Breakups and Grief: “I Wanted a

Say in the Matter!”

Patzia Gonzalez-Baz

Suddenly someone decides unilaterally that they no longer love you and
there go your dreams for the future and your sanity. Not only do you
feel rejected, you also feel helpless and hopeless. Did I forget to
mention pain? The pain is unbearable and you go through endless
rounds of asking “what’s wrong with me?”

Even though your relationship may have left a lot to be desired, it may
have felt normal and comfortable, with the hope that it’ll get better
after… (fill in the blank: the kids have left for college, the mortgage is
paid, you get that promotion at work, my health is better, etc., etc.)

We desperately want to make sense of all this pain and would like a
logical answer to “why”? There is no answer, but we have to keep
asking anyway. In the midst of lost hope, we hold on to that one hope of
getting a logical answer. The grief we feel is a reaction to loss and it is
the process of allowing us, basically, to adjust to a different relationship
with our ex-spouse, lover, partner or best friend, rather than simply
imagine the relationship will disappear as if it never was.

And of course, we want our loved one back! Even if we “know” he or she
cheats, will be unfaithful, will go behind our back, or just plain doesn’t
want to be with us anymore; at least we want a say in the matter. We’d
like to be the ones leaving the relationship, not the ones left with all this
pain.

At a certain point in your grieving process, after much work –here’s

where psychotherapy and EFT, can be so helpful—you do come to a
moment when YOU will be ready to leave the relationship. Go ahead and
create your own ritual for doing this, here are few suggestions:

- Set aside some time when you will not be disturbed

- You might like some candles and incense, get some flowers
- Have something that symbolizes the other person and your
relationship, like a photo, a drawing, a stone, a toy, letters, etc.
If you do any kind of meditation, you might want to do that beforehand.
Or else just sit quietly and take a few deep breaths. Bring your ex to
your mind, or look at his photograph in front of you.

Now say out loud,

“I’m grateful for all that was good between us, and there was much
good. I choose to keep all the good and give you back all that was bad
and that was your responsibility. You can keep all the good that I gave
you, and I’ll take responsibility for my share of what went wrong. I now
choose to leave this relationship, and I let you go.”

You may need to do some tapping on the EFT points as you say this.
You can now choose to tear up, burn or bury the symbol of your
relationship so it can rest in peace.

If you have children, you can say it this way:

“I’m grateful for all that was good between us, and there was much
good. Best of all the good that you gave me are our children. I choose
to keep all the good and give you back all that was bad and that was
your responsibility. You can keep all the good that I gave you, and our
children are the best of what I gave you; and I’ll take responsibility for
my share of what went wrong. In our children I will honor you, and I
know that in our children you will honor me. We will always be linked
through them as parents. I now choose to leave this relationship, and I
let you go as my spouse/ partner.”

If you cannot say this from your heart, you still have work to do. Pay
attention to all that comes up as you read this, it will point you in the
direction of unfinished business.
© 2010 Patzia Gonzalez-Baz

Patzia Gonzalez-Baz has a Psychotherapy Practice in Newmarket, On;

she specializes in using EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques, to treat
relationship issues, emotional components of pain, shock after a medical
diagnosis, anger, anxiety, phobias, love pain, divorce and stressful
changes in life, work or family.

Visit her website at: http://www.HealingHeartsCentre.com