gipuonP? Bl, &2, 23 Hand Me Downs By Sarah Kay I know you've taken to wearing around your father’s hand-me-down anger. But | wish that hthat you wouldn't, It's hangs lo ngs loose 3 at all the — {2 few sigs fo0 big and everyone can see ft doesn't fit you, makes you look wrong places, even ifit does match your skin color. know you think you'll grow into it, that your arms will beef up after all the fighting and it will sit on your ' Shoulders if only you pin it on the right places with well-placed conviction. ‘The bathroom mirror tells you you look good in it, that it makes your fists lock a lot more justified, when you dig your hands deep into the Pockets you'll find stories hidden he left there for you to hand out to the other boys like car bombs. ‘And on days when everything else is slipping through your fingers, this you can wrap yourself inside of, this will keep you warm at night, help you drift off fo sleep with a certainty that no matter what, ft will stil be there when you wake up. And the longer you weer it, the better it starts to fit, until some of the stories are your ‘own. Maybe the holes in the sleeve are from the bullets you dodged yourself, so when It ips, snags on a barbed w fe fence or someone else's family, don't worry, ‘Cause your mother and your sister will help mend it-patch the holes, sew the tears, replace a button or two, help you back into it and tell you how proud they are of you, how good it looks on you the same way it looked on your dad, and your granddad too, and on his dad before him and on his father before him. But back then, back then there was only sand until someone drew a line, someone built a wall, someone threw a stone. And the crack in the skull that it hit fractured perfectly outward, like twigs.on the branches on_ the limbs of a family tree. So someone threw a stone back, and each fracture, each tiny break wound itself together into thread and the thread pulled itself around him- your great-great-great-great somebody. And on the other side of that wall they were knitting just as fast, and their's ft them just as well but only slightly diferent shade. So I'm asking, when the time comes, who's gonna be the first one to put down the needle and thread? Who's gonna be the first one to remember that thelr grandpa suffered just as many broken windows, broken hearts, broken bones, and the first ime you come down to dinner and your son is siting at the ining room table with your hatred on his shoulders, who's gonna be the fst one tote him ifs finaly tine fo take itofP OME Wis means Aho who ve aqouwre Oo SEO Mae Wome ye -ch Quy Yoolgy On Wrowd TES bon dO FAIL ORE CKOUHA Sr,a WASerSNECO Ye LEA ets Gl Ne v Yeuck We Goa, TO MHA, AAS LEO WAR ORS Auk Your parenry Wied OP Drage WRF YOO SAR, Tews Loko van Comm pow Boe and UGRELE FO Vinh: micchouan “Bhi And Wook ecu Won feel commPort dey “ Wok Ww ee vat yoor oe RAW ORE, OS RK LOU Rheue Fo Chane i BOUE Ger sonetyiy FOF ALA ex kor,cy weon® Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation Sabrina Benaim Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter One day its as smalias a firefly in the palm of a The next ifs the bear On those days | play dead until the bear leaves I call the bad days “the Dark Days" SSS Mom says try lighting candles But when I see a candie I see the flesh of a church, the ficxer of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon — - | am standing beside her open casket itis the moment that learn everyone | will ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom, 'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed | can't, anxiety.holds me @ hostage inside of my house, inside of my head Mom says where did anxiety come from ‘iors Say why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends Sure | make plans, | make plans but | don't want to go to * make plans because | know | should want to go | know sometimes | would have wanted to go it's just not that fun having fun ave fun, Mom, oi sone ON insomnia sweeps me up in his arms Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel lke perfect. company Mom says try counting sheep But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake S01 go for waiks, but my stuttering knéecaps lank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists ‘They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells 3. eee Reminding me that Tams Baptize myself in Mom says happy is a decision pec eenpnel But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg— My happy is a high Fever that will break es SOCS © ‘Mom says | am so good at making something out of nothing-and then flat out asks me if | am afraid of dying No _Tam afraid of living Mom, lam lonely ' think | learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy 20 when I say I've been super busy lately [ mean I' ‘ve been falling asleep \ watching Sportscenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken cityMy mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. ‘The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat But | am a careless tourist here | will never truly know everywhere I have been Mom stil doesn’t understand Mom, can't you see That neither can | Ths Hie kerence O@hoe en VS Ft 4 caw BEM ML POR NN knead VROAG “ AY POL Wace \y SONAL S Wnt POLECFOL porn WOEC a Gyn VA Gants i yROM MRANS - dor explo aina Vearch $O Cerer, \ TOW YR Gk Vaw Peel She CSO COMpayE s AEPLL ST OW, Yen AAS An RA Yn Seuss ee, Sovng 4¥ She Sous Noo depre Owe