An unaligned heretic asks a Thousand Son, "Magician, can you turn me into a

Slaaneshi?"
"Sure," replies the Son, "but in order to turn you into a Slaaneshi, we'll need to take
away 30% of your brain, make you 80% more likely to give a blowjob to one of Nurgle's
boys, and add two inches to your penis."
The heretic agrees and the Thousand Son begins his spell.
When they're done, the Thousand Son is confused. "Sir, I'm very sorry, but apparently
there were some complications with the spell. I accidently took away 80% of your brain,
made you 30% queerer, and removed two inches from your penis. Is this all right with
you?"
The heretic replies, "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD"

Space Marine Commander, Sisters of Battle Canoness and a Commissar are arguing
about which one leads the bravest troops
SM Commander says: "My Space Marines could jump out of the 100th floor of this
building."
The other say to prove it, so he calls one Space Marine and says:
SMC: "Jump out of 100th floor of this building"
Space Marine: "As you command!" and jumps
SoB Canoness says: "My Sisters of Battle could jump out of the 200th floor of this
building"
The other say to prove it, so she calls one Sister of Battle and says:
SoB Cannoness: "Jump out of 200th floor of this building"
Sister of Battle: "For the Emperor!" and she jumps
The Commissar says that his guardsmen could do the same, so he calls one
guardsman and says:
Commissar: "Jump out of the 300th floor of this building
Guardsman: "Sir, no sir!"
Commissar: "And THAT'S Courage!"

Ok, so there's a Chaos cruiser, an Imperium cruiser and an Eldar cruiser fighting in

deep space. Suddenly a warp storm engulfs the ships and a strange being speaks to
the commanders. It says it's an ancient warp entity with the power to grant wishes, and
it gives one wish to all 3 captains. Whatever they ask for will be granted them.
The Imperium captain gets down on his knees and prays: "Oh creature, in the name of
the Emperor, destroy all creatures of Chaos and the heresy they bring!" The warp spirit
nods.
The Chaos captain shakes his fist and screams: "DENIZEN OF THE WARP! I WISH
ONLY FOR ALL SERVANTS OF THE FALSE EMPEROR TO BE CLEANSED FROM
THE GALAXY, AND FOR THE IMPERIUM OF MAN TO BE DESTROYED!" The
creature nods again.
The Eldar captain gets up from his chair, looks at the apparition and asks: "So, both
their wishes have come true now, right?" The creature says "Yes, indeed they have."
Then the Eldar sits back down, strokes his chin and says: "I'll have a coffee, then."