APRIL FOOLS!

April 1, 2016

Volume 28, Issue 5

CHATHAM HALL IS GOING COED

By Claudia Mohamed

Its finally happening.

Something you never
thought would happen,
and said you would
despise, but secretly
wanted: Chatham Hall
is going coed. Yes, you
heard that right. Starting
in the 2016-2017 school
year, Chatham Hall will
enroll both male and
female students.
Throughout this
school year, there have
been numerous complaints about our lack of
interactions with boys.
These concerns eventually reached the Board
of Trustees, and they
decided that we, the
students of Chatham
Hall, deserve to have
our voices heard. After
brainstorming the best
ways to bring more boys
to campus, one member
of the Board suggested,
Why dont we just enroll
them as students? The
whole group immediately jumped on board with
this idea, wondering why
they had not thought of
it sooner. They decided
this small change would
bring numerous benefits to the school, and
at very little cost. Now,

there will be no need

for mixers because
every day will be like a
mixer! Sure, everyone
talks about the benefits
of single-sex education,
but will that really matter when we get to see
boys every day? Some
have expressed concern
that Chatham Hall is
abandoning its values,
but this is not how this
change should
be viewed. We may be
leaving behind our small
class sizes, but instead,
well have boys!

There are a few logistical issues that will need

to be worked out, but no
one should be worried.
In preparation for this
exciting new venture,
we will now be having
four girls to each room
instead of the classic
two so that we can make
room for our new oppo-

site-gendered additions.
Also, because Chatham
Hall wants to make sure
that no students are distracted in class, we will
be instating uniforms
consisting of long dresses
similar to those of nuns
habits. If you are not already wearing makeup to
class, then you will need
to start doing so. We
need to make sure we are
always putting our best
foot forward. After all,
you never know when
youll meet your future
husband.
Additionally, this
new change will require
some budget cuts. To
accommodate for our
boys, girls will now be
responsible for cleaning all classrooms and
bathrooms, as well
as maintaining our
grounds. Of course,
boys will not need to
clean their own rooms.
We will handle that for
them. Also, meals will
no longer be provided in
the dining hall; rather,
all students will share the
student kitchen to serve
all gastronomic needs.
Continued inside

Check out our website:

www.chathamhallcolumns.com

EDITORS COLUMN
By Robin Boch

There are many things

I would rather be doing
right now than writing
this. Sleeping. Making
pancakes (it is Wednesday, after all). Pretending
like I have a social life.
Maybe (just maybe) doing homework. Yet, here
I am. Aaaah, the life of a
procrastinator. Or, should
I say, the life of someone
who commits herself to
way too many things, only
to realize that at some
point, she has to spend
hours of time working to
get things done.
Please let it be known
that yes, this is a joke issue. For some reason, I
also anticipate that it will
be our most popular issue of the year (who isnt
interested in reading about
why Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer and doesnt want
to know what type of salad
dressing they are?). Most
of you, however, wont
even read this far!! Thanks
for your support!!! But,
for those of you who do,
just know that the pictures

are not our own and this

is not necessarily the best
example of our work.
As a staff writer for The
Columns, I wrote articles
about the annual Smith
Mountain Lake trip, the
creation of a malaria vaccine, Artist-In-Residence
Maggie Taylor, the renovation of the library, the
legitimacy of New Years
resolutions, and more.
Fascinating, right?? The
articles in this issue, however, are the most profound, legitimate, and,
most importantly, interesting and entertaining, that
I have ever seen published
here. So, read this issue
(and every issue!) of The
Columns! It wont disappoint!
Disclaimer: I would have
made this longer and made
the font smaller, but theres
something called senioritis and I think I may or
may not have gotten it.
Oh well.

Chatham Hall is Going Coed (continued)

Yes, these budget cuts do seem a bit
severe, but it will all pay off once
we have our boys! Chatham Hall
will also need to change some of its
traditions to make sure that the new
boys feel included. For example,
we will no longer be issuing rings.
Besides, who even wanted one? Its
not like you were looking forward
to having one since the day you arrived at Chatham. Also, because we
dont want any students ever feeling
uncomfortable, we will no longer be

condoning the use of showers. This

means all students should be wearing clothing at all times and should

never be seen walking around in

towels.
So, get excited! These minor
changes to daily life at Chatham
Hall will not be a problem once the
boys arrive. In fact, our lives here
at Chatham will only improve. We
may need to dress a little differently,
clean a little more, and abandon
some of our values, but it will surely
be worth it. Once we see the shining
faces of our newest male students,
we will be overcome with happiness.

BREAKING NEWS: White Woman Who Shops At Whole Foods Doesnt

Actually Know The Meaning of The Word Namaste

By Schuyler Mitchell

(SEATTLE) The Columns

just received word that Indigo
Adams, a local upper-middle-class
white woman and self-proclaimed
Whole Foods fanatic, doesnt
actually know the meaning of the
word namaste. Adams confessed
this shocking secret to a group of
girlfriends over a few glasses of red

wine and her signature cranberry

quinoa salad last Saturday night.

I couldnt believe it, shared
Adamss friend, Sparrow Franklin,
Her Subarus bumper is plastered
with stickers that say Namaste.
Whats next? Her Guatemalan coffee isnt fair trade?

We learned from inside

sources that Adams often says

goodbye to her Whole Foods
cashiers by using the Hindu greeting. Adams has never been to India,
though she does take a weekly hot
yoga class on Tuesday nights.

The Columns will continue
to investigate this groundbreaking
story in the upcoming months.

Chatham Hall Deer Plan to Take Over Campus

By Delia Ibaez

If you go outside at dawn
or dusk on campus, you have most
likely seen at least one Chatham
deer. Frequent sightings of these
deer can lead to clear collusions of
their behavior: the Chatham deer
are planning to take over Chatham
Hall. Dont act like you havent seen
their gatherings on the front lawn as

the light fades, or their hoof prints

surrounding Pruden. The premises
are covered in certain evidence of
cervine invasion. Bites taken out
of lettuce in the garden behind the
gym? Thats just the beginning.
Soon enough, the salad bar will just
be a memory. Herds of deer will
eat all the produce before it even
gets to the kitchen. If this plan goes
through, we will still have a Rector Buck, however, this one will
have antlers. Why the sudden plot?
Sources from the forest say that the
deer community is tired. Tired of
barking dogs and cars threatening
their crossing. Control of Chatham
Hall means control of youth, and of

future generations. The deer plan

to be rid of the menaces to their
existence; say goodbye to venison. If
we as a community band together,
hooves will never walk the halls of
the school we love. Without your
support for the fight against deer
gone wild, we will be trampled.

Rapper in Residence: Waka Flocka Flame

By Nyshae Manning

The students of Chatham
Hall are raving with excitement as
they gear up for this years Rapper
in Residence! The Academic Advancement team has been working
tirelessly to provide the best possible recipient for this position,
and after months of brainstorming,
they have finally made their choice.
They used very strict criteria during the decision process: the RIR
had to be less relevant than most
rappers (making them an easy
catch), be politically involved, and
they had to support that special
holiday on April 20th. So, it comes
with no surprise that our RIR was
chosen because he hasnt released a
popular single in years, he planned
to run for president in 2016, and
made his first order of business to
legalize marijuana in the USA and
make April 20th a national holiday.
The Chatham Hall student body is
enthused to welcome our Rapper
in Residence of 2016: Waka Flocka
Flame!

Mr. Flame has expressed
his excitement to arrive on campus

where he will be conducting several songwriting and stage presence workshops with each grade.
Students will have the opportunity
to meet with him in small groups
and participate in a cypher held at
the sundial of Curtis Garden. The
winner will become the apprentice
of Waka and will start the thorough
process of releasing a mixtape that
possesses high heat levels ( ).
Of course, the Academic Advancement team felt obliged to offer more
to the student body and came to a
unanimous decision that our very
own Nedwards should not only host
the rap battle, but also feature in
the champs mixtape. The girls are
strongly encouraged to begin their
research early so that they can be
prepared for Wakas visit on April
1st.

While this may sound
tedious and overbearing, the Academic Advancement office wouldnt
want to leave the girls with all work
and no play, so they made it their
priority to get Mr. Flames consent
on a political assembly as well. He

has shared some of his plans which

include tutorials on how to draft
the perfect candidacy announcement, debate in the primary season, and do it all with no hands.
If youre interested in any of these
three topics, a surveymonkey will
be emailed out shortly, as each girl
can only participate in one of these
three workshops. So, make sure to
adequately prepare yourselves for a
Week of Waka! Thats right! He will
be the special guest artist at Chatham Halls annual formal on April
9th. You do not want to miss this!
#WakaForPresident2k16

For Crying Into a Bowl of Mac N Cheese

By Alex Rains

So, youre crying again. Youve

made a fresh bowl of mac n cheese
this time, and you want to eat it.
But as youre waiting for it to cool,
your tears slowly mix with your
meal. You check Spotify, Apple
Music, and Tidal for a playlist, but
you can find nothing appropriate
for this occasion. A TRAVESTY!
But fear this dilemma no more. For
those of you who want the tunes
to accompany your mood, but feel
like nobody understands what you
need, here are the objectively best

songs for listening as you sob into

a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

1. I Am the Walrus- The Beatles

2. The Requiem For Dream
Soundtrack in its entirety

3. Go Cry On Someone Elses

Shoulder- The Mothers of Invention
4. Work- Rihanna
5. Any Death Grips song
6. All Star- Smash Mouth
7. Oops I Did It Again- Britney
Spears
8. Bailando- Enrique Iglesias
9. Pomp and Circumstance
10. The sounds of yourself crying
Thats all.

DONT LISTEN TO MASS MEDIA WHEN THEY TELL U PEOPLE R

DEAD!!! ESPECIALLY TUPAC, ELVIS PRESLEY, JIMI HENDRIX, ETC!!!!
By Alex Rains!!!!

Read the title. Its true. These men

are alive. Robbed of their status as
living by the reptilian aliens running the American government,
they were forced to withdraw from
the spotlight and retreat to whoknows-where. Fortunately, I managed to wrangle the three up for an
interview at Chatham Hall, where
we hope that students and employees can stay woke as we hear from
the obviously alive men. Heres what
they had to say.

Jimi: Hey Joe. Lately things dont

seem the same, dont know if Im
coming up or down. Whatever it
is, that girl put a spell on me. Is it
tomorrow or just the end of time?
A: Jimi, my man, always being
cryptic. Love that about you. Anyway, next question. What do you
all think of the upcoming election?
Will you be exercising your right to
vote?

J: Somewhere a Queen is weeping,

somewhere a King has no wife. I
think we better wait til tomorrow.
Alex: Hi everyone! First of all, what
have you been doing over the last
20, 39, and 46 years, respectively?

Elvis: Most of the time, you can find

me on the streets trying to convince
passerby that I AM THE REAL
ELVIS! I AM ALIVE! THE KING
IS STILL READY TO ROCK!! In
response to this, I usually receive
confused glances and accusations
that my Elvis impersonation is in no
way accurate.

J: Can you see me? I dont believe

you can see me.

T: Yeah, of course Im getting involved. Silence is a vote for complacency, ya know, a vote for whatever
the media wants people to vote.
E: Im not that into politics. Since
I dont technically exist, most laws
dont apply to me.

Tupac: Living in Cuba, eating the

local cuisine to be found in many of
the small, vibrant towns throughout
the country, as well as showing up
occasionally to rally for improved
US-Cuba relations, which seems to
be working.

taken Best Animated Film. Inside

Out just doesnt have the same
depth.

A: Interesting thoughts, gentlemen.

Last question for you all: what is
your #ChathamHallBecause?
T: #ChathamHallBecause you
give girls the chance, regardless of
background, to thrive and grow in a
welcoming and open community.
E: #ChathamHallBecause you believe me when I say Im no imposter.
J: #ChathamHallBecause you know
you are a cute little heart breaker.
Im tired of wasting all my precious
time. Youve got to be all mine, all
mine.

A: Alright! And I ask that you

please answer my questions more
directly like the others, Jimi. Moving on. Which Oscar nominees do
you feel were snubbed this year?

A: Well, looks like Im off to live

with Mr. Hendrix after graduation!
And they say dreams dont come
true!! Any closing words or parting
thoughts?

T: Dope didnt even get nominated,

which I think was an absolute disgrace. Representation in the media is
important, man.

T: Fight the power.

E: I think that Anomalisa shouldve

E: Nah. Not really.

J: Oh, remember the mocking bird,
my baby bun.

Ranking of Bear Species

By Sabrina Yvellez

Bears are an important part of

peoples everyday lives. Since I am a
professional bear expert, I have decided to use my wisdom and insight
to create a completely accurate ranking of the top ten species of bears.
Hope you enjoy!
1. Koala Bear- Although it is technically classified as a marsupial, it is
still an honorary bear. I mean, what
do those scientists really know? And
dont honorary bears deserve to be
at the top? If you didnt answer yes,
then you are not a true bear lover.

honest living by working for companies such as Coca-Cola and Icee.

Someone, please bring back the
Arctics ice caps for these guys! They
deserve them!
6. Bear Grylls- Hes an adventurer
and TV personality in the hit show
Man vs. Wild. I applaud him for being able to survive in the wilderness,
so he deserves this respectable spot.
7. Cinnamon Bear- It has a cool
name, so it had to make the list.
Also, interestingly, the cinnamon
bear is a type of black bear.

bear species was and if they thought

it was ranked properly. Here is what
they had to say:
My favorite is the Kodiak Bear. You
know, its fine that the Kodiak bear
is only number nine on your list because he is super strong, super tall,
super big, and able to annihilate all
of the other inferior bears. He will
step on them. End quote. -Nyshae
Manning 17

8. Smokey the Bear- Hes been protecting the people from forest fires
for a while now. Give the bear some
respect!

2. Pooh Bear- Pooh is my childhood. Pooh has many quotable

moments; I like quotes. This is why
Pooh Bear takes the number two
spot.
3. Teddy Bear- I dont think theres
any argument here. Teddy Bears
rule.
4. Panda Bear- Lets be real now.
This bear is the most peaceful of all
the bears, they are fat and cuddly,
and 99% of their diet is bamboo.
They deserve to be within the top
five because they are absolutely innocent and do not deserve to be on
the endangered list. Long live the
Panda!
5. Polar Bear- They are very chill,
and I appreciate how they make an

9. Kodiak Bear- They are common

beauties in the bear world, but like
I said, they are common. In fact,
they are a little too typical to be any
higher in this ranking. If you do
see one, you should probably play
dead or something because they are
actually pretty huge and dangerous.
Also, they may get offended by their
ranking, so just tell them they are
in the top five. Maybe then youll
survive. :D
10. Chicago Bears- They are a
decent football team with Bear in
their name, so I thought, Ehhhh,
why not put this on the list?

I asked people what their favorite

My favorite bear is Pooh, and do I

think he is properly ranked? No! He
should be Number 1. But hey, what
do I know? -My dad, Rudy Yvellez
TEDDY BEARS ARE NUMBER
ONE BECAUSE THEY NEVER
LEAVE YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU
SOMETIMES DROP THEM OFF
YOUR BED. -Asha Moore 18
The koala bear is my favorite. It is
extremely adorable. Then again, if
youve ever seen a wet one, it can be
terrifying. Its two-faced and its only
an honorary bear, but I dont care.
Its the best. And, yes, it is rightfully
ranked, obviously. -Reagan Holley
18
My favorite is the panda because
it provides humor like in Kung Fu
Panda. Po the panda is hilarious.
All pandas make you want to smile.
I think pandas should be placed
higher because they bring people so
much joy. -My (older) sister, Samantha Yvellez

Sorting Strangers
By India Moore

An essential part of the Hogwarts

world that JK Rowling created in the
Harry Potter series is that each Hogwarts student is sorted into one of
the four different houses: Gryffindor,
Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin
during their first year at Hogwarts.
Although I am only on the third book
of the series, I am a proud Ravenclaw!
I interviewed a handful of students
and asked them to sort random
people into Harry Potter houses.

. . also Hufflepuff, because it looks

really dumb-happy. I guess we can
make Slytherpuff a thing. . .
Gryffindor

Hufflepuff
When asked in which house this
active older woman belongs, the
marvelous Maggie Shiftan 19 said
Gryffindor without a doubt. She is
so brave to put on a skin-tight leotard
and do something that could lead to a
broken hip.
The miraculous Mira was certain that
this young woman belonged in Hufflepuff. When asked why, Mira Alpers
19 said, She is a Hufflepuff, because
her face is one of confused thought.
We cant argue with that.

Slytherin

Hufflepuff

The jarringly wonderful Joaquina

Guevara 17 has strong opinions on
which house this stranger belongs
in: Like a true slytherin villain, he
opposes the DREAMers Act and has
a history of opposing bills that help
the lower class and defend people
of color, women, and LGBT groups.
He is a generally slimy individual as
Slytherins (sometimes unfairly, Ill
admit) are stereotyped to be. Wow,
she got a lot from a single photo of
this completely random, unheard of
stranger.
Ravenclaw

Slytherpuff

I asked the charming Christine

Walton 19 to sort this seemingly innocent baby. This was her response:
Slytherin, because all babies are evil.

He is looking at the camera with

determination while waiting patiently
for the perfect picture to be taken,
said the superb Skye Snider.

Because of the obvious underrepresentation here, I took matters into

my own hands. I asked myself, the
ingenuous India, what house this gem
belongs in: Ravenclaw, because look
at her. Shes a Ravenclaw, no doubt
about it. Im definitely not biased.

New Faces on Campus

By Margaret OHare

Upon returning to Chatham
Hall after what was hopefully a restful
and wonderful spring break, Im sure
you will all be delighted to meet the
new faces on campus this spring! Heres
a brief introduction to the folks we will
be welcoming to Chatham Hall this
month:

We have another renowned
teacher joining our faculty this year following spring break. This teacher will
be on campus for a half semester elective that will give you a thorough biographical knowledge of Prince George
and Princess Charlotte of Cambridge
in his course titled The Young Royals
and Why My Mother Kicked Me Out.
Please say hello to Mr. Zakkery Danyels if you see him around campus. You
may recognize him by the fashionable
orange jumpsuit he is known for or by
the cool apple watch anklet he always
wears. Though he is new to teaching,
he has a unique skill set and broad
experience in the professional world.
Mr. Danyels worked at Biscuitville for
nearly two months before he was fired
for replacing all of the sausages with
tiny shoes one morning. Dont forget to
pick up your textbooks before you return to campus, as this class is required
for all students.

The next person joining us this
fall will be our new hall monitor, who
will approve all trips to the restroom,
HCC, or any other departure from
class. Our security team makes sure
you get to wherever youre going safely,

but who is there to make sure youre

using your privileges responsibly?
Who is checking off your hall passes (a
policy which will be implemented in all
classrooms in the coming weeks)? Who
is keeping an eye on your speed as you
traverse the halls between classes? Paris
Hilton will. Thats right, at the height
of her prosperity and accomplishments
as an actress, Ms. Hilton has decided
to give it all up and pursue a career as a
hall monitor at rural, single-sex boarding school. Please give her a warm
welcome when she arrives on campus.

girls around who are totally obsessed

with me. Ill enjoy that most. But IDK
Im just so glad to be here.
Mr. West: Dont tell temporary people
too much about you...

Our final addition to campus
the spring will be our Leader in Residence: Part II. Yes, you read that correctly. For the first time ever, Chatham
Hall will be welcoming a second leader
in residence this spring! This 21-time
Grammy winner, entrepreneur and selfmade millionaire will be spending two
days on campus in April: everybody
please get excited for the one and only
Kanye West!

To give you a look at the
personal and professional lives of our
new faces on campus, The Columns has
interviewed all three of our new leaders/teachers/hall monitors.

The Columns: What advice do you

have for Chatham Hall students?
Mr. Danyels: When youre the suspect
in a murder trial, you should always be
honest.
Ms. Hilton: Stay true to yourself and
dont ever get bangs.
Mr. West: Eventually youll end up
where you need to be, with who youre
meant to be with, and doing what you
should be doing.

The Columns: What are you most looking forward to about being on campus?
Mr. Danyels: Im not sure what Im
happier about: having a place to sleep
other than the ditch Ive been living in,
or having this career move which will
hopefully set me up to go for a manager
position at Piggly Wiggly.
Ms. Hilton: Probably what Ill like is
having so many impressionable teenage

The Columns: What is your greatest

flaw?
Mr. Danyels: My hollow looking eyes
Ms. Hilton: Some people dont like me
because Im pretty, rich, and exceedingly talented. So, I guess Id go with that.
Mr. West: I still think Im the greatest.
The Columns: What will you bring to
Chatham Hall?
Mr. Danyels: My cat, a few cans of
spam, and whatever else will fit in my
buggy.
Ms. Hilton: My intelligence, sense of
humor, natural beauty, and my lovable
personality.
Mr. West: I once killed a lion with my
bare hands, and afterwards I brought
the lion back to life to show him who
the real King of the Jungle was.

***It was later discovered that Kanye

West was too busy to take part in this
interview, so he instead had his personal assistant quote his tweets as answers.

BREAKING NEWS: TOREY BATES SAMUEL HAS NEVER BEEN IN

AN ISSUE OF THE COLUMNS
By Schuyler Mitchell

(CHATHAM) Yesterday
morning during AP Psychology,
The Columns staff received word
that Torey Bates Samuel 16 has
never been featured in a single
issue of the newspaper throughout the course of her four years at
Chatham Hall.

Im still bitter Ive never
been in The Columns, Torey Bates
shared with us on the morning of

March 31st.

Do you actually read
The Columns? asked Senior Staff
Writer and World News Editor,
Schuyler Mitchell.

Torey Bates responded,
Yes, actually. I always read The
Columns.

Due to the fact that Torey
Bates is one of the few members
of the Chatham Hall community
who actually reads all of the hard

work we put into crafting each

issue, it only seemed fitting that
Torey Bates finally get her moment
in the spotlight. I asked her if shed
like to be featured at some point as
The Bachelorette, but unfortunately
shes been in a stable and loving
relationship for the past two years.
So, we had to make do. Here you
go, Torey Bates. This article is for
you.

Trubama Confirmed: The Worlds Cutest Political Couple

By Asha Moore
On Saturday, March 12, the
worlds biggest ship became a
canon. It is finally confirmed that
Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of
Canada, and Barack Obama, President of the United States, are indeed
involved in a romantic relationship.
Their love for each other has been
ongoing since 2008, and they claim
to have never been more in love
than now.
This eight-year-long romance is
so strong that it can no longer be
withheld. Because Obama is leaving the White House in just a few
months, the couple decided to go
ahead and out their romance to
the public. In a recent interview,
Trudeau said, We just thought it
was time. It became harder and
harder to hide our relationship
from the public, and we had people
we love involved in keeping it a
secret. It was time forwhat do they
call usTrubama to be honest to the
world. When Trudeau mentioned
the people we love being involved
in keeping their love hidden, we at
People Magazine decided to do a lit-

tle digging and found that Michelle

Obama is not, in fact, Obamas wife.
She was only pretending, a source
close to the family reveaed. I mean,
yeah, the girls [Sasha and Malia]
were of course conceived by them,
but that was all part of the show.
Well, at least we know that Michelle
is a Trubama shipper too. Then
again, who isnt, right?

Upon further investigation, I

discovered that Obama was only
hiding his relationship in order to
win the election to become president of the U. S. A. He knew that in
those days, no one would vote for a
gay president, so he did what he had

to do: he made a family with Michelle and kept his relationship with
Justin Trudeau under lock and key,
as always, putting America first. Of
course, later in his presidency, he
made sure to guarantee equal rights
for gay marriage. . . Maybe he was
planning to announce Trubama all
along. I got to meet with President
Obama himself and ask him about
the Trubama situation. I asked how
he went about faking his relationship with Michelle, and this was his
response: Now, dont get the wrong
impression, Obama says. I love
Michelle dearly. . . just not the way
we have portrayed on a daily basis.
Michelle and I have been good
friends for a long time now and
thats never going to change.
So, there you have it, America.
Our president and Canadas prime
minister have indeed been in a
romantic relationship for several
years now. Trubama, what we all
thought was only possible in our
dreams, turned out to be a reality.
Who knew that Trubama would be
all we really need to make America
great again?

Is The World Flat??

By Giovanna Paz

I know that this information will come as quite a shock to
many of you. I advise that you sit
down and buckle up because I am
going to tell you about how the
world is flat.

I would first like to disclose that this was quite a revelation for me. I was scrolling
through the trending topics on
Twitter and came across an article
on rapper B.O.B and acclaimed
scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson.
In this article, I discovered that
B.O.B was diligent in proving that
the findings of Greek mathematician Pythagoras are not terrible
conclusions, but simply blatant
lies.

Neil deGrasse Tyson really
tried to fight the rappers claims,
but I see right through him. See,
Tyson got his bachelor degree
from Harvard University. Harvard University was established in
1636. 1636 WAS A LEAP YEAR.
Now, pay close attention if you
want the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. Julius
Caesar established the Gregorian
calendar, including a leap year
every four years, in 46 B.C. Leg-

end says that Caesar had a dream

about a round planet, and he
claimed that it was Earth. A politician, not a scientist, told the
people how time works and what
shape the Earth is. We can not
trust scientists like Neil deGrasse
Tyson who base their scientific
foundation off of a crazy delusion!

Now, through extensive
research, humans can prove that
things such as mermaids exist
(theres a whole Animal Planet
series on this). Now that I have
shown you how unreliable scientists are, lets delve into some evidence that proves that the world is
flat:

1) The horizon stays the same no

matter what elevation level you
are at. This theory seems EXCELLENT. The logic here is just
spot-on. Can you supply any sort
of counterargument to this statement? I didnt think so. The next
time you are on a big metal bird,
multiple feet up in the air (measured by the foot of a king, duh),
look out your window and feast
your eyes. The line stays in the
middle!!!!!!!

2) Ships cannot sail sideways

on the ocean. This one is had
me convinced. Think about it.
Throughout human history, ships
have only been recorded as having
traveled up or down large bodies
of water - not side to side! This.
Wow. Thats enough mind-blowing for one day.

In one of his tweets, B.O.B
concluded his argument by saying
Im going up against the greatest
liars in history . . . youve been tremendously deceived. We couldnt
agree more here at Chatham,
Mr. B.O.B. This is why we get an
education. To challenge authority!!!!!! Shoutout to all the believers, including B.O.B. himself, who
are trying to enlighten the people
one Twitter post at a time.

A Forgotten Voice Speaks Out:

From The Perspective of Former Vice President Dick Cheney
By Schuyler Mitchell (inspired by Alex Rains)

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Memes Through the Ages

By Emma Maney

According to MerriamWebster.com, a meme is An idea,
behavior, style, or usage that spreads
from person to person within a culture. When you think of a meme,
you might think of a picture with a
funny caption that you have seen on
social media or on the web. These
images are memes because they are
usually things that a number of people know about or can relate to and
they are spread, shared, retweeted,
reblogged, repinned, revined, ect. to
the point that this image successfully becomes an internet meme. Now
that you know what a meme is, and
more specifically, what an Internet
meme is, we are going to take a journey through different time periods,
through memes.

Our first meme is about
King Henry VIII in th Early Renaissance. If you have ever attended a
history class, I am sure you have
heard of King Henry VIII. King
Henry VIII broke away from the
Catholic Church and started the
Church of England because he
wanted to be able to divorce his wife.
King Henry VIII had a total of six
wives, and he either beheaded or
divorced five of them. Only one survived. Most people know about King
Henry and are familiar with what he
did, so they decided to create memes
about him.

Now, this meme is a bit

more complicated, but I think youre

ready to understand it. You have
to know about two very important
things things: King Henry VIII and
Taylor Swifts song Blank Space.
This internet meme is comparing
King Henry VIIIs actions to lyrics in
Blank Space.

We are now skipping several centuries until we end up in
the Roaring Twenties. Once again,
if you have attended a history class,
you may have heard of the Roaring Twenties, which was the time
in America just before the Great
Depression. People were spending
money, they were convinced the
economy was great and life was basically one big party. Saving money in
the Roaring Twenties was something
that people found unnecessary. They
were wrong.

Six centuries later, the 80s
happened and there was a show
called MacGyver. The main character, Angus MacGyver, was a secret
agent for a fictional government

agency. MacGyver was a scientist

and could fix almost anything with a
paper clip. The show sparked a trend
of comparing clever and handy
people to Angus MacGyver.

This next meme relates to
this year, 2016. Leonardo DiCaprio
had never won an Oscar, until this
year, that is. It was a running joke
that DiCaprio could be the only
nominee for an Oscar and still
wouldnt win.

By now, you have hopefully
have a better understanding of what
memes are and how they have been
used in history. I have walked you
through the past five memes, and
I think you are ready to figure this
meme out by yourself.

Is Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer?

By Schuyler Mitchell

In Northern California in
1968 and 1969, five people were
murdered and two others attacked
by a killer who was known only by a
Zodiac sign and the cryptic messages
he sent to the police. The murderer,
who came to be known as the Zodiac
Killer, claimed to have murdered 37
people, and to this day his identity
remains unknown. Or, at least it did
until now. In recent months, it has
become increasingly clear that Ted
Cruz did, in fact, commit the Zodiac
killings. Heres how we know:
1. Ted Cruz is a creepy-looking dude.
His smile never reaches his eyes, he
stands like he has bees in his shoes,
and his skin doesnt fit quite right
(Buffalo Bill?).

2. Ted Cruz was born in 1970. Some

may say this makes it impossible for
him to be the Zodiac killer, given
the fact that the murders took place
before he was born. That, however, is
the ultimate alibi! How do you trick
people into thinking you didnt commit a murder? Falsify a birth certificate and claim to be born later!
3. In an interview on Jimmy Kimmel, Ted Cruz alluded to running
Donald Trump over with a car. Sociopathic tendencies, eh? In addition,
when Kimmel asked Ted Cruz what
his favorite type of cereal was, Ted
Cruz replied: serial killer or cereal?
Sounds like a black-and-white confession to me.

4. Ted Cruz kinda looks like the

police sketch of the Zodiac Killer. See
below.

5.Ted Cruz has never actually denied

being the Zodiac Killer.
Well, the truth is out, folks! Stay
#woke, but be careful. . . You dont
want Ted Cruz to Zodiac kill you.

REEL RAW REVIEW

By Giovanna Paz

I have made a list of some films

that have received exactly two and
half stars. They are just THAT
GOOD, folks.

R for extremely vulgar language.

This is the perfect film to watch
after a breakup. Have fun with
this one!

1) RiverBud (2000)
This is the thrilling first film in
a trilogy about golden retrievers who travel down the Amazon
River searching earnestly for
their owner. There are plenty of
heart-wrenching scenes of the
pups (dont worry, they all survive the piranha-infested waters.
Well actually. . . ). There are also
buttloads of comedy infused into
RiverBud. The pups travel with
what they call the Meme Bible
that their owner created, so every
once in a while, a meme is introduced and a laughing tape follows. Warning: this film is rated

2) Coachella: The RaD Documentary (2012)

This documentary follows the
world-renowned film festival
Coachella in the year in which
life as we knew it was supposed to
end. It is wild from start to finish.
Loved it! In the beginning, the
director interviews festival goers
who try to summon the Lizard
King before Tupacs private show
in the camping area. Oh yeah,
and our buddy Tupac makes an
appearance. This film is magical. For about 30 minutes, watch
a handful of youths fight it out
in the best rap battle of all time.

The young souls then embrace

and go off to make a Kanye statue
made of sand. This one is all about
unity; it is a great film choice for
an office retreat!
3) GIF or GIF? (2016)
This one has been my favorite this
year by far. It explores the human
existence through GIFS. Each gif
runs on loop for about 10 seconds. Think Inside Out, but not
as sad and with a better representation of the Im RaNdom XD!
stage all tweens go through. It is
highly entertaining; this film has
all of the laughs, cries, and plot
upsets that a 2 1/2 star movie
needs. This would be a nice film
to watch at a Hillary Clinton rally!

Quiz: Which Salad Dressing Are You?

By Alex Rains

Cosmopolitan, Seventeen,
Vogue theyve all covered one
subject more than any other as the
topic becomes a pillar of modern society. That subject is salad
dressing, and more specifically,
what kind of salad dressing each
individual seems to project in their
daily lives. So, The Columns is
taking what we have learned from
the bright minds at several other
publications in order to create the
comprehensive quiz as to what
salad dressing YOU are.

Rank yourself 1-10 on the
scales below based on how much
you agree with the statement (1
is strongly disagree, 10 is strongly
agree) and add your scores at the
end to find your results.
1. I prefer cool colors to warm
colors.
2. I agree that Kendrick Lamar is a
better rapper than J. Cole.

5. Everything is meaningless and

nihilism is the only feasible outlook on life.
6. Memes reached peak hilarity in
2008.
7. Hillary Clinton is a lizard.
8. Someone is hiding in the Chatham Hall ventilation system and
has been living there for at least 2
decades.
9. Beavers arent real animals.
10. I would sell my soul for a dozen
donuts.
Check your scores!!!
Between 10 and 20: French Dressing. Not the best, but passable if
nothing else is around.

3. I like snakes.

Between 21 and 30: No dressing.

Unnatural.

4. Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer.

Between 31 and 40: Balsamic Vin-

aigrette. Too healthy to count as

a true dressing but nevertheless a
liquid for salads.
Between 41 and 50: Raspberry Vinaigrette. Like Balsamic, but better.
Between 51 and 60: Honey Mustard. I dont like it but there are
folks out there who do.
Between 61 and 70: Russian Dressing. I dont actually know what this
is, but its out there somewhere.
Between 71 and 80: Ranch Dressing. Good for pretty much everything.
Between 81 and 90: Caesar Dressing. Congratulations, youre delicious! Prepare to be murdered by
your best friend in the near future.
Between 91 and 100: You have
transcended mere dressings onto
something much more powerful,
and less tangible. You are superior
to the mere mortals of the world.

How to Say Pastrami in 7 Languages

By Robin Boch

Aaaaah, pastrami. We all use this

word on a daily basis, so I think
that it is especially important that
we learn how to say it not only in
English, but in 7 other languages.
I just think we should mix it up a
little, you know? So, here goes! See
how many times and in how many
languages you can use pastrami
in your conversations today!
Dutch: gerookt rundvlees

Greek:

Spanish: pastrami OR carne vacuna ahumada con especias

Italian: manzo affumicato
French: pastrami
Portuguese: carne curada e temperada

Polish: pastrami
Swedish: prickig korv OR pastrami

Presiden
t
George
Bush
:
BACHELOR
THE
Interviewed by Ana Wilson
All words between * * are actual
quotes spoken by the ex-president during his time in office.
Q: First off, Mr. Bush, what exactly
are you doing being interviewed for
The Bachelor? You definitely have a
wife, and this isnt a very presidential
thing to do.
A: Well, Ive had a lot of time on my
hands since Ive left the Oval, and
this seemed like, uh, a great filler,
you know? And yes, of course, Laura
is the love of my life for sure. But,
uh, you know, she got a little fed
up about my dumb remarks and
constant lack of awareness, so the
break-up was actually her idea. So, in
my Bachelor quest, or whatever you
wanna call it, I guess Im just looking for the perfect woman to fill this
break and help fix whatever it was
Laura was talking about. Plus, I never
got the satisfaction of conquering
that war against terror, so I thought
it might be helpful to conquer that
which is the battlefield of love.
Q: Alright, then. Lets get started.
Mr. Bush, for the purpose of making
any potential suitors out there more
aware, what is a cause that is near
and dear to your heart?
A: Well, since Ive left the Casa
Blanca, Ive dedicated myself to the
environmental cause. These Global
Warmings as they are supposedly
called are some really tricky things
to, you know, fix, and uh, understand, too. For years now the suns
rays have been warming the crusts of
the earth, and, uh, lately, the intensification of these rays caused by
humanity and cow farts have increased lava flow and size-mac activity. Theres all kinds of other stuff too,
but you know whoever wants all this

ex-executive needs to know where I

stand with my cause today and *I do
truly believe that fish and humanity
can co-exist peacefully*.
Q: Where do you live ever since your
move from, uh, as you so eloquently
put it, the Casa Blanca?
A: Right, well now that I am no longer Commander-in-Chief, Ive been
residing at my ranch in Crawford,
Texas. You know, just uh, getting
some R&R, or as the kids put it,
turning up with all the cattle and
pretty green fields out here. Been
growin out a soul patch, too. Its a
pretty great place.

for in a woman?
A: Well, you know, being a wife is
intense, for sure. I mean, *wives work
really hard to put food on their children.* I just want a woman who can
persevere through being my wife like
how I persevered through my time in
office, which was brutal, but always
worth it.
Q: What are the most concerning
qualities you can think of in a future
spouse?
A: Honesty is just a very big thing for
me. I mean, we have a saying down
in Texas, or maybe its in Tennessee,
but I know we got it in Texas it goes
like this: Fool me once, shame on.
Shame on you . . . And uh, and fool
me I cant get fooled again.
Q: Yes, uh, that certainly makes a lot
of sense. Anyway, now that the tides
are turning and youre looking for
new love, what are you most excited
about?

Q: Mr. Bush, one thing many women

out there would like to understand is
what the hardest part of your presidency was. The ability to understand
what the other grapples with is a
huge win in any relationship.
A: Right, well you know, *the hardest part of my job would probably be
trying to connect Iraq to the war on
terror.* But, I regret nothing because
you know our enemies were resourceful and innovative but so are
we. They never stopped coming up
with ways to harm our people and
neither did we. Oh, uh, wait aQ: Moving on, what are you looking

A: Oh, sorry, uh I dont really understand your question. *I was raised in

the desert, but, uh, but tides kinda,
uh, its easy to see a tide turn. Uh,
did I say those words?* Sorry, I dont
know if that answers your question
about the tide but
Q: You know what, Mr. Bush, thats
perfectly fine, I think weve got all we
need to let all the ladies out there get
a clear look at the real George Bush.
Thank you so much for coming out
today; we really appreciate it.
A: Of course! Im just excited to, you
know, throw my hat back in the ring,
or get back on the bull, or whatever
it is they say now days. See you soon,
ladies!

Guess Whether or not the Poem has a Real Author

By Srila Chadalavada

There are two types of poems below. Three were created by my iPad, which auto-guessed the next word. The
other three were written by me. Can you guess which ones are which? The answers can be found at the end.
1. The One for Me
I am it was the best time I had
The day before was the last bad
Time is a good one for you to see
Bad is the day before time
Hi I am not the one
The one that has the time to see
Im not the same as the one
You see them all and I dont have to

5. Im So Happy to be in the World

Im at work on the phone and it was not immediately
clear
The fact is that I have a nice dream of the year before
Im so happy to see you at least one person who can
make me laugh
The best thing to say I dont think Im going to get a
new phone case

All you do is get the funny and cute

I want you back to me forget the me you see

Im not going out of my favorite song by the way

I love the way I am so excited to be in the world
The best thing about it is a very happy birthday
So much better than the original version of the thing

2. The Best of the Best

The only thing that I have to do with my family is so

cute and funny
I love it when you get the chance to get the best of all
time high right now

The only thing that I can be

The best thing to do that I can see
Im so happy for my life I live on a Friday
The fact I have to be a good one and the first
Im not going anywhere else in the world
Im at a news conference in Washington
Im so tired and I dont have a good time
The fact is that I can see it in my head
Im not sure if the government has to go
I have no idea what Im saying

3. Haiku Time
Cars can you do that
The fact is true and simple
So happy for you too

6. Real Life is the Only Way

The sky is good and blue today
Someone is there and who is not
For me my money is not the best time
No matter the day yesterday or not today
You know that the two are not going
I love the thing that could make me feel
Some are yes and not good for me
The one and the rest are not the same as you
Good night to be myself tonight
Yesterday the same thing happened to me
Yes I am not there but I can not phone you
No I should not have gone so far

4. The Very Best Haiku

Real Author: 2, 5, 4
No Real Author: 1, 3, 6

They have been killed first

was not a good day for them
Im so tired of being me