Ben Broughton DVC Sketch frankfromthehub@hotmail.

com

MILES: This weekend at the Conservative party Cardiff conference

David Cameron labelled himself the international sales director
for the UK – hardly seems fair that at the time of mass
unemployment an already wealthy man holds two such
prestigious jobs. Cameron claims he’s been selling Britain to
the world, which makes me think at any moment someone
could turn up and tell the entire population to “get off their land”.
Newsjack has been lucky enough to receive a copy of
Cameron’s sale pitch tape, here it is.

FX: JINGLE: “YOU ARE WATCHING DVC”

CAMERON: Hi, I’m David Cameron; British Prime Minister, but more
importantly I’m the international sales director for the UK.
Welcome to DVC – the V stands for value. I’m here to tell you
that you need British businesses like Nick Clegg needs a
backbone. While Britain may not be Europe’s biggest exporter
that title goes to Germany – they managed to export Nazism
widely in the early forties – but we’re making a comeback. Hey,
don’t take my word for it; listen to one of our satisfied
customers.

GADDAFI: (OVER PHONE) Britain supplied me with some brilliant

weapons that have really come in handy over the last week. I’m
thankful for their dedication to inequality, lack of morals and
low, low prices. The next time you need to crush a democratic
uprising; buy British.

CAMERON: But wait, we don’t simply supply dictators with weapons that
oppress their civilians; we sell all kinds of stuff. For example;

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Ben Broughton DVC Sketch frankfromthehub@hotmail.com

this week we sold a twenty million pound a year contract to

Citigroup – yeah, it will eventually cause the death of Post
Offices but at least rich people are getting richer. That’s right
conglomerate companies you can do business with Britain too.
Take your pick of our public sectors and if you fancy privatising
anything, just say. Dodgy Dave will sort you out a deal in no
time. As an extra bonus if you buy today I’ll be more than
willing to implement a massive corporate tax offer that will save
you millions – for a limited time only – as long as I’m in
government, so act now. Thanks for watching.

FX: JINGLE: “YOU ARE WATCHING DVC”

CAMERON: The V stands for value. Be sure to act fast, before Murdoch
beats you to it.