Play on Words, a verbal comedy for readers theatre by Theodore V.

Kundrat
Cast of Characters
He.
She.
Him.
Her.
Narrators.

Whos on First
Coach
Manager
Player 1
Player 2
Who
What

Laddle Rat Rotten Hut

Little Red
Narrators 1-4
Mother
Father
Wolf

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Play on Words
NARRATOR : Hello! I am your narrator, and I have just greeted you with an
exclamatory interjection hello!
NARRATOR : Hello! I am also your narrator, and I have greeted you with the
same exclamatory interjection. Of the few words classified as exclamations,
hello is the word most often used in written and spoken English. It is a word
of greeting, and can be said in various ways expressing many different
feelings and emotions.
NARRATOR : Since the following stories are all about words, we will now
introduce you to my verbal interpreters who thoroughly enjoy playing with
words.
NARRATOR : We refer to them as our friendly personal pronouns. Each
pronoun will greet you with hello, but please note the specific meaning
implied with each greeting. First there is He
HE: (Speaking cheerfully) Hello!
NARRATOR : Next to He is She.
SHE: (Speaking excitedly) Hello!
NARRATOR : Next to She is Him.
HIM: (Speaking indifferently) Hello!
NARRATOR : And next to Him his Her.
HER: (Speaking surprisedly) Hello!
NARRATOR : Each hello expressed a different meaning. Lets hear them
again.
HE: Hello!
NARRATOR : Cheerfully.
SHE: Hello!
NARRATOR : Excitedly.
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Play on Words
HIM: Hello!
NARRATOR 1: Indifferently.
HER: Hello!
NARRATOR : Surprisedly. And there are others.
HE: Sarcastically hello.
SHE: Astonishedly hello!
HIM: Bashfully hello.
HER: Hi famously! (HER waves to the audience)
NARRATOR : Hi, yes! That is the synonymous equivalent to hello.
HER: (Taking a few steps forward, waving as if to fans) Hi!... Hi!...
(NARRATORS try to get her attention) Hi!... Hi!...
NARRATOR : Stop, Her!... Stop, Her! (gets louder) I said stop, Her!
HER: (blowing kisses and waving out to audience) Hi!
NARRATORS: (gesture toward others, speak together) Stop her!
HE, SHE, and HIM: Oh! (They cross to HER. SHE clamps her hand over HERS

mouth, HE takes HERs right arm and HIM takes HERS left arm. All three drag
HER back to her stool, then return to their places)
NARRATOR : (sighing) You see, pronouns can become quite personal.
HER: (as is suddenly realizing what shed just done) oh.
HE: (questioningly) Oh?
SHE: (disgustedly) Oh!
HIM: (fearfully) Oh!
HER: (pitifully) Oh.

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Play on Words
NARRATOR : Oh, yes! Primitive man had no words, but by vocal sounds, he
was able to express his desires.
NARRATOR : The human voice is a marvelous musical instrument that is quite
capable of coloring words with a variety of inflections and intonations adding
stress or accents whenever necessary.
NARRATOR: Now, if one of our friendly pronouns can refrain from becoming
overly emotional, we will proceed with the exclamation ah. (During this

statement HER points to herself as the guilty pronoun.)

NARRATOR: Pronouns, are you ready?
HE, SHE, and HIM: (emphatically, together.) Yes!
HER. (Belated, meekly.) Yes.
NARRATOR: (With a reprimanding gestures.) ah-ah-ah! Thats an example of
a negative reaction three ahs in succession.
NARRATOR: And now, according to the man of expression suggested He,
give us joy or pleasure.
HE: (Sustaining the vowel quality) Ah!
NARRATOR: She, what about agonizing pain?
SHE: (Aspirately uttering the vowel sound in a staccato manner three times.)
A-ah-a!
NARRATOR: Him, you are frightened or horrified.
HIM: (In rising crescendo.) Ah!
NARRATOR: And Her, you
HER: (Interrupting the narrator) a-ha!
NARRATOR: Ah, an exclamation expressing Triumph!
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Play on Words
NARRATOR: And you have triumphed, Her. Very good! (HER rises, takes a

bow, and quickly sits down. HE, SHE, and HIM applaud her.)
NARRATORS: (Look at each other, frazzled. Together, make the radio gesture
for cut) Cut! (HE, SHE, and HIM stop applauding)
NARRATOR: Thank you. Now, I believe we are all sufficiently warmed up,
so
NARRATOR: Without further ado
ALL: Enjoy the show!

--End of Intro

COACH: Well, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager
here gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
PLAYER 1: Oh! So, you two must know all the players.
COACH: I certainly do.
MANAGER: Of course!
PLAYER 2: Well you know we've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell
us their names, and then we'll know who's playing on the team.
MANAGER: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me
they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
COACH: Oh yeah! Let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's
on second, I Don't Know is on third...
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Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

PLAYER 1: That's what I want to find out.
COACH: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
PLAYER 1: No. No. Youre the manager?
MANAGER: Yes.
PLAYER 1: Do you know the fellas names?
MANAGER: Well I should.
PLAYER 2: Well then who's on first?
MANAGER: Yes.
PLAYER 2: I mean the fellow's name.
COACH: Who.
PLAYER 1: The guy on first.
MANAGER: Who.
PLAYER 2: The first baseman.
COACH: Who.
PLAYER 1: The guy playing...
COACH & MANAGER: Who is on first!
PLAYER 1 & 2: I'm asking you who's on first.
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COACH: That's the man's name.
PLAYER 2: That's who's name?
COACH: Yes.
MANAGER: That's it.
PLAYER 1: That's who?
COACH & MANAGER: Yes.
PAUSE
PLAYER 1: Look, you got a first baseman?
MANAGER: Certainly.
PLAYER 1 & 2: Who's playing first?
COACH & MANAGER: (excited they finally got it) That's right.
PLAYER 2: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets
the money?
COACH: Every dollar of it.
PAUSE
PLAYER 2: What I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name?
MANAGER: Who.
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PLAYER 2: The guy.
MANAGER: Who.
PLAYER 2: How does he sign...
MANAGER: That's how he signs it.
PLAYER 2: Who?
MANAGER: Yes.
PAUSE
PLAYER 1: All were trying to find out is what's the guys name on first
base.
COACH: No. What is on second base.
PLAYER 1: I'm not asking you who's on second.
MANAGER: Who's on first.
PLAYER 2: One base at a time!
COACH: Well, don't change the players around.
PLAYER 1: I'm not changing nobody! I'm only asking you, who's the guy on
first base?
COACH: That's right.
PLAYER 1: OK.
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Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

COACH: Alright.
PAUSE
PLAYER 2: What's the guy's name on first base?
MANAGER: No. What is on second.
PLAYER 2: I'm not asking you who's on second.
COACH: Who's on first.
PLAYER 2: I don't know.
MANAGER: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
PLAYER 2: Now how did I get on third base?
COACH: You mentioned his name.
PLAYER 1: If he mentioned the third baseman's name, who did he say is
playing third?
COACH: No. Who's playing first.
PLAYER 1: What's on base?
MANAGER: What's on second.
PLAYER 1 & 2: I don't know.
COACH & MANAGER: He's on third.
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PAUSE
PLAYER 2: Now who's playing third base?
COACH: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
PLAYER 2: What am I putting on third.
MANAGER: No. What is on second.
PLAYER 1: You don't want who on second?
COACH: Who is on first.
PLAYER 1 & 2: I don't know.
ALL: Third base!
PAUSE
PLAYER 1: Look, you got an outfield?
COACH: Sure.
PLAYER 1: Then tell me who's playing left field.
COACH: Who's playing first.
PLAYER 2: Stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the guy's name
in left field?
MANAGER: No, What is on second.
PLAYER 2: I'm not asking you who's on second.
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MANAGER: Who's on first!
PLAYER 2: I don't know.
ALL: Third base!
PAUSE
PLAYER 1: The left fielder's name?
COACH: Why.
PLAYER 1: Because!
COACH: Oh, he's center field.
PAUSE
PLAYER 1: (going to try a new tactic) You know I'm a catcher.
COACH: So they tell me.
PLAYER 1: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, and a heavy
hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the
ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I
pick up the ball and throw it to who?
MANAGER: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
PLAYER 1: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
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COACH: That's all you have to do.
PLAYER 2: Is to throw the ball to first base.
COACH & MANAGER: Yes!
PLAYER 2: Now who's got it?
WHO: You guys talking about me?
COACH: Yes! As a matter of fact we are. This is Who.
PLAYER 1: How should I know; Ive never met the guy?!
COACH: Well, now you have.
PLAYER 2: Who?
MANAGER: Yes.
PLAYER 1: Look, would you tell me your name?
WHO: Who.
PLAYER 1: You.
COACH: Who.
PLAYER 2: Him.
WHO: Me?
PLAYER 1 & 2: Yes!
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WHO: Who.
PLAYER 1 & 2: What is your name?
MANAGER: No, What is on second; this is Who.
PLAYER 1: Thats what Im trying to find out!
(PAUSE)
PLAYER 2: Okay, when I say hello to this fella right here, Im saying hello
to who.
WHO: Hello, nice to meet you.
COACH: See, now youre starting to get it.
PLAYER 2: Get what?!
WHAT: Im right here.
PLAYER 1: And who are you?
WHO: Im Who.
PLAYER 1: What?
WHAT: Yes?
(PLAYERS 1 & 2 groan)
PLAYER 2: Whos this fella?
MANAGER: No, Who is that fella.
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Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

WHO: I am Who. Who am I.
PLAYER 2: How am I supposed to know?! Whats youre name.
COACH: No, Whats his name.
PLAYER 2: Im not asking you what his name is. Im asking you, who is this
fella right here.
WHO: Thats right.
PLAYER 1: But whats his name.
WHAT: What is my name.
PLAYER 1 & 2: You dont know your name?
WHAT: Of course I do.
PLAYER 2: Well then, tell me.
WHAT: What.
PLAYER 2: Your name.
WHAT: What.
PLAYER 1: Whats wrong with this guy?
COACH: Who?
WHO: What?
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WHAT: Yes?
PLAYER 2: (groans) I think hes got a hearing problem.
COACH: Who?
WHO: What?
WHAT: Yes?
WHO: Look, cant you see Im talking to him.
WHAT: Who?
WHO: What?
WHAT: Who?
WHO: What?
WHAT: Who?
WHO: What?
WHAT: Who?
COACH: Now, now! Im glad thats all cleared up. Hes Who, and Whats
his name.
COSTELLO: I dont know!
ALL: Third base!
PLAYER 2: Okay, so Im catcher. Heavy hitter bunts the ball. I throw the
ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who
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picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know.
Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why?
I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
COACH: What?
WHAT: Yes?
PLAYERS 1 & 2: I don't give a darn!
MANAGER: Oh, that's our shortstop.
(PLAYER 1 & 2 makes screaming sound)

1 little monkey
Was goin 2 the store
When he saw a banana 3
Hed never climbed be4.
By 5 oclock that evenin
He was 6 with a stomach ache
Cause 7 green bananas
Was what the monkey 8.
By 9 oclock that evenin
That monkey was quite ill,
So 10 we called the doctor
Who was 11 on the hill.
The doctor said, youre almost dead.
Dont eat green bananas no more.
The sick little monkey groaned and said,
But thats what I 1-2 the 3-4.
WHAT DID
What did the carrot say to the wheat?
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Intermission
Lettuce rest, Im feeling beet
What did the paper say to the pen?
I feel quite all write, my friend.
What did the teapot say to the chalk?
Nothing, you silly teapots cant talk!
ANTEATER
A genuine anteater,
The pet man told my dad.
Turned out, it was an aunt eater,
And now my uncles mad!

RUNNY COOKS FOR LINDERELLA

Prince Runny went to the Boyal Rall.
Now hes a busy fellah,
Running round with that slass glipper
Cookin for Linderella.
All nay, all dight, he tries it on
Every girl he meets.
The only things Ive found, he says,
Are lots of felly smeet.

NARRATOR 1: Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift
wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist.
NARRATOR 2: Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck
wetter ladle rat hut, and fur disk raisin, pimple colder Ladle Rat
Rotten Hut.
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Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

NARRATOR 3: Wan moaning, rat rotten huts murder colder inset
MOTHER: Ladle rat rotten hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden
barter and shirker cockles. Tick disc ladle basking to dor cordage ofhzr
groin murder hoe lets honor udder she onbr florist.
FATHER: Shaker lake!
NARRATOR 4: Sadder fodder.
FATHER: Dun stopper laundry wrote, end yonder nor sorghum
stenches, stopper torque wet strainers.
RED RIDING: Hoe-cake, Murder.
NARRATOR 4: Resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, end tickle ladle
basking an stuttered oft.
NARRATOR 1: Honor wrote tudor cordage offer groin murder, lade rat
rotten hut mitten anomalous woof.
WOLF: Wail, wail, wail!
NARRATOR 2: Set disc wicket woof
WOLF: Evanescent ladle rat rotten hut! Wares or putty ladle gull goring
wizard ladle basking?
RED RIDING: Armor goring tumor groin murders.
NARRATOR 3: Reprisal ladle gull
RED RIDING: Grammars seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden
barter end shirker cockles!
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WOLF: O hoe! Heifer blessing woke.
NARRATOR 4: Setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf
WOLF: Oil tickle shirt court tudor cordage offer groin murder. Oil
ketchup wetter letter, and den o bore!
NARRATOR 1: Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court.
NARRATOR 2: End whinny retched a cordage offer groin murder,
picket inner widow an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet.
NARRATOR 3: Inner flesh, disc abdominal woof lipped honor better
adder rope.
NARRATOR 4: Zany pool dawn a groin murders nut cup an gnat gun,
any curdle dope inner bet.
NARRATOR 1: Inner ladle wile, ladle rat rotten hut a raft attar
cordage an ranker dough bell.
WOLF: Comb ink, sweat hard
NARRATOR 2: Setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse.
NARRATOR 3: Ladle rat rotten hut entity bet rum end stud buyer
groin murders bet.

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RED RIDING: Oh grammar
NARRATOR 4: Crater ladle gull
RED RIDING: Wart bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!
WOLF: Buttered lucky chew whiff, doling
NARRATOR 4: Whiskered disc ratchet woof wetter wicket small.
RED RIDING: Oh grammar, water bag mousey gut! A Nervous sore
suture anomalous prognosis!
WOLF: Buttered small your whiff
NARRATOR 1: Inserter woof, ants mouse worse waddling.
RED RIDING: Oh grammar, water bag mousey gut! A nervous sore
suture bag mouse!
NARRATOR 2: Daze worry on forger nut gulls lest warts.
NARRATOR 3: Oil offer sodden throne offer carvers and sprinkling
otter bet

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NARRATOR 4: Disc curl and bloat Thursday woof ceased pore ladle rat
rotten hut and garbled erupt.
NARRATORS: Mural:
ALL: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet
strainers.

NARRATOR: There you have it: words, inflection, and pronunciation working together to
bring you colorful storytelling.
NARRTOR: And now, my friends, we must part with a closing final word.

(HE, SHE, HIM, and HER eagerly respond.)

HE: (Happily) Goodbye!
SHE: (Emphatically) Goodbye!
HIM: (Sadly) Goodbye.
HER: (Questioningly.) Goodbye?
NARRATOR: No, that is not the word.
HE, SHE, HIM, and HER: (Together) Farewell?
NARRATOR: No, farewell also means goodbye. This is a special theatrical word.
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Ending
(They respond quickly in succession.)
HE: Conclusion!
SHE: Termination!
HIM: Finale!
HER: End?

(NARRATORS shake their heads no. HE, SHE, HIM, and HER continue with dramatic
fervor, overly gesticulating.)
HE: Adios!
SHE: Adieu!
HIM: Auf Wiedersehen!
HER: Finis!
HE: Au revoir!
SHE: Sayonara!
HIM: A rivederci!
HER: Ciao?
NARRATOR: (Clapping hands) Stop! May I get a word in edgewise?
NARRATOR: You are being jocular
NARRATOR: jocose
NARRATOR: and jocund.
HE, SHE, HIM, and HER: Oh?
NARRATOR: Considering the many parts you have played in etymology, you could go
indefinitely
NARRATOR: ad infinitum! Are we correct?
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Ending
HE: Si!
SHE: Da!
HIM: Ja!
HER: Yeah! (HER laughs giddily.)
NARRATOR: Lets cease this toying with words and return to our proper places.

(They respond word after word, in rapid succession, creating a complete sentence.)
HE: But
SHE: what
HIM:about
HER: that
HE: special
SHE: theatrical
HIM: word
HER: sir?
NARRATOR: Here is a clue. Its a noun spelled with seven letters and pronounced with two
syllables comprising five speech sounds or phonemes. Is that comprehensible?

(Pause as HE, SHE, HIM, and HER mull over the NARRATORS STATEMENT. They nod
yes.)
NARRATOR: Good! You will come to that special word amongst the dramatic nouns.
NARRATOR: Ill be seeing and hearing you anon. (Waves) Toodle-oo (He closes his script,

presses it fondly against his chest, and walks out proudly.)

HE, SHE, HIM, and HER: Tootle-oo?
HE: Another interjection!

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Ending
SHE: Of course!
HIM: What else!
HER: How plebeian!

(They pause as they all lean forward in a thinking position.)

HE, SHE, HIM, and HER: That special theatrical word.
HE: Its a noun
SHE: spelled with seven letters
HIM:and pronounced with two syllabus
HER: comprising five sounds or phonemes.

(There is a pause as each in his/her own way is thinking. HER begins to turn the pages of
her script. HER comes to the last page, looks at it closely, and then quickly jumps up.)
HER: Whoopee!
HE: Whoopee?
SHE: Thats not a noun.
HIM: Thats another interjection.
HER: No! Yes! I mean I shouted whoopee because I found the word! Right here on the
last page. (HER points to the page)

(HE, SHE, and HIM excitedly turn to the last page.)

HE: Oh!
SHE: Ah!
HIM: Indeed!
HER: Right?

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Ending
HE, HIM, SHE, and HER: (close scripts together, and hold them close to chests, in mock of
NARRATOR. Announcing together, proudly) Curtain!
--END--

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