John Holburt

46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk

Ext. OUTBACK SHACK- NIGHT

Friends lie on the floor, smoking pot.
Staring at The Night Sky.
TOM
Rightso you know dem Platypuses?
DICK
Its Platypi marra.
TOM
You What?
DICK
Duh plural is Platypi
TOM
Whateva, so you them platypuses?
DICK
What about em?
TOM
Dere..weird..arent they?
DICK
Mehseen weirder
TOM
Its like a Duck that wants to be a beaver

DICK
Noits a Beaver that looks like a duck
TOM
Michael John Holburt
46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk

The fuck? Its obviously more duck than beaver

DICK
Are you high?
TOM
Aye.
DICK
The only thing a platypus has in common with a
duck is a beak. So its more beaver than duck
TOM
Platypuses have a bill Dick
DICK
Its Platypi, you smegging dilweed.
Harry gets up with a startle and chimes in
HARRY
Yer both wrong!!!
TOM and DICK
(in unison)
You What?!
HARRY
The Platypuses used to be a duck and a beaver,
however the powers that be decided to play God
and fused them together
TOM
How?
HARRY
Polymerization.
Michael John Holburt
46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk

DICK
Thats from Yugioh, ya window licker.
HARRY
YES! Im getting to thatPolymerization is card
that is from yugioh also know as duel monsters
and where does duel monsters come from? ANCIENT
EGYPT
DICK
For Fucks sake.
HARRY
The ancient Egyptians were known for their animal
fusing but they could not accomplish this due to
technology of the day so David Cameron stole the
Ark of The covenant which holds the ingredients
to animal fusion and created theplatypus
TOM
And dis is a threat.hooooow?
HARRY
They have THUMBS!!!
DICK
..And?
HARRY
The Platypus are gonna steal our Cravendale.
DICK
Wat.
HARRY
No Cravendale equals starvation equals profit for
the capitalists. Boom.
Michael John Holburt
46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk

DICK
SHUT UP HARRY. IF I WANTED TO HEAR FROM AN
ARSEHOLE I WOULD FUCKING FART.
TOM
Look ere lads, I think we can a just agree that
a platypus is just a duck with fur.
DICK
HOW?! Again the only bird thing about it is that
it has a bill otherwise it is obviously a beaver
with a duck bill! It even has a beaver tail

HARRY
They made the beaver tail to look like a waffle
so that people will bite into it and get poisoned
and then get deaded.
TOM
Right thats it. I say we break into the Platypus
enclosure at the Zoo so we can finally get this
over with and see whos right!
DICK
HELLA YES.
HARRY
Fools! We are walking in their trap, they await
with potato peelers to remove our elbow skin!

Michael John Holburt

46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk

Int. NEWSROOM Night

A news broadcast interrupts the video to
bring you an important message. The anchor
is at a desk
ANCHOR
Breaking News three individuals have
broken into the Dillydale City Zoo.
Reports have said that 75 year old Thomas
Langley has tried to feed a Monkey a
churro, 80 Year Old Richard Scott went
skinny dipping in the aquarium, and 97
Year Old Harrison Georgie has hijacked a
Giraffe and is currently riding it
throughout the city. Police are in
pursuit. Thankfully the Platypus enclosure
has not been breached or touched.
More on this at 10.

END

Michael John Holburt

46 Valley Park
Whitehaven, Cumbria
michael@holburt.org.uk