REVISION MATRIX

WP 1
Text from my initial WP
submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received from
De Piero or a classmate:

The change(s) I made

to what I initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

Students in every college,

and most high schools in
America have received a
syllabus

If you're placing a comma

here, you need another
comma somewhere else in
this sentence. (I need you
to find that out so it has a
greater chance of
"sticking.")

What if I told you that

My change makes the
one sheet of paper could opening sentence easier
determine whether or not to read
you graduate college? I
wouldnt actually be too
far off. Students in
almost every college and
high school in America
have received a
syllabus.

Therefore, if students
analyze a syllabus and learn
the conventions along with
their purposes, they can set
themselves up for the best
chance at success.

Cool paper and solid

thesis, Pike! To take it up
to the next level, I need
you to get more specific.
What conventions, exactly,
do they need to learn?

Therefore, if students
analyze a syllabus and
learn how to utilize the
conventions such as font
emphasis, layout, and
format, they can see that
Dr. Bruices syllabus
gives them the best
chance at success

Other important concerns

they have

This is subtle, but I think

it's worth point out: you've
changed the perspective
from the beginning of the
paragraph to here. You
started off by referencing
the author's viewpoint, and
now you're referencing the
reader's (ie, college
students).

The readers of this genre I fixed my perspective

issue by clearly
also have other
transitioning to the
concerns...

I think I stepped up my
argument by claiming
that Bruices syllabus
sets the student up for
success the best.
(Ranking the syllabi was
in a later comment I also
got!)
I got more specific too
with my conventions by
giving examples.

readers from the authors,

instead of just saying
they and hoping the
audience understands.
This helps the clarity and

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the flow of my paper!

I was talking about bolded

headings, then about
different dates and times
and boxed information.
Basically just too much shit
for one paragraph

You're tossing a lot of

useful information into this
paragraph, Pike, but I'm
wondering a bit what your
main focus is -- it just
seems to be about...
"syllabus stuff."

I made a short paragraph

about bolded headings
and why they were
important, then went into
another paragraph about
bolded dates/times and
boxed information.

I think this makes my

paper easier to read and
follow. My points are
made more clearly
instead of just throwing it
all against a wall and
seeing what sticks.

As stated previously, a college

students goal is ultimately to
earn an A.

I'd like you to find a way to

find a crisper topic
sentence, Pike -- one that
specifically identifies the
focus of this paragraph.

Since many courses in

chemistry are not graded
in a straightforward
manner, and often each
professor has their own
unique method for
grading, professors must
write clear and
informative sections on
grading in their syllabi
so that their students can
have the best chance at
succeeding.

I introduced what I went

on to talk about, gave a
reason why Im
discussing it, AND relate
it back to my thesis. I
also answer so what?
Who cares? By putting
the so that their
students at the end :)

Since this information is

extremely important to a
students goal, they often are
curious about things

This may be a personal pet

peeve of mine, but Id like
to advise you to steer clear
of things in academic
writing (maybe even all
writing!). Its suuuuuuper
vague. Academic writing
requires precision and
specificitybe direct and
tell me exactly what youre
talking about. Pick the 1
word that really captures
the idea(s) that you want to

Since this information is

extremely important to a
students goal, questions
often arise such as if the
course will be graded on
a curve, if their lowest
exam score will be
dropped, or if there is a
predetermined grading
distribution.

I throw out things (I

agree its super vague
and kinda dumb
sounding) and instead
replace it with questions
which is more specific in
telling exactly what the
students have.

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get across.

Dr. Bruice puts a lot of detail

into the grading portion of
her syllabus, and it ends up
being the largest section

OK, cool! Now we're onto

the juicy stuff!
How/why does this fit into
your main argument? (Or
does it?)
I don't want you to scrap it
-- it's super-interesting
When there are
differences, there's
tension, and when there's
tension, there's a juicy
argument waiting to be
made... but I think you
need to find a way to
clearly integrate this to the
scope of your paper (or
vice versa!).

Most effectively of the

three, Dr. Bruice puts the
most detail into the
grading portion of her
syllabus, and it ends up
being the largest section
so that it is clear to the
student that this topic is
important to their
success.

First I made this into a

new paragraph (this isnt
on the matrix but I made
a scary page long
paragraph and I broke it
up by introducing the
next topic, then breaking
off into this paragraph
and following it with the
other examples of
paragraphs), then I
ranked it by calling it the
most effective, then I
added a so what who
cares? little thing on the
end!

My paper was 6 pages long

:,(

I see that you went over

the page limit, Pike.
If/when you scrap
something for the portfolio
version, I think that this
calendar analysis might be
something you could
whittle down -- personally, I
didn't think it was that
interesting or essential for
your argument in
comparison to everything
else.

I narrowed my paper
down to a little over 4
pages

I did scrap the calendar

anaylsis and cut my
paper down, which puts it
within the page limit. I
also focused my body
paragraphs more on my
argument.

Since these syllabi are

usually handed out on
paper, most professors like
Dr. Price and Dr. Bruice
keep the syllabus to one
page printed on the front and
back. Dr. Zhangs syllabus is
three pages long, which

Ah ha! You could be on to

an interesting analysis of
the affordances and
constraints of these syllabi
-- and looking at what's
possible in old-school
paper versions and online
ones.

Getting to a bigger
picture, the layout of a
syllabus is also
important. Since most
syllabi are usually
handed out on paper,
effective professors like
Dr. Price and Dr. Bruice

I talked more about the

advantages of choosing
this format, then I went
on in the next paragraph
presenting the counter
arguments (and reasons
why its wrong) of
emailing and verbally

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leads the reader to believe
that this syllabus was
distributed primarily online.

In general, I didnt reference

the course reader very much

keep the syllabus to one telling the students about

page printed on the front the course
and back. There are a lot
of benefits to this length
and the primary
advantage is being able
to distribute the syllabus
on one sheet of paper.
The purpose of keeping
a syllabus to one page is
so students have less to
keep track of, and so
that all of the information
is easily and effectively
provided on one sheet of
paper. With multiple
sheets of paper, the
student may lose one,
and then have to come
to the professor for
questions that could
have been answered by
the lost sheet.

I dont think I mentioned

this, but I also think that
you can make some more
use of the course readings
and the ideas within them
as springboards for even
more analysis . Still,
though, nice work! :)

WP 2

I added a couple more

quotes about exigence
at the end of one of my
paragraphs from
Carrolls piece
Backpacks vs
Briefcases.

I think this adds a little bit

more credibility to my
paper, along with a little
more depth since Im
bringing in another thing
to back up my point
about writing a reader
friendly syllabus.

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The public believes that
MDMA takes ice cream
scoops out of your brain
and instantly addicts its
users.

I like the imagery here, but

I'm not sure what you man.

The public believes that

MDMA instantly addicts its
users and that using it is
like taking ice cream
scoops out of your brain in
terms of the damage they
perceive it does

I cleaned up my simile
here and made it a little
easier to understand. I
think this give a better
hook to my paper and
also gives some
background into the
misguided beliefs held
about MDMA

The first academic article I

analyzed was a psychology
empirical journal article
titled, A Method Of
Conducting Therapeutic
Sessions with MDMA by
principle researchers
George R. Greer, M.D.,
and Requa Tolbert, M.S.N.
Alana R. Pentney takes a
biological and a historic
look at MDMA and MDA
through the past hundred
years in An Exploration of
the History and
Controversies Surrounding
MDMA and MDA which is a
pharmacological journal
article. Lastly, I chose a
health news article from
United Kingdom online
news source, The
Independent. Kashmira
Gander discusses how
MDMA Researchers [that
are] Testing How Drugs
Can Be Used To Treat
Mental Illness Raise
$22,000

Its tough to tell when this

sentence ends. (Don't you
think? Give it another read
from the viewpoint of someone
who isn't named Kaitlyn Pike.)
Also, is it necessary to bring in
their first names and titles?

The first academic article I

analyzed was a psychology
empirical journal article titled,
A Method Of Conducting
Therapeutic Sessions with
MDMA by principle
researchers Greer and Tolbert.
In another academic article,
Pentney takes a look at
MDMA and MDA through
the past hundred years in An
Exploration of the History
and Controversies
Surrounding MDMA and
MDA. Lastly, I chose a health
news article from United
Kingdom online news source,
The Independent. Gander, the
author, discusses how
MDMA researchers raised
$22,000 in order to test how
MDMA can be used to treat
mental illness.

This little paragraph was

terrible looking back on
it!!! So, I fixed a few
things. First I eliminated
the first names and titles,
I originally thought the
titles would bring some
authority to my paper, but
instead they just clogged
it all up. Then I threw in a
transition In another
academic article to
break up the two
titles/authors names.
Lastly I scrapped the
health news articles title
and instead went for a
short description, which is
actually much more clear
than the original title.

Initially, I just kind of ranted

for a bit about different
organizational things
without actually having a
clear point or motive

OK, so question for you: is

this paragraph about "how
IMRAD is used -- or isn't -across all 3 pieces" or is it
about "IMRAD in the Greer
piece"??

I changed my paragraph to
be about how Greer and
Tolberts organizational
move of following IMRAD
was the most effective of
the three, and about how it
gives an educated image

This makes my paragraph

here make so much more
sense, which is great
considering its my first
real analysis of the paper.
It helps me start off
stronger and sets up a

AND
I'm confused... is this all one
sentence or two? Whose piece
is whose?
ANDDDD
I'm very confused now... did
you analyze 3 different
disciplines?

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That's a big difference.
to the paper.
Whatever the answer is, you
can make it clear by stating
it in the topic sentence.
(That's why topic sentences
are so crucial.)

good idea for what Im

going to talk about the
rest of the paper.

Letting the reader know of

every detail of the
development and execution
of this new psychotherapy
method allows others to
regenerate the experiment
to prove its validity, which
is essential for an article to
be respected by those in
the academic field.

In reference to the
experiment....
What was it?

Letting the reader know of

every detail of the
development and execution of
this new psychotherapy
method allows others to
regenerate the circumstances
and procedures surrounding
the therapy session to prove
its validity, which is essential
for an article to be respected
by those in the academic
field.

I clarified the experiment

as a therapy sessions
with specific surrounding
circumstances and
procedures. This makes
my point more clear to the
reader, since they are not
as informed on the
experiment as I am and
may need some extra
details to understand my
point.

They concede that some other

treatment options may work
(to varying degrees of
success) in place of the
medication and were generally
safer, then go on to state that
all concerned parties agreed
that the possible benefits
outweighed the risks. (Greer
& Tolbert)

Steph let me know that this

sentence was a little
confusing at first read, and
she wasnt sure exactly
when I was talking about the
alternative treatments or the
MDMA.

They concede that some other

treatment options may work
(to varying degrees of
success) in place of the
MDMA and are generally
safer, before then going on to
state that all concerned parties
in their experimental therapy
session agreed that the
possible benefits of MDMA
outweighed the risks. (Greer
& Tolbert)

The few small changes I

made help make this
sentence more clear and
allow the reader to
understand my analysis
better

To varying degrees of
success, the authors all
use the move in their
pieces to present their
viewpoints on a polarizing
subject in the most
effective way for their
respective disciplines

1, I need more specifics

here. What moves?
What's successful? What's
unsuccessful? Why?

Through its disciplinespecific organizational

move of following an
IMRAD structure, and by a
simplification move that it
shares with the other
academic article, Greer and
Tolberts empirical article is
proven as the strongest, most
effective way to present new
research into MDMA.

I addressed 1 by adding
the two specific moves I
explored. I then claimed
that Greer and Tolbert
had the strongest
approach to presenting
new research into MDMA,
which gives the reader a
clear idea of what Im
going to try to prove to
them throughout my
paper.

2, They use moves to

varying degrees of
success... OK... so what?
Why is that important?
~~> How can you raise the
stakes of this argument?

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