CHAIL Parenting Cheat Sheet

Principle One

The purpose of parenting provides a purpose driven parenting profile.

o Parents who do not parent with an agenda may permit children to grow without
successful parenting interventions.
o As stated by Dr. Popkin, author of THE ART OF PARENTING, the purpose of parenting is
to prepare and protect children to survive and thrive in the types of societies in which
they will live.
o Parents are taught how to prepare children through offering opportunities for growth.
They are taught to protect children by offering a contained environment for the child to
explore new experiences within the safe eye of a parent.
o Parents are taught that for the child, and for the parent, survive and thrive is a day to
day balance and the goal of parenting is to accept the child as is for the days where
the child is not thriving. The parent is also encouraged to help the child aim for
developmentally appropriate resiliency.

Principle Two
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The parent is educated on a spectrum of parenting practice ranging from the extreme
doormat parent to the extreme dictator. Parents are encouraged to find a home
base in between the ends of each extreme which we label as active parent.
Parents explore the benefits and drawbacks of each parenting style.
The following illustration is used to explain how the parenting style the parent uses
permits for the parent to prepare and protect.

The small circle demonstrates a dictator who is all controlling and allows little room for
the childs personhood or exploration (growth). This in turn limits room for preparation.
The zig zag line represents a parent who allows two much room for exploration and
places too little limits thus not providing enough protection or preparation
The combined circle indicates that the parent is actively seeking a balance between the
childs autonomy and a nurturing protective stance.

Principle Three
Parents must know how
the brain of a developing
child affects behavior.
The following illustration
is used.

Infants operate from basic need which originates in brain one. As time progresses, the
child develops brain two (in the first year) and then through childhood the childs task is
to develop brain two and brain three.
Meltdowns are different than tantrums. A meltdown is a reversal of functioning to the
first brain. A tantrum is the child using emotions to work through a task which they are
struggling with.
Parents should not attempt to discipline a child while a child is having a meltdown.
Children who are melting are not aware of consequences and do not remember the
incident as favorable. (I.e. some parents may believe soothing a child during a
meltdown will encourage future meltdowns)
The rational brain cannot develop properly if the parent handles all problems of the
child. Parents need to consider development and safety, health, and family values
when considering if they intervene in a childs problems.

Principle Four
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Self care is mandatory. Parents are encouraged to be proactive in practicing self care.

Principle Five
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Communication is key to cooperation

An active parent will teach cooperation. Demanding cooperation is a tactic of a dictator
and hoping for cooperation is a tactic of a doormat. In order for cooperation to occur,
the parent must be respectful of child and actively participate in the teaching process.
Parents are encouraged to practice active communication which is a method of
communication where the parent reflects feelings and meaning to the child rather than
keeping the discussion based on the needs of the parent.

Principle Six
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Problems are helpful to families and to the maturation of children.

Parents are encouraged to work with the child to solve problems that are appropriate
for children.
Parents are encouraged to not parentify children by placing any developmentally
appropriate problems on the children.
Parents are encouraged to consider how their own family system may be carried on to
the next generation if they do not pause to address family based problems.

Principle Seven
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Children develop the third brain (Rational/ Executive) via the preparation that parents
provide. Responsibility is taught through connecting choices to consequences.
There is a difference between punishment and discipline.

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Discipline is about the parent using a moment to help the child learn the connection
between choices and responsibility.
When a parent is offering punishment, it is often about the parents emotion.
Punishment is done with intent of hurting, discipline is done with the intent of teaching/
preparing/ protecting the child.
Examples of punishment include most forms of abuse that occur in the parents
perceived reaction to teaching a child such as non gentle touch or emotional
manipulation.

Principle Eight
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Methods of discipline must be connected to the behavior.

Consequences teach long term correlation of behavior.
A natural consequence is one that occurs without the parent planning the consequence
(i.e. a child who lets her beach ball blow away no longer has a beach ball)
A logical consequence is given by the parent and is closely related to the behavior.
(i.e. a child who refuses to put on sunscreen is not permitted to swim)
We also teach the parent to use:
I messages
Empathy
Firm Reminders
Polite Requests
BANK
FLAC

Principle Nine
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Feelings are still developing in the young child. Children are often unable to express
emotion and need assistance in doing such by a parent who models such. Emotions can
also be overwhelming. Children struggle to understand the temporary nature of
emotions
Feelings are neither good or bad; they are grouped into pleasant or unpleasant.
Teaching children to accept feelings will permit the child to grow into an emotionally
healthy adult
Feelings are sparked by thoughts. Parents are taught the think feel do cycle,
sometimes known as the cognitive triangle. Parents are encouraged to be encouragers
to children so as to install courage which in turn allows for growth and self confidence.

Other Tidbits
Active parents do not use timeouts as punishment. Time out does not teach the child. In some
instances, the child may need a moment to compile their own behavior but forcing a child to sit
exclusionary of the parent is destructive to the bond and does not facilitate behavioral change.

Time-in is a recommended form of discipline. In using this discipline method, the parent and child take a
breath or two to regulate self and then the parent draws the child close to share the experience with the
child and capitalize on the moment as a teaching and bonding moment.