The Explorers of Evil: The Dimension Diamond

By Nick Purdy
There once lived a small Mexican girl with an abnormally large head in proportion to her
body. She enjoyed going on extremely dangerous adventures and teaching other small children
how to speak both English and Spanish along the way.
In another part of the world, in a dark underground dungeon to be exact, there lived an
incredibly odd creature who went by the name Gollum. Nobody called him Gollum because he
always ate whoever ventured anywhere near his cave. He had a knack for muttering to himself,
and thats how he is Gollum.
Avada Kedavra! screamed Voldemort in England, killing Harry Potter.
Peter and Wendy were extremely smart children. They specialized in computer
programming and hacking. They were famous for once tricking their parents into getting killed
by holographic lions in a fake African Veldt. Peter and Wendy were twins, yet Peter was born at
11:58 PM on December 31, 1995, and Wendy was born at 12:05 on January 1st, 1996. Peter
and Wendy were part of a secret government organization called the Illuminati. It was a nobrainer that these two would be extremely useful when the leader hired them.

DORA! BOOTS! Come on, Dora! D-D-D-Dora! D-D-D-Dora! chanted Piglet.

Shut up or I blow this basement! said a raspy, dry voice.
AHHH! cried Piglet. He fell off the couch and hit his head. A dark, hooded figure
emerged from the shadows of Piglets Porkesian Hut. The mysterious figure put down his hood
and Piglet was grossed out to see a scrunched-up, shrively-skinned creature.
The names Gollum, said the horrible creature in its raspy, dry voice. Gollum seeks the
map that leads to Crazy Town. Gollum comes in pieces. Gollum bowed and held out his
shriveled up hand to Piglet. Piglet cautiously and slowly held out his hand and shook Gollums,
but when he grabbed the hand it came off Gollums arm! Then the hand clamped around

Piglets, and Gollum did an evil chuckle and stood back up. Piglet screamed in terror as the
shriveled up hand clinged to his arm and crawled up to Piglets neck.
You cannot escape the wrath of the precious Monkeys Paw! exclaimed Gollum.
MWAHAHA!
AHHHHHHHH! Piglet yelled as the shriveled up Monkeys Paw choked him to death.
Whats going on? Que esta pasando? inquired Dora the Deranged from inside the
television. She hopped out of the T.V. and said, Hola! Senior, soy Dora! Cmo te llamas tu?
Hello, Im Dora! Whats your name?
NOW! called Gollum.
So are you Chinese or Japanese? asked Voldemort.
Huh? Im Mexican--
Avada Kedavra! yelled Lord Voldemort.
Oh no! said Dora in that casual we-have-a-small-conflict tone of voice. But Boots
jumped out of the T.V. and took the hit for Dora. Dora, filled with rage, switched from a Mexican
T.V. kid to Japanese Crime-Fighting Samurai. She charged at Lord Voldemort and knocked him
back. Gollum grabbed the Monkeys Paw from around Piglets thin-as-a-pencil neck. Something
parchmentylike was sticking out of Piglets shirt sleeve. Gollum picked it up. It was the map to
Crazy Town. The map started singing and a face appeared on it.
Map map map map! Map map map map! YEAH!
Ugh! Shut up! Gollum muttered. He got up, put on his Invisibility Ring, and shuffled off
toward the commotion.
Dora was standing on Voldemort, who was lying on the ground against the wall of the
hut.
Crucio! Voldemort attempted.
NUH-UH! YO SPELLS DON WORK ON ME, SUCKA!!! Dora yelled. She unsheathed
her ULTRA Brand Double-Sided Dump Approved Samurai Sword and cut off Voldemorts

wand-arm, but Gollum, invisible, was right there at his side, and he quickly applied ULTRA
Brand Worst-Case Scenario Body-Part Grow-Back Ointment, so Voldemort grew his arm back!
Dora grabbed the Elder Wand out of Voldemorts right hand, snapped it in half, and did
continuous backflips out of the house.
My wand! cried Voldemort. The nasty little girl snapped it!
Oh, do not worry, precious, replied Gollum, removing the ring and becoming visible.
Hold up, said Voldemort. Do you hear that? Static
Never mind that, Gollum and Voldemort has to get back to base. Gollum found the
map, said Gollum.
Come in, came a static, muffled voice.
There is is again! Voldemort exclaimed. Oh, thats my communicator. He reached into
his pocket and pulled out a walkie-talkie. Come in, my Lord! called Peter. Yeah, weve figured
out how to teleport you to Crazy Town! added Wendy. Just hold the map up to the WalkieTalkies camera so we can see it. Okay, Initiating
POOF.
ATTACK!
Ah! Ow! Ow! Eek! Stop it! cried Voldemort and Gollum. The two of them were
surrounded by a bunch of children throwing stones at them. There was a woman hunched over
next to them, screaming. Voldemort whipped out his original wand and declared,
Avada Ke--
I WISH THEM DEAD! Gollum screamed. The Monkeys paw jumped out of Gollums
hand and sped around, choking and knocking over the creepy stone-throwing children. Go,
Precious, Go! chanted Gollum. Voldemort grabbed Gollum around his skinny waist and
Apparated them to outside the circle. The Monkeys paw flew back to Gollum and he stroked it.
Good precious. Goood. Voldemort looked at Gollum, slightly disturbed, and distanced himself
from Gollum a bit. The pair of them walked through the desert town until they came across a

four-way road intersection. The stop lights were rapidly changing and would be indistinguishable
for drivers. This was no ordinary intersection, mind you. There were people riding race horses,
people on scooters, babies with big mustaches riding Demonic Harley Davidson motorcycles,
bank robbers in zebra outfits driving Lamborghinis, people buggies being pulled by donkeys, ,
Zipliners, people with Demonic Dump Industries Rocket Boots, Elephants riding Hoverboards,
and even a highly robust Mercenary in a Helicopter who, strangely, was not using the sky for
transport.
And Gollum thought he was crazy, Gollum said.
YOU think, thats what! cried a tiny Yoda who was slowly creeping across the
pedestrians path to the other side of the street. Then he slowly rose upward, using the Force to
just fly to the other side. Much easier, this is, said Yoda.
Guys! Enough with the observations! came Wendys voice from the walkie talkie.
Yeah, you need to turn left at this intersection and continue down Crazy Court, added Peter.
Do us a favor and dont get killed. I really dont want to have to get out of this bean-bag chair
and find the Dimension Diamond myself.
Oh, so THATS why you sent us on this trip! Voldemort said. So we could be your little
slaves, uh?
Yes, precisely, replied Wendy.
Aww, Voldemort sighed. He and Gollum continued walking down Crazy Street and
then, with the help from Peter and Wendy, took a right onto Insane Lane, were barely missed by
a mustache-baby in a hot rod wielding a minigun, then a left onto Deranged Drive, dodging a
jockey on a horse, another left onto Bonkers Boulevard, used a Shield Charm to protect them
from a giant monkey, and finally took a right onto Psychotic Stroll.
Okay, my scanners are picking up increased radiation near this walkway, Peter told
them through the Walkie-Talkie.
Gollum no understand!!!

It means youre getting closer to the Dimension Diamond, translated Wendy. So just
keep a lookout and let us know if you see anything weird.
Excuse me, Voldemort said. Were in Crazy Town. EVERYTHING is weird!
You know what she meant. Just...keep looking, said Peter.
Gollum has a proposal to make, said Gollum. If such a thing as the Dimension
Diamond was in (Gollum, gollum, cough) Crazy Town, it wouldnt be out in the open for any
lunatic to come and mess with.
Gollums right, realized Voldemort. We should be looking underground and stuff.
Good idea, replied Peter. My scanners are picking up an underground bunker, now
that you mention it. Take a left right now and look for a door or something.
Mmmmm, mmed Gollum.
Specialis Revelio! muttered Voldemort. The spell caused the brick wall on the side of
the road to fade away, revealing a metal door. Bingo! announced Voldemort.
Excellent, said Peter.
Voldemort opened up the metal door and began to walk down the stairs to the hidden
bunker, but out of nowhere a heavily tanned midget with a huge head and a small body came
charging at him from the darkness.
YOULL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BOOTS! RAHHH! raged the midget.
Holy CENSORED ! Voldemort squealed.
The heavily tanned midget lunged into Voldemort and knocked him back and they rolled
out of the secret passageway and into the wall on the other side of the street.
Not this again! grunted Voldemort.
Gollum has two more wishes, Gollum thought aloud. Gollum wishes tan girl dead!!!
The Monkeys Paw jumped out of Gollums hand and flew over to Dora. Go, precious, go, go,
go! jeered Gollum. But right as the paw was about to grab Dora by the neck, Dora wheeled
around and Karate-Kicked the Monkeys Paw and broke the brittle monkey bones inside it. The

remnants flew in all directions as Gollum cried, NOOO! PRECIOUS! Gollum! Gollum! Cough,
Gollum! Slowly Gollum looked up at Dora. He put on his ring and disappeared.
Oh mierda! Adnde fue?! Oh, crap! Whered he go?! Dora cried.
AVADA KEDAVRA!!! bellowed Voldemort. But the spell ricocheted off Doras Demonic
Dump Industries Adamantium SIlver Samurai Suit and hit some robber who was driving by in
a stolen car with big bags of money. The whole town suddenly came onto the street and started
cheering for Voldemort.
Meanwhile, Gollum had charged into the secret bunker, retrieved the Dimension
Diamond from its depths, and opened a wormhole that led to Doraland. He roundhouse kicked
Dora with his Dump Industries Rocket Kicking Boots and she sailed into the wormhole.
Yus! Voldemort declared.
Lets celebrate with some Porkesian Bacon! Peter announced. Party at my place!