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Let us laugh at ourselves

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A Collection of jokes on
Frailties of Old Age

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[Pick the date]

Dr P VYASAMOORTHY

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 Let us laugh at ourselves
A Collection of jokes on Frailties of Old Age

Compiled by
Dr.P.Vyasamoorthy

Society for Serving Seniors

30, Gruhalakshmi Colony
Secunderabad 500015
 Preface
Ever since Internet was available in India, say from about 1993,
I have been surfing the Net. One of my daily pre-occupations
was to read a joke of some sort or the other to lighten my
mood before getting onto business.

My choice of topics for looking up cartoons, stories, trivia, jokes

and the like changed with times. As I aged into being a senior
citizen, I enjoyed reading quite a bit about weaknesses of
senior citizens: jokes abound our inabilities to hear, move, act,
perform on the bed, digest food, and retain fluid that kidneys
so quickly and frequently produce. We have double vision
without having to resort to hard liquor. Right from wrinkled
skin to rattling teeth, every organ in an oldie offers comic relief.
Laughing at our own follies and frailties is a good way to
appreciate what we have, or don’t have! Hence this collection.

While I can keep you engaged with thousands of funny little

stories, quotes, poems, jokes, witticisms etc, this is just some
quick and dirty, cut and paste hasty job: the prime motivator
for the compilation, honestly, has been the discovery of my
ability to format MsWord files into A5 sized ebooks.

Njoy, if U R used to SMSing!

Dr P Vyasamoorthy
 Dedication

This book is dedicated to all my friends in the Yahoo

discussion group: sss-global. They mean a lot to me. It
is they who keep me active and kicking.
Table of Contents

1. HUSBAND WITH GOOD MEMORY ..................................... 15

2. MATCHING DRESS ................................................................. 15

3. GOOD MEMORY ...................................................................... 15

4. DRIVER ..................................................................................... 16

5. HOW OLD ARE YOU? ............................................................. 17

6. BEFORE YOU MARRY ME ..................................................... 17

7. UPHILL ...................................................................................... 17

8. SECRET OF LONG LIFE.......................................................... 18

9. NEW MARKANDEYA.............................................................. 18

10. DIFFERENCE ......................................................................... 18

11. SOME SHARING .................................................................... 18

12. OLDIES MARRY .................................................................... 19

13. THE HEAD OF HAIRS .......................................................... 19

14. BLANK MIND ........................................................................ 19

15. THE SLAPPING WIFE .......................................................... 19

16. CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES ............................................. 20

17. LONELY LADY ....................................................................... 21

18. GETTING OLD WHEN ......................................................... 22

19. YOU WILL FORGET IT ........................................................ 22

20. OLD MAID'S BURGLAR ...................................................... 24

21. PONDERING OLD AGE ........................................................ 26

22. AN ODE TO OLD AGE .......................................................... 27

23. A FINAL DIAGNOSIS ............................................................ 27

24. A SENIOR CITIZEN ............................................................... 29

25. SHE IS ANGRY AT YOU ....................................................... 30

26. GRANDMA CHANGED ......................................................... 31

27. HOW YOU EARNED IT ........................................................ 31

28. WHEN I BECOME OLD ........................................................ 32

29. SHORT AGE HUMOR ........................................................... 33

30. BATHROOM TROUBLES .................................................... 34

31. EATING SOME PEANUTS ................................................... 35

32. OBITUARY ............................................................................. 36

33. MUTUAL ORGASM ............................................................... 37

34. GRANDMA AND THE NUDIST COLONY ......................... 37

35. STICK IT ................................................................................. 38

36. CRUISIN .................................................................................. 38

37. WALL FLOWERS .................................................................. 39

38. KNOCK ON WOOD ............................................................... 39

39. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.............................................. 40

40. THE VET ................................................................................. 41

41. WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN? ............................................... 42

42. SENIOR MARRIAGE ............................................................. 42

43. HEAVEN, I'M IN HEAVEN ................................................... 43

44. SENIOR MOMENTS .............................................................. 44

45. GRAVITY ................................................................................ 45

46. THE JOY OF SHARING......................................................... 45

47. HEALTHY FOOD ................................................................... 47

48. THE KNOB ............................................................................. 49

49. FLYING BACKWARDS ......................................................... 49

50. THE LIFESAVER ................................................................... 50

51. DEAD TED .............................................................................. 50

52. ANNUAL PHYSICAL ............................................................. 51

53. STANDARDS .......................................................................... 52

54. GRANNY ................................................................................. 52

55. EMPTY HANDED .................................................................. 53

56. OLD FREQUENCIES ............................................................. 54

57. HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION ............................... 55

58. NUDIST CAMP NEWCOMER.............................................. 56

59. LIKE FINE WINE ................................................................... 57

60. FLORIDA SENIORS .............................................................. 58

61. SENIOR MOMENTS .............................................................. 59

62. IN A SMALL TOWN .............................................................. 59

63. HOG WILD ............................................................................. 60

64. DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN............................................. 61

65. THE STAGES OF SUCCESS.................................................. 61

66. STINGY OLD LAWYER ........................................................ 62

67. LOOKING GOOD ................................................................... 63

68. AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT .................................... 63

69. THE RETIREMENT HOME ................................................. 63

70. THE LOVE DRESS ................................................................. 64

71. JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.................................................... 65

72. THE SPEED DEMON ............................................................ 67

73. GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING.............................................. 68

74. BUMPER SNICKERS............................................................. 69

75. GRANDMA'S LETTER: ........................................................ 69

76. GOD'S IMPROVEMENT....................................................... 71

77. EXERCISES FOR SENIORS .................................................. 72

78. TRAILER PARK RETIREMENT, A CHILD'S VIEW ........ 72

79. RETIREMENT, A WIFE'S VIEW ........................................ 74

80. GRIM FAIRY TALE ............................................................... 74

81. REALITY CHECK................................................................... 75

82. GRANDMA'S VISIT............................................................... 76

83. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AGAIN?......................................... 77

84. HARD OF HEARING ............................................................. 77

85. QUOTES FROM ACTUAL INSURANCE CLAIMS ............ 78

86.PET PARROT.......................................................................... 79

87. ROMANCE? ............................................................................ 79

88. HE DIED OF WHAT? DOCTOR'S TRUE STORY. ........... 80

89. HARD OF HEARING ............................................................. 80

90. GEORGE CARLIN SEZ... ....................................................... 81

91. OLD WISDOM ....................................................................... 81

92. WRONG COLOR SUIT .......................................................... 82

98. THREE ELDERLY SISTERS ................................................ 83

99. QUIZ: HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY? .............................. 84

100. AT THE SALON ................................................................... 86

101. OH, THE PITY OF OLD AGE. ........................................... 86

102. WEDDING ANNIVERSARY .............................................. 87

1. Husband with good Memory
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a
grocery store. When she appeared before the judge,
the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied,
"A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had
done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring
any cash to the store." The judge asked how many
peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The
judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days
in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was
about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his
hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said,
"Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said,
"Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
2. Matching dress
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming
dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear
something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm
wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs.
Jones, "I'd better not go."
3. Good Memory
Three old ladies were discussing the trials and
tribulations of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I
catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand
while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't
remember whether I need to put it away or start
making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with,
"Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way
up or on my way down." The third one responded,
"Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock
on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table
and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
4. Driver
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I
must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light." After a few more minutes, they
came to another intersection, and the light was red
again. They went right though it. This time, the
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red and was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on. At the next
intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure
enough, they went right through again. She turned to
the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my, am I driving?"
5. How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I
also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods,
and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
6. Before you marry me
An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on
his knees and told her there were two things he would
like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you
marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his
second question was. He replied, "Will you help me
up?"
7. Uphill
You're over the hill when your back goes out more
than you do.
8. Secret of Long Life
Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you
manage to live so long?" Old man: "Well, son, I got
married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if
we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to
get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted
most by 79 years of fresh air."
9. New Markandeya
"Now, Ms. Lyons," said the doctor, "you say you have
shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant
nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?" "Why,
I'm going to be 39 on my next birthday," the woman
replied indignantly. "Hmmm," muttered the doctor,
"Got a slight loss of memory, too."
10. Difference
Growing older is merely a matter of feeling your corns
rather than feeling your oats.
11. Some Sharing
As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed
something very unusual. The man began to eat his
meal while his wife stared patiently out the window.
"Is there something wrong with your food?" the
waitress asked the lady. "No, the food looks great,"
she replied. "Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if
you wait much longer to eat?" the waitress queried
further. "Oh," the lady replied, "that's all right." "Well
aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked. "I sure
am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my
husband gets through with the teeth."
12. Oldies marry
Little boy: "Did you hear about the 88-year-old man
and the 79-year-old lady that got married last week?"
Little girl: "Did they throw rice at them?" Little boy:
"No, they threw vitamins!"
13. The head of hairs
The older a man gets, the more ways he learns to part
his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they
have around on their head to cover their baldness.
However, as a man gets even older, he realizes there
are basically only three ways to wear his hair--parted,
unparted, and departed.
14. Blank mind
You're getting old when there's no question in your
mind that there's no question in your mind.
15. The slapping wife
An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a
date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had
to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you
mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter
asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I
had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"
16. CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he
leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon
racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted --
the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
17. LONELY LADY
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she
needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest,
except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was
in, he looked and winked at her. He whispered, "I'm
lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry."
The old lady figured "what the heck," she hadn't found
anything else. She brought the frog and put him in the
car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss
me and you wont be sorry".
So the old lady figured "what the heck", and kissed the
frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely
gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince
then kissed the old lady back and guess what the old
lady turned into?
She turned into the first motel she could find!
18. Getting old when
You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt
doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been
anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in
M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the
questions.
19. You will forget it
An 80 year old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to go to their
doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's,
they explained to the doctor about the problems they
were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them
that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and
left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up
from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you
going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write
it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some
strawberries on top. You had better write that down
cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on
top. I know you will forget that so you better write it
down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to
write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes
into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen
and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You
forgot my toast."

20. Old maid's burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

21. Pondering old age

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.
Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed
22. An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
23. A final diagnosis
Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is old age.

24. A Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen...
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a
hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to
where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my
aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to
get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word
you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and
over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not
as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private
care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting,
children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the
Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left
leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
uh...
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it
less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these
days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's,
IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-
noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the
key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time
of my life... Aren't I?
25. She is angry at you
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days
from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs.
Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'"
snickered Timmy.
26. Grandma changed
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
27. How you earned it
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his
money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great
Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire
day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I
sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two
apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold
them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system
for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a
fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million
dollars."

28. When I become old

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my
children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall
draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and
out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And
whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time
to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As
long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never
pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead
for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon
as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking
and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then ..
when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat
my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break
lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with
my children....just the way that they lived with me!
29. Short Age Humor
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
________________________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.
________________________________________
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's
license!
When you are young, you want to be the master of
your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are
older, you will settle for being the master of your
weight and the captain of your bowling team.
30. Bathroom troubles
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement
home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm
seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get
up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate.
They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have
problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I
get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long.
They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety
years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every
morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at
9:00 sharp I wake up."
31. Eating some peanuts
There was an old man whose family could no longer
afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no
sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to
do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old
man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man,
"First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the
conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing
the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons
from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed,
and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the
orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had
passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."
"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better
being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your
peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the
chocolate off of them anyhow."
32. OBITUARY
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
death notice in the paper, but added that he died of
gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered
when a good friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died
of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of
course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big shit he always was
33. MUTUAL ORGASM
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching
the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You
know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'
book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there.
That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your
husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual
orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her
head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
34. GRANDMA AND THE NUDIST COLONY
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current
picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives
in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her
the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another
picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong part, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hair style? It makes makes your nose look
too short."
35. STICK IT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something
funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel,
I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is.
36. CRUISIN
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really
stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat
watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for
days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old
man back to shore with the promise that he would
notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax
from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we
found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We
hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt
was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000
.....please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-
bait the trap"
37. WALL FLOWERS
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall
bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan! They opened the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lived for ten
more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is
held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket
towards the door, the husband cries out: "BE
CAREFUL!!! WATCH THAT DAMN WALL!!!!!!!"
38. KNOCK ON WOOD
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house
together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs
"was I getting in or out of the bath?".
The 74 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up
and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells
"was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door".
39. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple
was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the
officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband
and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did
he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your
license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date
with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked,
"What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
40. THE VET
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the
collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest,
overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me
money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful. How much does he send you?" the
priest asked. "He sends me $2,000 a week," she
replied proudly.
"Your son is very successful," said the priest. "What
does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very
honorable profession," the priest assured her.
"Where does he practice?"
"Well, she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas
City and another in New Orleans."
41. WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know
we've been friends for a long time,but I just can't think
of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know ?
42. SENIOR MARRIAGE
There were two elderly people living in a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a
widow. They had known one another for a number of
years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big
activity center. The two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on, he made a
few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she
answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next
morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she
say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he
just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With
trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as
he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes,
yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she
continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."
43. HEAVEN, I'M IN HEAVEN
Three guys died together in a terrible accident.
Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here: Don't step
on the ducks, as they are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's
almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy
accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St.
Peter with the ugliest woman you've ever seen. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure
enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly
woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes
for months and doesn't step on any ducks. Then one
day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman,
a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He
chains them together and leaves without saying a
word.
The man remarks, "Wow! This is great! I wonder what
I did to deserve this?"
The Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I just
stepped on a duck."
44. SENIOR MOMENTS
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen
were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to
a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... the one that is red and has
thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?"
45. GRAVITY
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
remorsed the patient.
46. THE JOY OF SHARING
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds
that cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and
young couples eating there that night. Some of the
customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell
what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a
couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall
and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front
of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French
fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his
wife took a sip and then set the cup down between
them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger
the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell
what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All
they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young
man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple
to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband
eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to
let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing
everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it
no longer. Again he came over to their table and
offered to buy some food. After being politely refused
again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you
share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?
She answered, "The teeth."
47. HEALTHY FOOD
A 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60
years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health
the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic
interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took
them to their mansion, which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As
they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how
much of this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf
course the home backed up to. They would have
golfing privileges every day, and each week the course
changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is
heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best
part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and
your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten
years ago!"
48. THE KNOB
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a
face lift. The Dr. told her of a new procedure called
"The Knob". This small knob is planted on the back of
a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the
skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift
forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the
surgeon with two problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've
loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems. First
of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and
the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
49. FLYING BACKWARDS
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for
several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house
for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them
and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls
on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls
in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started walking
home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think
the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or
even groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out
the window!"
50. THE LIFESAVER
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing. One woman turns and asks, "Do you
still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
... After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?"

51. DEAD TED

Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not
seeing one another for some time. After inquiring
about each other's health, one asked how the other's
husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to
dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and
dropped down dead right there in the middle of the
vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What
did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
52. ANNUAL PHYSICAL
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of
his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith
said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good
relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I
have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get
up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light
goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during
the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom,
and then when he is through poof the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
53. STANDARDS
Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A
man walks over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are
you a stranger here?" He replies, "I used to live here
years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my
wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
54. GRANNY
Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call
on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her parlor.
He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock, surprise, and, curiosity! Surely,
Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor.
"When she returned with tea and cookies, they began
to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it
got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Granny" he said while pointing to the bowl, "I
wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking downtown last fall and I found this little
package. The directions said to put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease! And you
know,I haven't had a cold all winter."
55. EMPTY HANDED
A retired gentlemen went into the social security
office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line
a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind
the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify
his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had
left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at
home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?"
he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So,
he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," and she processed his Social Security
application. When he gets home, the man excitedly
tells his wife about his experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped
your pants, you might have qualified for disability,
too."
56. OLD FREQUENCIES
" How often should I plan to have sex"the young
groom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.
Grandpa said, "When you're first married, you want it
all the time maybe several times a day. Later on, sex
tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so.
Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a
month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have
it once a year. Maybe on your anniversary."
"Well, how about you and grandma now?" the
younger man asked.
Grandpa replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?"
"Well," said Grandpa, "She goes to bed in her
bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.
She yells, "F**K YOU," and I holler back, "F**K YOU,
TOO.
57. HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and charged them $50. This happened several weeks
in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you
trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house,
I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday
Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it
here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
58. NUDIST CAMP NEWCOMER
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first
day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the
man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices the erection and comes over to
him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man
replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must
be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection it implies that you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lays down a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within a few minutes, a huge, horrible, corpulent,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did
you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do
you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a
rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for
me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends
him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office
where the smiling naked receptionist greets him.
"May I help you?" she asks. The man says, "Here, you
can have my membership card, you can have the key
back and you can have the $500 membership fee!"
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here a few
hours! You haven't had time to see all of our
facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 72 years old, I get a
hard on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
59. LIKE FINE WINE
Bill, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows
up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful
and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and
outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and
listening intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him
and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how
did you persuade her to marry you?"
Bill says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell
her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
60. FLORIDA SENIORS
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new
Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road,
flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left on his head. "This
is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he
looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway
patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and
siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no
problem" thought the man and he tromped it some
more and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then
110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing?
I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and
walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his
watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago
my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
61. SENIOR MOMENTS
Four 'Senior' women were in a beauty parlor getting
their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a
low cut blouse that revealed a rose bud tattoo above
one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said,
"She doesn't know it yet, but in 50 years she'll be
wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
62. IN A SMALL TOWN
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his
evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he
came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He
stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.
They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said, "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then
asked, "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car
here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
63. HOG WILD
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker
club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A
big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers.
She proclaims,"I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet
certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker
asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over
there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll
drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a
chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question,
have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope,
but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."
64. DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN
A vacume cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a
Senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a
bathrobe.
"Go away" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!
I'm flat broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty,
my dear lady!" he said. "Not until you have as least
seen my amazing demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet. "If this wonderful Kirby
vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat
the remainder of it."
The old Lady stepped back and said, "Well, I sure hope
you've got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off
my electricity this morning."
65. THE STAGES OF SUCCESS
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having sex.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having sex.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants
66. STINGY OLD LAWYER
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a
terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the
old saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at
least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then
directed her to take the bags of money to the attic
and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out
and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several
weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten
pillowcases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement."
67. LOOKING GOOD
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I might never put my glasses back on.

68. AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower
in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
69. THE RETIREMENT HOME
A man was out walking one day and went by a
retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw
nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs.
When he looked closer he realized that they were all
stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the
director answered the door, the man asked if he
realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the
sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that
the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the
retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

70. THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the
recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell
and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-
law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from
work.," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law
explained.
"Love Dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes
him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate
it if you would leave because he will be home from
work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all
this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw
her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
"This is My Love Dress." She replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
71. JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a
sweet grandmotherly type.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down
beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that
since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made
me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I
just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me,
young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: What happened?
Little Old Woman: That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
72. THE SPEED DEMON
Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her
wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.
Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men
have actually been known to join in.
The other day, Ethel was speeding up a corridor when
a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room
with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a
Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said,
and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and
shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster
and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry
on, mam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front
door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark
naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
73. GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than
ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a
half." You're four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teens; and you simply jump to the
next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day arrives and you become 21. Even
the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him
out. What's wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21. You TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40.
You REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to 60. By then
you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that,
it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday….
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST
92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over
100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a
half."
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas.
"Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad
one. I just hate to waste money."
74. BUMPER SNICKERS
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' It's hard to think of my dear
old granny in that way. What is she doing? Out
entering wet shawl contests? Wheelchair racing?
Teeth swapping? Makes me wonder where she got
that ten dollar bill she gave me for my birthday.
75. GRANDMA'S LETTER:
Dear Son,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and
I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good
thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I
was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ,
GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my
window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love! There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy
waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was
probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers grinning, and drove on through the
intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love
we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out
of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good
luck sign one last time as I drove away.
76. GOD'S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he
read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She
was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his
again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make
you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a
long time ago.
"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a
little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
77. EXERCISES FOR SENIORS
You know how important exercise is, as we grow
older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing
outside behind the house and, with a five pound
potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out
to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato
sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to
where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each
hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a
full minute!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but
I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
78. TRAILER PARK RETIREMENT, A CHILD'S
VIEW
After the spring break, a teacher asked her young
pupils how they spent the holidays. One youngster
offered the following: "We always used to spend the
holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a nice big brick house. But,
grandpa got retarded and they moved to Floriduh.
Now they live in a place with lots of other Grandmas
and Grandpas. They live in a tin box and have rocks
painted green to look like grass.
They ride around in huge tricycles and wear nametags
because they don't know who they are anymore. They
go to a big building called the wrecked center. They
must have fixed it because it looks pretty good now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool,
too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats
on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At the gate,
there is a dollhouse with a little old man who sits in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes
though, they do manage to sneak out. Then they go
cruising in their golf carts.
Grandma used to bake cookies and other neat things,
but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they
just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night,
"Early Bird," whatever that is. Some of the people
can't get past the old man in the dollhouse. So the
ones that escape bring food back to the wrecked
center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn
his retardment and says that I should work hard so I
can also be retarded someday too. When I earn my
retardment, I want to be the old man in the dollhouse.
Then I'll let people out so they can visit their
grandchildren."
79. RETIREMENT, A WIFE'S VIEW
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition
of retirement:
"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."

80. GRIM FAIRY TALE

A married couple in their early 60s were out
celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet,
romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table and said, "For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being faithful to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her
magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the
new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a
moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime,
so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but
a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -
abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots,
Fairies are female!
81. REALITY CHECK
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash
their toes with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not
me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've
traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally
healthy. It is that time when you know when to say
yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old
you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back
to youth, just think of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting
to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years: gold
in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be
born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more
often a succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and
wrinkled and blind that they don't recognize you.
16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't
have anything to laugh at when you are old.
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then
you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to
pull your zipper down.
18. One must wait until evening to see how splendid
the day has been.
82. Grandma's Visit
 "Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said
to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now
Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is
that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you
came to visit," answered the boy.
83. What's Your Name, Again?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had
been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know
we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of
your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes
she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon
do you need to know?"
84. Hard of Hearing
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical.
 A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his
arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a
heart mummer and be careful."
85. Quotes from Actual Insurance Claims
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and
collided with a tree I didn't have.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at
the wheel and had an accident.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way.
• I told the police I was not injured, but on removing
my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run.
So I ran over him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at
my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
86.Pet Parrot
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But
the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so
the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the
freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird
squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the
parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the
parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I
apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your
forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my
asking, what did the chicken do?"
87. Romance?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl
was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood
and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my
hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a
second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to
kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
 Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to
bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out
of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.
88. He died of what? Doctor's true story.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I
heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
89. Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard
of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an
appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor
said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile
there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to
give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the
problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away
from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone
and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20
feet, and so on until you get a response."
 So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to
himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet
away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's
for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
90. George Carlin sez...
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it
dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final
exam."
91. Old Wisdom
 After working his farm every day, an old farmer
rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back
that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he
decided to go down and see how things were holding
up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the
pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph
over youth and skill.
92. Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert
had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to
have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying. The
mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her
tears she explained that she was upset because her
dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his
fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that
traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but
he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to
have one last moment with Albert before the funeral
the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she
managed a smile through her tears as Albert was
resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the
mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man
about your husband's size was brought in and he was
wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife
was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the
traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of
swapping the heads."
98. Three Elderly Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She
puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then
she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then
replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door."
99. Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones
that you remember -- not the ones you were told
about! How to score yourself is at the end.
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
Candy cigarettes
Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P. F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive -
6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi systems
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Rollerskate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-in theaters
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
If you remembered!
0 - 5 = You're still young
6 - 10 = You are getting older
11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
16 - 25 = You're older than you think!
Be sure to pass this along -- especially to all your
friends with really good memories.
100. At the Salon
I overheard the receptionist admit to another
customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm
walking around unprotected."
The customer commiserated with her, but then
added, "I haven't taken my Prozac today—everyone's
walking around unprotected."
101. Oh, the pity of old age.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man
sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped
and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22
year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes,
sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch
and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then
watches sports TV with me for the rest of the
afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
 He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet
meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then
makes love with me until the wee hours"
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
102. Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th
wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a
tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental
because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years
together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the
time before we got married. Your father threatened
me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in
jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I
would've been a free man!"