WP Revision Matrix

Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

(WP1, thesis) The

Z said that I needed
(added after the
By adding this
design of a Kelloggs more of a specific, sentence in column 1) sentence, I create a
cereal box uses
driving thesis
Cereal boxes that are
much clearer
different rhetorical
statement. He
intended for children
argument to shape
appeals based on the wanted me to clarify
utilize strong
the rest of my paper
age of the customer what Im specifically emotional and visual around. I specifically
that the company is arguing (the kids vs.
appeals vibrant
address the kids vs.
attempting to sell that
adults audience
colors, cartoon
adults audience
particular cereal to.
factor), as well as
mascots, the promise
factor so that the
elaborate on the
of free toys inside
reader is aware that
specific rhetorical
while cereal boxes
thats an important
appeals and
that are intended for
aspect of the
conventions that Ill
adults are adorned
argument that Im
be analyzing later in
with facts and
trying to make.
the paper.
nutritional
Outlining the
information in order specific conventions
to appeal to the logic
and rhetorical
of the buyer.
strategies
immediately gives
the reader an idea of
what to expect in my
paper and shows that
I have significant
points to make right
off the bat. Overall,
making my thesis
more specific
increases the
arguability of my
claim and ups the
ante of my
argument.
(WP1, topic sentence,
paragraph 3) When
you compare the

Z wanted me to
elaborate on the
word similar; in

When you compare

the Froot Loops box
and the Frosted

By making my topic
sentence more
specific, I clearly

Froot Loops box and

the Frosted Flakes
box, theyre actually
quite similar.

what ways are the

cereal boxes alike?

(WP1, topic sentence,

Z mentioned that I
paragraph 6) The
never really
Special K cereal box
explained that
is similar in some
Special K is an adultaspects.
oriented cereal.

Flakes box, theyre

actually quite similar;
their bold colors
initially catch the eye
of shoppers and their
enticing promises of
toys and games close
the purchase.

outline what I plan

on analyzing in the
rest of the paragraph.
This not only makes
my paper easier to
follow, but gives the
reader an idea of the
specific ideas that
are significant to that
paragraph and my
argument as a whole.
That way, the reader
will pay close
attention to the
points that Im trying
to communicate and
read with more
awareness overall.

Special K, on the
other hand, is a lowfat cereal thats
primarily advertised
toward adults due to
its nutritional value.
Because its geared
toward a mature,
health-conscious
audience, the design
of the box places
more of an emphasis
on appealing to the
logos and ethos of the
buyer by directly
advertising nutritional
facts about the cereal.

Although Z didnt
make any specific
comments about the
quality of this topic
sentence (other than
that I should
elaborate on the
word aspects,
which I no longer
need to do because I
completely removed
that idea from my
paper), I decided to
change the topic
sentence altogether
because the bulk of
paragraph 6 focuses
on the box appealing
to the logos and
ethos of the buyer.
My old topic
sentence was
misleading and
didnt adequately
introduce the main
points that I analyzed
in that paragraph.

This new topic

sentence not only
gives a brief
explanation as to
why Special K is an
adult-oriented cereal,
but also explains
how Special K
appeals to the logos
of the buyer so that
the reader knows
what Ill be focusing
on in the rest of the
paragraph.
(WP1, second
Z questioned why I
(added after the
By incorporating one
sentence, paragraph
never mention
sentence in column 1) of our course terms
4) For example, the visual rhetoric, one This is visual rhetoric
into my analysis, I
main focus of the
of our course terms,
in play; instead of
boost my own
Frosted Flakes box is
in my analysis (he
using words, the
credibility in the
Tony the Tiger, the
actually made this
company uses the
eyes of my readers.
cartoon mascot of
comment on another
colorful image of
In other words, it
Frosted Flakes. Kids
sentence in my
Tony the Tiger to
makes me sound like
love cartoons, so the
paper, but I thought
persuade children to
I know what Im
illustration is likely to
that I could
buy the cereal. Tony
talking about and it
immediately catch
incorporate it here
looks extremely
lets the readers know
their attention.
instead).
happy holding his
that my argument is
bowl of Frosted
based on real
Flakes...
concepts. In addition,
visual rhetoric
perfectly describes
how cereal box
companies persuade
children. I also made
sure to incorporate a
brief definition of the
term in order to
benefit readers who
are unfamiliar with
what visual rhetoric
is.
(WP1, topic sentence,
paragraph 7) With
this thought in mind,
the back of the box

Z didnt make a
comment about this
topic sentence, but I
didnt feel like it

The Special K box is

not immune to the
emotions of adults,
however; the box

Like the other topic

sentences that I
rewrote, being more
specific provides a

displays a picture of a
real woman; shes
smiling and looking
confident in her
clothes.

truly introduced the

main idea of the
paragraph in a
concise and
informative way.

exploits the common

desire to lose weight
and eat a balanced
diet that is shared by
many adults.

sense of focus for the

rest of the paragraph.
In my new topic
sentence, I address
the last part of my
thesis the desire to
be healthy thats
shared by adults
and clearly explain
that Ill be touching
on the emotional
appeals made by the
Special K box. By
making the reader
aware of the main
points that are to
come, theyre able to
focus their attention
on the important
aspects of that
paragraph and read
with more
awareness.

(WP1, paragraph 5)
Appealing to the
emotions of a child is
likely to be more
successful than
attempting to use
logic.

Z didnt make any

comments on this
paragraph. This was
an editing choice that
I decided to make on
my own.

I completely deleted
the entire paragraph.

While this decision

was primarily
motivated by the fact
that I was half a page
over the length limit
and didnt want to
feel the wrath of Z, I
decided that this
paragraph wasnt
completely necessary
to my overall
argument. Every
other paragraph in
my essay talks about
my ideas from a
positive standpoint;
kids LIKE color,
kids LIKE emotion,
adults LIKE nutrition
facts. This was the
only paragraph
where I went into

specific detail about

kids NOT liking
something data and
statistics and I felt
like it was
interrupting the flow
of my entire paper.
In addition, I felt like
the claims that I
made in that
paragraph werent
incredibly well
supported. In all
honesty, it felt like
the paragraph was a
lot of leftover
thoughts thrown
together and it
wasnt doing much
to support my overall
argument.
(WP1, topic sentence,
paragraph 4)
Children, who are not
yet emotionally
mature, are also
heavily swayed by
emotional appeals.

Z didnt comment on Children, who are not

Since I didnt feel
this topic sentence,
yet emotionally
like I needed to make
but I didnt feel like
mature, are also
a lot of changes to
it was as specific as heavily swayed by the the overall structure
it could have been.
images on the boxes
and analysis of my
that appeal to their
essay, I really wanted
emotions.
to focus on making
my topic sentences
as specific as
possible. In this case,
the main point of the
paragraph is the
cartoon mascots on
the boxes, which is a
detail that I had
completely left out
of my original topic
sentence. By being
more specific, I give
the reader an idea of
the information thats
going to be presented
in the body
paragraph so that

theyre able to pay

attention to the main
points that Im trying
to make.
(WP2 thesis) Despite
being written from
different scientific
disciplines, researchbased articles
focusing on the wide
range of effects that
hyperhidrosis has on
individuals display a
striking similarity to
one another in genre,
conventions, format,
and moves; therefore,
they are effective in
communicating their
research to a similar
audience of welleducated scientists
and physicians.
Meanwhile, informal
magazine articles on
the same topic can
differ significantly
from their scholarly
counterparts by
utilizing a simpler
structure and readerfriendly conventions
and moves, magazine
articles cater to a
much broader
audience of everyday
people.

Z said that my thesis

could be more
specific. He wanted
me to mention the
specific moves and
conventions that I
plan on addressing in
my paper, as well as
what these moves
and conventions DO
for the audience. In
addition, he wanted
me to address WHY
my argument
matters. When we
did the peer review,
Justice also
mentioned that he
wasnt sure what my
specific argument
was and asked how
the various articles
relate to one another.

Despite being written

By making the
from different
concept of
scientific disciplines, credibility a main
research-based
part of my thesis, I
articles focusing on
give my whole essay
the wide range of
a clear, concrete idea
effects that
to focus on. This
hyperhidrosis has on way, I have a central
individuals display a
concept that I can
striking similarity to support by analyzing
one another in
the conventions and
structure,
moves of each piece.
conventions, and
In addition, the
moves that focus on
audience is the main
presenting
reason WHY
information clearly; scholarly articles and
therefore, they
magazine articles
maintain a high level
differ so much;
of credibility that
because they are
allows them to
geared toward
communicate their
different groups of
research to an
people, they utilize
audience of welldifferent conventions
educated scientists
and moves in order
and physicians.
to maintain a certain
Meanwhile, informal
level of credibility.
magazine articles on
In my new thesis, I
the same topic differ
tried to explain the
significantly from
relationship between
their scholarly
audience and
counterparts while
credibility in a way
still maintaining an
that gives the rest of
appropriate level of
my paper a concrete
credibility for their
path to follow. While
audience; magazine
I decided not to
articles utilize readerclarify the specific
friendly conventions
conventions and
and moves that focus moves that I analyze
on appealing to the
later in the paper (the
emotions of everyday
thesis is already
people in order to
pretty wordy), I tried

make them feel more

comfortable with an
embarrassing topic.

(WP2, paragraph 2)
Z asked if the claims
Since I bumped
While the side effects
that I made in this
audience up to
of hyperhidrosis that
paragraph were
thesis-level
an individual may
worth noting. He also importance, I decided
experience...
said that some of my to refocus this entire
statements were too
paragraph the
vague and that I
audience of each
needed to back up
article.
my claims with
evidence.

(WP2, paragraph 3)

Z challenged me to

I decided to split this

to address the So
what? Who cares?
question in order to
raise the stakes of
my argument. By
saying WHAT the
conventions and
moves do for the
audience of each
piece, I give my
entire essay more
purpose.
The old paragraph
felt like a lot of
vague, leftover ideas
thrown together.
However, I still
needed a way to
introduce the author
and title of each
article, so I couldnt
delete the paragraph
altogether. Since I
mention audience in
my thesis statement,
I decided to clearly
state the intended
audience for each
article in this
paragraph. At the end
of the paragraph, I
state why the
audience is important
in terms of
credibility, which is
the other part of my
thesis statement.
This not only relates
the two main aspects
of my argument, but
also serves as a
transition into the
rest of my paper.
By splitting one

Although the
scholarly articles that
have been written
about hyperhidrosis
are from very
different
disciplines

cut this paragraph in

paragraph into two
disorganized
half. He said that I
paragraphs in order to paragraph into two
was wasting space on
focus each on a
focused paragraphs, I
vague, general stuff
single, specific idea.
was able to separate
instead of getting
Also, I completely got my ideas in a clear,
into the specifics. In rid of the charts and organized way. Each
addition, he said that
graphs comment
new paragraph only
my transition into
because it no longer
focuses on one,
discussing the
supported my new
central idea. The first
citations in the article thesis statement and it paragraph analyzes
was super abrupt and
was pretty vague to the appeal to logos in
suggested making the
begin with.
the scholarly articles
topic of ethos its
and how it
own paragraph.
contributes to the
credibility of the
articles overall. The
second paragraph
analyzes the citations
made in scholarly
articles. Each
paragraph has its
own, central idea that
relates back to my
thesis statement
instead of being a
hectic, disorganized
paragraph whose
only unifying factor
is conventions.
This revision makes
my paper much
clearer and easier to
follow.

(WP2, paragraph 6)
While IMRAD is a
common structure for
research-based
articles

Z made a few
comments on this
paragraph, but I went
in a different
direction with my
revision.

I completely deleted
the entire paragraph.

As Z knows, I went
way over the length
limit for this paper. I
believe that this was
because I didnt have
a central, unifying

argument. I was
analyzing
conventions and
moves for the sake of
meeting the
requirements of the
prompt instead of
trying to support a
claim. Therefore, this
paragraph was pretty
unnecessary. I went
into detail about the
structure of the
scholarly articles
because I was able to
relate the format
back to the concept
of credibility, but I
could find no
connection between
credibility and the
structure of the
magazine article.
Since the paragraph
was unnecessary and
I needed to make
some deletions
anyway, I decided
that my paper was
better off without it.
(WP2, paragraph 7)
Gross and
Zackrisson, authors
of the psychologybased and
physiology-based
articles respectively,
use many of the same
moves throughout

Z asked why the

moves that I
analyzed were worth
noting.

I deleted the
Acronym
Abbreviator and the
Skimmers Lucky
Day moves.

Again, I found
myself analyzing
moves just for the
sake of following the
prompt. These
moves had nothing
to do with a solid,
central argument.
When I decided to

their articles...

Overall structure of
WP2:
1. Intro
2. Genre
3. Scholarly article
conventions
4. Magazine article
conventions
5. Scholarly article
structure and format
6. Magazine article
structure and format
7. Scholarly article
moves
8. Magazine article
moves
9. Conclusion

make my WP2 about

audience and
credibility, I realized
that these two moves
didnt really
contribute to my
argument or support
my claims. Again,
since I needed to
make some deletions
to shorten my paper
anyway, I decided
that they werent
necessary to my
overall argument. I
kept the Trust Me,
Im a Doctor move
because I felt like I
could analyze it in a
way that supported
my central argument.
Z felt like my paper
was jumping around
a lot from topic to
topic. Since my
paper did not meet
expectations in the
organization/structur
e category, it was
definitely something
that I wanted to fix.

Overall structure of
WP2:
1. Intro
2. Audience
3. Scholarly article
appeal to logos
4. Scholarly article
appeal to ethos
5. Scholarly article
structure and format
6. Scholarly article
moves
7. Magazine article
appeal to pathos
8. Magazine article
tone
9. Magazine article
credibility

This new structure

makes my paper
much more
organized and easier
to follow. Before, I
tried to organize my
paper by classroom
concepts
(conventions,
structure, moves),
which resulted in a
disorganized mess
that jumped around
from topic to topic.
My new structure
organized my paper
by source in order to
keep the focus of the

10. Conclusion

paper on one article

at a time. In addition,
I made each
paragraph more
specific so that each
had a single, central
idea that would
relate back to the
thesis statement.
This is much easier
for the reader to
follow than a broad
paragraph called
conventions that
contains a lot of
unrelated evidence
thrown together.

(WP2, paragraph 8) Zs comments on this I grouped together the I noticed that the first
Because of its
paragraph were
first two moves
two moves have to
difference in audience positive (yay!) but I
(Parenthesis Pro
do with the
and purpose,
felt like I could split
and Ha-Haconversational and
Harringtons article in
up the paragraph.
Hyperbole) into a
informal tone of the
Womens Health uses
single paragraph and article so I decided to
significantly different
gave Show Me Your
put them in a
moves...
PhD its own
paragraph together
paragraph.
that focuses on the
tone and how it
contributes to the
overall credibility of
the magazine article.
While the third move
still has to do with
credibility, its more
of a direct appeal to
the ethos of readers
through the use of
secondary evidence.
Since it doesnt have
to do with tone, I

decided it needed its

own paragraph. This
was to ensure that
each paragraph has a
single, specific point
that relates back to
the thesis. Having
too many main
points per paragraph
creates a hectic,
disorganized paper
thats difficult for the
reader to follow.
(WP2, paragraph 4)
As Mike Bunn
explains in his article
How to Read Like a
Writer...

Z made some
comments on this
paragraph, but I took
my revisions in a
different direction.

Like some of the

Like Ive said before,
other paragraphs, I
the organization of
decided to break this
my old draft was
up into several
complete shit.
shorter, specific
Before, the entire
paragraphs. One
paragraph was made
paragraph is about
up of conventions
visual/emotional
of magazine
appeal, one paragraph
articles. This is
is about the
incredibly broad. I
conversational tone,
realized that its not
and one paragraph is
against the rules to
about the
have several
incorporation of
paragraphs dedicated
secondary sources.
to the conventions of
magazine articles. In
fact, its much easier
for the reader to
follow if theres one
main idea per
paragraph.
Therefore, I decided
to split this long
paragraph into
several shorter
paragraphs. In

addition, I realized
that some of the
magazine articles
moves that I
originally analyzed
in paragraph 8 go
hand-in-hand with
the conventions that
I described. Because
of this, I did some
hardcore rearranging
of ideas and created
three new paragraphs
that each have a
single, concrete
point. Each point is
supported by both
conventions AND
moves because I
decided to organize
my paragraphs by
idea instead of by
classroom
concepts.
(WP2, first and last
sentence, paragraph
5) Although Dirk
argues that genre
[used] to refer
primarily to form,
which meant that
writing in a particular
genre was seen as
simply a matter of
filling in the blank
(Navigating Genres
251), this fill-in-theblank format still
applies to some of the

Z said that my topic

sentence felt abrupt
and out of place. In
addition, he asked
why I decided to
include this
information where I
did.

(new first and last

sentence) Scholarly
articles, including
Gross and
Zackrissons, often
follow a template-like
structure referred to
as IMRAD
(Introduction,
Methods, Results,
Analysis, Discussion)
in order to present
their research
logically and
credibly

First, I wrote a new

topic sentence that is
a better reflection of
the specific content
of that paragraph. I
also made sure to
include buzzwords
that relate the topic
of the paragraph (the
format of scholarly
articles) back to my
central argument
about credibility. In
addition, I shortened
the paragraph a little

more rigid genres

This format is an
effective convention
of research articles,
especially when the
results are being
presented to other
scientists; the reader,
who has likely
conducted numerous
experiments of their
own, is able to follow
along with the
authors process in an
order that is already
familiar to them.

bit because it
This format is an
contained a lot of
effective convention
unnecessary and
of research articles,
superfluous
especially when the
information that was
results are being
contributing to my
presented to other
length issues. Also, I
scientists; by allowing
added some
the reader to
buzzwords to the
chronologically
final sentence of the
follow the steps of the paragraph in order to
experiment and see
summarize my main
how the researchers
points and relate
obtained their results,
them back to my
the articles appear
thesis statement.
authoritative and
credible.
(I also took some
sentences out of the
middle of the
paragraph in order to
shorten it a bit.)