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213 Original One Liners: by Norman E. Sindlinger
213 Original One Liners: by Norman E. Sindlinger
by
Norman E. Sindlinger
Norman E. Sindlinger 213 Original One Liners Page 2 of 21
In memory of my beloved wife Jacqueline who
was also my best friend of more than fortynine
wonderful years.
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Table of Contents
1.0 Psychiatry.......................................4
2.0 Education ......................................6
3.0 Law ..............................................7
4.0 Computers......................................9
5.0 Religion........................................14
6.0 General ........................................16
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1.0 Psychiatry
1.1 The only trouble I have with my multiple personalities is
that none of us really get along with each other very well.
1.2 If I were really mentally ill, wouldn’t my own voices tell
me?
1.3 I never make fun of the mentally ill, because my boss
wouldn’t like it.
1.4 My doctor claims that I’m manic depressive, but I just
simply have my ups and downs.
1.5 It isn’t so bad being mentally ill. At least every day I get to
talk with God.
1.6 I think that my doctor must be out to get me, because he
keeps trying to convince me that I’m paranoid.
1.7 How can I possibly be schizophrenic when I can’t even spell
it?
1.8 I’m hoping to add one more of my voices, so that I can go
on tour as a trio.
1.9 The best way to get rid of a mental illness, is to make them a
supervisor or an executive.
1.10 The best way to cure a bipolar illness, is to move to the
equator.
1.11 When two psychiatrists meet, who is there to tell them what
day it is, and where in the world they are?
1.12 Psychiatrists are given photo ID’s, so that the rest of the
staff can separate them from the patients.
1.13 Do psychiatrists make such quick diagnoses, because they
have delusions of being the fastest doc in the old west?
1.14 How many former mental patients, become Washington
insiders to escape homelessness?
1.15 Since a side effect of most medications is either constipation
or diarrhea, why don’t patients get a full refund if they guess
right, or double their money back if they get both?
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1.16 Why are there so many selfhelp mental illness groups?
1.17 Was a drug company at fault when digital clocks lost their
hands?
1.18 Water glasses should be selffilling so that in order to decide
if it is halffull or halfempty, it is unnecessary to take
Prozac.
1.19 Why do so many psychiatrists have a phobia about talking
with their patients.
1.20 How much of today’s breaking news from the military, is
based upon electronic intercepts of schizophrenic voices?
1.21 Who is to be more feared the confused mind of the homeless
mentally ill, or the mindless society that won’t give them a
home?
1.22 Are psychiatrists out of their minds, when they ask a patient
if they choose to go to a psychiatric hospital voluntarily or
be forcibly committed?
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2.0 Education
2.1 I’m going to alleviate your test anxiety by spending an hour
every day teaching you to be aware at all times that you
must learn not to fear tests.
2.2 Today we are going to study English because I can’t teach
math.
2.3 I’m the expert because I grade your tests.
2.4 Why can’t you people learn when I don’t know what I’m
doing?
2.5 How am I supposed to teach you when you are all having
sex?
2.6 Today we were going to study something, if I can only
remember what it is.
2.7 Today we are going to learn how to memorize, if I can
remember where I put my notes.
2.8 Today I am going to give a chalk talk if someone will just
give it back.
2.9 I can’t turn in my homework because my laptop battery
died before I could save it.
2.10 When I call your name please tell me who you are, and
where I am.
2.11 We’re going to have a test on Thursday as soon as I can
figure out the answers.
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3.0 Law
3.1 The best lawyers can outrun any dog chasing an ambulance.
3.2 If all the lawyers were killed who would be left to chase
after ambulances?
3.3 If all airline passengers were lawyers, they would all
survive a crash just to be first to sue.
3.4 Does the law of the jungle work, because all of the lawyers
are eaten first.
3.5 Jurors should never be allowed to see a defendant in court.
Their trial will be much more fair if jurors are only shown
their baby pictures.
3.6 Why don’t prosecutors treat accused murderers more like
the Department of Defense, and charge them with collateral
end of life events?
3.7 All lawyers should have implants that stop their hearts until
they stop lying.
3.8 Politicians should be recalled the instant they are elected so
that they can’t pass any more laws.
3.9 Why isn’t there a national get bail free lottery, so that the
poor have a chance to have the same rights as the rich?
3.10 Would you want an unnamed, unseen, unreliable source as
your only eyewitness in your defense?
3.11 I wonder if product warranties written by lawyers are
printed with such small type so that I won’t expect too
much.
3.12 Why do I have to pay $150 for a new pair of glasses to read
the fine print of an agreement that I can’t understand
anyway?
3.13 Why do so many lawyers despise their clients?
3.14 What happens when everyone knows the tricks of the trade?
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4.0 Computers
4.1 Today we’re going to learn to use computers if someone
will be kind enough to show me how to turn it on.
4.2 Today I was going to demonstrate the importance of
backing up your computer, but I forgot to save a copy
before I accidentally deleted it.
4.3 I’m sorry but we can’t read your xray until we reestablish
our computer connection to India.
4.4 If computers are so smart why do we have to send all of
their programmers out of the country?
4.5 Who flies the airplane when the computer controlled system
crashes?
4.6 If computers always crash, why doesn’t someone give the
programmers a ticket for reckless design?
4.7 Is it okay to click the send button when your email spell
checker doesn’t know what you mean?
4.8 Do computer carts have wheels, because they both plan to
run away if they are sent to India?
4.9 Why does my computer enter sleep mode when I am still
wide awake?
4.10 I like to read what is on my computer printer’s mind.
4.11 I don’t think that my computer is getting enough sleep,
because it is always informing me that its battery is low.
4.12 A computer typist becomes a writer when the spell checker
finishes, and he or she knows what the words mean.
4.13 The great thing about a computer spelling checker is that
you don’t even have to know how the word starts.
4.14 One of the more difficult problems for laptop computer
designers is that human hands are just too big for them.
4.15 I’m sure that it is going to become a serious problem when
future computers won’t stop talking while I am trying to go
to sleep.
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4.16 What if computer controlled home systems become bored,
and start fires to test your response when they set off the
alarms?
4.17 What if my computer doesn’t get sleepy, and refuses to turn
down the radio or shut off the lights?
4.18 How can I stop my computer from getting thirsty in the
middle of the night, and demand that I give my kids a glass
of water?
4.19 Will my new computer become bored with monitoring the
baby and keep waking him up?
4.20 I heard that today’s high tech jobs come with a oneway
ticket to India.
4.21 Most companies need bigger and faster computer printers to
keep up with the paperless office.
4.22 Will it be any improvement when computers become
smarter than people?
4.23 Will computers replace executives when they can no longer
bypass the ethics off switch?
4.24 I’m not too afraid of catching a cold virus, but I’m really
scared of these computer virus attacks. I never realized that
a computer virus could be so aggressive.
4.25 I’ve heard that computers are full of viruses, bugs and
worms. I bet they live in the power supply where it is nice
and warm.
4.26 Will I spread a computer virus if I sneeze on my computer
keyboard?
4.27 I’m fed up with installing patches in my computer. Why
doesn’t Microsoft simply send me a can of hard drive bug
spray?
4.28 When you ship my new computer, be sure to tell UPS to
send it in a bug free box.
4.29 No wonder I’m having trouble learning how to use my new
computer. I just learned that it has a hard drive.
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4.30 You don’t have to tell me about your new computer
operating system. Wait until I show you my scars.
4.31 I’ve heard that the MAC operating system kills fewer
people, and I don’t understand why Microsoft had to put
windows in theirs.
4.32 Does the MAC operating system make smaller incisions, or
should I be talking to your doctor instead of sales?
4.33 Will my AARP Medigap insurance cover elective surgeries
with your Window Operating System, or do I have to get a
referral from Apple first?
4.34 Does your computer operating system come with anesthesia,
or do I have to get that from WalMart first?
4.35 Do you have a list of approved battery backup systems for
your computer operating system that will last for the length
of all approved surgeries?
4.36 I’m very interested in purchasing your new computer
operating system for home liposuction. Can you assure me
that it will arrive in sterile condition, and do you pay
shipping for returned fat?
4.37 I can handle your computer viruses with my can of Lysol,
but I’m scared to death of mice. How many mousetraps do
you supply with the purchase of an entire system?
4.38 I just heard that the FDA is finally cracking down on those
pesky computer viruses. Are you planning to recall my new
virus soon?
4.39 Is it okay if I rename email as mymail, or will it be sent to
the wrong zip code?
4.40 Do you sell a computer that will record my voice, and then
change it during playback so that I won’t know who I am
listening to?
4.41 If I purchase your computer and highresolution printer, can
you tell me where I can buy paper that looks and feels just
like money?
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4.42 Do you sell a computer system that will help me steal
identities?
4.43 I just finished reading your instructions telling me to use the
USB port. I don’t think you realize that I am in the USA. I
haven’t the slightest idea where the port of USB is located,
and I am afraid of ships.
4.44 I have spent hours trying to locate the floppy disk you claim
to have shipped with my new computer. All I can find is this
square piece of plastic with holes in it, and it certainly isn’t
floppy.
4.45 You guys really pulled a fast one on me, and you are going
to have to take your computer back. It doesn’t even know
how to turn itself on when I yell at it and shake it upside
down.
4.46 Hello, Dell? This is my first computer. Is it okay if I remove
it from the box to see if it works, or will that void the
warranty?
4.47 I just wanted to let you know that you sent me a computer
with an infrared sensor. We don’t have any infrared in our
house. Do I receive credit if I return the sensor, so that
someone with infrared can use it?
4.48 This is my first laptop computer. I can’t find the mouse, but
your manual says to use the touch pad. I don’t think that it
works, because when I touch it I don’t feel any tingle.
4.49 I think you sent me a defective laptop. I can’t see the screen,
and I don’t even see the keyboard when the top is closed.
4.50 I really like my new computer, but I think you should hire a
spell checker who isn’t so rude. It always stops at a
misspelled word, and is always making suggestions. I don’t
think he is polite at all. I find it very annoying that he is
always reading what I write, and he keeps at it even when I
click on ignore.
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4.51 Dear Microsoft: Every time I try to write a letter your
chintzy paper clip with the eyes always tries to guess if I’m
writing a letter, asks me if I need help and makes funny
noises that are most annoying. I paid a lot of money for my
computer, and I think I deserve more than a cheap paper clip
that apparently tries to read all of my personal letters. I have
been writing letters for years, and I certainly don’t need help
from a bent piece of wire. If I were you I would certainly
send him on the next plane to India until you can straighten
him out.
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5.0 Religion
5.10 Why are “just say no appeals” usually followed by an
increase in the activity to be resisted?
5.11 If God had to make teeth that decay why did he put them
where they show when I smile?
5.12 Even God must like blondes best, since all babies are born
with blue eyes.
5.13 Why didn’t God foresee Bikinis, and build in self waxing?
5.14 I can’t understand why so many people who look forward to
heaven are in hospitals on life support machines.
5.15 Why do religious groups reject the concepts of evolution,
and then spend so much time and effort trying to change
people all by themselves?
5.16 If God granted all men free will, why are there so many
groups saying that what God really meant to say was that
you won’t be free until you agree to accept their will?
5.17 One of the difficulties in interpreting God’s will is that it
will always be in his safe deposit box. That way more
people will be good if they hope to inherit a beachfront
condo in heaven from his son.
5.18 Why are so many wars fought in God or Allah’s name rather
than the Devil’s?
5.19 If you can get on your knees to pray, why can’t you stand up
for your beliefs?
5.20 If everything is in God’s Will, wouldn’t it be better if we
were permitted to read it while He is still alive?
5.21 The best selling book in The Lord’s newly revised library,
Morally Justified War in God’s Name has been re
catalogued under False Commandments.
5.22 Will all future Presidents of the United States pray for
missions from God, or should they first be sent for an
indefinite stay at some far off mission?
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5.23 Who will say the Lord’s Prayer when Jesus returns and
takes all of the Evangelical Christian to heaven?
5.24 It is a shame that Jesus had to die for mankind when he
could have stayed and cured everyone.
5.25 What happens when the elderly become too frail to bear
their own cross?
5.26 Why aren’t children required to copy the entire Bible when
they have been naughty?
5.27 Does anyone know what God meant to Fasten with belly
buttons, and why are some innies and others outies?
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6.0 General
6.01 How do clouds know when you have forgotten your
umbrella?
6.02 Can executives be litter box trained?
6.03 Is your TV dinner afraid of your microwave?
6.04 Why do people feel so hot when they get a cold?
6.05 The myth that Mr. Fixit will actually ever show up.
6.06 I’m not lost. I just don’t know where I am.
6.07 That’s the most stupid thing I ever heard myself say.
6.08 I wouldn’t be so ignorant if I knew anything.
6.09 Why should I eat with a fork when I have perfectly good
fingers?
6.10 Why are some people so slow eating fast food?
6.11 If you won’t make up my mind, what am I supposed to
think?
6.12 Why can’t we simply buy a bed instead of always having
to make it?
6.13 If everyone would make food that tastes bad, I wouldn’t
be so fat.
6.14 I love the shore, but I wish that it wasn’t so sandy and
wet.
6.15 How do you expect me to write notes on a talking book?
6.16 Why do we have to get dressed to drive to a nude beach?
6.17 I love my new car. I just wish that I could afford to put
gas in it.
6.18 Why are there so many houses blocking the view on
Ocean Drive?
6.19 Why did we bother getting in the car if we’re not there
yet?
6.20 How am I supposed to speed when there is so much
traffic?
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6.21 If a picture is worth a thousand words, why are there so
many talk shows on television?
6.22 When is the tooth fairy going to learn to fix teeth?
6.23 Why does the Good Witch always wait to appear after the
Wicked Witch is dead?
6.24 If you can’t hum to rock and roll or rap, why is it called
music?
6.25 Why do leak proof diapers drip, and unsinkable ships
sink?
6.26 Why is man, the earth’s most dominant animal, so fearful
of microbes too small to be seen with the naked eye?
6.27 How can you practice for a life threatening situation
without getting killed?
6.28 Do contortionists have trouble unwinding at the end of the
day?
6.29 Why do I always have to get out of my reclining chair to
exercise?
6.30 If exercise is so good for me, whey does it hurt so much
afterward?
6.31 Why isn’t there a law for counterfeiters to print fake on a
twenty dollar bill?
6.32 Isn’t it cruel to confine a 300 horsepower car to a
highway instead of the open prairie?
6.33 A trickle down economy sounds more like Chinese water
torture rather than a beneficial policy.
6.34 Why do I always wake up instead of down?
6.35 Why doesn’t it hurt me when I fall asleep?
6.36 If kids are always falling down, why let them up in the
first place?
6.37 Why should I get right back up on a horse that keeps
letting me fall off?
6.38 Why aren’t fender benders self straightening?
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6.39 Wouldn’t it be smarter to keep people out of the way of
guns that accidentally go off?
6.40 Why bother to get a credit check if you can’t cash it?
6.41 If gun owners are law abiding citizens, why not change
the law?
6.42 Why do banks bother to send you a notice that your
account is overdrawn, when you knew you didn’t have
any money before they did?
6.43 If first time sex is the greatest why do people spend a
lifetime learning to perfect something that can only
happen once?
6.44 Who crosses the line first when the dominant male runs
out of urine to mark his territory?
6.45 Why is their so much matching plastic in all leather
seating?
6.46 Wouldn’t animals be safer from man if their hides or fur
itched?
6.47 Why do people strive to be different, but only have
friends just like them?
6.48 If the poor have too many children, why not make them
all rich?
6.49 Wouldn’t airfares be much cheaper if airlines removed all
of the seats, and passengers were strapped in standing up?
6.50 Why do you have to watch out at railroad crossings if the
engineer sees you in time to blow the train’s warning
whistle?
6.51 Why do carmakers always advertise such a smooth ride
when commuters are always in bumper to bumper traffic?
6.52 Why doesn’t someone stop outsiders from moving in
right after I’ve finished unpacking?
6.53 Why do I have to put up with demanding crowds of
tourists for my living when they could simply send me
their money and stay home?
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6.54 If the waiting list is so long for beach camping permits
why doesn’t someone simply build more beaches?
6.55 Will my car get dirty in underground parking?
6.56 Why are so many people still working for their living
while trying to sell me guaranteed get rich schemes?
6.57 Why do so many people get red hot when they receive a
cold sales call?
6.58 Why doesn’t chewing gum stick to teeth instead of
sidewalks?
6.59 Aren’t homosexual couples the most compatible since
they don’t have to remember whether the toilet lid should
be left up or down?
6.60 Why do fully automatic coffee makers have so many
buttons?
6.61 Why is hair either missing or in all the wrong places?
6.62 Why do phone companies charge for caller ID, and then
allow anyone to disable it by entering a 3 digit number?
6.63 If it is rude to interrupt adults when they are talking, why
do phone companies sell call waiting?
6.64 Why don’t umbilical cords have quick release buttons?
6.65 If home ownership is so great, why does it require so
much of my money and time?
6.66 Does a stitch in time help if it is made in China?
6.67 I’d much rather be at the top rather than always trying to
get to the bottom of things.
6.68 I don’t really like to exercise, because it interferes with
my eating.
6.69 I can’t figure out why radio waves can pass through the
ether without putting the sound to sleep.
6.70 Do people hook up their TV’s to cable so that they can’t
be stolen?
6.71 If I dip my light bulbs in Prozac, will it stop them from
burning out?
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6.72 How do waitresses manage to refill bottles with ketchup
that customers can never get out?
6.73 If food spoils, why not eat something else?
6.74 If people can’t burn a candle at both ends, why isn’t the
wick always in the middle?
6.75 Why are they called love seats when they’re far too small
for comfortable sex?
6.76 I hope if I have to have surgery that no one makes a
mistake in the return address when my organs are sent for
repair to India.
6.77 When will they make pencils that don’t make spelling
errors so I don’t need an eraser?
6.78 How can my fingerprints ruin a CD when they don’t hurt
my own hands?
6.79 Why do steak houses that advertise the tenderest meat
always provide the biggest knives with serrated edges?
6.80 If singing sounds best in the shower, why not soak your
stereo in the bathtub?
6.81 Carpets wouldn’t require so much cleaning if they were
kept off the floor.
6.82 Do surgeons get charged for the instruments they forget to
remove from their patients?
6.83 Will ethnic cleansing work well in my shower?
6.84 Do proctologists remember your name best when you’re
bending over with your pants down?
6.85 Wouldn’t kids be happier if the medicine never went
down?
6.86 What is wrong with recipes when food looks and tastes so
great going in, but is so awful coming out?
6.87 Why can’t I ever find the restaurant named Let’s Eat Out?
6.88 Why do builders add dining rooms, and then advertise
such great eatin kitchens?
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6.89 Why do owners of new homes settle in long before the
house does?
6.90 How do new homes know to become fixeruppers as soon
as the builder goes out of business?
6.91 Do dogs become anxious when they constantly hear their
owners trying to find out if anyone remembered to feed
them?
6.92 If you are an American visiting India, and you step in
sacred cow dung, do you have to scrape your shoes in a
bucket marked return to the USA?
6.93 If air conditioners are so great, why do wives hope the
weather becomes cool enough to open the windows to get
rid of the musty odor?