Sen.

Miriam Santiago Jokes: The Unofficial Collection

By Richard Raqueno on Thursday, November 20, 2014 at 5:13pm
Para sa mga naaaliw sa mga banat at patawa ni Senator Miriam Defensor
Santiago, narito ang collection ng mga jokes, pick-up lines, banat sa mga
politicians (kagaya niya) at ilang mga quotes ng Senadora na hinango mula
sa ibat ibang sulok ng internet.
Anong blood type ang pwedeng motto? B-positive.
oOo
Matalinong babae + Matalinong lalaki = Romance
Matalinong lalaki + Bobong babae = Affair
Matalinong babae + Bobong lalaki = Kasal
Bobong lalaki + Bobong babae = Sexually Transmitted Disease
oOo
A young boy asked his Dad, what is the difference between confident and
confidential?
The father said, youre my son. Confident ako doon. Yung best friend mo sa
school, anak ko rin yun. Yun ang confidential.
oOo
Five tips for a happy mans life
1) Have a girl to help you at work
2) Have a girl to take care of you and to love you
3) Have a girl who can make you laugh
4) Have a girl who spoils you
5) Siguraduhin na hindi magkakilala and apat na babae na yun
oOo
In a swimming pool:

Classmate 1 Im sure lulutang ka

Classmate 2 Bakit dahil payat ako?
Classmate 1 Hindi, dahil plastic ka
oOo
Use anyone in a sentence.Nasaan na kayo? Bakit ninyo ako anyone?
oOo
Ganito daw ang menu ng automated answering machine ng mental health
hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the alien
mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, credit card details, email address, and your Facebook
password.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
If you are a politician, please hang up. Theres no hope for you.
oOo

Kung mangholdap ang mga sosyal, ang sinasabi:

Holdap here, make bigay all your thingy!Dont make galaw or Ill make
tusok-tusok you!
oOo
Kapag may nakita kang gwapo, maganda sa isang party, kapag nilapitan
mo siya at sinabi mong mayaman ako, pakasalan mo ako, ang tawag doon
ay direct marketing. Kapag pinadala mo ang kaibigan mo para sabihin sa
kanya na mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan, ang tawag doon ay
advertising.
Kapag nakuha mo ang number niya at tinawagan mo sa telepono
kinabukasan para sabihing mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan ang
tawag doon ay tele-marketing.
And finally, pag sinabi ng isang lalaki sa isang babae na mayaman ako,
pakasalan mo ako at sinampal siya ng babae, ang tawag doon ay
customers feedback.
oOo
Kung may boyfriend ka o girlfriend na gusto mong i-break after graduation,
ito sabihin mo: Password ka ba? Kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan pero
kaya kitang palitan. Summer ka ba? Kasi wala kang class. Bachelors
degree ka ba? Kasi tapos na ako sa iyo.
oOo
Teacher asks students: Ano gusto mo (maging) paglaki mo?
Pedro: Gusto ko tulong kapwa.
Jose: Gusto ko doktor para tulong kapwa.
Kiko: Gusto ko mayor para tulong kapwa.
Maria: Gusto lingkod kapwa.
Juan Tamad: Gusto ko ako ang kapwa.
POLITICIANS

Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong
congressman!
Holdaper: Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!
oOo
Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllablespoli meaning
many, plus ticks meaning blood-sucking parasites.
oOo
Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning
nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin, iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko
ay political.
oOo
The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.
oOo
What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The
answer: One of them is organized.

oOo
The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in
it, the right has nothing left in it.
oOoAnong tawag pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot:
Pollution
Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong
kurakot? Sagot: Solution.
oOoKapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan
ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa.

Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa

na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.
oOoHow to tell if a politician is telling the truth:
Whenever hes crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.Whenever
hes stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.Whenever he looks at you
straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.
But when he opens his mouth, he is lying.
oOoThere was a study on the connection between government
employees and the sport they play.
Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball.
Kapag lower management position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling.
Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay tennis. Ang
paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.
The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa
gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo.
oOoMay 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang
pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa: Electricians everything inside
them is color-coded.
Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians everything inside them is in
alphabetical order.
Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They
have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls.
oOoTop 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:
No. 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi
naman talaga.No. 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang
kasya kahit puno na.
And last and the most prolific of all these liars, No.1: Pulitiko. Thats the end
of the story.

oOoOne time I met a politician and I said as a joke

Me: Balita ko, meron ka raw kulasisi na 18 years old.Politician: Lumang
balita na yan. 28 years old na siya ngayon.
oOoMay isang pulitiko na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.
Ang sabi niya, Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng
pork barrel, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po
ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal dahil dito.
Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control
para hindi ka na magnakaw sa taumbayan.
Sumagot ang pulitiko: Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para
hindi na ako ma-guilty at ma-depress.
oOoSabi ng isang survey, 25 percent ng mga pulitiko daw ay umiinom
ng medication para sa kanilang mental illness.
Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin 75 percent ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.
PICK-UP LINES
Can you recommend a good bank? Kasi Im planning to save all my love for
you.
oOoKapag mamamatay na ako, huwag na huwag kang pupunta sa
libingan ko kasi baka tumibok ulit ang puso ko.
oOoMiss, kutsara ka ba? Kasi palapit ka palang, napapapanganga na
ako.
oOoSuicide, homicide, insecticide, lahat pamatay. Pero kung gusto
mong pampabuhay, i-try mo ang by my side.
oOoMalabo na talaga ang mata ko. Pwede ba akong humingi sa iyo ng
kahit konting pagtingin?

oOoGirl: Saan tayo magdi-date sa Valentines?Boy: Sa

sementeryo.Girl: Bakit doon?Boy: Para mapatunayan kong patay na patay
ako sayo.
oOoSana naka-off ang ilaw para tayo na lang mag-on.
oOoNakalimutan ko ang pangalan mo eh, pwede bang tawagin na lang
kitang akin?
oOoIbenta mo na bahay mo, tutal nandidito ka na, nakatira sa puso ko.
oOoNakalunok ka ba ng kwitis, kasi pag ngumiti ka, may spark!
oOoPara kang holdaper,lahat ibibigay ko huwag mo lang akong
saktan.
oOoTindera ka ba ng yosi? Kasi you give me hope and more
oOoGaling mo din ano? Hindi mo pa ako binabato, tinamaan na ako!
RANDOM QUOTES
Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng
pictures mo ay wacky.
oOoKapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha
tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo. Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang
katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka Zebra.
oOoAng LOVE parang bayad sa dyip. Minsan nasusuklian.
oOoAlam niyo ba ang iba pang tawag sa Valentines day? Para sa
malungkot na single,ang tawag dito ay Singles Awareness Day. Para sa

mga masaya na single, ang tawag dito ay Singles Independence Day. Pero
sa mga walang pakialam, ang tawag dito ay (insert day where Valentines
day falls).
oOoDid you know that an earthworm has five hearts, whereas an
octopus has two hearts? Kaya kung may kilala ka na nagmamahal ng higit
sa dalawa, tanungin mo kung anong klaseng hayop sila.
oOoKapag ikaw ay nagmamahal pero sasaktan mo rin lang naman,
hamunin mo na lang ng suntukan.
oOoAng taong nagmamahal nang tunay ay parang matalinong
estudyante na kumukuha ng exam. Hindi siya tumitingin sa iba kahit
nahihirapan na.
oOoPara sa mga single, umuwi nang maaga mula sa school o sa
trabaho para isipin nila may date ka.
oOoAng crush, parang math problem, kung hindi mo makuha, titigan
mo na lang.
oOoMinsan may nanligaw sa akin at nagyabang, Nasa dugo talaga
namin ang pagiging guwapo. Sumagot ako, bakit nasa dugo lang, bakit
hindi napunta ang pagiging guwapo sa mukha mo?
Pagkatapos sinabi ko sa kanya, Cup noodles ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang
buhusan ng kumukulong tubig.
oOoGaano katalino ang mga estudyante ng (insert school here)?
Common sense pa lang ninyo, IQ na ng ibang mga senador.
oOoWhen the cashier at the grocery said, Miss, pwedeng candy na
lang ang sukli ko sa iyo? I answered Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?

oOoHindi ko sinasabing maganda ako, ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.

oOoWhen someone told me ang ganda mo, I answered sana ikaw
rin
oOoIt is very important that you should choose the person you will
marry and stay with that person.
There are many people now who believe in serial love, loving one person
after another. I dont think that is good for our mental health. I think we
should get it over with.
Love is like measles, you know. You only get it once in your lifetime and you
are immune forever. I am very happy to say that is what happened to me.
I am completely immune to any temptation. All men who have passed my
life after I got married might as well have been sticks of furniture.
oOoI dont ride roughshod over him. I dont care where he goes at
night, he doesnt have to call me with his itinerary. I just presume that hes
going to be loyal to his marriage vows. And Ive been extremely faithful to
my husband.
oOoMaybe if I were 20 years younger, or maybe if I am as young as
Heart Evangelista, it would be endearing to kiss in public. But to do that at
my age would just be disgusting.
oOoWe never see each other.sometimes I am surprised that I
married such a good looking (man) because I hardly can see him. I sort of
got surprised when we see each other in the corridor. In other words, we
dont grit down each others neck.
oOoSir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and
Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You

have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or Ill
knock your teeth off!
(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a
televised press conference.)
oOoI will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges.
But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.
(Of the charges filed against her by several CID employees whom she
disciplined for graft and corruption.)
oOoWhat is the record of actual courtroom experience of my enemies,
not every dimwit can claim trial practice, which calls for the special rules
on trial technique and procedure. And what is the basis for all the pious
nonsense about judicial behavior, from people who have never seen a
courtroom, or read jurisprudence?
oOoI am aghast and postal that a party in litigation and the sub-mental
cretins who are my enemies have the gall to demand the power to control
the personality of the judge. To educate the non-educable, it is the judge
who controls the proceedings.
oOoMay I just make a point of grammar please? The Bible does not
say, Go out to the world. It sounds very much like God is encouraging us
to go out and copulate in public.
God said in the Bible, Go forth and multiply. That meant that God wanted
man, not necessarily to literally multiply, but to go out to work with the rest
of the human beings of this planet and to apply the stewardship theory.
Meaning to say, taking care of each other, who are all in the planet living
together.
oOoThey are quoting Jesus ? But none of them were living when He
was around plus theyre quoting God but the Bible says no one has ever
seen God. In fact, if we claimed to have seen God, as I said, you are in
urgent need of psychiatric care.

oOoPlease dont treat me as a mere observer. I am a judge in this

proceeding! In any trial court, you should not speak, you should not take
any behavior at all unless with the consent of the presiding judge. Dont
drown me out by screaming in this courtroom! Only I can scream here and
my fellow judges! (Scolding private prosecutor Arthur Lim)
oOoYou know, if you shut down all the TV cameras, the proceedings
will be finished in one week, but people want more than 15 [minutes] of
fame.
oOoHow many witnesses do you intend to present? You dont even
have any idea? You come to court prepared! You do not waste the time of
this court!