yn ‘| FY a Gel For Spy vs. Spy” gear, gifts and more visit Sit Se Ee ee"Don's ask, don't tall” was & terrible policy for the milttary, bye a great one for Internet search histories! C / | LY | | r NUMBER 515 Departments JUNE 2012 1 The MAD Table of Contents 2 Random Samplings of Reader Mail RANDOM ors OF noLese oeFARTMENT ‘The Fundalini Pages 43, 27,53. THE APPLE OF OUR IRE DEPARTRAENT An iPhone Ad We'd Like to See 14 the Hunger Pains” (A MAD Movie Satie) 20 WERE’ No avout une AN oLp aout DEPARTMENT Everyday Annoyances of Elderly Monsters 23 PLIERS BEWARE DEPARTMENT The Hazard Fraught Tools Catalog 28 east Revered Classical Music 30 The MAD Vault IN B10e we trust oEPARTMENT 34 Danet Taal! 37 The MAD Strip Club 4 taeket List fer Underathievers 42, 19K & DaaoeR DEPARTMENT Spy vs. Spy 15, THE HATE OF THE UNION DEPARTMENT The 50 Worst Things About America 541 WoRos warn BENDS oePaerMeNT Playing Scrabble with Inexperienced Scuba Divers ‘STRIP MAULED DEPARTMENT When Comic Strips Besides Doonesbury Address Controversial Women’s Issues nin pest DEPARTMENT Z An E"Trade Baby Ad We'd Like to See Another Ridiculous MAD Fold-in ® -Inside Back Cover eee Bh AE Tere ME Various Places Around the Magazine COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON uno (5s 078 9319s publ 6 tes a yest by EC Pubs Ic, 1900 Baier, New Yok, HL OD9. Pia pena pila Mer Yok, LY. soe eine wan aes Ubictpnen i USA 6 bars 51999, & keurs Dope Eton ony 4909, Oaste US fering Cahaan 6 eaves $2209. Atcm 8 wes tr delve of st one, Eat Cotes ‘ capun 212 by Ec. Pala, Ic, fou 30 men fr change adace bacon eects ard cle aing bel wen mig ange of adress ce cting Mutya berg on PosIMASiCR ays 2s cnet Mad, PO Hot SH be ony 98853 The able nd Eis wl ose sora tucks mans She th amas be sees brass sf ceed rata crnsoge. Fe same of chractetswed ina NAO ete nde ten wef 4 sary whow sre urpaze a lieg peron a conc, Pred BUSAand PT’ e]) ters Ss Tol mato oes Br SPY VS. SPIDER T'm 13 years old and [love your magazine. One day, as Iwas perusing the magazine rack at Kroger, I found the newest issme of MAD buried under a bunch of Reader's Digests. When I opened the magazine, a spider fell out and hit my shoe. Maybe you should start offering, subscriptions to spiders — they seem to have taken an interest. Milan, ‘Chunga Din — You found a spider in your issue of MAD?1? That means you won [MAD's “Find a Spider” Sweepstakes! It’ like Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket — but instead of getting a tour of his fabulous chocolate factory you get a spider ‘on your shoe (while supplies last)! Congratulations! Now that the contests. ‘ver. please send the spider back, Hisname is Reggie and he is missed. —Ed, NO CLIMB OR REASON This December I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, and of course | brought my MAD magazine! ‘The peak is at 19,341 feet, soat that altitude your thinking begins to get alittle fuzzy (ike after you read MAD), but luckily [ vemersbered to pull out say MAD magazine and snap 2 quick picture before we headed back down. As aloyal subscriber for three years and running, | hope you can publish this in an upcoming issue. Osca Outside Leinbacher —That sounds like a grueling journey — but atleast you were prepared! Every mountaineering manual we've ever read (and we've read them ALL) says that you shouldn't scale one ofthe world's highest peaks without packing the latest issue of MAD! We hope you didn't need any of the ‘oxygen, first aid supplies or foad that you took out to make room for the issue —but, on the other hand, that Spy vs. Spy article was pretty great, hut? Ed. THE MAKE A DUMB WISH FOUNDATION™ Love your MAD magazine, so please enjoy my robot Alfred E, Neuman (Albot),I would like to propose this would make a fantastic cover or at least appear in the magazine. ‘Thank you for your consideration ae Clarke Met ‘Transformers: Clark of the Moon — At the Make a Dumb Wish Foundation”, we strive to make our readers’ dumbest wishes come true. And with that in mind, we're granting BOTH of your requests — we're putting Albot ON a cover IN the magazine! Isn't that great?!? Who knows what's next — Albot t-shirts and, ‘05? Albot movies and cartoons? An Albot theme park?!2! ‘The sky's the limit! (incidentally, bot is aw a registered trade- mark of DC Entertain: ‘ment —Albot and all Albot-elated characters, likenesses and related ica are trademarked in perpetuity. Thanks for ‘the great idea! And if you ever decide to visit ‘the new Albot-and in Columbus, OH, we can promise you a coupon for one free small soft drink..with purchase of a larger soft drink.) td THE MISSING INK I'm 13 years old and [love MAD! But you guys always seer to not give me my money's worthl In MAD #514, you conveniently eft off the article "Whavif Herman. Cain Becarse a Chiropractor?” In MAD 4513, you left off “What If Universities Had a Jell-O Wrestling Major?” You did the same shingin MAD #512, 511, 510) and S09! Doyou guys enjoy making me suffer? Or do you guys need to hive a new editar? Jack N Near-Beer — The answer to both of your questions Is "Yes." However, your letter was a real wake-up call! And asa result, ‘we've redoubled our editorial efforts and we're confident is the ast Youll Findan article # Be though doy snoy mating US sale? Would it kill you to focus on all the articles we remembered to leave IN? Maybe try seeing 3) a the ls shall fora change! Ed gt AS READER ALERT ‘Andrew Farego over at the Cartoon art Museum in San Fran ‘ etna control PR firms and spin dectors: elie ao ceed Danforth & Lang Communications. way The Starr Group ok WorldPress Public Relations tik Zeitgeist Messaging, LLC 4 M ARABS ome) 2h) (oh ob OU MANA C CECE UMe ie ne Reels occu olae bane lacesBoas Recently, Doonesbury featured a series of sti satirng the Texas lew mandating that women must undergo an invasive medical prccecure before terminating pregnancy. Because ofthe controversial nature ofthe stips, many newspapers chese not to run tem. AS a result, isa pretty goad bet that no ather comie strips will be dipping ther toe in these waters anytime soon. So wel have to. it for them. When Comic Strips Besides Doonesbury Address Controversial Women’s Issues 1M MAKING YoU, IBLE HAGAR THE HORR om seizing Your | \ HEAVEN — TIC IAMS oon AARR OSH! nym, — @ebpvmunne our) AWAITS ‘Grarn Gontel, ] Arties OM, \ Siatiporme,, BPAY Ge sthosuneEns ove Nou HEATH elertaaier | YouR CHURCH! au, PRIESTS! | "BEETLE BAILEY CONFERENCE ON WOMEN'S HEALTH| saty.cmmy a aaieene REX MORGAN, M.D. eae, secre ca nace wai eae roa nenrous| rin Stor no so nachtte THE LOCKHORNS _GAMDO Cl : SCAN | HELP IT IF THE NEAREST PLANNED PARENTHOOD: IBLILEENX CLINIC |S NOW 150 MILES away7i?” RT FAMILY CIRCUS Qe 5 Seen tateEXTRADE BABY AL Break a few Legos, and you | get punish ‘st like the megananks, ‘after U destroyes the entire ‘economy. in J) both cases, we got 2 minute funds are inthe potty! Mi eredit default swaps. 0 worthless ‘hat’s not what they promised ihe! | WANT MY MOMMY! Wall rect stole our retirement funds arid mortgages, hen 4 made us ge them another $16 tion of taxpayer money? “That's feed on demand, but with 200 milion boobs yl 56 WRITER: DESMOND DEVUN ‘ut online speculating can fi that! The finanelal ‘experts promise that ‘vesting in Wall Street ‘love pays off in the fend, And from everything ve seen, that's true, ‘OF cause, ma G-monthrold infant! What the hell is this small print? “Brokers con sel toxie investments, while simultaneously piecing hedge bets ‘against nat own cliente”? And legal? Our countrys ‘doomed! i'n the hole, and fm ail crapping n'a diapert Then again, so does Alan Gr ce —— - wai vimana ve only lived @ ‘can fix thie economy by the q of [7 PHOTOGRAPHER: RVING SCHILD8 _itunesc }_ VEVO- & amazon - eyed. Linked fr en Gdogle~ (You =hUe aL Ce) LTE UNAVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET? eS i Be it i ieRe Ree once ee Tee ee Ree raced Cree Se Eo ot eae eae es en Ru ga ene eed on-the-ground support where itis needed most. The people of the Horn of Africa need us now. PO Sea MAU sir) Eee the Children. IK Warrercycorps Ea Ce eee