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Appendix: Sex, Relationships &
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Appendix: Sex,
Relationships &
Productivity

Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

SEX, RELATIONSHIPS & PRODUCTIVITY

Editors Note: This chapter has been separated from the main PDF as an
appendix. We understand that sex and relationships are both politically
and socially sensitive topics, even within the context of their application to
productivity.

The worlds most productive people are those who understand sex and
have it on a regular basis.
- Asian Efficiency
Sex is a critically important (and neglected) topic when it comes to our lives
and our productivity. A cursory glance will tell you that most people who are
happy, healthy and successful have regular sex.
Simply put, theres never been a time management or productivity book about
sex. Every single day were bombarded with messages about sex through
marketing and advertising channels sex sells, and its obviously of enough
primal importance to human beings for it to do that. Yet its never discussed in
terms of its impact on our work. Sex seems to be this taboo topic that no-one
wants to discuss, probably because its so polarizing and politicized.
Sitting right alongside sex are our romantic relationships. They are also
important because they are very much tied to sex, human behavior and how
our society has evolved and currently is. And while they get slightly more
coverage than sex in time management books, they are only rarely mentioned.

Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

We would like to say upfront that theres no such thing as an expert on sex
it is a very varied human activity. We like to think that at Asian Efficiency we
bring one perspective, and our research for this chapter brings perspectives
from different men/women across different age groups, cultural backgrounds,
nationalities and orientations. More importantly, rather than keep things in
the moral or theoretical realms, were going to make what youre about to
learn about sex, relationships and productivity actionable. Youll be able to
walk away with things not only to think about but to actually do that will
increase your productivity.

Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

SEX
COMMON MISTAKES AND MISCONCEPTIONS

Theres no denying the position of prominence that sex enjoys in our society.
One third of all Internet traffic is pornography. Women spend hours every
week applying makeup and worrying about fashion. Men work 7 days a week
in soul-crushing jobs so they can buy things to please their wives. Men and
women around the world, play an ever-intricate social mating game with each
other to get sex, a relationship or some combination of their choosing.
Here are the 2 common mistakes that people make when it comes to sex:
1. Thinking that sex doesnt drive or motivate them to do anything, because
it absolutely does. People have done all manner of incredible and heinous
things in the name of love, sex and relationships. Most of what we do
day-to-day as human beings is designed to get us more sex, or more
commitment in a relationship, or a relationship that we want.
2. Thinking that sex and relationships is the same for men and women. It
simply isnt. While what well be talking about in this chapter will work
and apply for both men and women, you will also notice mentions of
applicability for men and women. This is not because we favor one
gender (or orientation for that matter) over the other - its simply
biological and social reality that men and women are both made and
treated differently.
As you go through the action steps below, keep in mind this mindset:
Dont be judgmental about sex or the other gender both men and women
enjoy sex. Take responsibility for your own sex life and relationships, because
this will make you more productive.

SEXUAL ENERGY AND TRANSMUTATION

Lets dive into the practical side of how sex impacts productivity what is
popularly known as sexual energy and sexual transmutation.
Its about channeling your thoughts, focus and energy from sex into your
work, and using it to send your productivity into overdrive. Yes, it does sound
a bit woo-woo, but its really about controlling desire, and about conserving

Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

and channeling the focus and attention that is normally focused on sex (and
attraction and flirting) towards productive ends, like getting more things done.
SEX TRANSMUTATION

As far as we know, Napoleon Hills book Think and Grow Richis the modern
granddaddy of all theory on sexual energy. Sure, the whole idea of conserving
sexual energy does go back further to Taoist and other Eastern traditions, but
the first widespread, modern record is from Hill.
There are a couple of interesting things about what Hill wrote:
He never actually tells you what to do, but does wax lyrical and skirt
around the topic a lot.
He only talks about men.
When people talk about Think and Grow Rich, no one ever mentions the
sex transmutation chapter.
CHANNELING SEXUAL ENERGY (TRANSMUTATION)

As far as we can tell, the theory and scientific background for conserving
sexual energy is fairly poor, and most accounts are self-reported, common folk
knowledge or observational. So lets skip that and get right into the how of
channeling sexual energy how to turn your desire, your love, your romance,
your attraction into action towards productive things.
In conversations with clients and our blog readers, we have found that the
principles of this are the same for men and women. The real-life application
may be slightly different as there are obviously anatomical and biological
differences between men and women, and also socially-enforced gender
roles and expectations (which have more of an effect on our psychology and
mindset than we give them credit for).

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

STOP MASTURBATING

Heres what Napoleon Hill was trying to tell you but couldnt find the right
words to do so:

StopMasturbating.
Its that simple.
At this point, women may be thinking no problem, and men start
hyperventilating. Why? There are a lot of reasons.
For men (well get to women shortly):
Fewer ejaculations equate to better focus and a greater ability to work.
Your body actually builds up larger quantities of testosterone.
Historically speaking, most men masturbated as teenagers growing up,
but as they settled into a marriage or relationships, most dropped, or at
least decreased the frequency of the habit. With the advent of Internet
pornography though, this process has gone out the window.
If you abuse masturbation, it becomes a success barrier in your life. Think
about all the time youve spent masturbating, and the opportunity cost.
Giving up masturbation helps you give up pornography, which has its
own set of problems. Well discuss that later in this chapter.
The mechanism upon which this works is largely unknown and most people
try to explain it spiritually through chakras and energy points and whatnot,
but basically you conserve energy/hormones/emotion/focus and are able to
channel them into other things, creating incredible results.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

Now while the instructions are simple, the application is not. Most modern men
simply cannot stop masturbating. Interestingly enough, more women than men
can stop masturbating. Here are some tips for making this happen:
Recognize that you will feel the need to masturbate or have sex. Keep
having sex. But if masturbation is your only option dont. In the
beginning, its just your body going through withdrawal from a longformed habit. Instead of masturbating, force yourself to sit down and
work over time, this gets easier and the work you produce will be of
incredible quality (not to mention efficient).
Seriously, resist the temptation to masturbate. If you really cant stand it,
talk to your partner, or call your girlfriend/a girl over. Its better.
If you really cant concentrate on work, you need to switch up activities.
Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Go out and flirt with women. You can do
anything else as long as its not watching porn or masturbating.
AND SEX?

Youll notice that weve said to keep on having sex.

Your body knows the difference between sexual intercourse and
masturbation. Your mind does too. After intercourse, you get a healthy dose
of oxytocin and testosterone. After masturbation, you mostly get dopamine,
which candramatically throw off your mental state(especially if you
masturbate a lot).
What about oral sex or digital stimulation? Well, theres no concrete data
available, but our best guess is that the presence of sexual partner has
something to do with hormone release, and that both are somewhere inbetween masturbation and intercourse.
After you have sex, be sure to take zinc supplements. Zinc provides the raw
material for the production of prostate fluid and semen, and your body will be
in a deficit after sex.
All the benefits that men derive from sexual intercourse, women also derive
(albeit, in the form of estrogen, not testosterone). Weve also been told by
numerous women that sex provides a giant emotional and physical reset for
them, reducing stress, unblocking emotions and even resolving migraines.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

Probably something to do with all those good hormones.
MASTURBATION FOR WOMEN?

As we noted earlier, Hill never mentions how women can channel sexual
energy in Think and Grow Rich. We suspect that this is because at time of
writing, there just werent as many women climbing corporate ladders and
achieving the awesome things as there are today, so Hill had no reference
point. There may also have been less understanding about the nature of
female desire and libido in Hills time.
So, the interesting question is will simply stopping masturbation and
focusing in on a mission work for women too?
We dont see any reason that it wont.
The biological nature of the female orgasm and sexual response may differ
from that of men, but there is absolutely no reason this cannot work for
women too.
We should note however, that some Taoist and Eastern traditions that
postulate that when a woman orgasms, she expends far less energythan
when a man does (they offer this as a explanation for women being multiorgasmic while most men are not). This sort of makes sense men ejaculate
semen upon orgasm, women do not (female ejaculation is something entirely
different). Less sexual energy spent means less of a need to conserve it,
meaning that women are probably already channeling it into other things
effectively, so conserving and channeling a bit more through refraining from
masturbation may not yield as much of a noticeable result as it does for men.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

MAKING LOVE TO YOUR MISSION

So now that you have all this pent-up sexual energy from not masturbating,
the question becomes what do you do with it.
There are two options here.
1. If you are pretty self-disciplined, simply take your mission in life and
follow it. Use the internal arousal and desire and focus in on that mission
with everything that you have.If you dont have a mission, we have a
great article on discovering your purpose here.
2. If you have trouble being self-disciplined, you want to learn to make
love to your mission. Give it a form, make it feel sexy, and feel love for it.
Once youve done this, get to it.
Yes, here at Asian Efficiency, we do indeed make love to productivity on a
daily basis.
This is not a complex process, or magical in any way. Whenever you feel the
need to masturbate, simply sit down, and focus on your work or passion
project instead. For example, say night time rolls around and youre sitting in
bed and the idea of an evening full of pornography and masturbation starts to
form in your mind. Instead of locating the computer and some Kleenex, pick
something important and work on that instead. Grab the computer and start
writing a blog post. Work on that report thats been overdue for 2 weeks.
Head outside for a 20 minute walk. Instead of sitting there mulling over the
fact that you could be masturbating, find something else to occupy your
mind and thoughts instead something productive is usually better than say

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watching television or reading a book.
When you start to do this, amazing things happen in your life. The most
noticeable will be how productive and efficient you become at getting
things done. People around you will also sense it and youll start to attract
good things into your life, be they resources, contacts, people or romantic
prospects.
CRUSHES

The idea of a crush has biological roots in the concept of pair bonding
where we want to have one partner and enjoy and spend time with them.
Credit goes to Arden Leigh from A Weapon of Mass Seduction for pointing this
out to us.
Simply put, having a crush is having emotions or feelings channeled towards
the potential of a future pair bond (love). The urge to pair bond is extremely
strong in human beings, and as Arden Leigh puts it, Youll do anything to
impress them. This can be someone youre already in a relationship with
(spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee), or someone you would like to be in a
relationship with.
For women, it is more of an emotional crush than a sexual one. This is
because sex is typically an emotional experience for women, whereas for
men there tends to be a clear separation between the physical and emotional
components.
Channeling this crush is simple: simply think of the object of your crush as

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

youre working on projects, and push forward with them.
If you read the chapter on sex transmutation in Think and Grow Richcarefully,
youll notice that Hill makes a lot of references to finding the right woman to
act as a sort-of muse for men.
For men, finding a specific woman to direct this energy towards may be helpful
but isnt actually necessary. The energy/built-up emotions and feelings that
come from following the protocol of:
1. Not masturbating.
2. Continuing to have sex as per normal.
3. Continuing on your mission in life.
This is more than enough for most men. This is mostly because men have
a biological imperative (backed by large amounts of testosterone) to seek
out new partners all the time, and thus focusing on a specific woman isnt
as necessary to channel their sex drive. Men simply arent wired to be as
predisposed to pair bonding or getting a crush as women are. If anything,
men have more of a sexual crush, which can be incredibly powerful in
boosting productivity and motivation (essentially the same thing as refraining
from masturbation, and using thoughts of sex/women to focus in on work).
There is a problem with this though this sexual crush quickly fades once
a man has had sex with the object of his crush, and men who are quite
successful with women tend not to get crushes.
As a women, having a crush is incredibly powerful and motivating. It will help
you do amazing things.
As a man, if you can use sexual crushes to help motivate you, great. If not,
just stop masturbating and focus on your mission.
FEMININITY AND MASCULINITY

Warning: this section is not politically-correct.

We briefly mentioned before the man on a mission effect where a man
channeling all his energy and concentration and focus into his mission in
life becomes magnetic and starts to draw in all the things he needs. This is
because part of masculine nature is having a mission in life. It fits in nicely.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

Women have this too, but they have another way of getting it: femininity.
Femininity is the one huge thing that separates women from men (and
masculinity separates men from women). It seems obvious, but in todays
world it often is not.
Now what exactly to do we mean by femininity? Some modern interpretations
would be:
Taking care of oneself exercise, diet, appearance.
Feminine grace and poise.
More than that, it is being a woman rather than a man.
The clearest example of this is spending time in countries like Sweden or
Norway egalitarian and developed societies by any measure, but you can
obviously tell that the women are happy with being women, while the men are
happy with being men.
Women who have embraced their femininity have a balance and poise that
is apparent to the people around them it shows that youve got being a
woman handled. As one of our female contributors put it to us: it creates selfconfidence and makes her feel better about herself. In turn, this leads to an
increased motivation to do things, and a more productive life.
Similar to how weve looked at sexual energy and a mission for men, an
abundance of feminine energy attracts resources, people, ideas, creativity and
a whole lot more into a womans life.
And the question has to be asked what about masculine traits and
traditionally male achievements? Those are great provided that you have
the femininity aspect in place already. Sure, there are plenty of successful
women today with strongly masculine traits and nature, and very little hints
of femininity. But youll probably notice that 1) they tend to be older, 2) men
treat them as men, not as women. And in doing so, these women lose out on
the benefits that feminine energy could bring them.
For women: Embrace femininity first. Masculine traits are a choice and a
bonus on top.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

The flipside is true for men.
About 90% of what it takes to be a mans man lies in having a strong
mission and purpose in life, and pursuing it and making it come first before
anything else. In doing so, you get that attractive effect of drawing people and
resources in to help you do what you need to do.
We all have friends and family who ask us to get in touch with our feminine
side. Our suggestion? Do the flipside of what we just suggested for women
get your masculine nature down first, then selectively adopt feminine traits
if they help you. If not, dont worry about them and just get on with your
mission in life.
For men: Embrace your masculinity. Feminine traits to be selectively adopted
as a choice.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

PORNOGRAPHY
Pornography? Its a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a
thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandoras box of visuals. There have probably
been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed. John Mayer,
musician.
No discussion of sex and productivity would be complete without a discussion
of pornography and how it affects us today.
This section is really written for men. Women are welcome to read too, but
lets face it men are by far the largest consumers of pornography (theres
that biological difference again).
I think most people will agree that the male consumption of pornography
tends to be accompanied by masturbation. It may eventually develop to a
point where someone consumes pornography without masturbation, but for
most people, the two are linked.
At the most basic, rawest level, less masturbation increases productivity (as
outlined earlier), and less consumption of pornography is less time watching
something unproductive. In the long term, less reliance on a television or
computer screen for entertainment means an increased ability to concentrate
and focus on tasks, thus raising productivity levels as well.
So:
Less porn = less time passively watching a screen = less masturbation = more
time to do other things.

PORNOGRAPHY AND ADDICTION

There is a lot of biology and neuroscience around why pornography is

problematic and why it drains our ability to be productive. We are going to
present a short synopsis here, and would encourage you to do your own
research online if youre interested.
Basically, when you watch porn, it instructs your body to release dopamine
into your system. Why? Well, theres a sequence of things that happen that
lead to this.

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

The human body is built to binge on two things: food and sex (reproductive
opportunities). This is because in pre-agricultural times, these were two
rare commodities that your bodys binge mechanism was designed to take
advantage of. The modern variants are sugar and pornography.
When you masturbate, your body releases dopamine, culminating in orgasm
which is a large hit of dopamine. Over time and repeated exposure, your brain
begins to start releasing dopamine in anticipation of masturbation and orgasm
it essentially becomes wired to release dopamine every single time you
watch porn.
Because dopamine essentially motivates us towards specific behaviors, once
this link is established, watching porn equates to dopamine release.
An addiction loop is formed.
This is not the whole picture however. There are some very unique factors
that make this loop possible in the modern day.
The first is the Coolidge Effect. The Coolidge Effect is a biological
phenomenon where animals seek out new sexual partners even when they
have access to current ones. What this means is that simply more of the same
isnt enough you need variety and novelty when it comes to sex. This is
where modern pornography comes into play it offers unlimited variety with
an unlimited number of new partners.
The second, is the unique nature of modern pornography. Modern porn
is widely available, its typically free or low-cost and it can be consumed
privately without social ramifications. More importantly, there is unlimited
novelty and variety available on the Internet, with only the speed of your
broadband connection being a limiting factor. Essentially, there are no limits
to the consumption of pornography today, and as your brain seeks out more
sexual novelty (the Coolidge Effect), online porn is there, ready to serve up
whatever youre looking for.
The third, is human brain plasticity. Most people dont realize this, but our
brains are extremely adaptable. Essentially, actions or behaviors are stored
in what are called neurons, which can be thought of pathways to certain
behavior. These neurons are very much like physical pathways the more

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they are used, the more durable and marked they become. This is why human
beings are able to learn through conditioning and repeated actions. With
pornography, our brains learn certain patterns regarding sex after viewing.
Because of the Coolidge Effect, once these patterns are repeated enough
or become worn out, we seek out new pathways. This in turn produces a
never-ending cycle of seeking out new and more novel pornography, which is
essentially an addiction.
The nature of this addiction is similar to other addictions like comfort eating
(remember that the brain is wired to binge on food and sex), but is different
because novelty matters more than quantity.

THE PROBLEM WITH PORNOGRAPHY

Now you may be thinking OK, this is nice to know but are there any real
problems from watching a lot of porn? Well, yes there are:
Watching porn takes time. It might not seem like a lot, but 10 minutes
here, 30 minutes there it all adds up to time that can be better spent
doing other things.
Pornography paints an unrealistic portrayal of female behaviors and
appearance. This obviously has implications for your relationships, and
thus your life and productivity.
Pornography alters your sexual tastes and preferences over time. This
one is really interesting. Think about it: if your brain is wired to seek
out new and novel porn again and again and again what do you think
will happen when youve exhausted normal pornographic content?
You start looking for more extreme fetishes and kinks thus, the large
percentage of men out there watching pornography that has nothing do
to with their actual sexual likes or orientation.
Increased chance of erectile dysfunction. Enough said.
Increased levels of social anxiety due to lower dopamine level between
sessions of pornography (when you have high dopamine levels).
A lack of motivation. Probably from masturbation.
Bad real-world relationships due to a skewed view of the female gender.
Essentially, pornography alongside masturbation is about your brain
seeking dopamine highs, not sex.

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SOLUTIONS TO PORNOGRAPHY

The simplest solution is what weve mentioned a couple of times above: stop
watching porn.
There are obviously, some considerations though.
It is very possible that you will go through withdrawal problems in cutting
back your porn usage. Just like a drug or other addiction, you need to be
aware of this and know how to deal with it because its going to take
time. Our suggestion is to replace the cravings and urges with something
productive go work or produce something creative, or really focus in on
your mission in life.
Numerous forums and support groups on the Internet recommend eliminating
sex and masturbation during your reboot period. To be honest, no one at
Asian Efficiency has a pornography addiction, so we dont have any personal
experience in this regard. From a productivity standpoint, cutting out
masturbation is a good move your productivity levels will go up. As for sex,
well, some people say that no sex helps them get through the process. Our
opinion is that normal, regular sex is a healthy thing (and has lots of benefits).
You may be wondering if its necessary to cut all porn from your life, or if its
even a problem for you. Heres a good test that is quoted across most forums
and support groups dealing with the issue: can you get it up for a real woman
that is considered attractive?
If the answer is no, or if you would rather masturbate with pornography
instead of having sex with a real woman, then you have a porn addiction
problem.
As for the issue of removing all porn casual partaking is fine. And by casual,
think back to when your parents got a new copy of Playboy once a month in
the mail. You can bet that they werent flipping through the pages 24/7/365.

BENEFITS FROM NO PORNOGRAPHY

Obviously there need to be benefits to cutting back from pornography for us

to mention it. In addition to resolving most of the problems mentioned above,
you also get:

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Appendix: Sex, Relationships and Productivity

More time to do other things. Less screen time with porn equals more
time elsewhere.
Less screen time in general. In our opinion, while porn is unique, you
can easily substitute porn with your favorite TV series or video games.
The more time you spend away from the computer for leisure, the more
productive your time working at the computer will be.
You train your self-discipline by not watching porn and not masturbating.
You gain a more realistic assessment of female beauty. This is not
about tricking your mind into believing that what society or marketers
say about female beauty is right its about recognizing that most
average women in the world dont look like porn stars.
Better connections with women. This is a maybe. Most men who stop
consuming porn report that it makes their connections with women
deeper. Were ambivalent on this one, as we think it has more to do with
men inflating womens sexual attractiveness (and thus other traits) in the
lead-up to sex.

THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION

This wouldnt be Asian Efficiency if we didnt offer some sort of step-by-step

action plan to go about implementing all this. Here it is.
1. Cut down on viewing porn, or eliminate it completely. We already know
the benefits of cutting out masturbation, and if you do that, youll find
your porn consumption drastically reduced too. Note: a little bit here and
there with your partner is not a bad thing.
2. Go spend more time with real women instead. This one is a hard idea
to swallow for most porn recovery sites and support groups. Why?
Because it indirectly encourages men to well, be men - which in the
current climate, is politically incorrect. Whether this means spending
more time with your girlfriend/partner/spouse, or whether it means
spending more time doing activities where you can interact with real
women, its up to you. All we know for sure, is that interacting with real
women is better than watching porn.
3. Get a more realistic perspective on sex. This leads on from #2 the
more you interact with women, the more youll realize just how much

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human sexual behaviors and norms vary. Most people still dont
recognize that there are both young and old men and women out there
are playing out all manner of sexual scenarios, kinks and fantasies.

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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
No discussion of sex and its effects on the human brain and functioning is
complete without a discussion of love, and the social structures that bind
people together relationships.

BREAKING DOWN LOVE

As geeky as it is to break down love into component pieces, as productivity

nerds, thats what weve done.
There are hundreds if not thousands of philosophical interpretations of love,
which makes it unusually difficult to pin down, quantify or analyze. For the
purpose of productivity, its better to take a practical look at it by examining
the neuroscience behind what happens to the brain when someone is in
love. In this sense, were interpreting love as a chemical reaction within the
brain, or a motivational drive for future rewards (incidentally, also a chemical
reaction).
Our breakdown of love is:
1. Sexual desire.
2. Love as a drive or motivation.
3. Pair bonding.
The two chemicals in play when love is involved are dopamine and oxytocin. If
you know a bit about popular neuroscience, youll recognize these as the same
chemicals involved with food, drugs and addiction which is why food, drugs
and other addictive substances are often substituted in an absence of love.
The Sexual Desire component of love is essentially about strong dopamine
release. As you fall in love with someone on a physical level, your brain
rewards you by bumping up your dopamine levels.
The Drive/Motivation component of love comes from an initial dopamine
release in the body when you are in love. It is a rush that has addictive
qualities, and is the explanation for why people who are in love are often
obsessive, or addicted to the object of their affection. There are a couple
of interesting ramifications leading from this. The first is that as with all

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addictions, you can build up tolerance to the dopamine release (making you
want more of that person), and you can suffer withdrawal symptoms and
relapse symptoms too. The second is that because drive/motivational love is
dopamine based, you can do it again and again with different people.
The Pair Bonding aspect of love is about attachment and security. Pair
Bonding essentially describes the tendency of certain animals to form paired
relationships and remain in them for a duration of time. It is caused by
the release of the hormone oxytocin into our systems, which is caused by
behaviors like cuddling, touching or kissing. Essentially, it is that feeling you
have when you want someone to cuddle and hang out with. Pair bonding
is more of an emotional attachment than a sexual one, because of its basis in
oxytocin, not dopamine.
Knowing all this is nice in theory, but there is a practical side to it too. By
understanding that love can be broken down into component pieces, we
can better understand our choices and responses towards our partners (or
potential partners). Hopefully, this leads to more rational decisions and more
effective choices that help us rather than hamper us in our pursuit of goals.

SOCIAL MONOGAMY AND SEXUAL PROMISCUITY

One of the derivations from understanding that love consists of three things
(sexual desire, drive/motivation and pair bonding) is that these components
can often be conflicting and can pull us in opposite directions.
The one that affects our productivity the most is the interaction between
our sexual desires, and our need to pair bond. We like to think of it as Pair
Bonding vs the Coolidge Effect (the need to seek variety and novelty when it
comes to sexual partners).
Pair Bonding is the observed behavior that makes us focus in on one partner
and essentially become attached to them. The best scientific guess for why
this behavior exists is because pair bonding is beneficial for raising offspring.
Now most people like to think that human beings are rational creatures, and a
certain measure of intelligence above other animals. But consider this: society
has developed in such a way that it encourages us to be socially monogamous,
while allowing us to be sexually promiscuous.

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Social monogamy is incredibly advantageous to society and the human race as
a whole, and without a doubt the accepted norm. It is also the norm because
of the benefits that it brings to society: reduced competition among men
for sexual partners, and an overall increase in savings, child investment and
economic productivity at a national level. Why does it work? Because it locks
down the male sex drive into paternal investment (good for society) rather
than letting it run wild seeking new partners. Its interesting to note that
historically, most of the world abandoned polygamy and adopted monogamy
as a norm during the height of Western power and influence basically, they
saw the stability benefits of having a monogamy-based society and followed
suit.
Society has also evolved in a such a way that there are few-to-no
consequences towards sexual promiscuity. In most developed nations its
certainly not illegal, and for the most part it is practiced with varying levels of
discretion among all social classes.
Our theory? These opposing behaviors are rooted in biology, and modern
society has simply adapted to accommodate both of them.
Once we understand that theres a biological cause for why men like to stare
at a womans cleavage, or why people fall in and out of love, a couple of things
happen:
We stop feeling guilt/shame/bad about it, because its something thats
happening at a biological level.
We can learn how to set boundaries and expectations within our
relationships to reduce the drama and emotional swings.
Put together, these two things lead to increased productivity.

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are complicated. There are an infinite variety of relationships out

there, and they all impact your productivity in different ways. As its not viable
to look at every single variation, here are some overarching concepts that will
be helpful:
There are many, many different types of relationship out there, and all
can help or hamper your productivity in different ways, so be aware of

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that.
None is inherently better than another, and its up to you (and your goals
in life) to decide which is best for you.
No relationship of any kind completes you as a person, or brings about
a dramatic change in life circumstance that fixes everything. A lot of
people look at a relationship as a magic pill that will help them achieve
their goals overnights (especially people getting married). This is simply
not true. The only way to get to your goals faster is by setting them
properly, and then taking measurable action towards them.

PICKING THE RIGHT PARTNER

If there is one thing you should take away from this chapter, it is the
importance of picking the right partner FOR YOU, and understanding how
the right/wrong person, can make or break your productivity.
Most people get into relationships too quickly. This is because of a number of
reasons:
Theres social pressure from a peer group, family or society. For example,
a lot of young people end up in relationships with someone before they
even know anything about them. Ever wake up the morning after with
someone asking can I be your girlfriend? True story.
Lots of people are more enamored with the idea of being in a relationship
rather than the actual relationship itself. Also known as serial
monogamy.
Biology. Our brains are wired to seek out new partners, and to bond with
potential partners. The socially-acceptable way to do that, is to start a
relationship with them.
Why is picking the right partner so important? To quote Napoleon Hill:
WRONG SELECTION OF A MATE IN MARRIAGE. This is a most common cause of failure.
The relationship of marriage brings people intimately into contact. Unless this relationship is
harmonious, failure is likely to follow. Moreover, it will be a form of failure that is marked by
misery and unhappiness, destroying all signs of AMBITION.

Basically, not picking the right partner is a huge waste of time and resources
down the line both in terms of productivity and in terms of a potentially

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messy breakup (lets not even start on divorce).
The simple solution to this is to pick the right partner which is easier said
than done of course. The only fool-proof way (no matter what online dating
sites tell you) is to test drive before buying.
To borrow an analogy from buying a car: in order to find the perfect car, you
need to test drive many cars beforehand.
The unfortunate reality is, most people never get around to seeing what they
really want and value in a partner, because they dont have enough experience
with a variety of men/women.
It is crucially important to have relationships (and we use the term loosely)
with many different people in order to understand who your emotional
matches and sexual matches are. Every time you go through a relationship,
you get one step closer to working out what it is you want in a potential
partner. Its probably not what most people want to hear, but you need to
experience both good and bad relationships to know the difference between
them.
There are two other factors at play in this process of test driving potential
partners: the timeframe (no one wants to spend 50 years looking for the
one), and standards.
Realistically, you dont have the time to meet everyone on the planet and
find the perfect match for yourself. How long it takes before you really know
someone depends on a number of factors including proximity, frequency of
contact, shared social group etc but a good shorthand would be:
In todays world, 3-4 months. Especially if under social pressure or
constraints.
In an ideal world, 2-3 years. People change over time.
The one hitch in the process of test driving and picking the right partner, is
standards. The reason why standards are problematic is biological: everyone
wants the best partner that they can get. Men want more attractive women,
and women typically want their ideal man, and no one wants to settle.
The real-world action step from this is simple: be realistic with your

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standards. Statistically speaking, you are not going to find the 100% perfect
person for you unless youre extremely, extremely lucky. And it should be
obvious that it is physically impossible for you to meet every single person on
the planet.
A better strategy is this: aim for 80% compatibility, and grow together from
there.

FOR MEN: DONT FALL INTO PLAYBOY MODEL SYNDROME

Most men select women based largely on looks. Weve discussed the
biological roots of this before, and this is only reinforced by the availability
of media and pornography. The women who appear in pornography and in
advertising are essentially the top 10% of the female population in terms
of physical attractiveness (and lets not get into what makeup, lighting and
Photoshop can do). In turn, more and more men today find average or plain
jane-looking women unattractive.
The female response to this is a larger number of women dressing
sluttier and more in-line with the expectations set by pornography and
advertisements.
The solution for men is this:
Remember that most women are not: 1) domestic goddesses in the
kitchen, 2) savvy socialites at corporate events for the PR firm they own,
and 3) pornstar extraordinaires in the bedroom, all at the same time.

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They may become all these things over the course of a relationship, but
dont expect them up front 80% is good enough.
Remember that makeup, lighting and art direction has a HUGE effect on
how a woman looks and appears keep this in mind the next time youre
watching television or pornography.

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FOR WOMEN: DONT FALL INTO THE BRADLEY COOPER EFFECT

A lot of modern women have a 125-something point checklist when theyre

searching for the one. Its important to understand where this checklist
comes from.

Exhibit A

Without a doubt, that is one good-looking man. In films, he happens to play

characters who are also:
Smart.
Intelligent.
Sophisticated.
Funny.
Charming.
Just the right amount of self-deprecating.
Sensitive and the list goes on.

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Much in the same way that pornography has created an unrealistic measure
of womens appearances for men, Bradley Cooper (and other similar imagery)
have created an unrealistic measure of mens attributes for women.
Women, biologically being the more valuable gender, get to set the ground
rules for when and where sex and relationships happens. Men in turn, will adapt
to whatever women are demanding from the sexual marketplace. Combine this
with that 125-something point checklist, and the male response is to do one of
two things:
Focus in on that niche of women who respond favorably to whatever
attribute they happen to have (height, hair color, ethnicity, career status
etc). You only have to spend one night at an expat bar in Bangkok to see
this response in full force.
Focus on developing traits that women find universally attractive in men
social dominance and social skills.
The solution for women is this:
Remember that 80% is good enough.
Dont make your checklist too long.

RELATIONSHIP EFFECTS

Its worth repeating at this point what we mentioned above in the section on
relationships: finding a compatible partner, no matter how wonderful, will not
complete or dramatically change your life.
Having a partner however, will have carry-on effects in your life, not least
with your levels of productivity and motivation.
Here are some different things that tend to happen:
If you find someone youre truly happy with in the beginning you will
be happy, motivated, and have an abundance of energy to do amazing
things. Also, being in a relationship with someone youre happy with
gives you the time and energy to focus on other parts of your life. Over
time however, you tend to become less motivated and less productive.
Why? Because youve fulfilled a biological imperative, and your brain is
essentially saying youre done. Sad, but true.

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If you feel like youve settled for what you can get, you wont be happy,
and you may even find yourself more motivated to improve the rest of
your life to find a better partner.
If you have a strong mission in life outside of your partner (regardless of
if youre happy or if youve settled), youll stay motivated and productive.
A strong mission in life trumps any effects a partner has on you.

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IN CLOSING
This chapter is our attempt to simplify what is a very complex set of ideas and
concepts about sex, relationships and productivity. We hope that it has given
you a lot to think about, and that some of the higher-level ideas help shed
some light on the behaviors of people around you, and why human beings do
the things they do.
On the action-oriented side of things, here is what you need to be doing to
handle this area of your life, and use it to boost your productivity and help
you, rather than hamper you:
1. Stop masturbating.
2. Stop watching pornography.
3. Keep having sex.
4. Identify your mission in life and channel any attention, arousal or feelings
towards it.
5. Get a crush.
6. If youre woman, embrace your femininity. If youre man, embrace your
masculinity.
7. Understand that there are a variety of relationships out there, and they
help and hamper you in different ways.
8. Pick the right partner, using realistic standards.

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