Jasmine Li

May 9, 2016
Writing 2
De Piero
WP2: 4AM Thoughts
Many college students find themselves restlessly staring at the ceiling above them each
night. What stops them from obtaining a proper night of sleep is known as insomnia. In Causes
and Consequences of Sleepiness Among College Students and Insomnia Significantly Affects
the School Performance of College Students, these two scholarly articles describe the causes
and effects of college insomnia. In Insomnia Cures for Teenagers Who Cant Sleep, a nonacademic text, it explains insomnia through a different point of view and offers a solution.
Although these two studies speak on the same topic, they approach the subject of insomnia in
different manners. The academic articles both work towards educating their audience on the

Comment [1]: You haven't mentioned anything about

the (different) points of view yet, Jasmine. Worth
mentioning, briefly, what their different perspectives
are?
Comment [2]: You mentioned 3 pieces so far.

scientific basis of insomnia while the non-academic piece provides useful solutions to this issue
in a more casual manner.
The genre of scientific articles serves the purpose of teaching the audience. In order to
achieve this purpose, it uses different rhetorical features and conventions. To understand rhetoric
is to be informed and understand how it affects us personally. (Carroll 46) Detail is used in
order to be specific and allow for extensive learning. A form of detail can be seen through the
use of data in, 50% of college students compared to 36% of adolescents and adults. At least 3
days a week, 60% of students report that they are dragging, tired, or sleepy. (Hershner and

Comment [3]: Jasmine, you did a decent job of

addressing the "so what, who cares?" questions -- nice
job. That said, I need more direction here.
*How* do they educate people? *How* does the other
piece offer solutions? *What makes it* casual?
Getting into specifics early on will help me follow you
with more purpose as I read.
Comment [4]: You sure about this? If so, what do you
mean?
Comment [5]: Which ones? This is a super-broad claim.
Comment [6]: personally (Carroll 46).
Comment [7]: It's not thaaaat important (but now you
should get this right every time here on out). :)
Comment [8]: I don't know what you mean here.

Cherrin) This use of detail allows the reader to know the exact information as well as credible

Comment [9]: Tell me more about this data. What is it,

exactly? How does it compare to the other pieces?

data.

Comment [10]: Can you work in a transition from the

previous paragraph (and the ideas in it) to this
paragraph (and the ideas in it)?

The diction used in scientific articles is very difficult. It is precise, clear-cut, and at times
even hard to understand. Since it is directed at a knowledgeable audience, it includes scientific

Put another way: why place this paragraph *here*?

How/why does it build off of the last one?
Dropping that kind of language/explanation into your
sentence here could help me see how the parts fit
together -- that is, how your argument is unfolding.

words that the uneducated mind may not be able to comprehend. For example, jargon words such
as cognitive behavioral therapy and circadian rhythms are words that the average teenager
may not recognize and therefore may need to look up the definition to fully understand the
article. The reason behind the diction is to allow for advance knowledge and further educate the
reader in all scientific aspects.
All three texts use rhetorical devices but the two scientific articles use ethos and logos.
Ethos, the credibility of the rhetoric which can be a person or an organization (Carroll 54),
can be seen when they credit different sources such as the American Academy of Sleep

Comment [11]: Two thoughts:

1, Can you extend this thought further? (Just using
"big words" helps advance knowledge?)
2, Does this relate back to your central argument/
Comment [12]: This is important, but *only if* it's this a
central part of your argument?

Medicine and National Institutes of Health. Using these credations create a stronger argument
since the argument is now backed up by important sources. Logos, argument from reason,
usually appeals to an audiences intellectual side (Carroll 52), is also commonly used, as seen
through use of data and facts such as The typical adult circadian period is 24.1 hours, compared
to an adolescents circadian period of 24.27 hours; this longer period makes it easier for the
bedtime to shift later (Hersher and Cherrin) This creates the effect of credibility and a strong

Comment [13]: How/why is this evidence of logos?

argument backed up by sources, data, and facts.

Comment [14]: Can you go a step further, past "they

use statistics"? What *kinds* of stats?

On the other hand, the genre of a Tumblr post serves to both broadly educate and present
a causal solution. Although the two texts share the topic of college insomnia, the content is
extremely different from each other. The diction of this non-academic article is extremely casual.

How do these different folks attempt to understand

insomnia in different ways??? What do they find
important??
Comment [15]: You analyzed a Tumblr post? Sounds
super-cool, but this is the first time I'm hearing about
it...

This is because it is written for people to read in their spare time. The audience can determine
the type of language used, formality of the discourse, and medium or delivery of the rhetoric.
(Carroll 49) Since it is being read in a casual atmosphere, it should not require extensive
thinking. It uses common vocabulary such as annoying and ticky to create a very

Comment [16]: Id advise you to refrain from using freefloating quotes (ie, sentences that start and end with a
quote). The reader is probably going to be left
wondering, Who is saying/citing this, and how/why is it
relevant? Wheres it coming from? Try to introduce
the quote and give it context.

conversational tone. The common vocabulary and conversational tone used create an informal
surrounding which explains the choice of wording.
Since the article is read in a casual atmosphere, it requires a hook or some kind of
introduction to interest the reader and allow them to continue reading. In this case, the
introduction used is, Sleeplessness is just a rest condition by which youve difficulty falling
asleep or difficulty remaining asleep through the evening. The author chose to use a definition
to begin their article and hopefully attract the reader. Another rhetoric feature used is imagery as
seen in, cozy atmosphere and avoid annoying breezes that slip under doorways or available
windows that allow in summer time warmth. The imagery and jargon used is descriptive and
paints a picture for the reader which furthers the casual tone.
The Tumblr post creates its argument mainly through the use of pathos, an appeal to
emotion to revoke an emotional response in the reader. (Carroll 53), unlike the scientific articles
that use ethos and logos. It uses pathos to establish how insomnia feels using the words worry,
restlessness, and frustration. The author puts the reader in the shoes of a college student going
through insomnia and allows them to understand the difficulty and struggle. It aims to allow the
reader to feel something and from there, goes on to explain insomnia better and finally the
solution. This rhetoric feature is used to both attract the readers attention and create the informal
feeling that comes with non-academic articles especially as seen in Tumblr posts.
The purpose of each type of article is extremely different to each other. The academic and
non-academic articles use different moves in order to achieve their purpose. The academic
articles purpose is to educate while the non-academic articles purpose is to create something
that is easily readable and enjoyable. The authors in the academic articles use moves such as
keyword titles, bullet points, and organization. Before each paragraph there are always 3-8 word

Comment [17]: How do the ideas in the two

sentences/paragraphs relate to one another? How are
they connected??

titles that describe what the paragraph is going to be about. This allows the educated audience to
be able to find exactly what they are looking for quickly and efficiently. The bullet points allow
for straightforward reading that provide easy access to facts and data research. The article is
organized in sections that are separated by lines, the important words are italicized and bolded.
All of these moves serve the purpose of educating the reader. It allows the reader to find the
information they are looking for efficiently so they do not waste time reading facts they are not
looking for.
The Tumblr post is casual and does not require extensive thinking compared to the
scientific article. The author uses move such as color, creative fonts, and short paragraphs. The
color in the text catch the audience attention since this post is most likely stumbled upon instead
of looked up like the academic text is. There is also a creative font to create a laid back mood.

Comment [18]: OK, but why is this significant? Why are

you telling me this?

The paragraphs are short compared to the scientific text because there is not as much detail
required and each paragraph is short and to the point. All these moves assist in the casual and
educational purpose of the Tumblr text which is what the audience expects to find since they are
usually reading this in their free time.
The evidence used between the two genres also differ. The evidence used in the scientific
text is mainly using data as seen through different percentages, numbers, and graphs. It is

Comment [19]: Evidence is super-important, but I'm

wondering why you're bring this up now/here -- right
after the paragraph that you were analyzing the Tumblr
piece's format/design.

extremely specific as seen through, Daytime sleepiness, sleep deprivation, and irregular sleep
schedules are highly prevalent among college students, as 50% report daytime sleepiness and
70% attain insufficient sleep This evidence is facts that further the knowledge of the reader. In
comparison, the evidence used in the Tumblr texts is personal experience and opinions. It does
not include facts but says, group work is stressful for myself and many as well. This is a

Comment [20]: Do different pieces target different areas

of knowledge?

different type of evidence that shows the reader a different point of view compared to data and
facts used in scientific articles.
The audience expectations of a Tumblr post are entertainment and easy to understanding
while the audience of the academic articles may want to learn and gain knowledge. Both articles
are written to fulfill the expectations of the reader so it makes sense that the authors used the
moves that they did in order to accomplish the purpose they set out to achieve.
The scholarly articles are constructed by ideas. Each paragraph begins with the topic
written in bold. This allows the reader to understand fully what they are about to read. For
example, it begins with introduction, then goes into more detail about the topic of college
insomnia. The author in the academic articles use many definitions and often explain each
important word they introduce to the reader while the author of the Tumblr post has no need to
do this since there is no word that needs to be defined since the diction is conversational and
understandable. These two articles also are different in how much time they took. It is obvious
that the scholarly articles took a lot of time of research while the Tumblr post was written on the
spot. A lot more thought and consideration went into the scholarly article compared to the
Tumblr post. This is because of the different purpose and audience. The length also distinguishes
the articles from each other. The scholarly articles were pages and pages about the topic while
the Tumblr post was short and sweet. They were both to the point but served a different point of
view. The scholarly articles serve to multiple questions while the Tumblr post serves to answer
one specific question. Although these articles are about the same topic, the way they are carried
out is completely different.
These articles both accomplish something different. The non-academic pieces provide
information that everyone can understand, being easy to read yet still informational. It educates

Comment [21]: I think you're jumping around a bit/lot

here, Jasmine. How do all these ideas fit together?

the general public and allows everyone to gain knowledge no matter their background in the
subject. The scholarly articles, although aimed at a professional audience, presents more detailed
and specific information such as data and percentages. It allows for extensive knowledge on the
subject and after fully reading the article, the reader will very qualified in explaining the subject
in both technical and overall terms. The audience may find the scholarly articles more persuasive
since there is more sources and facts used to back them up. But the nonacademic article may also
be persuasive since it pulls at more personal strings and really allows the reader to understand
what it feel like to have insomnia in college through the authors personal experience and
opinions.
The limitations of the scholarly article are that it is not allowed to use opinions and
personal experiences that the non-academic articles are allowed to use. But vice versa, the nonacademic articles are not limited to, but usually do not use resources to back up their point. The
nonacademic article is focused around personal opinions while the scholarly article revolves
around different sources and facts.
Overall these articles are effective in their own purpose. The scholarly articles fulfill the
purpose of education and awareness while the nonacademic accomplishes the purpose of
entertainment and overall information. Although the two types of texts contain the same topic of
college insomnia, their purpose sets them apart in their choice of rhetorical features, conventions,
moves, and construction.
Works Cited
Hershner, Shelley D., and Ronald D. Chervin. "Causes and Consequences of Sleepiness among College
Students." Nature and Science of Sleep. Dove Medical Press, 23 June 2014. Web. 12 May 2016.

Comment [22]: I think you touched upon this already

"Insomnia Cures For Teenagers Who Can't Sleep." Insomnia Cures For Teenagers Who Can't Sleep.
N.p., 11 Dec. 2012. Web. 12 May 2016.
McCann, Kathleen. "AASM News Archive." AASM. American Academy of Sleep Medicine, 9 June
2008. Web. 12 May 2016.

Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP2

Table of Textual Features and Qualities

Thesis Statement

Did Not Meet

Met

Exceeded

Expectations

Expectations

Expectations

Use of Textual Evidence from

Genres
Use of Course Readings

X/X-

Analysis

Organization/Structure

Attention to Genre/Conventions

and Rhetorical Factors

Attention to Moves
Exploration of Disciplinarity

X
X-

Sentence-level Clarity,

Mechanics, Flow

Comments and Grade

Jasmine,

You brought in a lot of interesting information into this piece, and Im glad you didnt shy away
from using textual evidence. My #1 piece of advice is: find a more cohesive argument and tie the
pieces more tightly together. Think long and hard about how all of this adds up and, most
importantly, why it matters. Its gotta all be relevant though: dont just lay down any/every sort of
information you can -- pick your points.

My other main piece of advice, which is equally as the one, above, is this: I think you really need to
give your organization and paragraph-by-paragraph structure more thought. As a reader, I felt like I
was jumping around quite often, from what seemed like a (sometimes) random idea, and then onto a
paragraph that analyzed something completely different. I never knew where I was going. So heres
what I want you to consider here on out in your writing (beyond this course too): what are some
ways, plural, that you could construct your paper/argument? Then, once youve got options (plural
again!), choose which one you think makes the most sense for you AND for the reader.

Z
7/10