Justice Dumlao

Writing 2
WP1
April 18, 2016
Candidate Statements
It is about that time of year again! No not the holiday season, but rather a time
that is probably equally as crazy and exciting: election season. Election season is always

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:29 AM

Comment: Can you think of a more
captivating title, Justice? One that both
previews the scope of your paper (what it's
about) and gets the reader revved up
about reading it?

a very fast paced and exhilarating time because every candidate for every position is
campaigning as much as they possibly can for your votes, which means that there is a lot
of campaign materials coming at you from nearly every direction. One of the ways that
these candidates get their faces and platforms out there are the candidate statements.
These candidate statements can be considered as their own textual genre because they
have specific conventions and rhetoric features.
In a candidate statement there is usually a generalized greeting that will address the
audience in a way that somehow establishes a relationshipfor example Fellow
students, Fellow Gauchos, Hi Friends!, and many more. Next they will introduce
themselves, what they are running for and some extra information about themselves and
why that relates to what they are running for. This portion of the statement is where
candidates can get personal and relate to audience hopefully appealing to their pathos-or emotional appeal, appeals to an audience's needs, values, and emotional sensibilities
(Weida). Soon after that will come a list of past accomplishments which serves as a
credibility/qualification list. This section is usually formatted in a way that is very simple

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:32 AM

Comment: I need more of a specific,
driving thesis statement, Justice. What,
exactly, *about candidate statements* are
you going to be arguing here? And what
specific points are you going to use to
make that case? What conventions within
this genre will you be emphasizing? Also:
do you think itd help your reader
(technically, me) to lay out which
specific sources youll be using to make
your case?
Right now, it sounds like your paper is just
going to describe what candidate
statements are -- if you want a
thesis/argument that targets the "so what?
who cares?" questions, you'll need to go a
step beyond.

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:32 AM

Comment: Why no indentation?
Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:36 AM
Comment: I don't want hypothetical
examples here, Justice - I want *actual*
examples. Are these what the
examples/sources that you analyzed say?
(And what are your source/examples?)
Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:37 AM
Comment: OK, so you've got some
different ideas swirling around this
paragraph. How do they all connect?
What do they have in common? Why did
you put them in the same paragraph?
Whatever the reason is, you might want to
consider putting that in your topic
sentence -- that way, your reader has a
keen overview of what to anticipate in the
paragraph.

and allows the reader to look at it quickly and gather all the information without having
to dig for it, this might mean;
bullet points,
1. numbered information,
or just multiple separated paragraphs that make it very obvious that there is a separate
group of information that is important to read. That information is aimed to appeal to the
readers ethos--or the ethical appeal is based on the character, credibility, or reliability of
the writer (Weida).-- making the candidate seem more reliable and qualified for their
position. This is then followed by the same type of formatting, but this time it is
comprised of the candidates future goals and/or their specific platform. This is quite self

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:41 AM

Comment: OK, so how does this relate to
your examples? Do they adhere to this?
Do the candidate statements' do it in
different ways?

explanatory as this is what readers want to know as these are (hopefully) the types of
things that this candidate will be doing in office once they get elected. These types of
goals can simeltaneously appeal to the readers pathos (because issues are often very
personal and emotional to people) and logos--or the appeal to reason relies on logic or
reason (Weida). Lastly they will end with a phrase that leaves the reader feeling
empowered in one way or another, something that relates to their party, and/or a reminder

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:42 AM

Comment: You've mentioned this a few
times -- whenever you spot a recurring
thread like this, ask yourself if it's a part of
your whole/overall argument. If so, you
might want to consider incorporating it in
your thesis statement and, then, more
explicitly throughout your paper.

to vote for them in the elections.

Those qualities are what make up an effective candidate statementenabling the
reader to be less ignorant about the political world around them thus becoming a more

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:42 AM

Comment: What do you mean by "those"
here? What qualities?

informed voter. In order to analyze these conventions in action and how they can be used
to educate readers

about political happenings we will look at three

different statements from three different positions running for election here at UCSB.

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:43 AM

Comment: Ah ha! This sounds cool and
very neat.
However, the end of page 2 (of a 4 to 5page paper) is suuuuper late to be
introducing your sources. Remember:
your sources *are* your textual data -they're what your whole argument
depends on.

First we will look at Marjan Kris Abubos candidate statement for the position of
Letters and Science Senator to see how well he efficently he uses his writing techniques.
Marjan starts us off with a nice Peace, something that is definitely less common for a
greeting but definitely still effective because of the positive connotation that peace has.
In the world of politics peace is something people usually enjoy hearing, so starting off
with it primes the reader to think more positively. Then he gets right into it and tells us
his name in all caps because that is what you want your reader to remember so that
they can vote for youand puts his major and the position he is running for. All of that is
just information for the reader, it does not serve a greater purpose other than that.
However, he also includes a pop culture reference about finding Frank Ocean (a huge
crisis that the modern world has been facing) which is humorous and allows the reader to
see Marjan not only as a politician, but also a relatable college thus appealing to the
readers pathos. He then briefly talks about some of the work he has done and why that

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:47 AM

Comment: What techniques? And how
does this relate back to your main
argument/ thesis statement?
Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:38 AM
Comment: This comment is in reference
to the whole paragraph:
When I see thiseven before I start
readingI think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack of the
page-long paragraph!
See if you like this metaphor:
Pretend your whole paper is a big, juicy
steak. Do you want your reader to enjoy
that steak in easy-to-chew, digestable
bites? Or do you want them to start
gnawing away at whole thing in one piece
(think: zombie).
Paragraphs are like those bites. Give
your reader your argument in little,
digestable, one-idea-at-a-time bits.
Readers need to be able to see the
different parts/pieces/bites of the argument
that theyre chewing on.

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:47 AM

Comment: What do you mean by this?
Isn't everything "for the reader"?

Advocate, serves on the Board of Directors for United States Student Association, and

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:49 AM

Comment: I'm noticing that you're doing
a lot of "first, and then, and next..." -- is
this relevant to your argument? Does your
major point in this paper depend on
analyzing each structural piece-by-piece
"move" of candidate statements?

many more. These serve to appeal to the readers ethos, Marjan is trying establish a sense

It could, but it wasn't clear to me that it

was necessary.

of credibility between himself and the reader. Then as stated earlier he lists his past

If that's not important/essential to your

argument, then you might want to consider
pointing out the most important features
that back up your claims first (instead of
whatever appears within the source firsT).

makes him want to do advocate for students as a senator such as; Co-Chair for Student
Commission on Racial Equality, Community Organizer for the Office of the Student

accomplishments in a format that is fairly easy-to-read by offsetting it from the text and
using dashes to indicate each different item he has done. While doing so he also
capitalizes specific words that embellish his past accomplishments and highlight what he
cares about most. This is just another way for him to show-off himself more. This same
formatting is replicated again, yet this time it is comprised of goals for his term as a

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:49 AM

Comment: Is he doing this more than the
other candidates? Is this something you
could weave into your argument?

senator, again with the capitalized words that indicate what he will be focusing on. This
part aims not only to tell the reader what he will (hopefully) be working on in the future,
but also to inform the reader on the things that might be problems at our university. Some
of the things he mentions are providing more mental health resources, creating an Office
of Sustainability and Environment, and pushing for free/open-source textbooks. These
things were easy to find because of his special aforementioned formatting. Finally he
brings it all home with a reminder to vote for him and he includes some more colloquial
language with the use of YO to once again add some humor to his statement and create
a more personal relationship with the reader.
Now we will analyze Stevan Abdalmaliks External Vice President of Statewide
affairs (EVPSA) candidate statement looking for the same types of things we did in
Marjans. In this statement a more traditional greeting of Fellow Students was used as
to, once again, bring the reader closer to the author and break down any divisions
between him and the reader. His first paragraph does a great job of empowering the
reader to feel passionate about what he also finds passionate, he does not however

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:53 AM

Comment: This may be a personal pet
peeve of mine, but Id like to advise you to
steer clear of things in academic writing
(maybe even all writing!). Its suuuuuuper
vague. Academic writing requires
precision and specificitybe direct and tell
me exactly what youre talking about. Pick
the 1 word that really captures the idea(s)
that you want to get across.
Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:40 AM
Comment: Ahhhh! Attack Part 2!
Justice, I only know how I (Zack) read, but
I imagine that others feel the same way:
encountering a page-long paragraph is
*really* overwhelming. The best writing
takes readers into account -- consider how
your reader will be receiving/perceiving
your work.

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:54 AM

Comment: Can you compare this to the
other candidates? The more differences
you point out, the more I (your reader) can
see how the parts fit together.

include his name. This is a huge flaw because while his message his very strong and
relatable the reader does not yet have a name to associate with this message. Also in the
first paragraph he uses a hashtag, another reference to pop culture, yet again in attempt to
break down the seriousness of the statement as to not make it so pedestrian. Like Marjan,
Stevan also takes advantage of tactical capitalization to highlight points that he finds to
be more important for the reader, for example the sentence; So I say enough! Its TIME
FOR ACTION. He then continues to list some of his past accomplishments, again in a
very easy-to-read way--through the use of dashes-- while also employing strategic

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:56 AM

Comment: I see that you've mentioned
this a few times -- is this really important?
(Compared to everything else there is to
observe/write about?) If so, why?

capitalization this time with words like, EMPOWERING VOTERS and ONLY
CANDIDATE. In his past accomplishments he includes things that relate to his
(hopeful) position as EVPSA thus to create a history of accomplishment and reliability,
before listing the things he wants to accomplish in the future. He talks about lobbying
politicans in various places and co-authoring the bill in which our current elections
system is now in. He also mentions that he is the only qualified candidate, here he is
attempting to create a divide between him and the other candidates because it is important

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:56 AM

Comment: Based on what? Tell me
more!

to stand out as a candidate in an election. When he lists the things he wants to accomplish
as EVPSA he seems very confident as he says, As EVPSA instead of if I am EVPSA
showing the reader that he possess the confidence necessary for the position. This choice
of words also acts to prime the reader and put them in a future which Stevan is the next
EVPSA. Next we see the use of easy-to-read format, again, that shows the reader what is
important. This time we see the use of numbered points, this could be evident of a
ranking system in which Stevan prioritizes what he aims to accomplish as EVPSA. It can
also be reminiscent of a to-do list conveying the idea that he will get things done. Finally
Stevan ends off with a call to action, with action being to vote for Stevan for EVPSA,
which he uses a hashtag to convey #IBelieveInStevan, because he knows that his
audience his extremely likely to use a form of social media which includes hashtags and
is a great way to get your name out there. Stevan has given the reader a way to campaign
for him which is a very smart tactic, and he has obviously taken into account who is
audince is and used that to his advantage.
Now we have got the head honcho, the (maybe) soon-to-be president herself:
Alejandra Melgoza and her candidate statement. Just like Stevan, Alejandra also uses the

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:57 AM

Comment: Do the other candidates do
this at all? How is this unique, and why is
it "very smart"?
Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:44 AM
Comment: Justice, Im wondering if your
paper would benefit from re-structuring the
organization. Instead of
-Source #1
-Source #2
-Source #3
Could your paper/argument unfold a more
integrated/interwoven way if you did
something like:\
-Idea #1 (and then incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)?

Fellow Students greeting and just like Marjan Alejandra states her name, major and
position she is running for. Except for one small detail, in stating the position she is
running for she says I am ready, like Stevan she also employs this sense of confidence
in her ability to take on this position. However, unlike the first two examples Alejandra
tells us her past accomplishments in short paragraph form giving us more details about
what she did in those positions, As an Off-Campus Senator, Ive committed myself to
making improvements in Isla Vista Ive helped bridge police relations, addressed
tenant rights and housing issues, and engaged students on discussions about Isla Vista
self-governance. These little paragraphs help show more indepth of what she has done.
She then has a paragraph dedicated to showing how she can relate to students thus
appealing to the pathos of the readers, Ive struggled to pay rent and find a place to live,
had to choose between meals and textbooks, given up studying for midterms to work
overtime, and when life got too rough had to stand in line for hours just to get an
appointment at CAPS. As student who has STRUGGLED through the system time and
time again, Ive remained afloat in order to fight on your behalf and ensure YOU have
access to the resources YOU need. She says this because it relates directly to what is
coming next: what she wants to accomplish as president. As she lists the things she wants
to accomplish as president she too utilizes the capitalization of certain words to highlight
her passions. To wrap it all up she leaves us with a simple reminder to Vote Alejandra
for President, the simplicity of this is in contrast to how passionate her statement was
and in-a-way makes it stand out because of that reason.
By analyzing these statements we can see that there are clearly similarities that
are held between each and every statement, such as the use of a generally positve and

Zack De Piero 4/25/16 8:50 AM

Comment: I'm not reading beyond this,
Justice -- 4 to 5-page limit!

welcoming greeting, stating their name and position running for, some form of listing
past accomplishments, some form of goals for the future, thus indicating that candidate
statements are their own genres. Furthermore we can see that these statements should
employ certain techniques in order to be the most effective for thier audience, like how
Marjan used an interesting and unique greeting, how Stevan was able to create an
incredibly sense of credibility that was unique to him, and how Alejandra was able to
appeal to the readers pathos in nearly every section. This further shows us that genres do
indeed have a skeleton that gives us a basic structure, but the real meat and substance
of a genre can come from the author themselves and how they choose to use that
skeleton.

Works Cited
"Elections Supplement." AS Elections. University of California Santa Barbara, n.d. Web.
19 Apr.
2016.
Weida, Stacey, and Karl Stolley. "Welcome to the Purdue OWL." Purdue OWL:
Establishing
Arguments. Purdue University, 11 Mar. 2013. Web. 18 Apr. 2016.

Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features
Did Not Meet
Expectations
Thesis Statement

Use of Textual
Evidence from
Genres
Use of Course
Readings

Analysis
Organization/Structur
e

Met
Expectations

Attention to
Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical
Factors

Sentence-level
Clarity, Mechanics,

Exceeded
Expectations

Flow

Other Comments

Justice,
You picked a very outside-thebox and local/here at UCSB
genre -- great job on that front.
I think the #1 biggest issue of
your paper is: what is your
argument? You pointed out a lot
of (sometimes random) stuff -OK, how does it all fit together?
What does it all point to? What
can you say/claim/argue when
you look at all of these
individual pieces? What does it
all add up to?
Once you have the scope of
your argument in place, then the
rest of your paper can begin to
fall in place. Also, please
remember that textual evidence
(from your sources) is crucial -research-based arguments are
won with data/evidence. Also,
Id like to see you make more
use of multiple course readings
as ways to explore the ideas in
your paper.
Z
6.5/10