suggestion. Please examine 10-20 changes that youve made in substantial depth.

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation, piece
of evidence, etc.)

Researchers in the
field of Global

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s]
I made to column
1)

How this change

impacts my
paper:

What data? What are

they collecting and
analyzing?

The essay includes

The inclusion of
what the data
includes I think
helps me
communicate with
the reader how the
form of data is
important when
informing the
reader about a
particular topic, in
this case eating
disorders.

data that is taken

Studies analyze data

from psychologists

that is taken from

and other scientists

psychologists and

to gather

other scientists to

information to find

gather information

patterns within

to find patterns

world trends and to

within world trends.

analyze the rise of

(wp 2)

eating disorders
through numbers
and personal stories

The paragraph

Such as? What social

and cultural aspects?

The

outlines the ways in

paragraph outlines

which social and

the ways in which

cultural aspects are

social and cultural

associated with the

aspects are

emergence of eating

associated with the

The added
information gives
more background
the readers about
what the essay is
about. It also gives
an overview about
what the
information is
connected to, and

disorders.

emergence of eating

(WP2)

disorders. Issues

how it is relevant
to my thesis.

such as the
economic state of
the country, and
perceptions of
beauty standards
made a difference
about how women
viewed themselves
and developed
eating disorders.
The formatting of
the paper uses
different moves to
give an essay style
that is chosen by
the writer to
achieve a desired
outcome whether
it be to inform or
entertain.
(from WP2_

Hmmm... I'm not

totally sure what
you're arguing here,
Beatriz.
The genre's format =
the author's moves?
Some questions to,
hopefully, get you in a
clearer, more specific
direction:
What moves? What
about the format?
What style?
Are they all the same
across the pieces?
Different? How so?
Which one is

The formatting of
each paper uses
different moves to
give an essay style
that is chosen by
the writer to either
inform or
entertain
depending on the
audience. In this
case, the global
studies and
communication
papers cater to
their audiences by
trying to inform
readers about
eating disorders
from the lense of

The change
dramatically
changes the
direction of my
paper. The
additoion of the
argument also
allowed me to see
more clearly how
the other
paragraphs of my
paper connected
to the thesis.

informing? Which one

is entertaining? Why?

their own
discipline, while
the magazine
article presents
the information in
a more
entertaining,
casual way that
the magazine
readers are
accustomed to.

These new terms

Which are??

The italicizing

have a couple of

I don't feel like I'm

learning anything new
about eating disorders
-- just that, they're
formatted in similar
ways.... (so what,
though!)

signals that the term

Get into the data. Dig

into the research
questions? What did
they find? Who can
use this stuff? How?

pay attention to. For

sentences that
identify their
meaning
(WP1)

is important, and
therefore suggests to
the reader what to

example the writers

strategically choose
to italicize when
they introduce drive
for thinness, the
paper informs that,
Drive for thinness. A
strong drive for
thinness was also
posited by

I was so vague in
my original
sentence I did not
even describe
what I was talking
about. I think I
assumed my
reader was
reading the
analytical paper
with me which was
a bad assumption
to make. The
evidence I used I
think reinforces
how the author
introduces new
terms and how
using italics makes
them stand out as
terms of
importance.

Garner(1991) to be
closely related to
disordered eating
(Harrison and
Cantor)
The communication
research paper that I
chose was extremely
detailed. There were
a total of 28 pages
that described both
previous research
and the research that

"I" is OK to use in
formal papers (though
you might want to
check with the prof).
However, this is the
first time you're using
it in THIS paper -- and
we're on p. 5 -- so it's
a little bit distracting.

This communication

My advice is this: if
you feel like you
can/should use I, then
set that expectation
early on in your paper
(i.e., your Intro).

that described both

paper in particular
was extremely
detailed. There were
a total of 28 pages

I changed the Is
so they wouldnt
be distracting. I
chose to do this
instead of
changing the
whole format of
my paper. I think it
added more flow
into the rest of my
paragraph as well.

previous research
and the research that

she was conducting

she was conducting

within the paper. I

within the paper.

think the length of a

The length of the

paper is a move

paper is a move
itself, because the
writer chooses to
give substantial
information to the
reader.

Kylie Jenner

This comment is in
reference to the whole

I just completely
changed the way

I think it made the

whole thing a lot

is a global sensation
that reached fame
from her familys
reality show. She
now endorses
companies, designs
clothes with her
sister, and runs a
lipstick line to
increase her revenue
to continue her
pursuit of a lavish
lifestyle. She has

paragraph:
When I see thiseven
before I start reading
I think, Ahhhhhhh!
Attack of the pagelong paragraph!
See if you like this
metaphor:
Pretend your whole
paper is a big, juicy
steak. Do you want
your reader to enjoy
that steak in easy-tochew, digestable
bites? Or do you want
them to start gnawing
away at whole thing in
one piece (think:
zombie).
Paragraphs are like
those bites. Give
your reader your
argument in little,
digestable, one-ideaat-a-time bits.

over 50 million
followers, and most
of them are teenage
girls. Her target
audience are girls
that are interested in
the extravagant
affairs, and girls that
wish to attain the
same level of fame

Readers need to be
able to see the
different
parts/pieces/bites of
the argument that
theyre chewing on

that I structed my
WP1 as a whole.
After making the
reverse outline I
realized that a lot
of the paragraphs
could be divided
into their own
individual ideas.

more reader
friendly. My ideas
stood out more,
and I was able to
focus my
paragraphs back
to connect to my
thesis.

as her. Her
Instagram posts
often revolve around
her curvy, but
extremely fit figure.
One of Kylies
captions reads, (if)
you know me you
know I love
@fittea Gives you
that extra boost to
stay fit and feel
good (Jenner 1).
The caption is
shaped like it is
giving an inside
scoop to her
followers. She talks
in a friendly tone to
appeal to the pathos
of her readers by
seeming as if shes
giving friendly

advice. The
counteractive
component of the
post though is that
she tags the brand of
fit tea, which is often
associated with
brand endorsement.
Celebrities are paid
to advertise brands
and their way of
doing so is by
tagging the brand so
the reader can view
Fit Teas account.
Another one of her
posts is an
advertisement for
her iPhone app. The
caption reads,
Playing the
KENDALL&KYLI
E game! Find it in

the App Store. Im

so addicted
(Jenner 2). The
caption is once again
a clear endorsement
of her brand. Young
girls and teenagers
want to be doing
what Kylie Jenner is
doing, so if she
claims that she is
addicted with the
game, then they are
going to want to get
the App. The use of
the emoji also
suggests that she is
just like every other
person that uses an
emoji, and it also
adds to the ethos.
Kylies tone is
appropriate to her

audience and gives

the impression that
shes just a normal
teenage girl. As
Carroll mentions,
The tone of the
writing and whether
that tone is
appropriate for the
context helps build a
writers ethos
(Carroll). She wants
to suggest to her
followers that just
because she is a
celebrity it does not
mean that she cannot
use emojis and be
addicted with
playing on her
phone. Kylie is
eighteen years old,
and so are a majority

of her followers, so
she tries to appeal to
the connection that
people that are
similar in age have
with each other. She
wants to use this
connection to
convince her
followers to buy her
new app.
(WP1)

The most followed

users on Instagram
are celebrities.
Celebrities portray
the unattainable,

Any chance you can

try to hook me a bit
more, Beatriz? What's
interesting/exciting
about what you
examined here?
(Ditto for the title -that was a little dry too
in my opinion.)

Have you ever

wondered why
people find
themselves
stalking celebrities

glamourous

through social

lifestyles that beauty

medias such as

magazines have

instagram? Because

been selling to the

I know I have.

public for decades.

(WP1)

I think that my
hook is way more
efficient at
grabbing the
readers attention
now. Before I
didnt really
engage the reader,
but I think with the
new hook they
have an
opportunity to
think about the
topic before I
begin to analyze
the components of
the genre.

The similarities
between all the
different posts

I just noticed I did not

really wrap up my
essay very nicely. I
could definitely go into
more detail.

The similarities
between all the
different posts

connect instagram

connect instagram

posts as a genre. All

posts as a genre. All

of the different posts

of the different posts

I analyzed shifted

I analyzed shifted

their posts based on

their posts based on

their audience. Most

their audience. Most

of the posts served

of the posts served

as advertisements

as advertisements

and ways to market

and ways to market

their appearance as

their appearance as

powerful celebrities.

powerful celebrities.

Nowadays instagram

Nowadays instagram

is a tool for millions

is a tool for millions

to see a context,

to see a context,

therefore it is an

therefore it is an

accessible way to

accessible way to

promote brands.

promote brands.

( Conclusion of

Instagram posts are a

WP1)

source of income for

the celebrities, so

I think the detail

that I included in
the revision of my
conclusion gave
more of a wrap up
to my WP. Before I
just talked about
what I had done,
and the second
version described
more of why this
information is
important to
understand.

even though the

posts themselves
may seem casual it
is really a part of
their job. Companies
and celebrities
depend on each
other to increase
their overall
revenue, so they
focus on the small
details of their
instagram
advertisements.
Most importantly
companies and
celebrities depend
on the fans to fall
into the
advertisement traps
that they set up, so it
is helpful to beware
of the manipulation

from the consumers

point of view.

The magazine article

Ok- is this significant?

The magazine article

is not conducting

is not conducting

any of its own

any of its own

original research.

original research, or

(WP2)

analysis it is just
presenting a glimpse
of a vast topic. It is
simply just stating a
report of what one

The information
was not tied into
my main argument
before. I think my
adding more
analysis to it I was
able to connect it
to my thesis and
reinforce how the
intents of the
articles are
different therefore
their conventions
and information is
going to be
different.

researcher has found

because it is not
trying to inform at
the level that
research papers are
trying to inform.
The Cosmo article
dealt with eating

I needed to change
my conclusion
because I added a
new thesis.

In order to achieve
the ultimate goal of

disorders in a light

informing the two

manner to appeal to

research papers

the readers. In order

molded their papers

I think that the

conclusion is
critically important
because its the
last thing the
reader reads, so it
is most likely the
last thing they are
going to
remember. By

to achieve the

around the data,

ultimate goal of

while the magazine

informing, each of

article appealed to

the papers

the casual reader that

anticipated what was

is interested in

going to more

reading a short

beneficial for their

introduction about

intended reader to

eating disorders.

read. The same topic

Each of the papers

can be transformed

anticipated what was

to different

going to more

disciplines by

beneficial for their

changing the

intended reader to

direction and

read.

conventions used to
describe said topic.
(WP1)

tying my last
couple of
sentences back to
my thesis I add to
the purpose of my
paper and what I
was trying to
inform my readers
about.