\ (atic ful v Wore, 4-Ab-Vb Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation 19 Sibrina Benaim dlom, my depression is a shapeshifter Meyaphor One day ifs a8 small as a firefly in the palm of abear S in ite, The next it's the bear eke, pro Qn those days | play dead until the bear leaves me alone MeAepier- i'call the bad days "the Dark Days” Mom says try lighting candles But when | see a candle | see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame Cansenence Sparks oF a memory younger than noon Ger Bora Teter Om Tam standing beside her open casket It is the moment that | learn everyone | will ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed | can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head Meyaghot™ Mom says where did anxiety come trom Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party PerseniPicatio ny Mom, lam the party Only I'm a party | don't want to be at Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends Sure | make plans, | make plans but | don't want to go to make plans because | know I should want to go | Know sometimes | would have wanted to go it's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his ams Mete.cnoc Dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-ight Me tapner msomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company merapher Mom says try counting sheep But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So | go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists fersen'! They ring in my ears like clumsy church balla $i waite, Reminding me that | am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that | cannot_ Baptize myself in, MV ekaghor Mom says happy is a decision But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked eggg yah | My happy is a AQh Tver ATW BEAR A eo | Mom says Tam so good at making Something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if | am afraid of dying No | am afraid of living Mom, | am lonely ' think | learned that when Dad left how to tum the anger into lonely the lonely into busy when I say I've been super busy lately | mean I've been falling asleep watching Sportscenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back tomybed_M@ Yeyolner~ . Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city‘My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves Fersn'f. The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat Mere! we But lama careless fouriet here Mey, apn eee fe | will never truly know everywhere I have been Mom still doesn't understand Mom, can't you see That neither can | a : . 7 Sad . + lots of similes * Vhe authors depres Story Yo eC \ae yo She pout Me aulwor 8s oO ely Wing. aka atrard 6¢ “Spe \ooveds Stored - Snoalivg J - Lech LY wes scored and WIT V LCADIE ~~ Ce ye ol ‘rou ane. \Oddecl- Ty sound Vice she wad Faining avout row she S Ynorsing becovre, Tt sounds V1 “he her Mor Ated GNd she is done. one wigs Goren tece! egress 4S Kerdd mane tro = ay Y