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Christine Nielsen
Dr. Paul Anderson
January 29, 2016
English 1010

The Fear of Almost Losing a Loved One: A Reflection

Introduction
Have you ever thought about your mother dying? Not in the abstract way that we think of
all people dying as part of living but in much more concrete terms with a time, a day and a
place? This paper is a reflection of my experience with that very scenario.
The Call
It is Christmas Day 2016; I am in the middle of a post-Christmas chaos nap when I get
the phone call. My younger sister, Amber, is on the phone telling me our mother, who lives in
California1, is in the ICU. Amber is attempting to give me details that go something like this I
dont know what happened, I think its her heart or they think she had a heart attack and
finally I dont really know what happened just that she is in the ICU.
For context I should mention that my mother and I are estranged, she has lived in
California for the last three years and I have lived in Utah for the past twenty-three. In the last
three years she has called me a total of five times. Mostly due to emergency situations on her
end.

1 Picture of California: Population 38 million.

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Figure 1 California

Summoning my resolve, I make the call to my step-father Larry, to find out what is really
happening with my mother. To give him credit, he answers quickly and is rather forthcoming
with information. Larry informs me that yes my mother is in the ICU at the Veterans
Association Hospital and it is suspected that she had a heart attack. However, the doctors dont
know for sure. How can they not be sure? I asked. He replies They are still running tests.
After seventy-two hours of getting no useful information I finally speak to my mother.
Expecting to find her frail and weak when I talk to her, instead I find her sarcastic and dismissive
of the entire situation. After a lengthy conversation about how inept the hospital is and how no
one there knows what is going on, I find out that after three days, the doctors still dont know if
she has, in fact, had a heart attack. The doctors do know that there has been damage to her heart,
they just dont know how or why. To find out the next step would be an angiogram2.
The Angiogram
It makes since that if the doctors need more information the protocol would be to run more tests.
However, nothing is ever simple with my mother. You see in order for her to have this particular
test done she has to be able to take aspirin directly after the procedure. Well my mother has

2 Picture of a healthy functioning heart during an angiogram.

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maintained all my life that she is allergic to aspirin. This complicates matters as the doctors feel
this test would be the best option to determine what is happening with my mothers heart.
So the doctors decide to try desensitizing her to aspirin. The desensitizing process would
span the course of twenty-four hours and would follow a strict regimen of administering small
doses of aspirin followed by close monitoring for an allergic reaction. Most allergic reactions
involve a pulmonary reaction which causes difficulty
breathing. If a person has healthy lung functioning
this is typically counteracted with an EPI shot.
After further discussion it is decided that
since my mother only has fifty percent of her lung
function due to COPD she is not a candidate for the
desensitization process. The doctors feel that this
Figure 2 Blood flow during an angiogram

would be too risky in her already compromised state. This did not go over well with my mother.
The next time I talk to her to find out how things are progressing she informs me that she is
done waiting around for the doctors to figure it out and if they dont make a decision within
the next hour she is leaving.
By this time, I am so frustrated with her I can barely speak. I listen in silence as she
explains everything up to this point. Only interjecting to ask a clarifying question that is usually
answered with I dont know. I asked what she thought would happen if she left the hospital
without knowing what was actually wrong with her heart and she tells me that if she has any
more problems she will return to the hospital then.
Leaving the Hospital
At first I didnt think she was serious about her intentions. I thought she was just venting
her own frustration. Apparently she meant exactly what she said. After my mother assures me

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she will call once the doctors have made a decision, we say goodbye. Now I can do nothing but
wait. And wait, and then wait some more. Until finally I get a text from my step-father informing
me that they are now at home and my mother is fine.
Apparently our definition of fine differs greatly. Fine is not being diagnosed with
COPD, fine is not finding out your lung capacity is 50%, or that your heart has sustained damage
and is now functioning at 47%. Fine is also not leaving the hospital before the doctors know
what is causing the heart damage. In my opinion that is the opposite of fine. I would define that
as foolish.
There is nothing more I can say or do at this point. Having made the decision to stay in
Utah I have limited options available to me. I could fly to California and try to convince her to
return to the hospital. Or I could stay in Utah and accept her choice. After days of feeling angry,
confused and helpless I made the decision to stay in Utah. As it stands now I am still waiting to
hear the news that my mother has had another heart attack.
Coming to Terms with it All (Conclusion)
I would like to say that I have come to some kind of resolution with this experience, but
that wouldnt be entirely the truth. Instead I have come to terms with the idea that my mother
will eventually die. There is nothing I can do to stop this from happening. Even though her dying
may affect me in a profound way, it is ultimately something she must experience separate from
my feelings. To respect her as a person is to respect her right to face her own mortality in the way
she chooses. As her daughter I can give her that respect.