Volume 1 | Issue 1

2/13/2016

Mayberry Times

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Andrew Harling
A wacky and shocking event took place last night down by Pike
River. All was quiet here in Mayberry when the local sheriff's
department responded to a call reported by a homeowner near the

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water. The report stated that over ten loud explosions were heard
down at the river accompanied by screaming from a male and female.
This was the night of the big game and as us locals know, a lot of
celebrating was going on at Drew's Tavern. Sherriff Max Power

arrived on scene not quite knowing what to expect. As he headed

down to the river the epic loud blasts continued so he un-holstered his

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weapon while approaching. He shined his flashlight into the middle of

the river and discovered the well-known wild biker duo Betty and Al

Coholic. By this time a few neighbors had wandered out from their

dwellings to catch a glimpse of the chaos. To everyone's shock and

chagrin, Betty and Al were completely nude. Well, that's not the whole

truth; both partying love birds were wearing only Mayberry Broncos

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beanies while standing and dancing on a homemade raft. That fact

alone may have got them off with another stern warning to not drink

so much down at the pub. Only problem was they were throwing live

grenades into nearby caves while celebrating the Broncos big win. A

trip to the local jail was the least of their worries for the foreseeable

future. Locating towels to cover them up was high on Officer Power's

to do list!

Otis Spirit
By: Jessica James
New employee Otis Campbell is arrested at the Mayberry Spirits Distillery.
The distillery they offer tours with moonshine, whiskey, and brandy tasting
all wonderfully handcrafted. Otis was gibing a tour to Andy and his new
lover as reported by Adriana Raugust. When the couple was ending their
tour they have tasting of a life time. As a tour guide Otis was not supposed
to be drinking on the job. After the shot glasses were continuously field he
was belligerently drunk. Otis was arrested by his really good friend Andy
while on his tour of the distillery. Andy charged him with drunken and
disorderly conduct, also for public nudity. He will be at the Mayberry Jail
for the next two months then he will be transferred to a rehab house.
Though this does not show what a great distillery this is; the distillery still
prides themselves on making the finest drinks in town.

THERE IS A NEW SHERIFF IN

MAYBERRY
Taylor Lesko
News travels fast in a small town and word got out that there were going to
be some new visitors coming to Mayberry, North Carolina this weekend.
February 14th everything is going to change for us folks here. Its crazy to
think that the man, the myth, the legend is going to come and try and
change Sheriff Andy Taylor's town. The man to try and make these changes
happen is the one and only RICK GRIMES. News got out that in Georgia
all these 'walkers' started to roam the streets and it makes it hard to live. It
will be interesting to see Officer Grimes and Sheriff Taylor battle it out. The
people of Mayberry are just confused as to why these fellas gotta come to
our neck of the woods. The people of Mayberry are scared and confused.
They have heard rumors that Rick and his group of friends are willing to do

ANYTHING to stay alive. Sheriff Taylor tells the people of Mayberry not
to worry because there is not and will not be any zombies coming to eat our
brains soon.

Could this be the start to a new trend?

Over the past few weeks the people of the City of Mayberry have been anxiously
waiting together in the court room. Several weeks ago, Mayberry local and pop
artist sensation, OPIE, walked into Floyd, the barbers shop. OPIE explained to
Floyd that she wanted to go from her iconic blonde hair to brown hair with some
blonde highlights right before her first tour show. Local superstar has been going
to Floyd since she was a young girl, she trusted Floyd with her hair and
reputation. After 5 hours of anticipation and nerves getting to her Floyd revealed
her new hair. As OPIE looked in the mirror to see her new brown hair, she was
surprised. It appeared that her hair was now green. OPIE cried hysterically and
began to think that this was a joke. Floyd explained to her that it was not his
fault. It was the company who gives them the hair color. After many tears and
begging for him to fix it he said he would fix it for another charge. As most
celebrities would think, money was not the issue. Floyd began to recolor OPIEs
hair. After another 3 hours of treatment trying to change this green to brown,
OPIE began to feel discouraged. Floyd showed OPIE the new color, she was
pleased. As Floyd began to brush through her hair he couldnt help but notice that
her hair was falling out. After brushing through it all, she no longer had the longer
healthy hair that everyone associated her with. After much deliberation OPIE is
suing Floyd for emotional stress that led to physical harm on her and her body.
OPIE is also suing the hair coloring company for labeling products wrong and not
giving out warning labels with their products. This case is scheduled to close
around February 26, 2016.
To stay up to date on this case, continue to check your local Mayberry Newspaper.

A Zombie in Mayberry?
By: Sarah Hunt
Today in Mayberry, children were playing at the local baseball field early this
morning when they spotted a man passed out on the field surrounded by
screaming women. Opie (Sheriff Griffins son) spotted the man first and sent for
his father. While Opie waited for help he walked over to the man with some water.
As he walked up he noticed the man had a bruise on his head. Opie stated, The
man looked like he had a bump the size of a baseball on his head. When help
finally came it was Sherriff Andy Griffin and Deputy Barney Fife. Deputy Fife
stated, When I saw the man I thought he was dead. When he moved I knew he
was a zombie because no man could survive an injury to their head like that one.
When the man finally became conscious he told us his story. His name was

Goober Pyle. He stated, I was walking around the field early this morning when
some women on the field. He then stated that one of the women was someone he
knew so he walked over to her. Goober then asked the women what they were
doing out so early in the morning. They stated that they were practicing their
routine for the upcoming Mayberry Talent Show that was in a week. He offered to
help and give his opinion and the women agreed. Goober said half way though the
routine, which was a dancing act combined with acrobats, and one of the women
went flying in the air and her shoe came off and hit him on the head.
When we questioned the owner of the shoe she stated that she was very sorry and
embarrassed. She asked to remain anonymous. She did however offer to pay for
Goobers medical expenses and take him out for an apologetic dinner. She also
reminded us that we should all attend the Mayberry Talent Show next weekend.
Now that Goober is awake with minor injuries Deputy Fife feels safer knowing
that he will not turn into a zombie. Deputy Fife stated, Now that I saved the town
from zombies we can all relax and look forward to the talent show. But always
remember a womans shoe to the head may be more dangerous than any zombie.

The Mayberry Weather Report

The town of Mayberry is famous for their unusual weather but todays weather
changed it all. This morning it was raining cats and dogs! Ever since the town was
established the whole month of September would rain different breeds of cats and
dogs. Never has the town of Mayberry had a day outside of the month of
September where it would rain cats and dogs until today. Residents of Mayberry
were extremely confused on why there were cats and dogs on their front
yards.This isn't the first odd thing to happen to our town. Meteorologists have
predicted with this weather today will be causing a whole week of odd weather.
Starting tomorrow there will be a black portal appearing in the town park, where
it leads to nobody knows. Nobody knows what will happened for this week of odd
weather so this next week will be a huge surprise to all.
- Kirstin Sanchez