Major Essay Revision - Rahul Hosdurg

a.

Directions:
i.
Examine and revise based on feedback your essay for our most
recent unit, Navigating Disillusionment.
ii. Complete a revision of your claim and one body paragraph based on
feedback. Your revision should respond to the feedback given. (So, if
your topic sentences were great and your analysis was lacking, leave
the TS and revise quotation analysis.)
iii.
Include original copy and revised copy in your Portfolio--for ease
of reading, please limit it to just the claim and body paragraph of each
copy. Highlight the revised copy, indicating the areas where you
focused your revisions (highlighting can be digital).
iv. Write a paragraph in which you reflect upon the process of revising
this portion of the essay.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Claim: Tim OBrien and J.D Salinger portray the idea of the negative effect trauma has on
navigating disillusionment as the characters isolate themselves from the world after a traumatic
event; the authors depict this in order to show that 3 one will never be truly successful in
overcoming the scars suffered from a traumatic experience.
Original Copy: In Tim O'Brien's text, The Things They Carried, protagonist Jimmy Cross
encounters the traumatic loss of his close friend, Ted Lavender, which is a result of Cross being
disillusioned throughout the text. Ted Lavender is the member of a military group stationed in
Vietnam, and due to Cross negligence, his close friend Ted Lavender ends up being killed. Cross
blames himself for the death of Lavender because Cross was in love with a woman back in the
United States who did not really love him back, thus causing him to be disillusioned. When
another member of the group explains how Lavender died, Ted takes us through the story saying,
..while Kiowa explained how Lavender died, Lieutenant Cross found himself trembling. He
tried not to cry...he felt shame he hated himself. (Klay, 47) Salinger here takes the time to
dive into the specifics of how Cross reacted when given the news of how Lavender died. Saying
that he was trembling alludes to the traumatic effect which had been put on Cross, Furthermore,
the phrase tried not to cry shows that Cross emotions are running high. When it says he felt
shame this is important because not often do people accept blame for something they might
have done. Also, the use of the word trembling is to indicate Jimmys initial reaction to the
news, which displays the traumatic effect that was bestowed upon him. Both authors show the
coping mechanisms that both protagonists attempted to use throughout the text, however these
prove ineffective.

Revised Copy: In Tim O'Brien's text, The Things They Carried, protagonist Jimmy Cross
encounters the traumatic loss of his close friend, Ted Lavender, which is a result of Cross being
disillusioned throughout the text. Cross is a member of a military group stationed in Vietnam,
and due to his negligence, his close friend Ted Lavender ends up being killed. Cross blames
himself for the death of Lavender because Cross was in love with a woman back in the United
States who did not really love him back, thus causing him to be disillusioned. When another
member of the group explains how Lavender died, Ted takes the reader through the story saying,
..while Kiowa explained how Lavender died, Lieutenant Cross found himself trembling. He
tried not to cry...he felt shame he hated himself. (OBrien, 47). OBrien here takes the time
explain to the reader the specifics of how Cross reacted when given the news of how Lavender
died. When OBrien says that Cross was trembling, this alludes to the traumatic effect which had
been put on Cross. Furthermore, the phrase tried not to cry shows that Cross emotions are
running high and he might not have any control over his actions.. When it says he felt shame,
this is important because not often do people accept blame for something they might have done.
Usually, most people try to deflect the blame onto another person but here, Cross decides to
accept the fact that Lavender died as a result of his own failures. Also, the word trembling is
used to indicate Cross initial reaction to the news, which displays the traumatic effect that was
bestowed upon him. The disillusionment that Cross suffers in the story is the fact that he believed
that the woman from the United States loved him back, when in reality she did not. This of
course ended up resulting in the death of Lavender. Both authors show the coping mechanisms
that both protagonists attempted to use throughout the text, however these prove ineffective.
Reflection on Revision Process:
Overall, I feel that the aspect that I edited the most in this paragraph was my analysis in
connecting the quote back to the claim stated originally in the introduction. I felt that my analysis
was very strong in connection to the trauma suffered by the death of Lavender, but looking back
on the original paragraph, I felt that I did not talk enough about the disillusionment that the
trauma had caused. I also felt that the wording and language use in the original paragraph was a
bit out of sorts and did not flow smoothly when the paragraph was ready. For example, in the
original paragraph I said OBrien here takes the time to dive into the specifics of how Cross
reacted when given the news of how Lavender died. THe use of the words takes time to dive
into the specifics I felt the language choice there was a bit too casual, so I revised that portion of
the paragraph to say OBrien here takes the time explain to the reader the specifics of how
Cross reacted when given the news of how Lavender died, which I felt was more formal and
appropriate to the audience. Another minor thing I also revised from my original paragraph was
small grammar errors here and there. Over the course of the year I have come to realize how
important language use and word choice is when writing a paragraph as it can make your writing
seem very sophisticated or flat out awful. One major thing that I took away from this revision
process is that I have to spend more time on reading my paragraphs out loud and determining if
the language and words I have used flow smoothly and is appropriate for the audience. Looking

at the future I will definitely be spending more time on revisions and reading my paragraphs out
loud multiple times in order to ensure the highest quality of writing is being delivered to the
audience.