The King's Castration

'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal
Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-accounts
were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in
those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his

gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What
ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an
early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her
drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in
the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-

command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the
Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed
in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the
King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation

exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers
dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained
and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law
and the King ruled with an iron hand.

"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King
called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a
stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently
steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who
proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three
cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the
lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the
King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling
beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the
large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh
Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What
manner of tea?" David replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen
departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said,
"Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked,
"What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the
Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had
come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat
a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them
had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the
lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon
it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked
the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring
another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the
ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd.
This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but
Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing
the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion
turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random,
being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full
in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he

inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal
Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has
forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And
where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis."
"Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and
another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush,
for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with
an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This
made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well,
I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody
moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a
corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her
word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto
his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and
beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire.
"Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!"
shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but
you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a
gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of
royalty.

When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to,
but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had
two, I could be King!"

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied

himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit
buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as
King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced

Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights,
for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with
an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for

many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his
thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits!
Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican
bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican
bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged
him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and
his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel,
I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big
ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.

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