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C.'au r.L

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation

Sabrina Benaim

next it's the bear

On those days I play de
bear leaves me alone
I callthe bad davs "t
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment th?t llearn_everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom,thunot afraid of the dark,
of the
Mom says I thought the problem was thal
l c a n' t, qn xi e h old
gJ g9 o-l gy_! gg"99* j nS, {g. gl nI!9 a,
?" ! ? :_tls
=
Mom says wherd did nxiety come from
Anxiety)is lhs-E-qusjgvlsrflno frop otL.orlzun--tlrf depcssr-o.hI(o-hligale*lo-bJttg
-to*th"gi3ry
MonI,I am the
ry_rqD
Only I'ni pffi1-don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go to
'"T"r!1g ptrn9 bgcaugq.-L_KnoW_"1 qh"o-g.lq.y3.*l!-o_l:Lsometimes I would have wanted to go
-.."$ l-q:l Iol.[g!IUn.hq-ving lun when you o't wntTGtnom

::

YouseeMomeachnighul-s:o.lryg"y:_e!-_sJe-"!p*I_|31f ...:
Dips.me
in the kitchen in the small glow of thg
the stove.=.ttghl*-- ---"'\
lnsomnia has-this romantic wav c
ng t6,g.Ino9n feel like perfect compi!--,
-- --a*'

/'-But my mind qan only count reasons to

So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells
Reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness tha! I
"rnt**-
Baptize mys.-qlf .i -,
"
Mom says'"happy is a decisin
,,
But my happff'asfiTow ae iiiii pric
My happy is a hi
Mom sa
akins-som-eth.ing _o"ut qf
I am afraid of living

thihFFffiffiffth-at when DagJ?$,hplq to turn

-*_,o when I say l've been super busy lately I mean

To avoid confronting the emply, slde of my bed

nfa ig asleep watching Sprfscenfer on the couch

But my d9g9ss1on aly1311drggs.{Ag:ka_k to my bed

Until mv bones are fgrgottgtglsls gl_a skeleton sunken city
;

-..,,,,-'-2#

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